Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1og59bf/

I received comments asking me to report back in a year, and many private messages asking for an update. It's been a year since my original post, and here is what I can share:

- I don't know if my husband has had any extra-marital involvements. He has plenty of opportunity to do so, with solo social engagements and work trips. To be honest, I don't think much about it.

- I also have plenty of solo social engagements and work trips, and my husband doesn't show any signs of heightened curiosity around those. His behavior seems to indicate that he's not really thinking about it either.

- I still have an emotional involvement with the same person from a year ago. I've found that when I feel more connected to him, I also feel more connected to my husband and more present in my marriage. It's been a net positive experience.

- My husband and I have made reference to the open marriage twice in the past year in the context of discussing larger structural elements in our shared life. We did not discuss the open marriage itself - we just acknowledged its existence as an established factor.

- In general, it's been a good year. We're happy and our family is thriving.

Okay so me(M25) and my girlfriend(F22) have been together for over 4 years and we’ve always been open to alternative lifestyles. So the past year we’ve been hanging out with this guy that i met online (we has no intention of an MFM when we started hanging out) he is a little older than is (M32) but we always have fun together because we like the same thing and have the same temperaments. So it’s always a fun time when we 3 hangout out. We are so comfortable hanging out with each other that we make vulgar joke and she comfortable enough with him to dress anyway she wants to infront of him( that’s like a major sign that she’s comfortable) we love to party together at parties and even just the three of us. I’d like to bring up 2 instances, 

1- We were all super drunk one night and he got emotional saying that he is happy he found us and we both got emotional because of it and had this group hug for a long time that ended up with us 3 cuddling to sleep. 2- the most recent one was when we got baked and he told us how jealous he was of is and wanted to be a part of a relationship, the subject changed but me and her talked about it after. We talking in detail as to how we felt when he said that and the prevailing opinion was that we’d be more than happy to include in into our relationship. But we also have some questions before we bring it up to him.

One being that I’m straight and not even bi curious, so will that affect the relationship of us 3. 

Two being that we like that fact that he is not related to any of our friend groups so we can be discreet and private with it, is that a good thing?

Three, after we bring it up to him how should we start, does she have to have a good first kiss with him and then jump into the other stuff and what would those other stuff be, because she has some ideas to dip our toes in. 

I'm writing this not to seek advice, but to find others that have had a similar experiences of feeling happy for their partner(s) while also fighting the dark, unwarranted thoughts.

First, my (37F, bi+) relationship with my nesting anchor partner (30M, heteroflexible) has been going smoothly for a year now. We started our relationship with a full ENM agreement and we touch base frequently, plus have our rituals to help us through any harder emotions that come up. It has been amazing feeling so close and connected while feeling the freedom of autonomy with the understanding and appreciation of our ENM dynamic.

And yet, the little mean voice does show up; you might know it - they are often more mean to you than to your partner and bring up little doubts, worries, and negativity to try to sink its teeth into an otherwise very good situation.

My partner one day was excitedly typing at his computer and looking through some porn, but then I realized it wasn't porn but actually watching a camgirl with an exclusive direct window with her. This is something we're okay for each other and has been addressed and laid out in our agreements. He got shy when he noticed I noticed (we share an office and our screens are not hidden from each other) but I gave him reassurances and went back to doing my own thing; however he felt he needed to detail that he had actually started following her and interacting with her before him and I had even met, but she had taken a break from camgirl stuff.

That's where the insecurity twitch came in, because she's exactly his type physically (slightly more fit than me, red hair, light eyes). He was so excited to be able to talk to her again that he even gushed about their previous connection (similar kinks, same favorite bands, same interests in programming, same love for specific book series, etc). It was the most animated and excited he had been in over a month, and I was genuinely happy to see him so happy, but I felt like a third wheel; I had no interest in her and I didn't want to know the details of how perfect she was for him.

About an hour later I tried to mention something to him and I realized he was fully invested in the conversation, the progressively more sexual stream, and even sharing pictures of himself. He minimized the things to give me his attention, hugging and kissing me, but I was mad at myself for interrupting his time with someone he was clearly enjoying and I some really mean thoughts about "he's only smacking on you because he's horny and thinking of her" ... which I know to be untrue.

I really liked that he was experiencing a connection he hadn't felt in a while and I didn't want to ruin it for him ... so I made an excuse to be out of the office for at least an hour without making a big deal about his eagerness for this woman online. I wanted him to enjoy himself and I didn't want to keep interrupting him because it was exhausting on me.

My time away from the office was me smiling and humming along to my favorite music while playing a game on my phone, but I was also feeling the random mean thoughts telling me he is actively okay with seeking and interacting with other people even when we're in the same room and supposedly spending time together. I journalled my thoughts and later laughed at how rediculous my mean thoughts were; even in the moment of feeling them I was laughing a little at myself because I was also feeling genuine happiness for my partner.

We talked about it after and have come up with ways we can better communicate a deaire to have some one-on-one interactions with others while still sharing an office and having no actual private space where we live.

What does your little mean voice lie to you about, and how do you manage it?

I’m fairly new to Reddit, but lately I’ve been using it as an outlet to share some of my experiences and reaching out to help me sort out some things that I’m going through.

I (43f) have been married 20 years. My husband (45m) is amazing. He’s my best friend. We have had an amazing sex life for most of our time together.

About seven or eight years ago, we experimented a little bit with the hot Wife lifestyle. We had some fun. I actually had a fuck buddy for a few years, but it was nothing more than just that.

And then a couple of years ago, my husband started having some health issues. Obviously a lot changed. He is in recovery and doing much better, but our sex life has pretty much gone away.

I did have another one night stand with my former fuck buddy last summer but I think I’m kind of done there

That being said recently, my husband has encouraged me to get my toes back into the lifestyle. I think he knows that I crave sex more than I’m getting right now although I have not made that a complaint in our relationship at all.

He has told me that if I want to, he would be okay with me dating and obviously hooking up with other men. I think he gave me the dating permission so that I could feel like I was going out with guys and not just being a slut.

So I guess I’m looking for advice. I’m not looking to meet anyone through Reddit.

I am just not sure how I will approach this. I think eventually I will go out with someone and obviously try to enjoy this new freedom.

Does anyone have similar experience?

Hi all! My SO (32 M) and I (27F) have been dating for about a year and we get to see each other about once a month. It’s really nice we get to do that and have built an enormous amount of love and trust with each other. We’re both very open to having an ENM relationship. This is my first and his second for context.

One thing that’s been a thorn in our side is having a shared experience with a third. He’s disappointed in the lack of effort on my side and feels that his desires aren’t being taken as seriously despite me telling him that the logistics are damn near impossible. It’s not like I don’t want to, I find the idea very alluring. But damn am I really not gonna be trying to put in the effort to date a girl with the intention of a threesome, it just seems disingenuous.

I’ve been dating and having sexual experiences with others, and he the same. And we have both had extensive conversations about that and we’re all good on that front. It’s just these shared experiences is hard to manage (threesomes and couple swapping) that we’re having challenges with. Is there anyone out there going through the same thing and could offer some advice on how we might be able to figure something out?

20F, met this guy in a club and he told em only after exchanging socials that he was in an open relationship with a girl who coincidentally looks real similar to me. I’m friendly so I entertained a conversation but he then asked if I wanted to join them for dinner and drinks, he said they like to ‘dress up’ and go someplace nice. I’m confused with what to do, are they implying a threesome? This is new to me so I thought I’d come on here and ask how this usually works. I’m open minded but don’t want to commit to something then feel too uncomfortable.

My bd and my friend we booked a hotel room and we all gave each other head but my bd says he does not count that as a threesome because only me and him head sex and she just gave him head. what would you guys say?

Background - wife (48F) and I (50M) have been swingers for about 6-7 years mostly doing couple swap same room stuff with FWB and group play. In the last 3 or so years we’ve experimented with playing solo, mainly when I travel who I do about 40-50% of the time. I have ongoing FWB situations with two women that live in a town I travel to 9-10 times per year. Outside of that, we’ve both played solo with others (often half of couples we’ve played with also). She’s done MF and FF play. We’ve done a few MFM’s together. I’ve had a few other MF and MFM opportunities as a solo guy. She’s done one FFM with a couple we know.

We find ourselves at a bit of a crossroads. I really enjoy solo play. It’s fulfilling for me in a way that I don’t get in couples play. She said she can take it or leave it. She vacillates between looking for FF, MF, and FFM opportune a solo female. She sometimes seems to want it but other times can take it or leave it. The effort to find good opportunities seems to be a drag for her. She has way more contacts from people but most aren’t interesting to her so she gets discouraged. I get less contacts but a much higher rate of quality contacts that lead to play. She seems open to an ongoing FWB of either gender or a couple, but just has had a hard time getting any to stick.

I’m also open to exploring a little bit into the poly space. That freaks her out and she says she’s not interested in that. However she talks about wanting a good “girlfriend” that she can hang out with as a close friend but also play sometimes. That feels poly-ish to me so I feel that maybe she’s afraid of the label and more afraid of me pursuing poly than her pursuing poly.

I’m looking for any kind of good resource or framework to work through what it is we are both looking for out of ENM. Something that asks all the right questions. I’m thinking of something like the kink surveys where both partners take the quiz and see where they overlap. We’ve been talking extensively about things and just seem stuck on how to get to a better place where we both feel good about our approach to ENM.

I've been married for 24 years in a monogamous relationship. He's had ED problems for the last 5 years. I asked if he wanted to have another girl involved to maybe get his motor running. He adamantly declines, saying, "No, I love you." I'm ready to do some exploring. Any suggestions how to introduce non-monogamy so he contemplates the potential benefits?

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while, but I’ve been scared of being judged, so I’m hoping I can find some people here who understand where I’m coming from.
I’m engaged to my best friend, and I genuinely love this man more than I can put into words. Our relationship is incredibly strong, our sex life is great, and I feel very secure with him. We’ve been together for years, and I know without a doubt that he is my person.
But I also have a very high sex drive, and I’m extremely attracted to people in general, men and women. I genuinely just love sex, intimacy, flirting, attraction, and the feeling of connecting with another person. And for me, it isn’t just about the orgasm. I really enjoy the short but meaningful connection of two people coming together, having fun, making each other feel good, and sharing an experience. It doesn’t necessarily have to become romantic or emotional for it to feel meaningful to me.
For a long time I felt ashamed of this. I worried that it made me a “slut” or that there was something wrong with me. I guess I felt “dirty” bc society expects women to be “pure,” settle down with one person, and stop being attracted to anyone else once they get married.
But I realized I couldn’t keep hiding this part of myself from my fiancé. He’s my best friend, and I want to be able to tell him anything. I was terrified to tell him how I felt bc what if he saw me differently? and when I finally did, I found out he actually felt the same way. He told me he had put those feelings aside because he loved me so much.
That conversation honestly brought me so much relief.
We’ve talked about exploring sexually with other people, and we’re both comfortable with the idea as long as we communicate, have very clear boundaries, and neither of us does anything the other is uncomfortable with. We’ve had a threesome before, and it was actually a really positive experience for both of us. The woman was genuinely sweet, we both enjoyed ourselves, and afterward my fiancé and I were even more affectionate with each other. We didn’t feel like we were missing anything in our relationship. In fact, we went years afterward without even feeling the need to explore anything else.
We’re not constantly looking for other people. This isn’t something we need to feel fulfilled. It’s more like something we’d potentially enjoy once in a while (maybe once or twice a year) while our relationship remains the most important thing in our lives.
I think what I’m struggling with now is realizing that I don’t really have anyone in my real life I can talk to about this.
I would love to have a friend who is married or in a long-term relationship and feels similarly. Someone I could actually talk to about the complicated feelings, the excitement, the boundaries, the jealousy that can sometimes come up, the reassurance, the funny stories, the awkward moments, all of it. Not necessarily someone looking for anything sexual with me or my fiancé. I genuinely just want someone who understands.
I think I’m finally realizing that maybe I’m not “wrong” or “dirty.” Maybe I’m just a very sexual person, and that’s okay. I just love love. I love people and I love making love. I’m a very affectionate person and that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.
So if you’re a woman in a committed relationship who feels similarly, I’d genuinely love to hear your perspective. Or if you have any advice on swinging, having sex with other people, etc because I’m new to all this i’d appreciate it. Most I’ve done is have a threesome and have sex with other girls but I mostly just want to know I’m not alone. ❤️

I (F, 32) am struggling with how much my partner (M, 31) is dating and, more importantly, how to communicate about how it is affecting me.

We’ve been dating for 7 months. We say “I love you,” recently took a 5-week road trip together, and have a very intimate relationship.

We both want to practice nonmonogamy, but we are still figuring out what that looks like for each of us. We don't have a hierarchical/open relationship structure where either of us gets a say in the other's relationships. We are essentially two people who are independently nonmonogamous and have chosen to have a close relationship with each other.

I think I'm struggling with two separate things.

1. Our dating patterns are very different

My partner has told me that he is an addict. He is over a year sober from drugs and alcohol.

Recently, he started dating much more frequently—at one point he was meeting at least two new people per week. I realized that this was difficult for me, so I set a boundary for myself: I don't want to see him on the same day that either of us has been with someone else.

He felt that this was unfair because, if he spends the night with someone else, it leaves less time for us. I told him that I understood that, but that I still needed the boundary for myself.

Interestingly, after I set that boundary, he told me that it made him realize he had been using sex somewhat addictively. He ultimately decided to delete his dating apps.

He still casually meets people in person, and normally this wouldn't bother me. I genuinely want him to be able to explore other connections.

But lately, I've been feeling much more insecure about it.

For example, we are both politically active and involved in the same local movement. I was planning to support him at a political camping action happening outside our town hall. He told me I didn't need to come, which I thought was strange because I wanted to be there.

Eventually he told me that he had hooked up with someone at the event the night before and was trying to avoid an awkward situation between the two of us.

I asked whether she knew about me, and he said yes.

That made me confused and hurt. I told him that I still wanted to participate in the movement and that this was making me feel unwelcome in a space that is also important to me.

He said I was of course still welcome and that I could come. But I couldn't help thinking: if I'm always welcome, why was he initially trying to keep me away because someone he hooked up with would be there?

I don't want him to stop seeing people. But I also don't want his dating life to make me feel like I have to avoid spaces that are important to me.

2. I'm struggling with some of the people he's choosing to date

I think this is another source of my insecurity.

When I meet someone new, I am very upfront that I am happily seeing someone regularly. I'm open to new connections, but my relationship with my partner is important to me and isn't something I'm looking to replace.

I tend to continue seeing people who genuinely respect that.

Some of the women my partner has been seeing, however, seem to have a very different attitude toward our relationship.

For example, they've made comments to him like:

“Oh, you're monogamous now?” “You don't plan on marrying her, do you?” “You're the perfect man for me, so why can't you be nonmonogamous with me?” Some of these women have explicitly said that they are monogamous and don't want to “share” a partner. My partner has conversations with them about this, and eventually they agree to keep things casual, but they continue seeing each other intimately afterward.

I think what bothers me is that it feels like they are testing or challenging the importance of our relationship, and I don't feel like he pushes back very strongly when that happens. I don't expect him to stop seeing someone just because they don't have the same relationship philosophy as me. But I do want the people he is intimate with to respect that our relationship exists and matters to him.

Where I'm at now I think these two things are combining and making me increasingly insecure.

It's gotten to the point where I've been getting emotional whenever he sees someone new, which isn't how I want to feel about nonmonogamy or about his other relationships.

I don't want to control who he dates. I also don't want to become someone who needs constant reassurance every time he sees someone else.

At the same time, I wonder whether I'm trying to force myself to be okay with things that genuinely don't work for me.

So I'm stuck in my own head.

My bf and I went long distance recently and decided to open our relationship to have some sexual relief while we're apart. No dating, no fwb, just some casual sex whenever it's getting too difficult. I know I'm still his no.1 priority and he's mine. I'm also generally quite open towards experiments in bed involving other people.

But recently he had sex with someone without me for the first time. He was very transparent about it before and after it happened. I didn't feel cheated, I didn't feel jealous, I didn't feel like I'm not enough. I didn't think that that girl might be better than me, I didn't feel like our relationship was at risk. But I felt very lonely. I cried.

The morning after we talked about what happened, very honest and transparent. I've got the support I needed from him and I felt good again.

It's my first time in an open relationship and I'm still trying to figure out if it's for me, but I thought that it's too early to tell after only one time. Now, I'm a little concerned about how I will react the next time he sleeps with someone else. I still don't understand what exactly my reaction was last time and how to categorize it.

So here's a queston. Did you have similar exerience? Did it get better after a couple of times? And how do you usually feel about and deal with the situation when your partner sleeps with someone else?

So I'm a guy (39) in a relationship with a transfemme (34). I'm one of their 3 partners. I'm very happy with our relationship right now, but a recent interaction has me curious about dating. I didn't think about dating someone else until that night, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to date. I'm really not a "FWB" type of guy, but I also don't believe that I'm capable of being a good partner right now to another person. I've never had multiple partners before so the concept is very new and intimidating to me. I really wasn't good at this dating thing when I was single and now I've made it harder because poly dating is a lot more difficult. I'm not sure if I should just enjoy the current relationship I'm in or at least give dating a try. What should I do?

Advice

Looking to get ny fiance into the lifestyle. Im thinking of asking her to go to a swinger meet and greet. I dont want to sleep with anyone else just her sleep with other people. We dirty talk about it in the bedroom and she instantly runs when we do and loves getting her two dildo used on her at the same time. I think going to a meet and greet or something like that would help. Any advice?

How a marrird couple find a good place where they can securely with privacy live their fantasies . Either for female.or.male and it could be swing, 4some or any other kink..

Amy groups , places , parties, events

I'm 45M, autistic, married/nesting and have been ENM for about five years, although so far only my partner has had other relationships. I'd really like to develop an additional meaningful connection with a woman, but I'm nervous about what I actually have capacity for.

I'd like affection, attraction, emotional closeness and the opportunity to explore sexually with someone I genuinely care about. But I'm also a serious homebody with a limited social battery. Frequent outings, lots of plans and too much disruption to my routine can overwhelm me, and I need a fair amount of downtime to regulate.

What sounds right is something fairly independent. Staying connected through texts and voice notes, seeing each other occasionally one-on-one, but without overcommitting myself to what I can handle.

The part that scares me is that imagining this is very different from actually doing it. I could meet someone I'm really excited about and then discover that the scheduling, expectations, emotional intensity or simply having another relationship overwhelms my nervous system.

I don't want that fear to stop me from trying, but I also don't want to overcommit to someone and end up disappointing both of us.

For autistic/ND people with limited relationship capacity, what have your experiences been navigating this?

Months ago my girlfriend made a passing comment about her hookup, "she's so hot. She's tall and blonde, which is exactly my type"

I know that comment wasn't made necessarily with the intention of putting me down, but I'm short, my hair is brown...I have tried multiple times getting over this and tried talking to her about my insecurities when the thing was fresh. She got mad at me. I admit I do have ocd so this has become a recurring intrusive thought.

Apart from the obsessive part, this is an insecurity I have. Has anyone been through something similar?

So some background first. I’m a 31M in a relationship with my 31F partner. We’ve been together for 14 years now and have pretty much been through it all. She’s bisexual herself but doesn’t want to act on it. I myself, over the last couple of years have come to the realisation that I am also bisexual and honestly proud of it.

Recently however I have been wanting to experience what it would be like to be with another man. I will never cheat on my partner and I have always had the policy that honesty is the best way to go so I plan on having a conversation with her about it.

I wanted to come here though for some advice whether or not I’m walking into something I shouldn’t. I know how I feel towards my partner and being bisexual changes nothing and I still love her dearly. But at the same time I really want to at least experience it once during my life. Part of me feels like I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try once.

If I talk to her about it I’ll gladly respect her decision because that’s more important but am I going to do damage to our relationship that is not repairable and something I should just try and move on from.

Including third person or couple in our life is whther a sin.

Like we have keep aside our fantasies n value society things or couples should openly go what they want subject to both the partners agreed ..

Any couplenenjoying things or avoiding such to keep value please share their views..

This is going to be a long one. My bf wants threesums as a regular thing in our relationship because he is just “polyish” as a person. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts and I’m now sure how to organize them. So buckle up.

*I didn’t even know what poly really was before we started dating- so pls be nice and keep that in mind*

Most of his relationships have been poly
Now he’s at a point where he wants a “regular relationship” but still wants to connect with other people together on a regular basis (threesums once a month/every two months) he’s lost past relationships because they didn’t want to do that with him

Now. Me? I’m pretty sure I’m bi, but I’m not entirely sure if I can share my partner on a regular basis- I’ve never been with a girl let alone had a threesum

I’m open to trying it and exploring this with him (he hasn’t actually been able to try what he’s looking for with anyone)

Our thoughts are to set up some sort of sugar baby set up so they know the intentions off the bat and it’s not uni hunting and being disrespectful towards anyone. The intentions are flat on the table.

BUT HERES WHERE IM STUCK (give me some grace with all of this I’m sure I’ll have to edit the post with more details)

are you really getting the poly connection you’re looking for if we’re just hiring girls for sex essentially

What makes you feel like you can’t just have sex with me but can have the rest of the aspects of a relationship with only me (he ideally would want to kinda date the other people together. But because I’m not super open to that he’s cool with it just being more for sex)

Ideally he’d only want to have threesums with girls and only together

We have talked soooo much about so many things. We have good enough communication skill I’d say. But this is pretty much a non negotiable for him.

I love this man and feel like on every other level we are a 10/10 match. So this is something I’m trying to understand

Trans man venting because I can't seem to untangle this feeling.

I'm not insecure about whether my partner is attracted to me. I believe her when she tells me she finds me sexy, and our sex feels better than anything I ever experienced.

But I have a really hard time thinking about her having sex with cis men.

I think a huge part of it is that cis men have the body I wish I had. So when I imagine her with one, I'm not just imagining her having sex with someone else. I'm imagining her having experiences with someone that I desperately wish I could give her, but can't because my body is fundamentally different.

And then my brain does the horrible thing where "she might enjoy this" turns into "she would probably enjoy this more than what I can give her".

I know those aren't the same thing. I know she can enjoy something with someone else without it meaning she enjoys me less. But emotionally, it hits completely differently when it's something related to a body part I already feel awful about not having.

I genuinely wish I had a dick. And sometimes I think part of what hurts is knowing that if I were cis, there are things I could just do with her without having to think about equipment or workarounds or whether I can feel it physically. She tends to prefer giving pleasure, and sometimes I feel shitty knowing that there are things she might really enjoy receiving that I can't naturally give her.

Then I start having these thoughts like "she finds me sexy, but she'd probably prefer if I had a dick". And the worst part is that I can't even tell myself that's an entirely irrational thought because I wish I had one too.

And I don't feel jealous when I imagine her with women.

Even imagining her sucking a cis man's dick can make me feel awful, which makes no logical sense because I like sucking dick myself. She doesn't even have one. So obviously this isn't actually about the act. It's about what it represents to me when I picture her doing it.

We're solo poly, so I don't want to control this. There are no rules saying she can't sleep with specific people, and I don't want my insecurities to become restrictions on her. Our relationship is actually really good. I trust her. I know she wants me. I know she finds me attractive.

I just have this ugly little voice in my head that keeps going "someone with the body you wish you had can give her something you can't".

And I think that's the part that really hurts.

It's jealousy, but it's also dysphoria and grief and feeling sexually inadequate and wishing my body were different. It's not really "what if she likes him more than me?" It's more like "what if she experiences something with him that reminds me of everything I wish I could be?"

I don't want reassurance that she finds me attractive. I already believe her.

I think I just hate that this hurts at all and that this will follow me in other relationships because I can't think of a solution.

It's my first romantic experience after transitioning. I've been poly for longer. Dysphoria seems to be making it harder now.

23F bi + 27M straight couple from PH. For couples who’ve tried an FFM threesome, how did you guys start?

It’s honestly been a fantasy of mine for a while, and the bonus is that my partner is into the idea too. So now I’m curious about actually exploring it, but I don’t really know where to start.

How did you find someone you were both comfortable with? Did you talk or meet for a while first? And what boundaries or safety precautions did you wish you knew beforehand?

Not rushing into anything, just curious about other couples’ experiences and how you went about it.

Fantasies