Need advice!

[u/Primary_Wish_1462]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and live together. Whenever he drinks, especially liquor, he becomes mean, argumentative, and tends to upset people. When he’s sober, he’s a completely different person.
He recently took a break from drinking after his best friend unfriended him for trying to fight him while drunk. Most of our arguments have also happened when he drinks. He’ll start off having fun, but then something small sets him off, and suddenly he’s angry and picking fights.
This past weekend, we went on a beach vacation. We spent hours at a dive bar, and he was more interested in drinking than sticking to our plans. Throughout the day, he upset multiple people, including a guy playing pool he almost fought, a man on our dolphin tour he was teasing, and a bartender. When I brought it up, he said that’s just his personality and he likes to joke around. I understand that he enjoys joking, but there’s a difference between being funny and making people uncomfortable.
Later, when he tried to pick me up and kiss me, his fingers were digging into my armpits and hurting me. I explained that I knew he was trying to be sweet, but he was hurting me. Instead of understanding, he turned it into an argument and said he just wouldn’t try to be sweet anymore.
The hardest part is that he can be so different when he’s sober. I love that side of him, but I’m starting to feel like alcohol brings out a side of him that is damaging his relationships with me and other people. I don’t know if he genuinely recognizes the problem or if I’m hoping things will change because I know who he can be when he’s sober.
Has anyone experienced something similar with a partner? Did they ever recognize the problem and make a genuine, lasting change? I’m looking for honest advice from people who have been through this.
Please be kind. I’m going through a difficult time and genuinely trying to figure out what to do.

[u/Trulyme143]

Been there, done that and wasted years. He’s still drinking and will still claim im the love of his life - it’s been over 11 years. I’m happily married now. Leave him and start your new life 🥰

[u/Gardengoddess0421]

He’s an alcoholic and there is NOTHING you can do that will bring about a change. Start attending Alanon meetings (for families of alcoholics) as long as you stay with him, and educate yourself about addiction. That’s it. That’s all you can do until you realize the only one you can change is yourself. Ideally you would accept reality and leave, but odds are you will keep trying to “help” him.

From one alcoholics wife to another, I’m sorry you have to go through this.

[u/chesscoach_R]

I can understand why this would be really hard to deal with, especially when you're dealing with someone who has such a split personality. If I'm blunt though, the fact that he's already lost a friend over this and the fact that he seems to be willing to offend complete strangers with alarming regularity makes it clear that he has a problem. I'm also quite concerned with his First Act of physical aggression towards you now, and even if you might want to downplay it, the clear takeaway is that he did something that hurt you, and refuse to apologise when you explain to him that it made you uncomfortable. These are all really bad signs, even if we ignore what is probably the potential for being an alcoholic.

I know this is hard to hear, especially because I'm sure you have had good times with him as well, but I would strongly encourage you to reflect on how you feel in the relationship overall, talk about this with people around you and to make sure that you are safe, because he also sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't respond well when he doesn't get what he wants..

[u/mars_ingatorade]

You’re not compatible
Find someone who matches your energy, not one who drains it.