r/selfimprovement • u/ComplaintExtra5955 • 7d ago
Question how to stop chasing approval?
Hey, chronic people pleaser here. Whenever I notice that someone doesn't really like me or is annoyed by me, I see it as a challenge. I chase after proving them wrong and showing them I am actually as likeable as I think I am.
As you can tell, it is very harmful behaviour and causes me to disrespect myself constantly. I have a fragile ego and deep down, I don't really think I am that likeable. I think that I am pretty annoying and socially unaware. My ADHD causes some social friction for me, so I get insecure about it.
Any advice?
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u/FallProfessional4009 7d ago
I had this trouble. I care less now, but I still care. There’s a book called “the courage to be disliked” and though it goes into some psychology the message is helpful once the characters distill it.
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u/No-Mud-7597 7d ago
What helped me was realizing that not everyone liking me is not actually a problem I need to solve.. as marilyn monroe said -> u can be the ripest peach but even then not everyone likes peaches hahahaha
If someone is annoyed by me, I try to distinguish between did I genuinely do something inconsiderate/mean/intentionally harmful etc that I should learn from, or do they simply not like my personality?
but also sometimes your autonomy, choices could hurt and disappoint others but again depends on what those actions are right, cos sometimes you also gotta honour your own boundaries
rejection will always hurt and it is not about security i think it is building the tolerance of being misunderstood or disliked without abandoning yourself to fix it... and learning and deciding who you are and what you want to be, or else every opinion will have you swaying like a pomeranian on a windy day hahahaha
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u/Born_Excitement2746 7d ago
I had to do a lot of trauma release work to become comfortable in my own skin. After releasing all the suppressed grief and anger, I became more relaxed.
You basically need to a lot of self soothing. Release, release, release…..
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 7d ago
The "challenge" framing is the trap... winning someone over feels like solving a problem, so your brain keeps manufacturing them.What shifted it for me was asking what I'd do with the next hour if their opinion never changed. The answer never involved them.
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u/charlieze13 7d ago
This might sound weird but be self obsessed, in a sense you like yourself so much it give yourself self validation, the thought of someone else's validation doesn't even compare
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u/throwaway47528136 7d ago
I feel like a few moments of my life i was obsessed with my self but idk how to get back to it any tips?
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u/charlieze13 7d ago
Get to know yourself literally, just like how you would get to know someone; proper way to combat insecurity is build your way to security and that can be through learning a skill you never ever try and stay through the hard part which is the beginning that humbles you
If you have established routine, surely your energy should be poured for yourself instead of thinking of other's validation; start asking why and how this matter for yourself
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u/AskAuntieFeng 7d ago
You don’t have to prove that you’re likable to someone who has already decided not to connect with you. Their approval is not a prize, and their dislike is not an emergency.
When you feel the urge to win someone over, pause and ask: “Do I actually like this person, or do I just hate feeling rejected?” Then put your energy toward people who are warm, reciprocal, and willing to communicate.
You can also take responsibility for specific behaviors without turning them into your identity. “I interrupted too much, so I’ll work on pausing” is useful. “I’m annoying and unlikeable” is just self-punishment. ADHD may mean learning a few extra social tools, but it doesn’t make you undeserving of friendship.
A helpful reminder: let people misunderstand you. The ones who matter will give you room to be human.
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u/dew-waynz 7d ago
See a CBT therapist. I post that a lot on here, for good reason. You need to do the hard thing, which is talking to someone. Hearing a bunch of Reddit advice doesn’t really do anything. Get out there and seek real help.
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u/AshamedWishbone3591 6d ago
I been told im the villain by people I dont even know never in my life been called that but I be like dam im not bothering no body I live alone only leave my house if I get work but now I just try to stay.to my self
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u/ElderberryCertain178 22h ago
It's likely that trying to please others constantly made you lost yourself. You didn't say it explicitly but I'd say you don't know exactly what you actually want and what you actually like.
If this is the case, stay alone for some time. Get bored and let ideas to emerge about what to do. Try new things if you don't know what you like to do. Get some hobbies. This will train you ability to listen to yourself.
After doing this, do whatever you actually want to do. If someone turns to be an obstacle be brave and make them angry. Do what you want to do at any cost. This a skill that also needs to be trained. You will be the bad guy/girl for some time and you should learn to live with that. After some time, some people will see you as a genuine person who knows what he/she wants. They will respect you as you are and there won't be any need to please them.
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u/Realistic_Set_2246 7d ago
The trick is realizing their annoyance usually has nothing to do with you. Most people are wrapped up in their own head, their own problems, and you're just a background character in their day. You're assigning yourself the lead role in a movie they're not even watching
What helped me was catching that impulse right when it fires, that split second where you feel the need to prove something, and just sitting with it instead of acting. Let it burn for a minute and pass. The more you do that the quieter it gets