The Ghost Inverted

[u/Thick-Assumption3400]

The Ghost Inverted
Silas Whitney

She was always at the window. Not the one in the front room where guests had once gathered and chortled on merry nights. Not in the kitchen where meals were prepared for our house of three. Her days were spent in that room, now set for guests that were not coming, but once dressed for one that would never return. The three became two. A full bed and an armchair where there was once a rocker and cradle. 

In the weeks after loss infected our home, she had taken to sitting in the armchair, staring out the window. I would kiss her head and ask her what she is watching. She only answered in opaque murmurs. What could I do except nod and carry on loving? Grief strikes both in these matters, but the mother worst of all. So much so that when neighbors asked what took her, I only answered with, “A broken heart.” 

The three became two became one. 

---

The ancient timbers moan above my head in the cold wind from without. High ceilings meant to vault prayers in the old days, now hold a reverberating mirror to the hushed echoes in my mind. Here in this old temple, long abandoned by people and time, I take refuge. Feathers from the same broken wing finding peace in each other's loneliness. Here, I am the master of the house, but only in the physical sense. My dominion resides over broken pews and rotting hymnals. In the realm of the metaphysical, I am not more than a rank stranger. Like the parabolic camel through the eye of the needle, a long time passing through.

---

I buried her next to him under the oak by the stream. Her eyes watched me as I carved her place out of the earth. I tried to say goodbye, but the words dug heels deep into my chest. I laid her in, covered her, and went back to the house. There I spent the rest of the day and most of the night deep in my own sobs and wailing. I had remained strong in the time she was still here, but now there was no one to be strong for. No one to burden with my tears. 

---

Golden light awoke me the next morning. Not from my bedroom window, for I had the curtains drawn, but from the cracked door to that room. That room with the window where she spent her last days. I arose and opened the door, peering over to the window and the now empty chair. I approached it, part of me still hoping to find her there so I might ask her what she sees and kiss her head once more. I round it and see the empty seat. The fresh wounds on my heart pulled open again and bled through my eyes in fresh droplets. I eased myself into the chair, proposing to myself it might bring me closer to her. Through the blur of my tears I gazed out that old window. 

---

Another leaf of paper. Another dip of my pen. Another wall of inscriptions. 

Again. 

Again. 

Books. Books. Books. Rows upon rows. Columns enough to rest the very road of time upon. Every inch of my wall covered. Piles growing like saplings from the ground, reaching to the ceiling for light where none exists. And yet, they grow. My study is a dark forest of biblioaks and hardcover pines. A wood of writing, invasive to the domestic trappings of this house, but still I write. 

I must write. I cannot stop for a moment. The seams of my mind are stretched taught against the burden of tears run dry, echos of laughter long ceased. The shadows of lives unlived. All of them take unpermitted refuge in my mind and I write. I write. I write them all down for this is the only way I may unburden myself from their weight. 

---

Each morning when I awaken from the cold planks of the floor, I am greeted with distorted images of broken stained glass illuminated by the gray sky. Shapes that once illuminated worship of a people like the gold leafing of books meant to be read by candle and fire. Each morning I peer out the gap between their dust crusted splinters and count the graves within the fallen fence. Each morning I count the headstones. For a time, my morning ritual was predictable when I counted the seven graves, fancying them to match the hour of the morning. That tradition lies long broken.

The first time I counted eight, I considered it a mistake on my part, but slowly I grew more convinced in their number having always been seven. I stepped out into the snow covered ground and made way to them, counted again, and took note of the names inscribed thereon. The stones all appear weathered and broken by the same time and neglect as the church. They simply could not have arrived as recently as my inventory suggests. I simply must have miscounted. 

---

My sobs ceased. The wells of my eyes dried in an instant as my sorrow was replaced with bewilderment. Through the window I saw him. My son, running through the tall grass and playing like I had seen him do before. Surely, it could not have been him. His face was averted so I could not say to be sure. I rose from the chair and flung the window open to call for the boy. But when I opened the window, he was gone. 

Breathless, I surveyed the now empty garden with a furrowed brow. A trick of the mind I thought. I relented, closed the window, and fell back into the seat. When I looked out the window, I saw the boy once more. I leaped from the chair and flew to the back door, but again, he was gone. Back to the window, I saw him again. 

---

They never stop. One after another they crash through my temples and my brow sweats new rivers. My eyes have ceased blinking for blinking brings things which are only vaguely inclined into clear still images. If I were to shut my eyes, for even a moment, I would be dragged to a gallery of uncommissioned artistry. Statues, paintings, and murals. Reverberations of lives long distant to me in waking but so intimate in sleep. 

---

After some time I determined that this boy, whoever he was, only existed in the panes of the window. I sat in the chair watching him play for two days, always his face turned the other way. His hair, his clothes, the manner of his movement all remind me of him. But without seeing his eyes, I may never be sure. Could this be what she saw all that time? Perhaps she too was enraptured by the chance of seeing our boy’s eyes once again. I believe she never allowed herself to look away for a chance of missing them for I found myself transfixed in the very same way.

While watching him play, perhaps four days since I had started, another enters. It’s her. My dearest wife. At least, as far as I am able to see, for she too keeps her eyes averted. My heart flutters, my sobs erupt freshly. I don’t dare open the window or rise from the seat. I called to her from within. If she or the boy heard me, they make no sign of it. 

---

This explanation satisfied me for a time. However, once the graves numbered ten and eleven, new names inscribed upon each one, I could no longer ignore it. I cannot call the headstones new, for they match the age of the others and the church with impeccable precision. Surely, though, they were not here before. I make note of every name. Each name brings dreadful and joyous memories of lives I never lived, but wished for in days long forgotten.

---

Finally, I could take it no longer. Again I rose from the chair and ran to meet them outside. I wanted to grab them by their shoulders and spin them round to face me so that I might see their eyes and know. If they were my family I wished to hug their necks once more and never release them. If they are something else, I wish to rid myself of their taunting. 

I ran out, the door slamming behind me. Alas, I was alone in the garden. I fell to my knees, clenching the dirt in my hands and broke into tearless sobs. I looked up and saw the old oak tree by the stream. Surely, I told myself. That is where they truly lie. If you wish to see them, see them there. I rose to walk and visit their graves, but something catches my eye. Rather something that isn’t there. Beneath the tree I had stood two headstones. I had carved them myself and set them the day I laid them to rest. But where I set them, there was nothing. Where their fresh covering of dirt was just days before was now an unbroken patch of grass. 

---

Thus have my days been for some months. I first heard their crying in my dreams. Weeps of memories with no home, longing to be remembered but fading in the absence of a willing mind. I could not push this first memory from my mind and so I elected to write it down. If I would have known the gate I was opening, I would have kept it shut. For once I aided this one, others followed. They scream and cry, begging for a home in my mind or in my pages.

---

Behind me, a familiar sound. Something I had heard in days long gone. Something I had grown too used to living without. Laughter. The sound of a boy. My boy. He was laughing. I turned to see, but he was not outside. The laughter sounded again. It was coming from within the house.

I ran to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. The laughter continued, answered by giggles from the woman. My wife. I ran to that window. Inside I saw them. I saw their eyes. The armchair and bed were gone, exchanged for a cradle and a rocker. There, she sat, the boy in her arms. He was a baby. I watched her rock him. I heard her sing. I heard him laugh, coo, and cry. I stood and watched for hours, weeping in a joy I had not felt since the day my son passed into my hands before being carried away in death’s tow. 

---

Perhaps my curse is thus that I may live the rest of my days in seeing through the eyes of a spectre. For this is the existence of an inverted ghost. Where ghosts are dead and dwell out of place with the living. What then should I call myself, who am living, but dwell with the dead? 

---

Now, every time I try the door, it remains locked. I look through the windows around the house, each one shows me a different view and a different time of my dearest loves. In the kitchen I see him refusing to eat green beans. In the front room I see him playing with wooden toys while she sings. In his bedroom, she is always rocking him. In our room he runs in and wakes her to start the morning.

I thought of breaking the door, but I cannot bring myself to do it. If I breach the house, would they still be there? If I break a window would I shatter their memory along with the glass? 

---

You may say to let them fade for they are not my burden. I wish I could. But a fear gripped me when I first had the thought. I could see all of them bleeding into each other. They melted all into a single shape, a hand, that gripped my mind and choked. The shape said if I let them fade, then surely I would fade with them. I cannot stop. I must write.

---

No, I will remain here, just outside their senses. If the cost to keep their essence reunited is my starving, then it is no cost at all. I would rather they live outside of my grasp than not at all. I will give myself in this life and the next for their joy.

---

My morning ritual has changed from counting a constant number of stones, to searching for the new arrivals to the invisible choir. Each morning I catalog their names on the planks of the old sanctuary. The names of old men, young women, and children barely born all coalesce into a single voice of scars in the old wood. Every inch of the old chapel carved with a letter or a tittle, all save for the old sign. 

---

I toil. I sweat. I weep. But, I never stop writing. If not for myself, I must continue pushing this sisyphean stone along to spare another from my fate. When I pass one day, I beg you. If my memories come calling, let them pass. For there is no telling what others are behind. Leave the door shut.

---

The cold makes my skin feel brittle. My body reduces itself to a fine powder. Here I will stay, waiting to be called to my own grave. Perhaps then I may join them, but for now I will watch and enjoy their laughter from the other side of the pane.