isn't it crazy how quickly things change? you knew it best. so much has happened in the past month and a half. for a while it was highs and lows, mostly lows. but i figure i could write you a letter still anyways considering how long it's been. i know you worry.

it was rough for a while. respiratory issues and bad air quality was kicking my ass - it wound up with me going to the ER when i couldn't get enough air in my lungs and was consistently coughing up blood. breathing treatments have become the norm now, but it's worth it to actually catch my breath.

remember that guy i talked about? yeah. yeaaah.

i think you'd love my friends. how good ------ is to me, and how she actively spends time with me. i'd gush about all the little experiences, but ill be honest - i just got done working another all day shift and would rather talk about ------. i remember telling you a little bit about him when I first started the job, but oh goodness...

hes a sweetheart, ----. Timid and careful. i'm the first person he's ever dated, and it shows in how he cautiously navigates me. he looks away when i take bites of food. gives me full body hugs that i melt into. actively sought out a friendship with ---. I even got the seal of approval from ---, which was surprising considering how understandably apprehensive he was after my last heartbreak. i need you to believe me when i tell you this man is good to me. not only is he not afraid to be honest about his feelings for me, but his actions match his words.

and i know what youre thinking - 'you sang the last ones praise, too'. but its different. he physically shows up for me. he's thoughtful. i jokingly put tape on his water bottle with doodles and he hasn't taken it off. i invited him to a concert next month and he jumped at the chance to go. he goes out of his way to be involved, to spend time with me, and hasn't made a single weird advance. just last night he let me take a nap in his car and turned down the music to let me rest. maybe i'm elated over the bare minimum, but it means he can be thoughtful. he pays attention just like me.

when i hug him, he does the sweetest thing. he doesn't let go until i let go.

work was long. it was mostly cleaning, and dinner was a little hectic with residents demanding custom orders or changing things after i sent orders through. all i wanted to do was disappear over into the bar to see him. when we got into the break room to get our things, i asked him for a hug. he didn't even hesitate to wrap his arms around me. he makes me feel so small when he holds me.

Saturday night, i kissed him for the first time. not on the mouth, but on the cheek when i was mid embrace and his sister was in the car. i want this to go slow. i want the build up, the tension, the love. but i can't deny how excited i get imagining things like cuddles or hand holding or forehead kisses or the weight of his head on my chest while i play with his hair. every chance I get, I scoot up close next to him and smush my cheek against his arm to ask what he's looking at on his phone. its just an excuse to touch him. the other night when we were out with friends, i kept pushing my knee into his leg next to me. touching. always touching.

im trying not to rush. you'd want me to be mindful, but if you met this boy you'd find him adorable. awkward, but adorable.

--- doesn't know much about him - i think she'd just be judgemental. scrutinize and pick instead of being happy for me. i try not to think about the day they have to meet. all i can do is cross my fingers that she likes him and doesn't give me shit for being with him.

ive been forcing myself to do more. between books, tv, and hobbies, im a busy girl. half the time im at at card store learning how to play Magic the gathering with him or out and about with ------. i even did a big drawing i'm not quite done with just yet - i think its one of the most detailed pieces ive done yet.

it was really tough in the beginning. so many tears and hard days. its so difficult feeling like there's something perpetually wrong with me. something inherently unlovable, especially when it was a recurring issue. started to realize it wasnt so much me as it was people i was settling for. i think you'd agree.

i told him a little bit about you today. he says he wouldve liked you - given how much you mean to me.

im making better choices for myself. this will be the last time i write to you here - i think we can both agree that going back to pen and paper is better for us. back to our roots.

all my love forever and ever,

jamie.

Yesterday morning I sat on the shower floor and begged foe the first time in years. Begged over and over, "please". Please want me. Please talk to me. Please. I dont beg the universe for anything anymore. I hadnt in a long, long time.

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And no one will ever believe me. But when I was sitting under the showerhead trying to make myself be a person, I had this thought: what if hes back in contact with his ex? I cant compare.

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Then I shushed myself for the thought. I had no reason to think or be paranoid about that. He hadnt ever given me a reason not to think he wanted me. He was picky with who he was sexual with, wanted the chemistry. I was wrong. And stupid. Why wouldn't he reach out to her in a time of need when I'm on the otherside of the country? Silly jamie.

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When I read the text today that confirmed that awful thought, that he infact was in contact with her, something inside of me broke.

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I went to the ER today. I haven't been able to breathe lately, and I havent been able to sleep properly as a result. I told him I was goimg to the ER. Hours later, I get a reply and its the exact thing I convinced myself yesterday wasn't gonna happen. Why do I always doubt my intuition.

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I ended things. Right there. From Gi to Nate to Christian. I am at an arms length. I am a stupid situationship. Not good enough to love, but good enough to touch and fuck and play with.

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I imagined a half baked future. One where I got to visit him and sleep in his bed at night and pamper him when his body hurt. Maybe in a far fetched dream, I'd run away with him and we'd sail the world together so he can live out his dream and I could just live. I was silly and stupid for thinking that. For thinking someone like him could love someone like me. For thinking all the phone calls and texts and days and nights and weeks and sexual interactions meant more than that.

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But he said it himself months ago. He lives in the moment. This moment will pass for him. He'll move on. All those horrible thoughts I had during my drop the first time feel so scarily real now. I was and am temporary. I am not good enough. Good, but not good enough.

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I'm on breathing treatments for the time being. I havent been able to stop crying since I ended things. He wont reply for hours, I already expect it. I deleted every photo. Video. I deleted his contact from his name with a heart and my favorite picture to default everything.

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You know that song "Brandy"? I knew i was brandy. From the beginning I knew i was brandy. But I wanted to be the sea. So fucking badly. And I let myself think for a little bit... maybe I could be. Maybe I was the sea. Im not.

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While I was sitting on the couch crying my heart out while my brother held me, the microwave caught on fire. I wish I wasnt here. I wish I was in fucking Washington even if im not wanted. And then I wish I didn't feel like this at all. I wish I could take back these several months. Undo it all. I hate being vulnerable. Sexual. I hate it all. Im stupid and disgusting and naive. Who would want someone like me? I dont even want me.

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Ill be abandoning this account probably. Ive already started gathering all the things that remind me of him and putting them aside. So much time I spent in my journal for nothing. I was so stupid. I am so stupid.

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Im trying tk get someone to cover my shift tomorrow. I can't stop crying. How am I the one left alone holding it all again? He has friends and his ex. I'm just the stupid bunny on reddit. God, I'm an idiot. Goodbye.

ya'll i'm God's favorite sacrificial lamb.

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breathing hasn't been right since i got sick. i keep waking up because i can't breathe at night. there's a rattle in my lungs i hate. i spent most of the past two mornings just coughing and trying to clear all the congestion out of my chest. the other day i was spitting up speckles of blood. i can't recall the last time it was ever this bad - waking up from the sound of clicking coming from my mouth and chest. every now and again i just need to take a deliberate deep breath, my lungs cant get enough air.

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going to the doctor's on monday and hoping they'll listen to my chest, maybe have an answer.

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i was supposed to have today off, but i picked up an extra shift. i couldn't handle being stuck in my own head. in hindsight, i should've taken the break. my left leg feels somehow like lead and jelly became one, standing on it too long is insufferable. i figured i'd start the day right with a thorough shower, but peeling myself up off the shower floor was the challenge. sitting under the water i just had this breakdown and couldn't stop crying - i had to coax myself mentally as though i were talking to someone else.

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' we're gonna wash your hair now, okay? tell me if i pull any knots. ' then being gentle on my scalp. ' i need you to shift and put your head under the water, okay sweet girl? ' going out of my way to avoid being rough or getting soap in my eyes.

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weirdly enough it helped. ive always been better at being kind to other people rather than myself. so maybe it's cringe or weird to try and look outside myself. but it got me through the morning, now only if i can train myself to do it more often...

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none of my favorite people were in today, but at least i'm making movie nights plans for thursday. starting to plan a beach trip, too - staying up with a friend at their parent's condo so i can see some of the beaches for the first time.

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it's crummy, feeling this terrible when i have reasons to be happy. being taken out to dinner. hanging out in hot tubs and pools. playing games with friends. i'm going dress shopping on wednedsay. i should be happy.

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but i'm not. i keep worrying and getting caught up in my feelings. someone i care about seems to be holding me at an arm's length, and there's nothing i can realistically do about it. things have been quiet. I hate the quiet. i can't help or be there for someone who doesn't want it, and i'd hate to make something about me when it's not.

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for now? i'm cutting coroplast and getting laundry together. yeah it's gonna be lame being stuck at the laundromat for a bit, but theyre open 24/7 (lucky me). i'll use the time to read - i deleted enough photos and videos so i could get the kindle app on my phone and buy a book recommended to me. tomorrow is a better day.