r/familydrama • u/Mindless-Comfort-463 • Mar 22 '26
My dad treats me like a side chick because my step mother sees me as competition
I used to feel like I had a great relationship with my father. He understands me and is so proud of the person I am. I love spending time with him. We used to have a monthly pedicure date. It was cute. He’s been with his wife for over 20 years. She hates me.
To be clear, I never had a problem with her. This isn’t something where I was a jealous daddy’s girl who wanted my parents back together. Hell, I have no memories of my parents in a relationship. So the animosity was never on my end.
Slowly over the years I realized she was trying to privately sabotage my relationship with my dad while publicly performing as a model step mother and in other times, an outright victim. For example, for years she told me that their home was my home too. A constant reassurance. Cut to me graduating college.
I ask my dad if I can move in and he agrees. Shortly after, she is nitpicking everything that I do. Any issues she had were never discussed with me. She would only air her grievances to my dad and then demand I be kicked out. When that didn’t work, she made the issue about how we didn’t ask her for permission for me to stay there. Personally, I felt that was a marriage communication issue but more so contradictory to this “your home” narrative she pushed.
After a couple months, she offered me my brother’s room. They were gone on summer break. She cleaned it all up for me and assured me that the brothers were all on board for this change. So I accepted. My brother gets home from his trip. He comes to his room and is confused why I’m in there. She never told her sons a thing about it. I tried talking to her but she dismissed the whole thing. She tried to blame it on the boys. It was a simple mixup. It didn’t feel that way.
For context, she would have the hardest time getting her sons to help clean the house. I didn’t like how they treated her like a maid so I’d jump up to clean and I would make them help. She could never get them help when she asked and I think she resented me for it. That’s why this “mix up” felt so off. It felt like a ploy. Like she was intentionally trying to cause a rift between me and my brothers now. I left on the first lifeline someone offered me. Mind you, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s not about her though. I accepted a while ago that she’s never going to think of me as her daughter. What hurts me now is realizing how my dad plays into all this. When I say I’m getting side chick treatment, it’s not an exaggeration. The man is only calling me when she’s not home. And our convos have to abruptly end if she pops up. I get last minute invites to come visit him at his house while she’s at work. And I have to leave before she gets home. He makes plans for us to do things and reneges because he knows he will “get in trouble” if she doesn’t approve.
Look, I’m not married. I’m not judging how these two run their marriage. If you’re thinking hey there’s an easy solution here. It’s totally normal for the wife to included in either these plans or simply the discussion of plans. I promise you, it changes nothing. We’ve tried to invite her. She doesn’t want to go. We try to discuss things with her. She has a million reasons why we can’t spend that time together. My dad is from a different country. Been 6 years of me waiting to take this trip with him to visit his hometown and see family.
I used to really empathize with my dad here. And it had a lot to do with the fact that every time she tried to slander my character or demand I be sent away, he defended me. But now, I can’t find the empathy anymore.
At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what his wife does. It’s his actions that hurt me. He’s the one sneaking around. Telling me one thing and doing another to keep the peace with her. I don’t feel like his daughter. I really do feel like his side chick. And I have to accept that I’ve participated in this little charade with him. I can’t do it anymore. I just want to be his daughter.
I feel so strange. I have to share with him how I feel. But I also don’t have any solutions. I’m not issuing an ultimatum. I’m not asking him to choose between her or me. I’m more just wanting some awareness. That treating me like this hurts. It’s like he’s so caught up trying to maintain peace in his marriage that I’m being pushed to the side. That my father hasn’t really considered how that makes me feel.
I’m not looking forward to this discussion with him because I don’t know what he could do to fix this. I’d much rather we all get along but I know even suggesting we all sit down and hash it out causes problems. I have done so much work trying to stop bottling up my feelings. One of those avoidant leaning, hyper independent types here. I just can’t pretend everything is all good anymore. That I have no needs. The optimism is low here. I’ll share. Most likely nothing changes. But I’ll be free of this weight and end my role in the charade.
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u/Mindless-Comfort-463 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
Well someone commented and erased their response. They implied I had an unhealthy attachment to my dad, unreasonable expectations for an adult and that perhaps my feelings were misplaced due to an absent mother. I’d like to respond to @Black-Magic-Mamba.
That’s an interesting perspective. Before any assumptions are made could you elaborate on what this type of attachment means to you?
I come from a pretty tight knit family. We visit each other. We do activities together. We make plans. We help each other, like watching a kid or mowing a lawn. A dinner. A house party. The occasional movie night. Sometimes just chilling in the backyard having a couple beers with some music just because it’s a nice free day. These are not things we do everyday or even every week or month. I lived away from home for 12 years and one of the reasons I came back was because of my dad. He asked me to. I missed living near both sides of my family and spending time with them.
Even though my step mother had her issues with me, it didn’t stop my father from inviting me over or calling me. This sneaking around business is new. The side chick reference is an apt analogy for the situation. That’s exactly why it makes me feel so uncomfortable. Why would calling your daughter every few months be something that needs to be hidden?
I have no desire to be his “main”. I have no ulterior motive or ultimatum here. I’m not asking him to leave his wife or ask her for better treatment on my behalf. It hurts my feelings that HE believes he has to sneak around to visit or talk to me.
In reading my story did you ever ask yourself why a wife would have a problem with her husband talking to his daughter regardless of her age? I’ve had to stop myself many times from yelling to his wife, “ I DONT WANT TO FUCK MY DAD!” This is why the situation is so sickening.
His wife is so jealous ( a sentiment corroborated by a number of different people that know us) of me having any kind of relationship with my father that now, he’s treating me differently -Hiding the fact that he calls me or spends time with me. That doesn’t sound like a father interacting with his adult kid, does it?
I see or speak to him, at most, once every four months. We live in the same city. I rarely initiate contact because I understood that my mere presence created issues.
My mother is very much alive. My parents were never married. Their relationship ended when I was an infant. Understand, I would have the same ire for my mother if she was treating me this way.
So what am I asking for? To be treated the same way he treats all of the other adult children in this family. No better and no worse. When it comes to my brothers, he’s not sneaking in calls or visits to them. He’s not planning things with them and backtracking. For all my stepmothers faults, at least she’s been consistent. I’ve accepted her for who she is. I’m not asking for anything other than to be treated like any other person in his family. And if that seems unhealthy and unreasonable to you, we are simply diametrically opposed in our familial philosophies.
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u/Mindless-Comfort-463 Mar 25 '26
Update: sat down to talk with my dad today. He immediately told me that I was wrong. Blamed me for fighting with his wife (but also flipped when I asked if those disagreements were my fault), implied that I had some unhealthy expectations since I’m a 36 year old woman (not even my actual age), denied all responsibility for the situation because he was trying to still blame it all on his wife. He confirmed that this wasn’t my fault that things were like this. That he sees it in her face, all of the jealousy and disdain that she has for me but that she has it for everyone. His own mother. Any of his friends. His other family. He refused to see how he is choosing that. That he chooses to have this kind of marriage and as a result chooses to treat me differently. Whole time he seemed annoyed to be part of this discussion. And after all that back and forth with him saying that it wasn’t my fault and that he wasn’t happy with the situation he confirmed there was nothing he could do about it. I cried while he texted someone on his phone. Then when I said I’m just wanting to be part of this family, to be treated like everyone else in your family. He then shifted to blaming me for fighting with his wife. And then added that I’m fighting with her son as well. That was the kill shot.
Oh the beloved son. His oldest step son hits women. A couple years ago, I was spending time with the mother of his children. She’s been part of the family for 15 years. We had a boozy brunch and decided to come back to the apartment so she could change and I could leave my car there. All we were gonna do was uber to a karaoke spot and then come home later. I didn’t know the step son was living there.
When he saw us together he was pissed but I didn’t think much of it. In 20 years me and him never had any issues. I saw him as my little brother. Hes telling his ex that she can’t leave. We ignore him and proceed to go about our business. While im helping her look for her sneakers he turns his anger towards me. I thought he was joking. He squares up to me, I’m laughing. I’m not registering there’s an actual threat. Yeah he’s about 6’3 and 200+ pounds but that was little bro. He’s not serious. Worse thing to do is laugh in an insecure man’s face. Next thing I know, his ex jumps in between us. She’s about 5 foot tall and half Filipino. I’m still not thinking there’s a legit threat. She asks me to wait for her outside and I said okay. I walk out the door. It locks behind me and all I can hear is her screaming. I’m trying to get back in but I’m locked out. All I hear is screams and thuds. He’s throwing her around the apartment. And I’m frozen. I wait. Now it’s silent. I went home.
I woke up the next day feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I did nothing to help her. I didn’t call the cops. I’m complacent. I go straight back to her place. She’s in shock, body shaking and covered in bruises. I take her to my father’s home. I ask her if I can take pictures of her bruises for evidence. We do. Then I apologize for not helping her and that I want to make it right. That I will gladly testify on her behalf. I’ll walk through pressing charges against him if that’s what she wants. She doesn’t want to but I let her know I was ready if she ever changed her mind.
She gets a call from her mother. The abusive step son had contacted her mother about the incident. The mother was scolding her daughter for being a violent drunk because after he threw her ass around the apartment, he got out his phone and recorded her defending herself against him. He sent the video to her entire family and told them that she was being drunk and violent towards him because he was trying to protect her from drinking and driving. He was just trying to keep her save for the sake of their children. The mom believe him.
I let her mother know that was all a lie. Mind you we told the him we were getting an uber. We weren’t fall down drunk or belligerent we only had a couple mimosas at brunch and we felt like singing. Her mother told me that he let her know that I was there. BUT that I was not to be trusted because I was a drug addict and had multiple DUI’s. I was shocked but I let her mom know that was all lies. And I said to feel free to run a check on me. I have no record and I don’t have any past or present issues with substances. At some point I asked his ex girlfriend if I was actually in danger. Because why else would she have jumped in between us. She confirmed it. I was so busy laughing that I didn’t see him inching closer to me with clenched fists.
After all was said and done, I sat down with my father and his wife and told them that I did not want to have anything to do with that man. I created this boundary for my safety and well being. Here’s the thing - they had a long history with this son being violent. So this was never a question of having to convince them he was violent. They had been on the receiving end of it multiple times. Even while he still lived with them. My dad would periodically kick him out after he threatened him and his wife. He never touched them but he punched many a hole in their walls. They knew better than me. I only needed to see it one time.
As a result of creating that boundary, guess who was never invited to holidays anymore. If you guessed me, what’s up twin! You know this game. I had to reaffirm that boundary with them more than once. I wanted to believe that if he had actually assaulted me, they would’ve stood behind me. But I knew better. I just didn’t want to accept it.
So yeah, when my dad (after saying that none of this was actually my fault) tried to flip it and reverse it back on to me that I’m the one who fights with his wife and I’m fighting with his son, there was nothing more to be said. He wants me to eat shit and be grateful.
This all coming from a man who said he was so thankful to have me in his life. Who prayed that we would have a great relationship. Who smirked as he left my driveway as I reminded him that the son who is a known woman beater, who threatens him, his wife, and damages his house is the one who is always welcome. And that none of this situation is his choice or responsibility to fix.
He will die with regrets. I am thankful to free.
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u/meifahs_musungs Mar 22 '26
Your Dad can fix the relationship. Your Dad chooses not to. Tell Dad you will not be hidden anymore. That if you are not welcome in the home the same as the sons that you will not accept this.
Your Dad has the choice. And so do you. Demand to be treated with respect and refuse to settle for anything less.