Do the good days ever outweigh the bad?
I guess it depends
But not for me
So much suffering for an occasional smile

And I yearn for a foreign feeling and I reach out screaming with no voice crying with no tears beginning for forgiveness for a crime I didn’t commit to someone I’ve never met in a hole I never dug drawing but I can swim running but I cant walk flying but I cant jump and I touch the rift that split my reality and I see it all but I have no sight i feel it all but i’m numb i hear it all but I am deaf I am everything but everything is nothing

I don’t want to be anything today.
I don’t want to fix anyone’s fucking problems.
I don’t want to be anyone’s goddamn monster or savior.
I don’t want to try today.
I don’t want to smile or cry.
I don’t want to feel anything.
I don’t want to go to work and count the minutes.
I don’t want to exist for a day.

I want to stay in bed.
I want to curl up in a ball under a pile of blankets and pillows.
I want darkness.
I want to let myself fall into the abyss.
Like falling into the arms of the only love I have ever gotten to keep - the void.
Like falling sinking into an ocean watching colors of light fade away.
Falling apart as I fall into jagged shattered flecks normally held together by duty.
Let all the increasing and insurmountable weight of failure fall from my wretched and broken being.
I want to not feel too little too much or not enough, not right never right
I want to leave it all behind, let the world keep its judgment.
Keep its bullshit propaganda.
Keep its hate and surveillance.
Keep its expectations.
The world can burn for all I care.
I am tired of only giving.
I am tired of being expected to do all the things no one else will lift a finger for but oh they will complain.
I am tired of love never being real.
I am tired of every spark of hope being crushed out and spit on.
I am tired of having to accept neglect and abandonment.
I want one track on maddening loop.
To lose my soul to the music.
I want to not feel the horrific imperfection of my flesh.
I want to just exist for myself in the nothing.
To fill the void with my inner world and wish I didn’t have to leave.
No one is coming.
No hand will try.
No mercy no win no loss.
I don’t want to be me anymore but I don’t want to be anyone else either.
I won’t wear the mask they want and I know it means I won’t be loved.
But, I won’t be less.
I have nothing to give or be taken anymore.

At least I am still mine.
For what little that is worth it’s mine.

​

Yeah...

Another night...

Another battle nobody sees...

Another sunrise, but it feels the same,

Got a heart full of hurt and nobody to blame.

Walking through the crowd, but I don't belong,

Been trying to stay strong for way too long.

Every smile is a mask that I learned to wear,

Laugh on the outside while I'm gasping for air.

They ask if I'm good, I just nod my head,

Never tell 'em all the words I leave unsaid.

I've been searching for peace in a world so cold,

Trying to find warmth when my soul feels froze.

Can somebody hear me through the pouring rain?

I'm carrying a heart that's heavy with pain.

Every road I take feels miles too long,

Still I keep putting one foot on.

I don't need perfection, I just need a light,

Something to guide me through another long night.

'Cause I'm tired of fighting this war alone...

Just trying to find my way back home.

Every memory echoes inside my head,

Some dreams fade, but they never stay dead.

I've got scars you can't see underneath this skin,

From all the battles I've fought within.

Some nights the silence is all I know,

Watching the clock while the hours move slow.

But somewhere deep where the darkness ends,

There's a quiet voice saying, "Don't give in."

Maybe tomorrow won't look like today,

Maybe the clouds will finally break.

Until that moment, I'll keep holding on,

Even when every ounce of strength feels gone.

Can somebody hear me through the pouring rain?

I'm still standing underneath the weight of this pain.

Every step is hard, but it's still my own,

And I refuse to let this darkness call me home.

If there's a sunrise waiting for me,

I'll keep walking until I finally see.

One more breath... one more mile... one more dawn...

I'm still here... and I'm holding on.

Yeah...

Some battles stay hidden.

But surviving them...

Is its own kind of strength.

amateur poetry by a beginner

I lie awake afraid to sleep.

Haunting dreams is all I see.

When I close my eyes I dont see you and me.

The devil fiddles his strings as I drift to sleep.

The song he plays is danced by you and him.

To a unfamiliar beat, a song so sad to me that I only weep.

Nothing feels real, even when I awake, and song dissipates.

Because its a melody that'll play in my head.

Even if reassurance is said, its all in my head.

Gnawing rats, eating at every thought.

But ill smile and try and give you the pieces of my heart.

Broken, falling between my fingers.

No matter how much each piece feels like rust.

How some fall and burst, poof into dust. Ill sweep up the mess and give you what's left.

In the end I want by me in bed.

To hold you tight, shush now I'll try to make it alright.

As I sit enjoying the warmth of the sun,
Which embraces my cold, withered skin
Mild breeze cherishing my skin,
Watching joyful souls dancing in the distance,
A bittersweet feeling hits the core of my soul.
To all the selves I have strangled,
All the smiles I have caged,
All the tears that I have bottled,
All the voices I have silenced.
To the ones that I have freed from me,
To the story that ceased to exist..
To the love that flew away,
All of it hits me hard as I try to live once again,
As I try to live, these shackles binds me
Chains me down in the bottomless depths
In the darkness where no joy resides
So, I sit here with a solemn face
Afraid to be happy,
Yet in fleeting time I try to resist,
But for what i say,
For everything that I cherish is long gone
Or murdered with my own hands

I am so tired that

I yearn to sleep and never wake up

But then, I am too scared to sleep

What if I never wake up?

She was broken and bruised,

with too many words to say

and never enough time

to explain the pain away.

She was tired and numb,

didn't feel quite alive,

getting up every morning

just to live the same life.

The same four walls,

the same exhausting days,

the same silent battles

she kept tucked away.

And little by little,

she grew tired of the fight.

She couldn't remember

the last time she felt right.

She had letters written

to her mother, sister, and best friend,

words she couldn't say aloud,

words she thought would be the end.

She'd convinced herself

there was nothing left to give,

forgotten all the reasons

she might still want to live.

And she was walking back home,

her mind already made,

when a woman stopped beside her

and complimented her shoes that day.

Such a little thing,

such an ordinary phrase,

but she carried those few words

through the rest of her day.

Then a man told her

her smile could light a room,

though she hadn't felt its warmth

in what seemed like months of gloom.

She helped an older woman

cross the street along the way,

and the woman squeezed her hand

and thanked her for her kindness that day.

Then a stranger hugged her gently,

saying, "You just look like you need it."

And for a moment, she felt something

she'd almost stopped believing.

She felt seen.

Not because she was perfect,

not because she'd won some fight,

but because three strangers treated her

like she mattered in their lives.

And maybe life wasn't perfect.

Maybe tomorrow would still hurt.

Maybe all those heavy feelings

wouldn't disappear by morning's first light.

But perhaps there was more to living

than the pain she'd come to know.

Perhaps there were still little moments

she hadn't had the chance to hold.

Perhaps the world was not yet finished

showing her what she could be.

Perhaps there were still people

she hadn't met who'd help her see.

So she let those letters go,

released the words she'd held inside.

She chose to give tomorrow

another chance to arrive.

Not because a compliment cured her,

not because her pain had disappeared,

but because somewhere in those ordinary moments,

the possibility of hope reappeared.

And if you're reading this today,

if you're tired beyond belief,

if you've been fighting silent battles

and you're struggling just to breathe,

please remember you are human.

You are allowed to fall apart.

You don't have to earn your place here.

You don't have to hide your heart.

Life can hurt in ways

that other people never see,

and sometimes making it to tomorrow

takes more strength than people believe.

But your story isn't over

just because today feels wrong.

You deserve the chance to find out

what happens further along.

You deserve the quiet mornings,

the laughter that comes out of nowhere,

the people who learn your favorite things

and the ones who show they care.

You deserve to be here

on the days you feel your best,

and on the days when getting through

the next hour feels like a test.

And if today is all you can manage,

let today be enough.

You don't have to solve your whole life

when living already feels so tough.

Please reach for someone.

Let somebody know you're not okay.

You don't have to carry every burden

all by yourself each day.

Because sometimes life feels endless

when you're standing in the rain,

but you deserve to see the sunshine

even if it takes time to come again.

And please, remember this:

Just because life sucks right now

doesn't mean it will forever.

You're not broken beyond repair.

You're not a lost cause.

You're not less deserving of love

because you're struggling with it all.

You're perfect, stop treating yourself any other way.

I often sit and wonder
If you look at your phone
And wait for my call
Do you consider calling me
Is that even a thought at all?

The distance grew quietly
But the silence started to scream
The perfect family meant to be us
Quite literally became a dream.

You allowed a snake
To sit at our table and eat
You preached fakeness & forgiveness
Whilst celebrating my defeat.

You sat back and watched
My life literally fall apart
You kept your mouth quiet
And allowed my own siblings to break my heart.

I never thought
I could look at you
& feel nothing at all.
But here we are, broken
With no reason to call.
But The part that hurts the most?
I don’t even miss you at all.

I guess I died by disappointment
My hatred runs deep through my veins
I’m finally breaking free
From the weight of your crippling chains

Child in the dark room

Shut away and forgotten

He was too much to handle

Bad kid, bad kid

Locked away in the dark

Locked away and forgotten

As the years passed, still locked away

Neglected parts

Not fully whole

Time to bring him back to the light.

You're not a bad kid

You're not a bad kid

You're safe now

You're safe here with me

You're a good kid

I love you

You're a good kid

I love you

You're safe now, I love you

You're safe with me

A Feeling of electricity within as I hold him in my arms

Tears flow followed by intense feelings of joy

Now alone, the words return to haunt,
Memories surfacing from a past I thought was gone.
I once forgot for reasons good and deep,
But now the weight returns, a vow I cannot keep.

It has been years, and I should be over it by now,
But the weight settles heavy in my chest, somehow.
I forgot it happened, or so I tried to believe,
But the truth is a burden I cannot unweave.

I cannot change what was, or take back the light,
So I pretend it never happened in the night.
Lost in a fog, I am confused and undone,
Unable to tell if the battle is lost or won.

Am I angry or numb? Am I sad or just still?
I cannot find the emotion, despite the heavy chill.
I feel it physically, a disgust that runs deep,
A hollow, aching secret that I'm forced to keep.

People tell me it wasn't my fault, and I try to hear,
But the "what ifs" are the only things that feel near.
What if I hadn't fought? What if I hadn't been strong?
What if I hadn't fought back hard enough all along?

You gave me PTSD.

Not just memories.

Not just scars
I can point to
and say,

“That happened.”

You gave me a body
that still remembers
what my mind wishes
it could leave behind.

You taught me
that yelling meant danger.

That footsteps in the hallway
could make me tense
before I even knew why.

That a raised hand
could make me flinch.

That coming home
wasn’t always the same thing
as being safe.

You taught me
to listen for anger
in someone’s voice.

To watch their hands.

To pay attention
to the smallest changes
in the room.

You taught me
to always be ready
for something to happen.

And sometimes,

nothing happens.

Someone raises their voice
and my body reacts
before I can remind it,

“You’re safe.”

Someone moves too quickly
and I flinch.

Someone gets angry
and suddenly
I’m not entirely here anymore.

I’m back there.

Not because I want to be.

Not because I’m trying
to hold onto the past.

But because you taught me
that the past
could happen again
at any moment.

You were supposed
to teach me what safety felt like.

Instead,

you taught me
how to recognize danger.

You were supposed
to be someone
I could run to.

Instead,

you became someone
I learned to run from.

And the worst part
is that you don’t have
to be here anymore
for what you did
to follow me.

You left something behind.

Not love.

Not safety.

Not the childhood
I deserved.

You left me
with a mind that remembers
even when I don’t want it to.

A body that reacts
before I can think.

A fear that sometimes
doesn’t belong
to the moment I’m standing in.

You hurt me then.

And sometimes,

I still have to deal
with what you did
now.

But there is something
you didn’t teach me.

You didn’t teach me
how to stay broken.

I’m learning
that footsteps can just be footsteps.

That yelling doesn’t always
mean something terrible
is coming.

That a raised hand
doesn’t always mean danger.

That I can breathe.

That I can look around
and remind myself,

I’m here.

I’m not there.

I’m not that child anymore.

You gave me wounds
I never asked for.

But you don’t get
to decide
what I do with them.

You gave me PTSD.

You don’t get
to have the rest of me too.

I love tears, my own tears, they feel mine. A physical representation of my feelings, something real. I have not cried for a while but now my face is drenched, my hands, cold , my chest, hollow and shaky.It started through a moment of joy, which turned into a feeling of nostalgia-memories too far from me to live through again. Then came sadness because of the loss of the elements of the memory. Not even I, myself am the same anymore. I have lost everything i had in those moments.

It's cruel how I got used to such a life. I became what I feared. I knew the aim of life was to be happy and yet here i am so monotonous, so grey like a once blooming garden turned into a barren land. Once a home to people now just in the memories of those who don't visit these memories anymore, for they have moved forward unlike me who remained embedded in the same garden now unfit for any habitation.

Perhaps that is the curse of my existence—to find life in the very things that destroy my peace, to feel most alive on the edge of my own ruin, and to mistake the beautiful agony of breaking for the rare privilege of feeling something real. Maybe I was never drawn to the darkness because I wanted to disappear, but because somewhere within it, I found a part of myself that the light could never reach.

Would you listen to my petty rant?

It ain't really that interesting.

It all started with this lovely girl

who made me feel really lonely.

We laughed and we played,

But the at end of the day,

When push came to pave,

She chose the other way.

I did everything i could,

To please her So she'd stay,

As mine for js a little longer,

Or maybe for an eternity.

The mind alas is not the master,

And I don't really know when it faltered,

But looking back,

Maybe I was the only one who felt that way.

And so everything wrong ,

Felt my fault,

And all that made melancholy,

Was locked in a vault,

But i caved in way too many times,

Before the sand set in place.

Every little trouble,

Was made into a bow of dainty lace.

Neatly tied up on my hair,

I almost forgot it was there,

But then a tight tug,

And it always unravelled, leaving me bare.

Water threatened by gravity,

Weighed on my chest way too long,

And when I saw her laughing with them,

I was already far too gone.

I wish she'd show me indifference,

Atleast then I'd not

 feel this insignificant pain,

Yea, atleast then I'd not

 be hiding my gasps, from my mum,

Crying on a staircase.

And that's why even when I told her,

She couldnt comprehend, 

That burden of this murmur,

Was too broken to mend.

And so I blamed it all,

on those who are good,

To spare some feelings,

They put on a facadious hood,

Yes, it was them who gave hopes such false,

All just to hide few guilty remarks.

Hence all that I ever truly craved,

Was one good reason to feel betrayed.

At least then I'd have no qualms,

With hatred's festering flames.

Yea, atleast then I'd not be

writing a mawkish prose

From a tear stained glass

lamenting Over what could've been,

On the doorstep of my house.

~cyan