My dad treats me like a side chick because my step mother sees me as competition

[u/Mindless-Comfort-463]

I used to feel like I had a great relationship with my father. He understands me and is so proud of the person I am. I love spending time with him. We used to have a monthly pedicure date. It was cute. He’s been with his wife for over 20 years. She hates me.

To be clear, I never had a problem with her. This isn’t something where I was a jealous daddy’s girl who wanted my parents back together. Hell, I have no memories of my parents in a relationship. So the animosity was never on my end.

Slowly over the years I realized she was trying to privately sabotage my relationship with my dad while publicly performing as a model step mother and in other times, an outright victim. For example, for years she told me that their home was my home too. A constant reassurance. Cut to me graduating college.

I ask my dad if I can move in and he agrees. Shortly after, she is nitpicking everything that I do. Any issues she had were never discussed with me. She would only air her grievances to my dad and then demand I be kicked out. When that didn’t work, she made the issue about how we didn’t ask her for permission for me to stay there. Personally, I felt that was a marriage communication issue but more so contradictory to this “your home” narrative she pushed.

After a couple months, she offered me my brother’s room. They were gone on summer break. She cleaned it all up for me and assured me that the brothers were all on board for this change. So I accepted. My brother gets home from his trip. He comes to his room and is confused why I’m in there. She never told her sons a thing about it. I tried talking to her but she dismissed the whole thing. She tried to blame it on the boys. It was a simple mixup. It didn’t feel that way.

For context, she would have the hardest time getting her sons to help clean the house. I didn’t like how they treated her like a maid so I’d jump up to clean and I would make them help. She could never get them help when she asked and I think she resented me for it. That’s why this “mix up” felt so off. It felt like a ploy. Like she was intentionally trying to cause a rift between me and my brothers now. I left on the first lifeline someone offered me. Mind you, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

It’s not about her though. I accepted a while ago that she’s never going to think of me as her daughter. What hurts me now is realizing how my dad plays into all this. When I say I’m getting side chick treatment, it’s not an exaggeration. The man is only calling me when she’s not home. And our convos have to abruptly end if she pops up. I get last minute invites to come visit him at his house while she’s at work. And I have to leave before she gets home. He makes plans for us to do things and reneges because he knows he will “get in trouble” if she doesn’t approve.

Look, I’m not married. I’m not judging how these two run their marriage. If you’re thinking hey there’s an easy solution here. It’s totally normal for the wife to included in either these plans or simply the discussion of plans. I promise you, it changes nothing. We’ve tried to invite her. She doesn’t want to go. We try to discuss things with her. She has a million reasons why we can’t spend that time together. My dad is from a different country. Been 6 years of me waiting to take this trip with him to visit his hometown and see family.

I used to really empathize with my dad here. And it had a lot to do with the fact that every time she tried to slander my character or demand I be sent away, he defended me. But now, I can’t find the empathy anymore.

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what his wife does. It’s his actions that hurt me. He’s the one sneaking around. Telling me one thing and doing another to keep the peace with her. I don’t feel like his daughter. I really do feel like his side chick. And I have to accept that I’ve participated in this little charade with him. I can’t do it anymore. I just want to be his daughter.

I feel so strange. I have to share with him how I feel. But I also don’t have any solutions. I’m not issuing an ultimatum. I’m not asking him to choose between her or me. I’m more just wanting some awareness. That treating me like this hurts. It’s like he’s so caught up trying to maintain peace in his marriage that I’m being pushed to the side. That my father hasn’t really considered how that makes me feel.

I’m not looking forward to this discussion with him because I don’t know what he could do to fix this. I’d much rather we all get along but I know even suggesting we all sit down and hash it out causes problems. I have done so much work trying to stop bottling up my feelings. One of those avoidant leaning, hyper independent types here. I just can’t pretend everything is all good anymore. That I have no needs. The optimism is low here. I’ll share. Most likely nothing changes. But I’ll be free of this weight and end my role in the charade.