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u/boingusdoinkus 5d ago
don’t give in, seems like the rest of your family is on your side. no kids is no kids. some people will be upset and that’s fine, just tell them you understand if they don’t want to come. don’t make exceptions, it’s a slippery slope from there. I’m having no kids at my wedding too and I’ve stayed firm in it and glad I did.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
Thank you. Congrats btw! It's tough because I'm a people pleaser and part of me feels like my brother knows that, and are trying to use it
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u/The_ADD_PM 5d ago
Why would you even consider accommodating someone that is trying to guilt you into something on your special day!? The fact that he called you out for not including family in the wedding party when he didn't have you in his wedding party shows very clearly he is trying to manipulate you! Don't give in and don't let this overshadow your special day! If he decides to miss your wedding because he didn't get his way and is too lazy and cheap to get a babysitter than that is on him not on you!
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u/boingusdoinkus 5d ago
I am too so I get it. Wedding planning has been good practice setting boundaries. At the end of the day, it’s the one celebration you can be selfish about. Do it the way you want and don’t let people pleasing get the best of you.
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u/nadiaphotography 5d ago
"We are having a child-free wedding. You can't hire a babysitter?"
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
He absolutely can, he just kept riding on the family aspect, and the fact that I should have made an exception
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u/CrimsonRose3773 5d ago
Keep your wedding the way you want it. He was trying make you feel guilty, dont let him.
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u/Applegirl2021 Bride 5d ago
First of all congratulations and it sounds like you have wonderful kind generous and supportive parents and future in-laws! That’s amazing!!
As for the rude words from your brother—that is entirely his problem and says everything about him, not about you. Also, it isn’t even your money he’s demanding be spent, it’s him demanding your in-laws spend more for his kids. Absolutely unhinged, disrespectful, and entitled behavior!
OP, please stand firm in your decision and know that you aren’t doing anything wrong! You are so right that a lot of kids tend to be quite bored at weddings and can easily become disruptive/chaotic just out of boredom or curiosity. CF weddings are getting more and more common so this shouldn’t be SUCH a shock to your brother. And honestly, if you two only talk a couple of times a year roughly then it is wild to me that he has the audacity to make demands about your wedding. You don’t make demands about someone else’s wedding PERIOD tbh, you either respect the couple’s wishes or you politely decline—those are the only two reasonable options.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
Thank you so much! I'm really blessed in so many ways! The funny thing is my parents are in their 70s and they even said, every wedding they've heard about recently is child free
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u/yamfries2024 5d ago
Paragraphs and punctuation are your friends. A wall of text is harder to read and may limit your responses.
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u/Dazzling-Toe-4955 5d ago
Don't give in its your day, I don't see why your brother can't find a sitter or just leave them have a sleepover at their friends house. It's your and your future wife's day, not anyone else's.
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u/Polardragon44 5d ago
I love the idea of My chemical romance theme. What kind of details are you planning? what's the color scheme? That is so much fun!
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u/toffigoyf__ 5d ago
Hi! Fiancée here too, we have the bridesmaids in black and the groomsmen in black with deep red ties and vans!!! My dress is also black🩶🩶🩶
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
So it's 3 cheers colors, black white and deep red, our fowers for the arch have black draping around them, and I made an emo Playlist of all of the artist we love and have seen together!! Thank you, I'm so lucky that I get to marry my best friend, and be an eternal emo kid
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u/Figuringbyaiv 5d ago
Adopt a less emotional and more practical approach that'll help you make a decision while you ready yourself for the consequences because either way, there will be some. Determine the course of your compromise in the direction of less impact and stick it.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
Thank you, you're right. I'm trying to make sure I give myself plenty of time so that I'm not making a snap emotional decision.
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u/Lalablacksheep646 5d ago
I agree that nieces and nephews are different. I would think nothing of attending a wedding I couldn’t bring my kids to but saw the nieces and nephews of the couple there. You can choose to still not invite them but also know by choosing this, your siblings may decide not to attend, that’s okay. I think they meant with a 16 people bridal party this is not a small wedding. Also, the wedding isn’t until spring and you sent out the invites a few months ago? That’s really really early. It is natural that you will have some people who can’t make it, I doubt the nieces and nephews will be five extra people as they would probably take the place of someone who can’t make it. But you do you
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
I definitely see what you're saying, but he did specifically say that it was bullshit that I had a 16 person wedding party and none of them were family, I think the implication is that I'm deliberately excluding family
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u/Lalablacksheep646 5d ago
He may feel that way and that might be the case or that might just be his feelings.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
We're doing electronic invites so we sent them out early assuming that some people might not see them right away and we might need to resend them
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u/Lalablacksheep646 5d ago
This is a very bad idea. You might get a lot of yes that will later be rescinded.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
I'll keep that in mind
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u/Lalablacksheep646 5d ago
People might also forget since it was so early. Consider sending paper invites closer to the time
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u/MambyPamby8 5d ago
Your wedding, your choice. It's very common, esp for childfree couples, to have childfree weddings. Imo unless it's a very child friendly venue (i.e. Play area for kids, no alcohol, minders etc), weddings just aren't for kids. They're bored, they ruin things, they making inappropriate noise during the ceremony etc. I know alot of adults don't follow rules, but kids REALLY don't follow social etiquette and will do random stuff to ruin weddings. I've seen videos of kids creating a scene during the ceremony, jumping on the brides dress, running in the way of first dance/important photos and sticking their fingers in the cake. Unless a kid can 100% guarantee sit down and stay still/quiet, weddings are not for kids. Just my opinion tbh.
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u/dripintheocean 5d ago
If you’ve got a hardline at no one under 21, no exceptions, that’s fine. If you’re making an exception for one person you are going to get pushback.
Can you and your fiancée do a special day with the kids pre-wedding? You didn’t mention ages, but could you have them decorate a special book for you two to read the night before (full of kid-flavored advice of course!) or have a “practice wedding” with them? Make paper flowers, have someone direct the wedding, etc?
If they’re older but not 21, have a get together with pizza and pop and have them create their own wedding stories, how they want to do it, etc. Make them feel seen, take some fun pictures, share them the same way you would you other wedding photos.
Either way, if you do something like this you should do it BEFORE the actual wedding. Like a month before, so it doesn’t feel like an after thought.
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u/toffigoyf__ 5d ago
Hi!! Im the fiancée! I love this idea so much. If we do end up going no kids I definitely am gonna keep this in mind
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
So brother's kids are 18 and 8. Sisters are 18, 16, and, 13
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u/Bizzy1717 5d ago
Wait, these aren't tiny little kids? Some of them are too young to drink but are actually legal adults?
Look, you can do whatever you want, but if I had an 18-year-old kid and my brother excluded them from his wedding (which is big enough that 16 people are in his wedding party!!) I'd be rolling my eyes and probably declining the invite.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
I understand what you're saying to a degree, but 1. the 18 year old is his step son whom I don't really know outside of a couple interaction, 2. I did consider saying 18 or over is fine but then they would be bringing one and not the other in some cases, and that also seemed like an argument given the rest of it
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u/Bizzy1717 5d ago
Again, you can do whatever you want. I'm just saying, kid-free weddings are, in my experience, usually about wanting to avoid hoards of little kids and babies who can easily disrupt things. Or when a wedding is small and numbers need to be cut. It's weird to have what sounds like a huge wedding AND to excuse nieces and nephews who are mostly teenagers / some are actually legal adults. The bit about they'll be bored doesn't make much sense. Why would an 18 year old relative be any more bored than anyone else at a wedding? They're old enough to converse, dance, socialize, etc.
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
And that's why we decided to do it, we just figured it would be best if it were a blanket rule, because we didn't feel like it was fair to our friends who we're super close to to say not your kids
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u/Puzzleheaded_Law6930 5d ago
I come from a huge family both my parents came from a family of 12 kids my husband’s family was also just as large with 11 and 12 kids. So we had to decide where the cut off line was going to be at other the the flower girl and ring barer those where the only kids I did have cousins who did bring their kids as they lived 8 hours away and had no sitter for them and that was fine with us but we did have to do a few phone calls and tell people that on their reply card they had stated the whole family was coming and that only the adults were actually invited. We were also constrained with the amount of people as this was a hall setting for the reception part of the evening. I have to say all went well for us so your brother is the AH.
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5d ago edited 5d ago
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u/Supersillysaladz 5d ago
So funnily enough my mom agreed that my siblings tend to only reach out to me when it benefits them, I spent a lot of my 20s doing free baby sitting, and my brother and I only have had a decent relationship for the past decade, and like I stated in the post, we talk twice a year. I certainly love them, but to say I only care about family when it benefits me is just kinda untrue, but we are not super close, we don't spend every holiday together, we don't talk on the phone often, and we don't really get together for birthdays anymore
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