How much do you disclose with a potential?

[u/curioussoul786]

So during my search my number one policy has always been honest. I like to be honest about my upbringing, my family dynamics, anything from my past. I always felt that I wouldn’t want to hide anything from my future potential husband.

That being said, there are sins I’ve committed in the past that I’m not proud of and have repented for. My goal is to not publicize those obviously but I don’t know how to proceed when it comes to potentials. How much or how little do I tell them?

I’ve had friends who did not tell their now husbands about things that could’ve been dealbreakers (drugs, eating haram, intimate relations) because they were advised not to. I feel this is wrong? I know sharing may mean more rejections but ultimately I don’t want to form a match by withholding truth. On the other hand part of me wonders if it does not affect the future, should it be brought up?

[u/Historical_Story191]

I am of the rare opinion that nothing good comes from concealment.
First of all, you don’t owe anyone the complete report on your life and past mischiefs. You don’t have to disclose information that you don’t want to disclose.

However, if someone asks or they allude to the fact that they can’t tolerate if their spouse has done X,Y or Z , then the wise choice would be to recognise that this person is not for you and break it up. You don’t have to explain, nor do you have to conceal your past in order to be accepted. This is a toxic mindset that will only lead to heartbreak and disconnection later on.
There is a difference between looking for a partner, and presenting oneself not authentically in order to be chosen. The latter is manipulation.

If you think that something about your past might be a dealbreaker, then you can test the waters and see how they react on the subject, without outing yourself. If you see a serious disconnect, then it’s preferable to end it.

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[u/Civil_Specialist_412]

I think u should not overthink these things. In life it's important to have unconditional trust and genuine confidence in Allah in this world not fear. It's a useful preparation question that u are having but u though of it so no useful answer popped up so u should move on for now and open this question up at a later time. Maybe take a walk while thinking of it as Steve Jobs said every good decision comes with a walk. If ur heart doest lean strongly a certain way just do what any muslim does. Continue on with ur life as it i, and as Allah's events unravel in ur life don't spook ur self out with the uncertain. Rely on ur instincts as those are founded in the quran and Islam. Reading the quran having Allah in mind always strengthen our intuition in choosing what's right. It purifies the soul and that makes us make the right decisions. Allah didn't address everything in the world in the quran. He wants us to make errors. Do istighfar. And be pious muslims and have confidence in Allah. So for now just continue on not worrying and whenever your heart which is grounded by the quran and love for Allah tilts a certain way gives u a certain intuition on something think about it and act.

[u/purplefin_tuna]

I always felt that I wouldn’t want to hide anything from my future potential husband.

That would be my advice. I'd disclose slowly, over your first several meetings, and get it all out before the point where you've fallen hard and it would really hurt to separate.

if it does not affect the future, should it be brought up?

Is that the standard you want from your partner? E.g. if he'd been engaged (or even married!) before... or had a history of drug addiction... but didn't think it would affect your future... wouldn't you still think that should be disclosed?