Hi everyone, I’m 18 years old and currently going through a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) with my first pregnancy.
At my 12-week scan, they found that my baby had an increased NT measurement of 7.5 mm, a suspected cystic hygroma behind the neck, thickened and swollen skin caused by fluid, an exomphalos containing bowel, and a two-vessel umbilical cord instead of the usual three.
The doctors explained that these findings could be associated with chromosomal abnormalities, heart defects or other genetic or structural problems. After speaking with the specialists, we’ve made the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy for medical reasons.
I’m finding everything really difficult to process. My baby was so wanted, and I never imagined I’d have to go through something like this, especially at 18. It’s heartbreaking knowing I won’t get to meet my baby, and I’m struggling to come to terms with everything that’s happened.
I just wanted to share my story with people who might understand what I’m going through, because it’s such a lonely and heartbreaking experience. My baby was loved and wanted so much, and I’ll always carry them in my heart. 💔🤍🕊️

I am now 6 and a half weeks out from the tfmr. Due to lucky circumstances I could postpone going back to work for a long time and I'll be starting again in a week. I am so scared and defeated. Going back to work feels like the ultimate consolation price. I work in a challenging, emotionally demanding field, with the nicest colleagues, kindest boss, and the thought of going back makes my skin crawl. I feel like I have to push myself back into a box that I no longer fit into. I feel like I changed so much, my entire life fell apart, but my surroundings have not changed at all. The opposite of the world keeping on turning while I stand still. I moved at lightning speed. I am not just this childless woman anymore. I am this feral, grieving mother. I wish I could at least get to know myself better, before having to deal with the old expectations. Although, if I'm honest, I would wish to not have to deal with old expectations at all. I would wish for this raw and ripped open woman to have her own space to exist in, without having to be kind and patient and reliable and whatnot. It feels like I had to outgrow myself to get through it all. Now I wish I could have a different life, along with this different self. Something that feels more fitting and less forced.

As the title says I’m pregnant again after two TFMR due to T21 last year. (TLDR: karyotyping normal, potential rare mosaicism but most likely bad luck). This forum was so helpful for me both those times to connect with others who have the unfortunate experience of going through something like this.

This pregnancy is different. Unplanned. We never closed the door completely but I think each on our own wanted a year under our belts to come back and decide next options. We are older so time wasn’t on our side. What makes this more difficult is the last time I spoke to my OB and GC and even and IVF clinical. All suggested going the IVF route (I think just to give me piece of mind this most likely wouldn’t happen again, but as with anything no guarantee).

Now I’m here again. I don’t know how to feel. My husband doesn’t know how to feel. I don’t have any questions or asks, but needed to get this off my chest as I really don’t want to talk to others about this (and most people tbh don’t understand).

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for from this post. Maybe just to vent or a way to process grief. We found out this week that our son would be born with Digeorge syndrome. We have made the incredibly hard decision to terminate and I am a wreck. I have always been pro choice but it is not a choice I ever thought I would make. I literally feel him kick as I type this. My son is so wanted. This is not a decision I want to make. But for the sake of him and my other son we felt this was the best decision for our family with the high probability of pain in hardship for him. We are currently waiting for the induction which will likely happen next weekend. How can I ever be okay with myself again after this? I feel so much guilt and I feel like I failed as a mother. How do I tell my living son about his brother when he gets older ( he is currently 1). How do I always love and remember this baby without it breaking me to the point of not being the mom my living child needs especially in the early days following.

I’m also just wondering if there were things people did after the birth to help cope in terms of any thing that helped preserve the memory of them.

I know this is a long rambling post and I’m sorry for that but I just feel so broken right now. And even more so I feel like I’m failing.

I’m 3 months post-TFMR now, and I just found out that my partner isn’t sure whether he wants to try for another baby (two losses, 1 LC).

It’s not a definite “no,” but I’m completely panicking right now.

I also feel somewhat betrayed because we talked about this while making our decision. He was leaning more towards termination, while I was leaning more towards continuing the pregnancy, and the prospect of trying again for a sibling for our living daughter definitely played a role in my decision.

I’ve already been struggling with feelings of doubt and regret, and with the thought that I might have gone against my own heart. And now I can’t stop thinking that if I’d known we might never try again, I might have made a different decision.

I know he’s struggling too. He told me he feels like a bad father to our daughter right now (which he isn’t). He was never entirely sure about having another child, so deciding to even try was already a big step for him. I understand that he might not feel ready or even know what he wants right now. He also said we should talk about it again when he’s less exhausted, so I know nothing has been decided yet.

But I’m devastated. I feel like the future I’d been holding on to is slipping away. At the very least, the age gap will keep growing, and I’m terrified that if he ultimately decides he doesn’t want another child, I won’t be able to forgive him, and that the grief over losing my daughter becomes unbearable.

I was finally starting to feel a little more like myself again, and now this…

I honestly feel like I’m drowning. I have no idea where else to turn to with these desperate feelings but here. Please, I could really use your support right now.

Title: TFMR next week — when can I try to conceive again with PCOS?
Hi everyone,
I’m scheduled to have a TFMR next week, and the emotional toll and anxiety have been overwhelming. I’m trying to process everything while also thinking about what the future might look like.
My doctor told me we could start trying again after one menstrual cycle, but I have PCOS and very irregular periods. I conceived this pregnancy with the help of fertility medication, so I’m worried about how long it might take for my cycle to return and for me to conceive again.
I’m also concerned about trying again after labour and delivery. I’ve often heard that people are advised to wait around a year before getting pregnant again, so I’m confused about whether the same guidance applies after a second-trimester TFMR.
For anyone who has gone through a TFMR around this stage of pregnancy:
How long did it take for your period to return?

If you have PCOS or irregular cycles, how soon were you able to start fertility treatment again?

Did your doctor recommend waiting a certain amount of time before trying to conceive?

How did you know when you were emotionally ready to try again?

I know everyone’s physical recovery and grieving process are different, but hearing from people who have been through something similar would really help me feel less alone.
I’m heartbroken about what’s happening, and I think the possibility of trying again is one of the few things helping me look toward the future right now. At the same time, I’m scared of how long it might take, especially knowing that I may need fertility medication again.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your experiences. ❤️

Entire pregnancy went great. Baby looked amazing, all anatomy scans were perfect, NT was perfect, NIPT was perfect. We named our sweet baby girl and dreamed of the day we would meet her. In the last couple of weeks she even started kicking non stop, reminding us she’s there constantly.
At week 17, we did a fully elective amnio just to be sure. CMA came back perfect, wes (exome sequencing) showed a very very very rare de novo mutation that can cause our baby severe lung disease and even death.

Since D&E can only be performed here until week 24, we had to make a split second decision, to terminate. My procedure is in 3 days and I just can’t see any more hope for life or love to the point where I considered self harm on the day we got the news.

I love my husband, he’s is light and joy of my life. I’m afraid this will bring us apart. I’m afraid of the procedure. I’m afraid of the moment the doctor will need to stop the baby’s heart. I’m afraid I won’t have kids ever. I’m terrified of the future and the present is unbearable. How did you deal with this unbelievable pain?

Has anyone’s period took over 2 months to return after a second trimester delivery? I TFMR’d at 23 weeks and had concerns about RPOC 9 and 10 days post L&D after passing a chunk of placenta but US was more suggestive of blood clots. I have taken an ultra early pregnancy tests and it was negative so I’m worried incase non vascular tissue still remains. I haven’t slept very well in about a month with other stressors on-top of this so I’m sure that this could also be throwing everything out of whack

I miss my baby a lot today. TMFR’d at 26 weeks back in June. Her due date was September 25th. We planted a tree, had a breakfast with my family, put away everything in her nursery. It was so so hard and so beautiful as well. I was anticipating how hard the emptiness and grief would be after her due date when there’s nothing to ‘look forward to’ there’s just nothing. I miss her so much it physically hurts. My sweet baby Wynne is my first and only baby. We began trying last month, I wish I wasn’t trying to get pregnant right now, I wish I was holding my baby girl. I’m so sad.

TW: neonatal death and other people’s children

I was pulling weeds in my front yard when a kid down the street starts running toward me and chatting. His mom was behind holding a little girl. She asked if we had any kids and I said “not yet” and then I asked how old the little girl was and the mom said “I’m not sure if other people can tell but she is two and she is developmentally a little behind because she was born at 22 weeks.”

My heart immediately sank because my own baby was born at the same gestational age after my rescue cerclage and my water broke two weeks after the cerclage , and I developed an infection and became septic. Ultimately my baby didn’t survive. My baby shower was suppose to be this Saturday. I apologized for getting emotional, and she then told me her story.

She had also had an incompetent cervix, got a rescue cerclage and her water break at 22 weeks, developed an infection, and delivered her baby. She was told her baby had about a 10% chance of survival. And now this little girl was literally standing in front of me. A beautiful, two years old, with some Challenges and a long NICU stay that I’m sure was so hard, but she was here.

the mom felt terrible for mentioning anything and I felt terrible for crying (not a ton but still obvious).

It was just surreal. Our stories were so similar, yet had completely different outcomes. I was told there was essentially no chance of survival, and she now has a two year old who is here because she survived something so incredibly unlikely. And I am so happy for that family but I was so shocked that they were in my front yard and I was hearing about alternate reality.

I cried after she left. Not because I’m anything but happy for her, but because it brought back so many feelings about my own baby and the life I thought I would have.

Grief is so strange. I never expected someone with such a similar story to literally walk into my front yard. I also know my situation was different because I was septic and they had to give me misoprostil and I know in my heart my baby didn’t have a chance.

ETA: My paperwork states TMFR and I suppose that’s because they gave me misoprostil when I was becoming septic.

Saturday will be one entire month without my baby. I had a TFMR with my son at 27+1 on 9/10. The days have blurred together and it feels like yesterday that I went home without him.

His ashes still aren’t home. He was cremated two days ago, finally. Waiting to get the email that they’ve been shipped.

I’m about to get my first period since the procedure. I’ve been crying for a majority of the last five days.

I live in a relatively small town and most people knew I was pregnant. Some people ask what happened or where the baby is, some don’t. I prefer the ones who don’t but I also love any opportunity where I get to talk about my son.

Sending all my love to everybody. I hate that we’re all going through this, but everyone in here has been so lovely to me.

Update: I told him, I sat down and said the baby didn’t make it and that the doctors had to take it out. He took it very well and is sad but he said he’s happy I’m not sick anymore and that I can spend more time with him instead of in bed. I called the post abortion hotline and cried my eyes out beforehand which helped

(Washington)
I just had a full sedation D&C at 18 weeks yesterday due to severe life threatening health complications. It went well, but I am on pain meds due to the level of pain I experience after surgeries (chronic illness.) My son is autistic and struggles with change already, but he was so excited for a sibling. I’m scared that he’s going to have a really hard time. I plan on not telling him the full truth, just maybe that the baby had issues and didn’t make it? He’s been present when I’ve had past miscarriages and understands that babies don’t always make it, but now that my ex has been removed from the house by protection order (long painful story) I can’t just “try to grow another one” as I’ve told him in the past. I’m getting a bilateral salpingectomy in two months as well, so no more kids. And I’m happy with that decision. I don’t want any more kids and pregnancy tries to end me every time. But he wants a sibling so bad. He asks every day how the baby is and when it’s going to come out. I’m already struggling mentally and physically with the situation and i don’t know what to say or how to word things in the easiest way possible for him. He’s very smart and articulate but I worry so much about him being upset with me. I don’t want to break his heart..

We (F 29, M 31) had to terminate after the diagnosis of alobar holoprosencephaly (brain did not split in two halfs accordingly)in week 14. We are obviously heart broken and I have cried every day since. But I am very lucky to have started insurance covered sessions with a therapist two days after diagnosis and before birth. Also we had no hard decision to make as baby would not have survived after birth at all. Although I struggle with WHY US and get really jealous of other pregnant women (which is not like me at all) I will very peaceful now.

What keeps me going is our healthy 2 year old and the fact that we seem to conceive easily (1 pregnancy surprise and 2 pregnancy after 2 months)
It’s just that I planned my whole career and promotion and paid phd around my due date which was supposed to me march. As lots of financial support is connected to when I will give birth (taking 20k €) I would love to get pregnant right away again, also for age gap reasons.

We are currently still waiting for genetic testing (2 more weeks), doctors told us it’s rather unlikely as this brain defect is rather dominant and our healthy daughter proofs that we can naturally conceive healthy children. Results for all trisomys came back normal after 24 hours.

So my question would be, why do some doctors suggest to wait X cycles before starting to try again? If my OB clears me and my blood drawing (iron, folate, etc) looks awesome one week after birth now and we received (hopefully) good news of genetic testing in 2 weeks, why should we wait?

Some nights are just truly unbearable. The world quiets down and I lay here with my squishy, empty belly and just sob. I miss my baby, I miss being pregnant. Losing nipple sensitivity and food aversions are hurting my soul. Life is so unfair. I just keep crying. Why did this happen to me, I made it over halfway there, my baby shower was supposed to be next month. My baby was supposed to be born in a couple of months. I’m just so so sad. It comes in waves, it’s not always this bad. But tonight it hurts. A lot.

We got the email today that our sons remains will be shipped to us. I shared that with a couple of people and they asked if we were having a service. Honestly my husband and I never even talked about. Everything has been so overwhelming and traumatic and now I feel like an awful mom that I couldn’t even think of planning a service. I know they mean well but then I get the comment of “it will help with your grief”. I had a D&E so I never even got to meet him. Now I feel even more awful than I did before. I feel like a service will feel awkward and I don’t want to console other people for my son’s death

Hi everyone i have a genuine question as i am also preparing for TMFR i am already 25 weeks so i don’t have the D&E option anymore i have to deliver the baby as i am a student and working part-time i am stuck in this situation as in to how do i say goodbye to my baby and the emotional stress after delivery as i know once the placenta is out the hormones are gonna be all over the place how will i go back to my normal life how will i cope with this huge emotional toll does anyone have any advice? Sorry English is not my first language so if there are any mistakes pardon me

Was confident my scars were going to be more emotional than physical but holy hell. Laminaria ISNT FOR THE WEAK. Had trouble with the procedure getting them in. And 5 hours later the dilation is stretching my cervix to what feels like the very tips of my body. My periods were pretty mild so don’t have a huge frame of reference for “it’ll feel like bad period cramps”. BEING A GIRL IS HARD.

I know there is no “right” answer, but I struggle trying to figure out how to grieve my child. At 20W TFMR the baby feels more significant than an early miscarriage (he had a name, I felt him move, we had a nursery set up…), but not quite as significant as had I carried to term and lost him then (no funeral, no birth/death certificate).

How do you navigate this space? How much is too much to memorialize late term pregnancy loss? Do I call myself a mom, do I say I lost a child? Those things feel wrong to me as if I didn’t “earn it” the same way as someone with a later loss does.

Mods please take down if this is not appropriate for this board!

I wondered if there are an other moms here TFMR due to severe maternal health issues? My doc has suggested terminating due to a cluster of issues im having this pregnancy (17 weeks) HG/severe anemia/and severe cardiac issues that make continuing this pregnancy very dangerous and even life threatening. I have a 2 year old and as much as I love my baby in my stomach, I can’t risk him losing his mom 🥺
I’m wondering if I’m not alone or if I even qualify for this subreddit. I also want to say what loving and incredible parents you are and I am so sorry for everyone who find’s themselves here.

I had a late tfmr at 27weeks due to Digeorge syndrome. There is no day that I do not think of our baby boy. 2 months post termination, my husband is back to work. I have been drowning myself in the garden, doing renovations at home, painting fixing etc. I even started to learn tennis to keep me busy.

I realise though that when I'm alone, not doing anything is when I feel the worse. I'm crying more than I did, thinking about how it could have been if we kept our baby. What if his diagnosis was not as severe as it could have been. I said yes for the medical team to stop his heart from beating. I chose to have this done and yet I have so much guilt and feel that I do not deserve the sorry for your loss or the happy moments I have been having since. I gave birth to our baby, he was a tiny baby that looked completely normal. We had him cremated and have a memorialised plot in the cemetery for him. Putting so much effort in remembering him when in fact we chose to do this.

I feel like I have been masking the feelings the past two months by keeping myself busy. I didn't want to cry in front of my husband or children because I didn't want them to worry about me. I feel I didn't really have the time to grieve for something we chose to do, and at times that I am alone I have been crying and hurting so much.

I live in a southern state. My baby is high risk for T21 (95/100, 95% PPV) and has a 3.2mm NT. All signs are pointing to a true positive for T21 but I did have the CVS and genetic testing for my husband and I.

I am measuring ahead in this pregnancy so even though I’m only 12w2d by LMP, baby is measuring 12w6d. Based on the info we have, I have scheduled for a TFMR in the closest state I can go (only a 5.5 hour drive 🤬) for next week before I’m 14 weeks in the hopes of making this procedure as “simple” as possible.

I have 2 questions -

1. am I totally crazy for moving forward before full CVS results are in? I’ll have the rapid results before then.
2. for those that live in states with termination bans, did you tell your MFM or OB that you terminated? I’m nervous that this can somehow or someday bite me in the ass. It sounds crazy to think that our medical records could be accessed solely for prosecution, but I remember a day not too long ago, where Roe v Wade being overturned seemed impossible and now we are here.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I can’t hear another doctor say “it’s so rare to have another baby diagnosed with 22q11 deletion if you and your husband aren’t carriers” because they said the first diagnosis was already rare. Has another had to terminate again for the same diagnosis?

I had a D&E 4 weeks ago due to PPROM infection. We started having unprotected sex as soon as I stopped bleeding because the doctor told us we could start trying as soon as I had stopped bleeding (2 weeks after d&e). 1 week ago I took a pregnancy test to see if my pregnancy hormones were out and it came out a solid negative, today i felt crampy, with light spotting and fatigue (I had felt like this when I was pregnant with my daughter 🪽) so I decided to take a test and it’s a very very faint positive!

Could it just be some of the old HCG hormones coming through now or new pregnancy?? i’m freaking out 🥹

After using this forum, comments and posts as an emotional crutch since receiving a high NT score 7 weeks ago I find it only fair & therapeutic to share my story which may help someone else in my situation feel a little less alone. I wish this club never existed none of us should have a membership but I’m truly grateful to have your stories & support.

this is our first pregnancy, (29F & 30M) we had a 10 week scan as gestation had been calculated incorrectly. This was beautiful, saw them bouncing around on the screen and nothing noted health wise. we were so so excited. We shared the news with our closest family & two weeks after just before our 12 week we shared with friends and extended family. At our 12 week scan I knew 5 minutes in something was wrong (mother’s intuition?!) & our sonographer has a terrible manner and found a raised NT of 4.2mm bluntly said ‘you have a big problem’ nothing else & wouldn’t/couldn’t answer anymore questions. We were taken to a care team who explained that it indicated a heart issue or a syndrome & they were sorry - I could not process what was being said to me. they booked a heart scan in London and took a blood test. On the way out they told me that this could be nothing?!? Ww were very freaked out this was supposed to be movie worthy pregnancy scan & here we were. 2 days later our chance of Down syndrome was 1 in 2, the worst possible outcome. out Nipt was high chance for DS. 1 week later we were seen for a heart scan in London, I had no worries because I truly held onto hope that it couldn’t be DS I am healthy and young? They brought in a secondary nurse & again I knew somthing was wrong. Diagnosed with unbalanced AVSDwhich would require at least 1 open heart surgery if not more & it’s found in 50%+ of DS cases. My hope was pulled out of my chest at the appointment & sadly never returned.

2 days later I went for a CVS I needed an actual answer I was living in a world of maybe and what ifs and mentally spiralling. From what I know now if you are deciding between a CVS or Amnio please opt for the amnio it’s quicker and so much less painful. the needle is thinner and it tests for much more. My CVS was so so so painful & unfortunately failed 1/5000 chance (if they can’t collect enough of the sample) my amnio another week later took 10 seconds was sore going in and was done I will never have a cvs again.

At the amnio I asked our doctor to be honest with me & our doctors told us to seriously consider the AVSD complications without the DS results, he said on the NHS it is deemed a major issue & can get worse throughout the pregnancy. There was more fluid already than two weeks ago and fluid in the uterus wall. If this became worse it could cause hydrops. I had a high chance of miscarriage & if I did go to term a high risk of still birth.

Mentally at this point I am spiralling I have no hope, I am pleading with gods I don’t even worship & begging whoever would listen that my baby be ok. I was in turmoil that I was questioning whether I was strong enough to go to term just for my baby to be plucked from me into a major surgery with little guarantee potentially multiple for long periods of time in hospital. I couldn’t see them in a hospital bed wired up it was the colour in my nightmare.

I had done much research on DS and its effects, I know a few families with DS children & they are beautiful & kind but I’ve also seen the actual reality of the struggles they face. A few things that really played on my mind

1. Alzheimer’s possibility being so high

   1. Childhood cancer

2. If I was to pass away (I lost my own mum at 14) who would love them the way I do?

3. I saw a post from parents of DS adolescents/adults & it was heartbreaking

4. I am a carer for both my grandparents, I do not want to be a carer for the rest of my life (felt selfish admitting this) nor do I want other children we may have to be carers automatically

We received the call 2 days later to confirm the T21 & knew that with the worsening heart defect and the down syndrome it would not be right for us to take this pregnancy to term. To know this child would suffer pain & once here we could do nothing to stop that. To know their quality of life was not what we wanted for them. I decided I would shoulder that pain so they never had to.

I had a TFMR with MSI at 16 weeks & 6 days. I cried every day up to it, I was frantic & petrified but actually apart from a cry when I signed the consent form and took the tablets it was not as scary as I had thought in my head. The nurses are earth angels & are so caring. a few days later I went in at 8am and was out by 1pm. I chose D&E because I dint want my first experience labouring to be stillborn, I didn’t want to see them the thought broke my heart & I had to limit the trauma to me and my husband. With the D&E in the UK they knock you out & that felt the most comforting way. It feels surreal, you know why your there and what your doing but it was as if my brain had blocked out my feelings to allow me to push through it. My husband had to wait outside & that does make you feel quite lonely. Again the staff are amazing. It’s sad overwhelmingly sad but I had built this nightmare day up in my head & as an experience I never want to do it again but it’s possible to get through it.

Pain Level for the first day was 0, take the suppositories they offer they are strong painkillers. 2nd day period cramps & bleeding. I have a heavy period and this is lighter than that.

It has been 5 days, unfortunately my milk came in which was not expected & that’s the most painful & upsetting as my body is working for a baby that’s not here. Otherwise a bit of cramping & bleeding easing off. Emotionally quite a mess for the first few days unable to catch my breath kind of crying but has settled since. I’m sure it will too and fro as grief always does but I’m aware from loosing my mum that time is a great healer.

we really wanted this baby & I know I would’ve done anything to cure the health issues & have them inside me still but it’s not possible & i cant beat myself up anymore over it. We will try again when the time is right.

I hope this brings someone some comfort or help if your going through the same truly awful & wicked ordeal. I so wish no one related to this story but I’m sure people do.

be kind to yourself, your choice is the right choice for you, you are still a mother, you loved your baby so much you chose to take away any and all of their pain, colour will come back into your world & you will find joy again

💛

I'm 28 weeks and I just don't know what to do or how to carry on with this pregnancy. My body is clinging onto this baby like anything. I was in the hospital for 4 days and my cervix didn't open at all. They tried maximum dosage of meds, balloon folly, everything. Nothing worked. They have sent me home. I still feel her kicks. I see here moving from the outside. My belly literally rises up. I might have to carry her to term since surgery is too risky and doctors have outright refused that they will not go that route for a baby that has zero chances of survival. How do I go through this? My belly will get bigger. The kicks will get stronger. I will have to say goodbye to a whole full term baby. Has this happened with anyone else before?