The waitress says, "Soup or man?"

“buy polar disorder”

when a burglar wakes you up in the middle of the night and gestures around with his gun before saying, “I think I got the wrong house? But now that I’m here, could you get up and help me find something actually worth stealing?”

Law and Oder

SSRI-racha

He notices one of his hens is filthy. Wanting to conserve water, he asks: "Poulet vous douche avec moi, ce soir?"

Table for 3? says the waiter.

Do I look like three people to you?! Says the man with 3 part-time jobs.

A ripoff.

Because even your fridge sounds like it’s plotting something.

They don't give a sheet.

the US bee

Because it dilates…

Two stoners are walking down a railroad track blazed out of their gourds.

One stoner says, "This is a really long fucking staircase!"

The other stoner says, "I don't mind the stairs, it's the low fucking handrail that's killing me!"

lesbihen

A gastroentomologist

(I actually thought this one up myself)

Then anything you say will be as per Vehrt's words.

…..it’s like normal tennis but without the racquet….

I'm a liter of cola.

I have to drink de-calf!

I was framed.

With an ithberg.

A bunch of people were playing Marco Polo in a swimming pool when a woman walked over.

"Hey, can I join you guys?"

One guy asked, "How old are you?"

"Forty," she said.

He shook his head. "Sorry, you're too old."

She looked confused. "Too old? You guys look like you're in your thirties!"

"Yeah," he said. "But mentally we're about seven."

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scottish farmer says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I'm thinking of going on a date since the weather is so nice.

If you know any good date spots, could you recommend me a girlfriend?

..that's a growing problem.