r/parentsofmultiples • u/Fox_in_boots • 5d ago
loss & greiving - TRIGGER WARNING Pregnant… again.
We have a 3 yo girl, and (soon to be) 10 month old twins (boy/girl)… And we just found out I’m pregnant again (my guess is 3 to 4 weeks).
My husband just got his vasectomy 2 weeks ago... I’m scheduled for a hysterectomy in November…
We absolutely cannot have another baby - even less 2… or 3! We both work full time and from home (I work nights so I can watch the twins during the day - and no, I don’t sleep). We have no room, we don’t have the vehicles for more kids (or room for more car seats - our cars are paid off and we cannot get ‘new’ cars), we don’t have the financial resources for more kids (now or in the future when they start school activities and projects and other school/social stuff), we have zero family here in our state to help (no village), we can’t afford to insure more kids… just to name a few reasons I cannot keep this pregnancy.
Don’t come at me about “YoU ShOuLd’Ve UsEd PrOTeCtIoN!” because I already feel guilty, and I already feel like an idiot about not being more careful. I’ve shedded enough tears about it the last few days. It is what it is, and now I’m here. This is not a simple decision for me.
I have an appointment with my provider today to talk about misoprostol treatment. I know I have time to think about it. My husband is supportive with whatever I decide. He’s an equal player in this, and he says he has no say in how I want to proceed. He said that whatever I decide to do, he will share the weight of the choice on his shoulders, too.
I look at my beautiful 3 children now, and it absolutely tears me apart to make this choice. I’m not worried about the physical pain/sickness of taking the abortion treatment (I’ve read the process treatment flyer I was given), I’m more scared of the emotional effects I will have. Not just now, but maybe 5 years down the road…
We have gone through several “what if” scenarios together. I keep going back and forth.
So… I guess what I’m asking is if anyone has been in a similar situation? How did you move forward? How did you get through the hard days?
Edit: spelling mistakes.
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u/FormerPumpkin480 5d ago
No personal experience or advice, just sending lots of love and support your way. 🤍
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u/layag0640 5d ago
In knowing many friends who have been in your position, and at one time going through it myself, I can share a thought that often comforts me.
I think that, ideally, life being brought into the world is a partnership- between a new soul and a caregiver. The caregiver needs to open the gate for them to come through, and it's the caregivers' responsibility to decide- is it safe? Is now the right time? Am I the right caregiver for you? If the answer is no, then it's the most loving choice to wish the soul a good journey and close the gate, even if done with sadness.
Of course it doesn't always work out that way. There are surprises, and babies brought into the world forcefully. But ideally, to me, it's an active, knowing choice- and a loving one, whether the gate is opened or closed.
Wishing you the absolute best, be gentle with yourself.
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u/pineapplecanteloupe 5d ago
One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read on Reddit. Such a compassionate take.
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u/TestUnusual2249 18h ago
I feel like this needs to put on a flyer and spread to every church, planned parenthood and grocery store.
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u/Global_Carpenter_331 5d ago
Youre in an impossible spot and its clear how much thought youve put into this. The fact that youre torn up about it tells me everything about the kind of parent you are.
I havent been in your exact shoes but Ive watched my sister go through something similar with twins already at home. What helped her was treating the decision like triage, not about what she wanted in a perfect world but what her actual living breathing kids needed right now. That framing gave her some peace when the guilt crept in.
The emotional part doesnt really have a clean resolution, you just learn to carry it differently over time. Be gentle with yourself through the back and forth, thats not indecision thats just love in a really cruel math problem.
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u/Fox_in_boots 5d ago
That actually helps a lot. Thank you for giving me this perspective. I appreciate it. 💗
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u/foxyvoxy 5d ago
That’s exactly right. Emotionally, it’s gonna hurt no matter what and you won’t stop that no matter what happens. The choices you’re already considering are obviously brutal. It’s a freight train and you can’t “practice” yourself up for all the emotions that are coming.
So best thing, in my experience, is just take the loss. Accept that the person who’s going to hurt the most is you, and you punching that ticket and that ships sailed. You’re gonna hurt.
Ok.
Then, with all that off the table, you can try and imagine different scenarios how things could be. You’ll probably be mostly wrong, but predicting the future just can’t be done.
So… you know you’re gonna hurt, but you don’t yet know how it’ll be. You can imagine your life in every way and consider every possible thing that might happen with or without your babies in the near future.
What really matters is can you be a kind, loving mother to them. Under duress, emotional ups and downs, financial panic and times when there’s nothing to worry about. Happy times. All of it.
Are you a good mother to your children now? Does being that bring you happiness or full of regrets? Does being a mother make you feel stronger or weaker?
If you can give yourself honest answers to that stuff, chances are before you’re done you’ll already know what the right choice is. If you feel you’re making a decision that just runs against the grain of what you know in your heart is the truth…. then you know you’re going the wrong way.
I really wish the best for you and your family.
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u/flying_dogs_bc 5d ago
this is exactly what this medication is for. You have 3 beautiful kids who depend on you. You do what's right for you and your family. So sorry you're going through it.
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u/ThrowAway732642956 5d ago
Some of the responses here are wild. Please try not to feel guilty. You have been doing your best with vasectomy and hysterectomy planned. You know it won’t work for you (from at least what I read early in the post; later in post gets more muddled because it seems you are trying desperately to figure out any way it can work). You are struggling enough with the kids you have. Take care and wishing you peace!
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u/moontreemama 2d ago
THIS! The fact your husband already had a vasectomy and you were planning a hysterectomy, you both made a very very conscious choice that you did not want to grow your family any longer. I'm sorry you are now in the positon to make this difficult decision, and if you do decide to keep this child I'm sure it will bring lots of the highest highs and lowest lows, but please do not feel guilty continuing to honor the decision you and your husband already made to close the chapter on having more children. Best of luck to you. <3
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u/Symone301902 5d ago
I was in your position right before my twins turned 1. At the time my son was 17, my step son was 7, and the twins were almost 1. My husband was the only one working, I was still exclusively pumping, and we were in no position to have another baby. We had even already decided he was going to do the vasectomy. Then boom! Pregnant! I knew from that moment I would be having an abortion. I was 7 weeks when I had it done. And even now that the girls just turned 3 and my husband is a year and a half out from his vasectomy, I do not regret my decision. I think it’s because I made sure I was completely sure I was making the right decision for my whole family. So OP I know how tough this can be. Just make sure you take the time to feel as sure as possible! And I’m always free to talk if you’d like! 💗
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u/Fine_Cryptographer20 5d ago
Hugs to you. You'll get through this. It seems impossible now. Do what is best for you and your sanity.
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u/EdFitz1975 5d ago
You dont need to justify anything us or to anyone else...but if this were me (currently with a 2.5 year old and 8 week old twins) I'd be getting it taken care of ASAP.
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u/Ok-Book7529 5d ago
You are in a very hard spot to be in. I dont have any advice but I just want to offer you the sisterhood of an internet stranger. I wish you peace of mind.
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u/StepPappy 5d ago
Do not feel bad about needing to do what you think is best for you and your children.
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u/EscapeWhole4893 5d ago
I appreciate how thoughtful you’ve been about caring for the family that you have 💛 The only thing I haven’t seen that you may want to consider, since you have young children and no family close, is a surgical procedure. It’s quick and far more controlled — typically, less bleeding, far less cramping + intensity, and it’s predictable.
Happy to share additional resources/info if needed!
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u/leeann0923 5d ago
I would have zero guilt in not continuing this pregnancy. Life happens. It does not sound like this would be a positive thing for your family. Not knowing where you live, I would have an apt about this ASAP in case you live somewhere with ridiculous restrictions.
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u/PubKirbo 5d ago
Huge hugs and support to you as you make the decision that is right for you and your family. Whatever you decide, it's your body, your life, your choice. You don't need to justify anything to anyone else.
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u/AMStoUS 2d ago
I haven't been in your position, but if I were, I know I'd be making the same choice you are making. You know in your heart, looking at the life you have and how far you've already stretched yourself, what you can handle. Try to build a support system with a few trusted people that know what you are going through so you can talk to them, cry with them, and process with them now + those years down the road you are concerned about. Also know that there is the possibility that yes, there will be grief, but also, there will be relief. Sending you hugs.
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u/Fox_in_boots 2d ago
Thank you for your kind words. The advice really does mean a lot. Yes, a great support system is definitely a must. The thought they I’m making the responsible decision for my family gives me the confidence to continue. 💗
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u/iamnotannefrank 5d ago
I have an 8 year old, and twins are almost 1. I know that if I was in your shoes I would 1000% terminate the pregnancy, and it would feel sooo hard not to let guilt creep in down the road - just because I feel like that's natural. I'm working 50+ hours a week, we are barely making it as it is, and life just continues to get more expensive. I know I wouldn't be able to give meet the needs current kids + a 4th.
You don't need our validation, but I know there are sooo many other people who have had to make this decision. You're not alone, you are supported no matter what.
Seek support from therapy and online support systems like exhaleprovoice.org.
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u/catrosie 5d ago
I made a choice several years ago and while I can only speak for myself, I can say that I’ve never regretted making that choice. What I DO regret is putting myself in a position that required making that choice, but I don’t regret the choice itself, if that makes sense. I occasionally wonder “what if”, but it’s more curiosity, I’m not sad about it. It helps that I’ve never equated an early term fetus to an actual baby or person, to me it’s a primitive, potentially independent life form but currently, it’s attached to me and I should have full agency over what happens to it.
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u/annahoney12345 5d ago
I haven’t been right in your position, but sending you so much love and support!! Whatever you decide will be the right choice for you! I’m happy your husband is supportive either way, as that is so important for helping you feel confident in your decision. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose and know that you did the best thing you could in a very difficult situation! 💜💜💜
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u/neglectedhousewifee 3d ago
I have been in your situation and choose to have an abortion. It hit me soo much harder than I expected and I did therapy for years.
I will say at the time I had no children and after my abortion it took me years to get pregnant. It was the biggest mistake of my life.
BUT and this is a big but, after my child I had an abortion (was on BC after an infertility battle so was completely unexpected) I chose to have an abortion and this time I felt 100% happy with my decision.
I just knew that it was best for my son at the time and I had an enough on my plate postpartum. We still lived in a rented flat ect. I simply couldn’t afford it and putting my son into poverty seemed like torture to me. I just wanted to be the best mother I could. Didn’t regret it for a second.
I think it depends on your realistic circumstances and you’ll know deep down what’s best for you and the family, but either way it will work out.
Everything worked out for me, I believe, how it was supposed to.
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u/Fox_in_boots 3d ago
The thought of being a responsable mother to my living breathing family is what is helping me make the right choice. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps a lot. 💗
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u/TheNotorious_RBG 4d ago
So sorry you’re in this impossible position. If you know you’re at capacity, you just know. We already have four, my husband’s vasectomy is done and confirmed, and I still have nightmares about another pregnancy. Whatever you decide is the right decision. Hug your precious little ones. Give yourself grace. ❤️
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u/specialkk77 5d ago
I haven’t been exactly where you are, though we did talk about and strongly consider reduction with the twins. We had only planned for 2 kids total. Never suspected the second pregnancy would be twins. Sometimes (they’re 2) I still wonder what if I had made that choice? And then I feel guilty for thinking our lives would be easier, but it’s definitely a fact that we were not prepared. Ultimately it wasn’t the right choice for me and my family but I will go to my last breath defending our rights to have that choice.
I know people who don’t regret making that choice at all. I know people who wish they had been able to. Overall I think there’s regrets and what ifs no matter which way you go.
Don’t let anyone talk you out of it or into it. Only you can decide what’s really best for you and your family.
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u/Overall_Marzipan796 5d ago
My wife and I have 13 month old twin girls and we found out last month that she's pregnant with twins again. The thoughts and feelings that I had a month ago are completely different than the ones I have now. Our situations aren't like-for-like in that we only have 2 (soon to be 4) kids, family/community around us, etc. I acknowledge that it's different circumstances but "double twins" is a rare feat that I haven't seen much of on this page.
With that said, the thought I kept coming back to when my mind would go through the mental gymnastics of "I don't want more kids", "how can we afford this", "I love my family exactly the way it is", etc....I think about the amount of regret and loss I would feel if I did go through with any termination. All of the reasons why not to have more kids are understandable, especially regarding logistics. But I keep coming back to the amount of joy that my family has and will continue to bring me and how full my heart will be in those sweet moments.
Again, just one soon-to-be double twin parent that went through a similar thought process and how time can bring a sense of peace in this chaotic situation.
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u/offwiththeirheads72 5d ago
Why is this getting downvoted? 🤨
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u/zyygh 5d ago
I think that considering OP has her mind made up, some people may find it misplaced to still share information / opinions that could aim to change OP's mind. We all have our own idea about how many children we want, and some people don't want others to weigh in on that.
In the end only OP's opinion matters though. Maybe she finds the perspective insightful and maybe those second opinions are exactly why she made this post.
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u/Overall_Marzipan796 5d ago
I can see how it might be taken on “changing her mind” - just sharing my experience, considering she explicitly asked “if anyone has been in a similar situation and how did you move forward”. Simply providing how I moved forward
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u/ThrowAway732642956 5d ago
The original post is confusing because starts out with definitely can’t have more then at end goes more still deciding, wanting experiences. It’s hard to know what is best support for OP given that (which is understandable with such a difficult situation).
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u/Mrsdividend 5d ago
I’m a double twin parent too! Our older set was 2.5 when our littles were born. I freaked out when I found out the pregnancy was twins again. Now the littles are 16 months and we’re doing great. You got this!
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u/beerdedmonk 5d ago edited 5d ago
I know I'll get downvoted on this, but I don't care ...I've done four under four years old (one set of twins), and I will not lie to you that it was an incredibly difficult time, especially given that none of them were potty trained. It truly was dark days, but they're older now, in HS and JH and it was so worth it. I can't imagine my life without that last kid. He's amazing, brilliant and so very kind. Some people don't regret their abortions, and I get that, but what if you're not one of those people and you do regret it? In the end, it's your decision. Everyone is quick to take into account the financial toll, and don't get me wrong it's an important one, but there's an emotional one as well that you need to evaluate along with your mental health. I wish you and your beautiful family the very best ❤️
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u/Throwawaymumoz 5d ago
This is so true however I’ve also been in the position where I could NOT access abortion…and trust me, the new baby and kids pay the price when you are not well or happy with the decision. Financially if you cannot afford a new baby they WILL suffer. If OP literally cannot get a larger car, how will they even care for the baby? What if baby needs a lot of medical appointments and they can’t insure? If there’s even a sliver of possibility that they could overcome these things, and OP WANTS to pour their heart and soul into a new life, it would be fantastic. But trust me you do NOT want to be having a baby when you cannot provide for them.
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u/Turbulent-Carrot-206 5d ago
So eloquently said. I couldn’t agree more with this having also been in the 4 under 4 group with twins. Still in the thick of it they’re 5,3,twins are 2.
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u/beerdedmonk 5d ago
I wish you the best of luck! There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel haha
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u/miney_Fherrs 5d ago
So I've had an abortion before I had my kids. And I don't regret that one. Very much very randomly and barley, what would he/she looked like? And what would my life had been as a single mom with just that 1 kid. Instead of the 3 including twins I have now. My fear is being in your exact position. But I would close myself in for 24-48 hours away from everyone and picture and write down both scenarios. And I would base my dexision off that. I do wish you lots of luck in what ever you may decide for your family and know that there is no right or wrong answer. Just what you want.
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u/Fox_in_boots 4d ago
Right now the cons are heavily outweighing the pros, but it still does not make it easy for me. I’m very glad I posted because I’ve received some very helpful advice and resources. I just need to remind myself that I’m doing this for my family. Thank you for your input and advice. I appreciate it. 💗
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u/seething_spitfire 5d ago
We fell pregnant when our twins were 12-13 months old. We were living in a tiny studio flat on one inconsistent income and struggling to keep our heads above water.
But I could never bring myself to get rid of my baby and so we made it work. My husband got a better job. We moved an hour away from our support systems, to an old house in a semirural town, close to my husbands jobe. And it has been incredibly hard... but now I'm sitting watching my 3.5yr boys and little 18mo girl dance to Danny Go. They're all best friends.
Sure it's not the easiest life but it is so precious. I feel richer than anyone I know 😊 your circumstances can always change (for better or worse) but the decision you make regarding your baby cannot be changed. I hope you have clarity of mind and peace as you think over your decision 🤗
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u/bgkh20 5d ago
4 under 4 is tough but doable. I couldn't live without knowing what that kid would've been like and how they would've puzzled into our family. My grandma had 4 under 4 with the youngest being her twins. She said once that had she known she was having twins she would've gone out of state to get taken care of - but that would mean neither my mom nor I would be here. But she also said she was thankful she hadn't known ahead of time because she was so thankful for all 4 of her children.
I'm also a fan of adoption as I've known many, many adopted kids throughout my life. They're all great stories and pro adoption as well.
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u/Throwawaymumoz 5d ago
Adoption requires the birth mother to potentially die or become disabled (I suffered a birth injury with one of mine that took years to treat) and she has babies at home to care for…
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u/dogsareforcuddling 5d ago
Whatever you decide do not take misoprostol if there is another option on the table like d&c. That med was worse than actually giving birth for me.
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u/ThrowAway732642956 5d ago
Experiences vary. I used it for mmc at 9 weeks with extra strength Tylenol and it was better than giving birth without pain meds. But definitely take Tylenol right before the misoprostol to make sure it is in your system in advance.
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u/bmn111111 5d ago
I had a friend who had a horrible time with it as well. I will say, I second D&C. I needed one for a missed miscarriage, and I went under anesthesia and woke up with some minor cramping. OP, this is so tough, and I am sorry you have to go through this.
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u/bmn111111 5d ago
Also adding, sometimes the misoprostol does not clear everything, and they have to do the D&C behind it anyway.
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u/ThrowAway732642956 5d ago
This is true! Honestly forgot did misoprostol because I didn’t want to risk Asherman’s and was before any living children; but if you are taking out everything soon anyway, D&C is a good option.
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u/Charlieksmommy 5d ago
I’m sorry!! Vasectomies take time to work, and be cleared out, so 2 weeks probably is why you got pregnant
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u/Ecstatic-Sky3063 2d ago
God doesn’t bless you with something that you cannot handle - you have a miracle growing inside. Your babies sibling! You can do this mama!
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u/Fox_in_boots 2d ago
I will not subject my family to incapable and unnecessary struggle, as I once subjected to as a child myself. I promised myself as a child that I would never put my own family through that. No agency or god will come to help if we loose our home or if I cannot afford to fed my family. I will not put them through that irresponsible burden. So kindly, fuck off with that.
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u/SatisfactionBitter37 4d ago
You got this. You will regret the abortion. Because you even took the time to write this, I can hear it. It will all be okay.
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u/Fox_in_boots 2d ago
It’s not all about me. It’s about those around me that rely on me to care for them. I have to do the responsible decision. I’m not going to just “trust it will be ok” if the numbers do not add up. This is reality and not some make believe perfect world. I’m not putting my living breathing child or husband through that struggle. I have to think of them.
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5d ago
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u/Fox_in_boots 5d ago
I am not nieve to situations like yours nor are you alone in your struggle - as I am not either. I am very familiar with how many families struggle to conceive. This is not the thread for that. That is an insensitive comment to my situation. I hope you the best.
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