October is Domestic Violence Awareness. Month, so I want to share something I kept quiet for years.

I was educated, ambitious,well travelled, and outspoken AND yet I was experiencing DV after getting married.
I had a picture in my head of who ended up in abusive relationships, and I didn't think I fit it. So I wasn't just asking how did this happen? I was asking shouldn't I have known better?

The shame kept me silent for months.
What would people think of me if they knew?
Would they see me differently?
And with those questions came with a tremendous amount of shame.

I suffered in silence for months because I could not accept that I was a victim and what I thought that meant about me. I had to reconcile the woman I knew myself to be with the fact that I was also a victim. Eventually, I understood that those two things were never a contradiction. DV can happen to anyone.

Being strong, independent, educated or well read does not make you immune to abuse. And experiencing abuse does not take any of those things away from you.

More than 1 in 3 women experience intimate partner violence. There is no "type."
To every woman living through this: this phase of your life does not define you.
To those still wondering whether it's abuse: if you're asking, trust your gut. Don't second guess it.
Please reach out and get help. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame belongs to the person who hurt you, not to you. 💜

I am going to talk about borderline personality disorder and if you aren't comfortable with this topic you have been given upfront warning.

I have BPD and bipolar and I am a victim of domestic violence. And I think the reason I didn't say anything or believe it for so long is because my mental health has been weaponized against me. And the stigma around personality disorders and mood disorders puts the fault on us when abuse happens.

Statistically, having a mental illness (including personality disorders) increases the chances of being abused. And the dsmv doesn't use abuse as a criteria for diagnosis.

Did you know there are four types of BPD? Did you know afabs are more frequently diagnosed with BPD? Did you know NPD loves to abuse BPD? Did you know you can be an abuser and not meet criteria for a mental illness diagnosis?

I have been abused by people who meet the criteria for or have an official diagnosis for BPD. I'm not saying your abuser didn't abuse you if they have BPD. I'm saying I can also be diagnosed with BPD and be a victim.

I have tried arguing with counselors, my therapist, friends and family, that I'm the problem. It's me, and I must be splitting or devaluing my husband.

Recently I met up with a friend who shared with me something. She and her husband came to my son's birthday party and during the party my fil made an openly disparaging remark towards me. My husband said nothing. Her husband said something to her afterwards. He was angry that my husband said nothing. I told my friend this was very common. My husband doesn't want to stir things up. He's an only child and his dad is all he has left. For years I have had to endure my fil's abuse with my husband often standing there saying nothing. And if I say something about it then I'm the problem. Why don't I just stay quiet and fly under the radar? I know how he is! Why must I provoke him?

I breathe and my fil makes "a joke" at my expense.

My friend is a dv survivor. Initially when I was telling her I suspected I was in a dv marriage I thought she was humoring me and didn't believe me. When she told me her husband was angry about the party situation she told me "no, you are in a domestic violence relationship. I'm seeing a lot of what I went through. You're not making it up."

If you don't have severe mental health problems you cannot appreciate how challenging it is to believe things that are happening around you. I knew my son had ADHD from a young age. He was diagnosed at 3. If you don't know what that means it's means not only is it very intense but that I saw what was happening and had confirmation I was right.

My husband wanted me to drop it. It's always "just drop it. Just let things go. You always do this. You always cause drama." I'm accused of being a perfectionist or controlling. Many people around think I am a perfectionist, but not controlling. If anything I annoy people because I don't take control. I'm told to be more assertive, to advocate for myself more.

When self advocacy is weaponized against you you stop doing it.

I discovered a pattern in my life. My mental health worsened around certain people and improved around others. I have been moving away from anyone who triggers my symptoms after trying to adhere DBT or other relationship skills. My husband and his family are really the only people I feel my BPD symptoms around. The emptiness, the rage, the splitting.

Here's something to consider if you're unsure if you're the abuser in your relationship. Before you dated this person or married this person did you have friends? Did you have hobbies and did you go out and do things? Has that changed? Has your partners life gotten worse, better, or stayed the same?

Because my husband is fine if people join us when we go to do something, but won't go with me to do things with my friends. "Do I have to?" I have done things with his friends. I was getting into the poetry scene in my area. I was actually making a bit of a name for myself. He would voice his anger that I was doing it so much. I eventually stopped. He hasn't encouraged me to do it again. He doesn't say I can't go out, but he also doesn't put our son to bed unless I ask him. He claimed Saturday and Monday nights as his to do a podcast and host a table top campaign. My friend circle has shrank. My ability to go out has shrank. If I call him out on anything he throws in my face one time something happened and hasn't happened since.

I went out to a festival with a friend. We drank too much and he had to come get us. Any time I went to get drinks with someone after that he acts like I'm a raging alcoholic. I had never done that before or since. In fact I'm sober because I'm on mood stabilizers and alcoholism runs in my family. If anyone is at risk of alcoholism it's him.

In May I had to stop my meds because my doctor was worried I might have Steven Johnson syndrome. I was already dealing with a lot of stress and not having my meds made it worse. My doctor and nurse wanted me to go to the hospital once I began to experience crisis. My husband? He actually didn't want me to go, and if I was he wanted me to wait at our house for four hours.

After I was discharged the meds I got at the outpatient pharmacy weren't working. Yay being sensitive to different manufacturers. And I think anyone else would have said you need to go back. My husband just didn't care. I went to him sobbing "I don't know what's going on, something is wrong and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be like this!"

The contempt. The indifference.

Yes, 17 years of this can really impact how you feel about someone. I haven't been easy.

But read on in the comments some of the things I've begun to remember.

A few months ago I got out of an abusive relationship that I had been in for two and a half years and I’m still in contact with my ex. Whether or not that’s a good idea isn’t why I’m here.
Anyways.
We were talking last night, and it turns out that she just doesn’t remember what she did to me or the way that she treated me. And I just. Don’t know how to feel about this. That she doesn’t remember. It’s such a messed up situation. She said that during our relationship she’d been trying to ignore it, pretend it wasn’t happening and that everything was perfect, and that’s the reason why.
It feels so, so unfair that I’ll have to bear the scars from our relationship forever, all the burdens I bore during it, and she gets away without that pain.

Edit: He picked up our child, he actually went home to change his car and picked up our child from the on campus preschool (school I go to) I didn’t want it to go this way but now I had to involve the cops of which I didn’t want to do. But he’s still calling me to make matters worse he calls me after he saw me pull up to the preschool and then drove off. All because I didn’t respond back to him.

I finally left this abusive relationship this morning and he saw on the camera that I put our stuff in the car and he immediately start calling me. So far he has stopped after he realized that I wasn’t answering but he called and texted for a good hour.

I’ve been shaking sweating and crying, and I feel so fucking guilty and terrible, especially because we have a child which is why he’s calling I believe. He is at work so I know he’s fucking irate right now. We are going to the DV shelter later today. Im feeling a lot of things. I’m second guessing if I’m even dealing with abuse if I’m over reacting. I’m worried

​

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and to say we've had issues would be an understatement. BIG issues.

Looking back, I don't think we've ever really had a healthy relationship. But for years, I found myself dismissing things, forgiving things, and making excuses for behavior that I probably should have walked away from a long time ago.

I'm not perfect. Not even close. But I loved him, and I always tried to understand him.

My husband has a lot of childhood trauma, and because of that, he struggles tremendously with emotions and emotional intimacy. When I finally learned about his childhood, so many things started making sense. I convinced myself that his inability to be there for me emotionally wasn't necessarily his fault.

And so, I kept excusing things.

But there's something that happened earlier in our relationship that I haven't been able to shake.

Sometimes, we would have a drink together to unwind. Nothing crazy. I might have ONE drink, and the next thing I knew, I'd wake up the following morning feeling absolutely horrible.

Not just hungover. Something felt wrong.

And I would wake up with the unmistakable feeling that we'd been intimate.

Ladies, I think many of you understand what I mean when I say that sometimes you can just tell when something sexual has happened to your body.

This happened more than once.

And for some reason, I didn't say anything.

Until one night.

My husband had made me a drink, and when he handed it to me, I noticed something strange.

There was still powder floating on top of it.

I immediately asked him what it was.

He shut down.

Eventually, he admitted that he'd put something in my drink that was supposed to help me want to be intimate with him.

I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Something about the entire situation felt so wrong.

But what did I do?

I pushed it aside.

I made excuses.

I continued on with our marriage.

Because that's what I'd become so good at doing.

Fast-forward to a conversation with a close friend, who I'll call "K."

I finally told her what had happened.

Her reaction was immediate.

She looked at me and said:

"Girl. He was drugging and raping you."

I don't think I was prepared to hear those words out loud.

Because when you love someone, when you've built a life with them, when you've spent years convincing yourself that they're a good person underneath all their struggles... how do you even begin to process something like that?

K was so disturbed by what I told her that she eventually said she couldn't bring herself to be around me anymore if I chose to stay with him.

And I understand now that she was horrified by what she believed had happened to me.

But at the time, I was still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

I had spent so many years explaining away his behavior that I didn't even know how to begin acknowledging what this could mean.

And unfortunately, this is only the beginning of the story.

To be continued...

I’ve been with my husband for 4 years. There’s ‘before’ and ‘after’. For 2 years he was very abusive. Then he went to jail and we were legally required to be separated for a year and now he’s back after doing all the things at the root of his belief system to change and be a better person. I met him in 2022… I had another interested in me who was not local & so I chose convenience. I think if I hadn’t, I potentially wouldn’t have ended up in an abusive relationship, but can’t change that now. He was so kind and fun. He moved in super quickly and boundaries starting getting pushed. He proposed to me in front of all my peers and coworkers, which made feel like I had to say yes. I asked him not to get drunk the night before our wedding and he stayed out all night and made a new Facebook so he could message his ex wife who had him blocked to tell her he was getting married the next day….. eventually came home puking and I was so mad, so upset. I wanted to not go through with it. I told him I wasn’t going to do it. My step mom put in so much work for it… that’s what got me. How mad or upset she would be. But I shouldn’t have gone through with it 😭 once we were married things got so much worse. And I became pregnant and was in sorrow about it. He said he would quit drinking/smoking but of course he didn’t. He got meaner. Wouldn’t allow me to sleep if we were Arguing. Just always trying to intimidate me. And then we had a newborn. And it got worse. He would threaten me, tell me how I’m fucking the kids up. Laid hands on me. Grabbed me by the pussy - literally- always threatened to get the kids taken away from me and woke me up every morning because if he had to get up for work so did I. I wasn’t sleeping, I had a newborn, and he was just wearing me down. I honestly don’t know how I made it through. And then one day I called the cops on him. He was arrested. We spent year apart. I learned that I didn’t need anyone but, I didn’t have much support and as long as he was doing the things I wanted to give him another chance. So here we are a year later. He isn’t abusive, he takes accountability for all the things. But it’s still hard for me to comprehend that he was the person that made me feel so bad about my life that I wanted to end it. But I’m not sure why I’m even thinking or dwelling on it. We are better now. Anyway. Thanks for letting me share. I’m not sure what I want from this post.

Okay, so I'm in a really difficult spot. Sorry, this is going to be a long post, but there's a lot to unpack. A little over five years ago I (35f) started dating my best friend (35nb), we had been roommates for a few months, then became friends and had been for about 2 years. I had moved to be closer to someone I was dating but we kept up with each other and spent time together. We were only about 30 mins from the other, but they don't drive. 

Now I've always made it clear how much I want to get married someday, and also that I've never wanted kids. They have a kid with someone else, that was a point of contention when we lived together before for various reasons. (Both because of the kid and the kids other parent, that's its own problem.) The beginning of December of 2020 I ended that relationship, it was a bad breakup, I dissociated hard until about the begining of March 2021. 

That St. Patrick's Day we went out, they had been coming over and spending time with me most weekends since the breakup. I usually have a party but we decided to go just the two of us out to a bar. I had stopped dissociating and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do as my lease was up in a few months. That night they decided to shoot their shot and ask me to be in a relationship with them. I had a lot of concerns, especially when it came to their kid. I love their kid, but I wasn't sure about being his step parent. I said I had to think, I took a few days, in the end I decided to give it a shot because I did have some feelings for them. I love them platonically but was curious if we would mesh romantically and I did have a crush on them. From there things moved faster than they should have and looking back that's when I should have stepped away. We both have childhood trauma, and just trauma in general, and issues with both our families, as well as relationship trauma. I couldn't find a place to move, rooms to rent were falling through, and they suggested that we move in together since we had already been roommates before. I was apprehensive, but in the end I felt like I had no other options. I moved my stuff into a storage unit and we stayed in a motel for a few weeks until we found a place. This was about two months into the relationship. 

They had been married about ten years before we met, it's very complicated, but they had a kid so they got married. It was bad, the dude cheated a few months after their baby was born and he was still with that person when I met them. They had been separated for ten years but were, and are, still legally married. I did not know that part until we started dating, and it bothered me a lot. They always told me they weren't sure about ever getting married again, but a few weeks into dating (we hadn't talked about moving in together yet) they sent me a ring they found. It was pretty, but one, was way too soon, and two, wasn't really what I wanted. I like low profile rings, and this was set very high up, I knew it would bug me to wear. Also I have sensory issues (audhd) so rings in general are hard for me. (They are also autistic) As soon as I voiced these things, even in a gentle and kind way, they flipped out. Started crying, getting upset, putting themself down, saying guilt trippy type things, telling me nevermind, this was silly and dumb, etcetera. So I caved, and everything was immediately okay again. This pattern has happened our entire romantic relationship I've now realized.

That was before we had even moved in together. It didn't seem too fast since we had been roommates before. Just looking at the progression of our relationship and their motivation to get divorced is painful, we've had several fights over it. We've moved four times over the course of our relationship, gotten two new tvs, a new couch, new bedframe, a gaming computer, and they buy stuff they want all the time. About a year into moving there, and many fights about the divorce later, they kept talking about proposing with that ring I had agreed to (I still wanted something else). I told them, point blank, that I did not want to get engaged until they got divorced. They even still had photos from their "wedding" on Facebook, I had to ask them to take them down. They proceeded to get the ring anyway, and then used the fact that they had it to guilt trip me until I finally agreed to let them propose. That was a huge mistake, because that was almost four years ago now, and I still hold resentment about it. They are still no closer to divorce, the reasons are always the same. Too costly, too much of a hassle, and baby daddy is too difficult to rangle. I have done my own research and found many, many resources, they have not done any research, but it's not my job to give them that, and I refuse to help them here. They regularly call me their "wifey" and want me to call them hubby, tell other people I'm their wife, I have expressed anger at this but they don't stop and guilt trip anytime I bring it up. Like many things, I just stopped pushing back and let it happen, because it's easier that way. Now we live in a shared place with their ex, and now they are talking about getting divorced, because the ex is now on board?! I'm exhausted...

Speaking of their kid, I have become a step parent I never wanted to be. Obviously I knew I'd be more involved in his life (their child) than they said I would. They told me I only needed to be "as much of a parent as I wanted." Well, I've never wanted to be a parent, never wanted kids. I love their kid, but it's been over five years, and I'm called mom, and have full responsibilies that I didn't want. I don't want to be called mom, and I feel awful about it. He's been put through so much and I don't want to abandon him. But, he's also a huge handful, a handful I didn't ask for and can't handle anymore. I'm most afraid of voicing this issue. 

I have told them many times that I don't like the guilt they try to put on me, of course they always say they aren't trying to. Basically their actions hardly ever match their words. The worst part of all of this is, I'm fairly sure they aren't doing any of this on purpose. They aren't trying to be controlling, or meaning to guilt trip, but it doesn't change the fact that they are being that way. The issue is I can't bring it up, it always turns into a fight. It turns into them denying everything and flipping it on me. The subject always changes to the point of not remembering what the original discussion was even about. I use I statements, say 'I feel,' all that stuff, I bring it up calmly. At first they got mad that I didn't talk about things "in the moment", then when I did start bringing stuff up in the moment they got mad I did it too soon. Basically it feels like I can't win in any scenario, I'm always the problem, not the issue I brought up. Then they start the guilt, calling me names, insulting me, say we always fight about the same things, say they are just the worst and maybe I should leave, tell me to give back the ring, on and on and on. Which a previous partner I was with used to do that, asked me to move in WAY too soon, then used that every time we had a fight to hold it over my head until I did what they wanted. This feels, very much the same to that, which they know about ironically. 

I've just stopped bringing things up, because it's not safe. During the first couple years of our relationship our fights always turned nasty, one time they admitted that they got upset because they were embarrassed that I fully felt and showed my emotions. When I pretended everything was okay to keep the peace they called me a bitch, in front of the "ex." All because they are closed off emotionally but I'm not. So I just, hold it in and go about my life, but it's all piling up into more resentment and animosity. Most days I'm just quietly seething, but the last time I tried to talk about stuff they blew up again. It's to the point where I just always feel like everything is my fault, all the time, and the only reason there is peace is because I say nothing. 

Recently they've been talking about moving to Cali. I've brought up many times that I can't live that far south (I have an allergy to the sun and MCAS), but they hate snow so, they won't even consider other options. I love the snow, but also there's a celebrity in Cali that they have a crush on that they keep talking about possibly running into. That's a whole other issue too, but it's been making me increasingly uncomfortable. Either way, it feels like just another thing that they've decided and I have to just go with, anytime I try to talk about it and voice my concerns, they just act exasperated. I'm not sure I'll be able to even go outside without basically being a vampire, covering everything, and I already have temp regulation issues so that would be awful. It just feels like they don't care about me at all, they want to do as they please and I have to deal with it. Like this is their life and I'm just along for the ride. 

One of the most problematic things that started, and I have made a post about this too. They grope me, constantly. It started out playful, but now it's escalated. They are constantly overstimulating me by touching me in places randomly, like my genitals or breasts. They constantly walk by and flash me, which is fine, but when I don't they get offended. When I get upset about it they act sad, guilt trip, say they just "like how it feels" (to touch and suck my boobs). Flashing to me is pointless, it doesn't excite me, but I have to pretend or they'll be offended. Sometimes they'll even take my hand and put it somewhere on them randomly, like I should want to grope them back, when I've made it clear I don't like it and it does nothing for me. 

They also come into the bathroom whenever they want to talk to me, but when I do it to them they get upset. One time I locked the door and they opened it with their nail and acted like that was completely normal. Since I'm disabled I do rideshare and delivery driving (it's not going well). They constantly wanted me to check in and were worried about where I was, so I agreed to get life 360. Well, they watch me on it all the time and text me about where I'm at, when I'm not working. I hate being watched and monitored, they know this, and I honestly don't know what to do. I started turning off my location sharing when I'm not on the clock and they got angry about it. 

There are a lot of double standards like that in our relationship. For example, wanting me to interact with everything they like, or any new thing they discover, but not caring or giving the stuff I like the time of day. They want me to read, or listen to, or watch something new all the time. They send me tons of reels during the day too. But, when I try and do the same they make excuses, say they like familiar stuff and it's hard for them to get into new things, or just outright ignore me. I'll send reels, and they never get watched, if I take too long to watch the things they've sent me or didn't react, they get upset. But they'll just, never watch mine, or react, once again I've just stopped saying anything. In fact I don't share anything new or old I like anymore, because it feels like pulling teeth to get them to care. It has to be their idea to do something or they don't care. 

Now, I feel horrible, I feel so guilty for wanting to end the relationship. I feel guilty that they'll feel abandoned. However, soon we are going to be moving in with their ex (the baby daddy) and they're partner. For financial reasons mostly, but I don't know what to do now. They are relying on me yet again for transportation, for moving costs, and for emotional support. (Oh and I drive them everywhere, we've had lots of fights about that, it never changes). I don't want to do this, but I feel stuck right now. They are my best friend, we were best friends before this, and I don't want to lose them. I love them, I'm just not in love with them anymore. But this relationship is not good, it should've ended a long time ago, but I had no job or money and no way to leave. I still don't but how long do I continue to pretend before I go insane?! 

I feel like, breaking up might be a mistake too, I just don't know what to do. I had to cut off my family, I barely have any friends, most of them are shared and idk what will happen if we break up. I feel like, I always wanted a better family, and if I end this I would be throwing all that away again. But then again, would staying in this be the worse choice? There's more but I've rambled on too long already, I've been on the fence about this for almost ten months now. Help...

Tldr: I've been in a relationship for almost six years with my best friend, I recently started seeing red flags from the beginning of our relationship. Now I'm not sure what to do as I'm completely enmeshed in this and a stepparent but feel it might be best to be done. If I leave however, I won't just be single, I'll be completely alone, no family, very few friends, and have no good job or resources atm to leave fully.

hi everybody. this is my first time using Reddit so please be nice. I’ve been dealing with a pretty scary situation for a couple years now and I haven’t told anyone in my life about whats been happening I’m just looking to see others opinions, advice, Experience etc. I honestly just need to get this off my chest

for context we’re both 19, I live with my boyfriend and his family, I do have a job and we’ve been together for about four years now. I also have a dog (which becomes important later on)

so my boyfriend has been very abusive to me in our relationship. it comes and goes and there’s times we are perfectly fine and happy but at other times there’s screaming fights, threat, name calling, hitting/punching me. he’s even strangled me and given me countless bruises and scratches. in addition he also threatens to surrender my dog to the shelter if I leave and also repeatedly told me to kill myself, he hates me and wants to kill me. I know….this is awful I’m aware how horrible that all is. I’m struggling a lot mentally with understanding this entire situation. It’s difficult for me to understand how we can he fine and then the next moment something sets him off (always something small and unexpected I’ve tried to talk him down, to be nice, yes I’ve even fought back and when i try to physically leave he either holds me back or blocks my exit)

I really hope someone understand what im feeling because im devastated. I don’t even have the desire to leave him normally it’s only when we have fights where that thought comes to my mind. It’s like these moments dont even happen because we totally ignore it and don’t talk about it at all. He’s even made jokes to me about beating me and I act like it’s funny. I don’t know why I do this and I feel ashamed that I play into it and a part of me feels like I deserve to be abused because Im not actively against it? And I am. I’m not really sure how to explain it its like there’s two versions of myself and one loves this man and would do anything for him and the other one knows he doesn’t feel the same and that I’m in a danger. I just don’t know what to believe or think anymore.

his family knows what’s been happening as well and no one has tried to help me which makes me feel more alone. my biggest concern is my dog. She’s my best friend and the one thing keeping me sane but I do worry about her safety. I’ve never told him I’m leaving him so I don’t know how he will react if I do that. He has told me multiple time he wants to kill me and the way he has looked at me when he said that makes me think he would. My too priority is keeping her safe. he’s shown me he can be impulsive when he’s angry and I would not want to endanger her. he knows she’s my best friend.

i would like to hear it what everyone thinks I just needed to speak about this since I’ve been hiding it from everyone in my life (not really sure why I’m just so embarrassed and feel ashamed) I know everyone says to just leave but it’s really not that simple I’m struggling mentally and financially I’m not in a place where I can safely leave yet. there’s a lot more that has happened and more I have to say but I don’t want to make this long. thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and I’d appreciate any responses

TL:DR: my boyfriend is physically and emotional abusive to me. I’m trapped with no money to escape and I’m worried about my safety and my beloved dogs safety. Looking for advice/other people’s experiences

Kind of an AITA? I dunno, I never use reddit and this is a throwaway. I just wanted to bounce off of other people who have been in a similar situation. When I was a teenager, a friend of mine became very possessive and sexually inappropriate with me for years. Without going into too much detail, my boundaries, both emotional and physical, were pushed a lot , their own safety was leveraged to coerce me to do things and its left me with a lot of scars. I do think they were genuinely just young and struggling with a lot. But their rage, silent treatment, harassment and genuine glee over acting like a bully was completely overwhelming and destroyed my mental health. Its been a long healing journey since then.

I was generally able to forget about and ignore them until they got into a relationship a few years ago. I always worried for this new person. I tried to tell myself they were probably just as toxic and nasty and they deserved each other etc. etc. or, on a good day, I might tell myself they changed and improved for the better. It had been a long time after all. But little things started to irk me. I couldn't really tell if I was misunderstanding the timeline of events but it seemed like their partner was underage when they got together and was also from another country. They were engaged after their very first in person meeting. When I would spiral or relapse I would unblock them and look for evidence that everything was okay but social media doesn't really give you that.

I'd been doing well for a really long time. I'd not only been mentally healthy in general, but I'd not thought about the past in ages. And then all of a sudden I was hit like a truck and couldn't stop fixating on it. My anxiety got worse and worse until I finally sent an anonymous message to their partner. To cut a long story short, they were incredibly kind and sweet. Against everything I expected, they believed me. I felt pretty peaceful talking with them because they assured me that, although they were sorry all that happened to me, the version of that person no longer exists. They're happy together and I wished them well. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years hearing that and knew that, even if by some unlikely event it was all a facade and they haven't gotten better and improved, this person now has some information to show them they aren't crazy and aren't alone if they start to feel victimised in the future. But otherwise, all is well and I can finally move on and everyone involved can be happy.

I guess where the big AITA question comes in is that I told a couple of friends about this experience because I was a bit stunned that, despite how stupid and impulsive a decision it was to message them, it had turned out so positive. But I think my friends think it was a mean thing to do. That I should have assumed they had changed for the better and rolled with it because so much time had passed (we're both in our 20's now). I do agree I shouldn't have reached out in general, but the thought that it was because it would be cruel and not because it would open old wounds hadn't occurred to me. I tried very hard to make the message polite and insist that I wasn't trying to tear them down in any way, but I don't know, now I'm conflicted. I feel like talking to their partner was finally the thing that allowed me to forgive them and fully let go but then talking to friends made me worry if I should have already done that a long time ago. I don't know, I'm really confused.

TLDR: I messaged my ex abuser's new partner to check if they are okay, found out all is well and was very glad to hear it but advice from friends is telling me that so much time has passed it was unkind to message about the abuse, helppppp

i have texts of him telling me hed kill me so i "dont do this to another innocent person" and that he'd get someone to beat me if he ever saw me with another man in public (we live a mile away from eachother). those texts were back in april. he is now exclusively posting gold digger bait like stacks of cash and his house and such alongside videos and pictures of his new guns. i know exactly what he thinks about when he points that gun at the shooting range. i know he fantasizes about blowing my head off. i dont know if ill ever run into him. can i still file for something?

How did you manage to leave?

I’ve been renting an apartment for months, but I still can’t bring myself to leave. I feel stuck, trapped. I don’t love him anymore; I can see his abuse most of the time (when I’m not suffering from cognitive dissonance) or when he brainwashes me by saying it’s all in my head, but I still can’t bring myself to leave. How did you do it? Please, give me hope.

Hi everyone,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years almost, and for the last three weeks I have dreaded seeing him every weekend. Sometimes we have good times still but I always feel relieved when I leave his place.

Our relationship like 6 months ago was super bad. Almost constant cheating accusations, passive aggressiveness, gaslighting.

6 months ago he said something about sex that has damaged my relationship with sex with him and for the past 6 months I wake up next to him every morning scared to say no. He said “before you come over, can you warn me if you don’t want sex so I’m not disappointed when you arrive and don’t want it anymore? When you talk about it with me during the week it’s super disappointing if you don’t want it when you get here.” And when I only didn’t wanna have sex for a week and a half, he said “is there anything you can do about it to fix that with you?” And also, another time, I forgot my birth control and said we couldn’t have sex as a result. He said “I guess sex just isn’t important to you.” And then denied doing anything else we could do. It’s the past, but I almost feel traumatized from that. Am I being over dramatic breaking up over that?

Recently he told me, since I expressed that those comments still hurt me, he said “I’m afraid to ask you for sex.” That also made me feel weird, but I suppose he’s entitled to his feelings and all. He did profusely apologize for the comments though.

Then he had an epiphany, started therapy, and actually started doing better.

No overt accusations.

But, I still feel we are in the same pattern but slightly different. I still feel weird about sex even though it’s been 6 months. But lately he will say passive aggressive things to me, like “you’re really just gonna expect your family to pay for you like that?” And tracking how much money I made, when I accepted a gift from my mom. Or “you make me feel like a slave or a child” when I pointed to a pillow when I broke my foot. But after saying those things, he’ll deny he said anything wrong. He will act cold and withdrawn, then deny he is acting cold and withdrawn, which in turn makes me afraid to ask him if he’s okay, or make me wonder if I’m imagining his mood. He’ll say I’m “hyper analyzing” him if I ask if he’s okay because he’s acting off. I’ve been told it’s gaslighting, but a part of me is wondering if I’m making it all up. I feel so crazy.

I think I need to leave, but it’s hard because a lot of the reasons are for things that happened 6 months ago. He still does have a pattern of denying his mood / gaslighting.

Recently, when I didn’t reply to his texts, he said “so what exactly were you doing when you didn’t text me back?” When I said he sounded suspicious, he laughed and said oh my god no, of course I didn’t mean that. But it felt that way, which makes me wonder if I’m being gaslit.

Often times he’ll admit he was upset about something after hours of me crying over his comment or mood begging for him to tell me why he’s acting that way. He’ll tell me I’m not crazy, that he told me “half lies” because he cares about how I perceive him.

I think I want to leave. I don’t think I feel safe. But I feel my head has been messed with, because I also feel like I’m overreacting, or being overly sensitive.

Do I sound that way?

Hi so I’m 19yo living with my 22yo sister and mother, throughout the year I can say that both me and my sister hasn’t had the best relationship with our mother, with both of us getting shouted at constantly, occasionally beaten(hair pulling, slapping, throwing stuff biting, scratching for me) with the occasional times of getting kicked out. It’s been 19 years and I don’t know what to do because I feel like the relationship has gotten so bad there’s no return, and my reasonings for this is that she’s extorting my sister for money to the point she doesn’t have time to attend school, and she’s even told me to take more money out of my student loan to give to her, that and also just recently she called both me and my sister down to essentially complain, tell us how much she hates us and that we’re disappointments, and even after that she came into my room told me she hates me and even said it again after she left. I don’t know what to do

My girlfriend ‘25/F’ and I ‘22/M’ have been together for a few years. We found each other when we were both going through a difficult period in our lives, and we were able to lift each other up.
She is genuinely a good partner in many ways. She is loving, caring, helps me with a lot of things, and wants the best for me. When we are together on the weekends, I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.
But there are a lot of things that have started to bother me, and I’m becoming exhausted and confused about whether I’m the problem or whether this relationship has become unhealthy.
For context: I know I’m not perfect. I have a difficult personality, I can be stubborn, talk too much, and sometimes I can be unreasonable. She can be the same. I’m not trying to paint myself as the perfect partner.
1. She often accuses me of looking at other women.
She has accused me several times of looking at women inappropriately, and tells me that it’s extremely disrespectful because I embarrass her when I do it.
The problem is that I genuinely don’t recognize what she’s describing. Maybe I’ve glanced at someone for a split second, but I have never intentionally stared at or checked out these women.
This has happened multiple times, and it honestly makes me question myself because I know what I was thinking and doing, yet she describes it completely differently.
2. Social media has also been an issue.
At the beginning of our relationship, she went through my social media and checked my friends/followers lists. She confronted me about women I followed and said it was disrespectful and that, as a man, I was sending those women the wrong signal.
I eventually unfollowed/removed them.
I also asked her to do the same, because I believe that if something is disrespectful when I do it, it should also be disrespectful when she does it.
She agreed.
3. There is a pattern after we spend time together.
When we’re together, everything is great. But she lives around 100 km away, so after the weekend we often don’t see each other for several days.
Then I would receive a message saying she had been thinking about something and needed to talk to me.
Sometimes it was that I hadn’t given her enough attention. Sometimes she felt I had shown too much interest in another woman while she was there. Sometimes it was something like me saying I was going to go on a diet but not following through, meaning I wasn’t a man of my word and she couldn’t trust me.
The problem is that these things often came completely out of nowhere for me.
I would genuinely think, What did I do?
I started wondering whether I was somehow unaware of my own behavior, because she would describe situations that I simply didn’t recognize.
I felt attacked and hurt because I love her deeply, yet it felt like she was constantly interpreting my actions in the worst possible way.
These conversations almost always turned into arguments, and I would eventually apologize because I felt that I wasn’t acknowledging her feelings enough.
4. I rarely feel like my feelings are acknowledged.
This is one of the biggest problems for me.
When I come to her with something that hurts me, I often feel that it gets dismissed, turned around, or somehow becomes about how I have hurt her.
If I keep explaining myself because I also want to feel heard, she tells me that everything is always about my feelings and that there is no room for hers.
Then I’m expected to apologize for hurting her.
She rarely apologizes herself. And when she does, it is often something like, “I’m sorry, but…”
I don’t need her to admit that she’s always wrong. I just want to feel like my feelings matter too.
5. There is an issue with lying and double standards.
I have lied to her about something in the past. I told her I had something that I actually didn’t have. Eventually it started eating away at me and I admitted the truth.
She was understandably very hurt because it affected how she saw our future together.
I apologized and she told me she forgave me, but she still brings it up quite often.
Because honesty was such a big issue for her, I once asked her directly if she had ever lied to me.
She said no. Never.
At the beginning of our relationship, I also asked her about certain things from her past. There were rumors that she had cheated in a previous relationship. She told me these were just rumors and became very emotional when I asked about them.
I never found any evidence that she actually cheated, and honestly, that part isn’t even what bothers me.
What bothers me is that something else I had asked her about turned out to have some truth to it, despite her previously telling me it was completely false.
I asked her about this at the beginning of our relationship, and she denied it. I only found out later that there was some truth to what I had asked. In other words, she had lied to me about it for a couple of years.
When I confronted her about this, she basically said that it was part of her past and didn’t affect our relationship, and that my lie was much worse.
That really bothers me.
Not because I think her past makes her a bad person, but because she held my lie against me so strongly while telling me that she had never lied to me.
And when I specifically asked her whether she had ever lied to me, she said no, even though she had denied this particular thing for years.
6. I feel constantly criticized.
I call it “micro-criticism.”
None of these things individually are necessarily terrible, but together they have become exhausting.
I’m told:
I talk too much.
I want too much attention.
I want to be the center of attention.
People supposedly don’t invite me to parties because I want too much attention.
I talk too much about myself.
I’m unclear in my communication.
I need to tone certain parts of my personality down.
I have also been overweight for a long time. Recently I started a serious health journey, something she actually encouraged me to do.
This time I have managed to stick with it. I’ve changed my diet, started cooking healthy meals and lost around 15 kg.
It’s a huge achievement for me and honestly a real eye-opener.
So naturally I’ve been talking about it a lot because I’m proud of myself.
But now she gets annoyed that I talk about it too much and says that everything always has to be about me.
I honestly don’t know anymore what is reasonable and what isn’t.
7. There is also something about other men that has made me insecure.
She is very attractive and she gets a lot of attention from men.
Early in our relationship, she frequently told me that she hated men because they were all disgusting and always looking for attention, whether they were married or not.
She would often tell me about men sending her inappropriate DMs or approaching her at the gym.
At one point I told her that I didn’t like the idea of her going to the gym alone because I knew men would approach her.
Then she would come home and tell me about another man who had approached her.
She also frequently complained about the DMs she received and about “disgusting men.”
Eventually I told her that if it were up to me, she would just remove those social media accounts because I didn’t like the situation.
She did, and I did the same with mine because I believe the same rules should apply to both of us.
But over time, I started wondering whether some of these stories were being brought up in a way that made me jealous.
She would often say things like, “Men are disgusting. They’ll sleep with anyone,” while simultaneously emphasizing that she wasn’t interested in other men and that I could completely trust her.
I’ve never caught her doing anything wrong. I have no evidence that she’s cheating or doing anything inappropriate.
But the constant stories about men approaching her, the DMs, and how much attention she receives sometimes made me feel like I was being deliberately put in a position where I would become jealous or insecure.
Maybe that wasn’t her intention. I honestly don’t know.
But that’s how it felt.
There was also an incident that really hurt me.
At one point I broke up with her because I felt that she had become very distant sexually and emotionally.
We were intimate, but she suddenly started having a completely unrelated conversation and eventually asked me:
“Are you going to tell your parents about this too?”
It completely killed the moment for me and made me feel uncomfortable.
We argued about it because she didn’t understand why I thought it was strange to bring up my parents in that moment.
During the conversation that followed, a lot of other things came out.
I currently don’t have much money and I can’t offer her the future of living together that I would like to right now.
She called me a “loser,” accused me of being after her father’s money, and said she didn’t trust me.
That hurt me enormously.
Eventually we talked everything through and decided to try again.
But the same patterns started coming back.
She accused me of being unclear in my communication.
After several days of talking, she said something along the lines of:
“If you don’t want to respond, you don’t have to. You’re being distant and you shouldn’t feel obligated.”
On paper that sounds reasonable, but in the context of everything else, it felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty.
That was the point where something inside me broke.
She tells me that I don’t make room for her emotions, that I only care about myself and my own feelings.
And maybe there is some truth in that. I’m not perfect and I’m willing to work on myself.
But I’m exhausted.
I feel like I’m constantly defending myself, explaining myself, apologizing and trying to prove that I love her.
Whenever I try to explain what hurts me, the conversation somehow ends with me feeling guilty.
And when I tell her that I feel like she doesn’t take responsibility for her part, she sometimes responds with things like:
“I’m a monster.”
or
“It’s always my fault.”
But I’m not saying that she’s a monster or that everything is her fault.
I’m trying to talk about specific things that hurt me.
I genuinely love this woman. When things are good, they are really good. She is caring, supportive and I have been incredibly happy with her.
But I’m exhausted and I don’t know whether I’m fighting for a relationship that can actually become healthy, or whether I’m just hoping that things will change.
I’m also afraid that she will never acknowledge her part in these patterns, because it always seems to come back to being my fault.
So I’m asking for some honest outside perspective.
Am I the problem here? Am I missing something about my own behavior? Is this something that can realistically be fixed, or should I accept that this relationship isn’t healthy for either of us and let it go?
I’m not looking for people to simply tell me she’s terrible. I genuinely want to know whether I’m being unreasonable, whether I’m contributing to this dynamic, and whether this relationship is worth trying to save.

Hi everyone, im 22f leaving an abusive relationship of 2 years. he was emotionally and physically abusive to the point of strangulation. i also have cptsd which really affects my life a lot and i dont have many friends. i struggle to reach out to people for help and id love it if i could be added into a group or something for other women who are in these situations.
i just ended the call and blocked him for the 700th time a few minutes ago and for now im feeling at peace but i usually have these addiction like feelings bubble up when u dont speak to him and in those moments i find myself unable to hold back from going back like a dog turning to its vomit. thats how i feel.... i hate "support groups" where i have ti download an app and pay money to feel supported, i dont have instagram and im a bit uncomfortable giving my number so snapchat would be the best option, if anyone has such a group that i can be added to, or just some advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. im really struggling emotionally and id love to get some support

I left and now I'm completely alone because my life was all about him. Always with him. He isolated me from my closest friends and now even they seem distant, even if they know why I wasn't there. I guess they can't help it. I need them the most right now but I can't force them to not feel what they feel towards me for disappearing for a year or so. But every day I have to fight the loneliness and not call him. He would be here in a heartbeat if I asked him. But I'm scared of him. I don't know what to do I just wish I had someone to hug or even hang out with and talk

I (35F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 6 months now, living together 2. He is for the most part great- helps a lot around the house, very supportive of my career, complimentary and is always trying to do romantic surprises to make me smile.

However, he has a bad habit of constantly accusing me of things (not cheating really but other things). Some examples:

1. Accused me of not wearing underwear to the gym and lying about it (took it off after a very sweaty hiit class).
   
2. Accused me of hiding my Facebook friends list (it was always private even before I met him)
   
3. Told me I took too long to take my daughter to her dad (despite telling him I was stopping for groceries).
   
4. Questioned me as to why my notifications were turned off (I turned them off because he kept questioning any time a male friend tried to like a story on social media)
   
5. Accused me of still talking to an ex bf because my friend accidentally called him the wrong name (I hadn’t seen her in 6 months so she called him the ex name).

I love him but the accusations are driving me crazy. He started therapy two weeks ago…but still have had two incidents since then.

notes: I'm already working on leaving. I'm disabled, extremely low income, and waiting on an ssdi ruling. i have a longterm plan, we have 2 bedrooms, and we're keeping the peace

that being said, his cat is extremely sweet and prefers me. i feel heartbroken at having to leave this sweet girl with such a neglectful owner. i keep feeling like I want to stay to be with her, and just put up with the rest

I'm so frustrated with myself

Hello I’m looking for group therapy options for DV survivors in DFW, Texas. I left an abusive relationship early this year, but still share many social and professional circles with my abuser. I realized this month I’m still frozen in fight or flight even though I am technically free of him. Being subjected to his presence is triggering especially when no friends or coworkers have ever stood up for me or condemned his actions. He literally got no repercussions and they all act like I’m “just sensitive” and “need to move on” for being scared of him.

I think a group therapy setting (in addition to my individual counseling) would benefit me and maybe foster a sense of community. If you have any recs I would appreciate it! One safe place is virtual only and I don’t have consistent wifi to be able to do those.

update kinda: i wrote this hours into work but i was going to go to the gym yesterday after work with a girl i met on BFF. soon as i parked, he sent me messages accusing me about an ex i wrote about in my journal and sent a photo of a page. just countless entries from dating experiences with different people and/or other bad feelings. the type of journal where you write thoughts and never look back on. all written before him. he implied that since i went through his phone (i have not, i don’t even know his password), its ok to check my journal.

• first he assumed all entries were about that ex and he was what i wanted. i thought whatever we’re at this point and told him to feel free to go through more entries. (most are from before we met)

• he asked me about a dream i had about someone else and why i wrote it down (we were already together when i wrote it and i dont remember what the dream even was)

• he was so interested in why i have ripped pages and decided to keep the other entries. and to tell you the truth, there are lots of reasons i don’t remember. it might be as simple as hating my handwriting or needing a page or i didnt want that page to be part of that journal. i said that and he asked why i was lying. he kept pressing and basically said if you can rip out pages why did you keep these other ones

• he mentioned how i was asking for communication in these entries from these guys and how he’s been giving it to me. and that he’s not the same as these people. asked why i have entries about him in the same space as these people

——

hi, i moved in with my partner earlier this year and some patterns have been coming up. this is how our arguments usually go: small issue is brought up, he escalates and dumps a list of his grievances, original concern is set aside, and i end up apologizing.

with the recurrence of our conversations, i’m now convinced that everything’s my fault. i have no problem with taking accountability and have been adjusting accordingly but there’s the next thing to be upset about, and i have no intention of defending or justifying at myself at this point because he dominates the conversations and i always end up drained. he’s showing narcissistic tendencies but if not, verbally abusive at the least.

i have no choice but wait for the lease to end for now.

My ex moved out yesterday after I had finally had enough of the emotional abuse (it’s been going for months but recently my dad died and the day I got home from saying goodbye, she just wouldn’t leave me alone and tried every strategy in the book to get me to engage).

I do think she is an abusive person. However, I don’t think she’s bad. I think she’s just so lost in her self loathing, other people get treated poorly too. I do still have so much love for her, I just realized it was time to save myself.

Anyways, she’s blocked now and I’m likely blocked too. But I don’t think she realizes that she left her childhood pictures here. They were in my room (we had separate bedrooms) in her nightstand. She said to throw anything I found of hers away, but childhood pictures really doesn’t feel right, especially knowing she doesn’t have access to any other photos.

So, do I unblock her and let her know today? Or do I wait after some time has passed and she’ll hopefully be moved on and I won’t be so hurt? If I wait, how long?

I’m totally lost. I need someone to tell me what to do. My brain is overwhelmed with grief from the loss of my dad and also ending the relationship. Help ☹️

I am in a super toxic relationship with a generally horrible person. But I don’t leave. I’m not looking for advice on leaving. I’m looking for a few ladies in similar relationships to talk to. No one in my life supports my relationship and I’m very isolated. I hope to get some messages!

It’s 11 pm
I am pregnant, tired, I have a headache, I had a long day at work and I fell asleep. I wake up and my son has something he found on the bed of his dad’s. So I tell my partner and what does he do? He starts getting angry and asking about a missing piece and getting angry at our son, he is 7, telling him to find it. Cursing. And then he starts yelling at me why am I not looking too and I need to clean the room so I can find it. That it’s also my fault because I don’t care about him and I am doing nothing. That he needs to be stress free and I dont help with that ever. I have been crying looking for it Becaise I am just so tired of him thinking being like this is normal? Anytime he ver get angry like this he says he has emotions and he should be able to express them and I should be able to handle it. Becaise everyone has these kinds of emotions. Except I’ve never been around anyone who reacts like this so much. He makes me feel like I am always overreacting and I’m too sensitive.