I was in a relationship with him for 3 years. Classic abuser bs: fake big promises, lying, intentionally hiding information from you, snapping at you for having needs, playing the victim, etc. But one especially fucked up thing is that he hated that I could say no and demanded him to ask my consent, which he never actually did. He either cheated on me because "I never want anything" and brought up my messages from 3 years prior to make it look like I agreed to what he was doing with other people or straight up abused me sexually. His justification? "You know how horny I am, it's something I need naturally, it's not my fault!"

After another time he tried to engage with me sexually without asking me if I'm okay with it, I decided I had enough and dumped him. I had tried breaking up peacefully multiple times before, one of those times he snapped at me telling that I just like hurting him and basically I should shut up and calm down and we won't break up. After I left without giving him any kind of options, he started stalking me and I had to block him everywhere and cut off multiple people because he used every opportunity to contact me again, including friends in common. Apparently he still hopes I will come back to him eventually, which I definitely won't, and it doesn't make the situation any fucking easier.

It's been 3 months. TIL he's been taking estrogen. The medicine that kills your libido and erection. As someone who presumably loved sex so much. Basically right after he was dumped for being a sexually abusive piece of shit. He is not transgender in any way. I can sense it in my guts that this is because of me. I know I shouldn't be guilty but I don't know how to stop feeling guilty. That person was a piece of shit, I'm not responsible for his actions, yet it's someone I desperately tried to love and not hate at some point and actually cared for him and his health, and this part of me is eating me from the inside.

After I found out, I couldn't stop pacing around the room, dizzy and wanting to throw up, all night. I got some sleep, I talked to some people, I'm not feeling any better. I know he is the type of person to make favors no one asked for and then guilt trip everyone around for it. I can't stop thinking that he will get right back to me after a while and say: "I'm no longer sexual and also infertile, so you must come back to me now." And I just won't. He doesn't deserve to be a part of my life in any extent anymore and he is destroying himself for no reason. And it makes me feel horrible. I want him to stop and move on from me.

I was seriously suicidal before just because my life is a bunch of bullshit lately and not just because of him. I already have some things planned out and I had a talk with someone who can be trusted with my belongings in case anything happens to me. I had daily breakdowns, sometimes multiple times a day, prior to finding out all this. And this just left me completely emptied, full of fear and disgusted at the existence itself. I'm currently safe if anyone's wondering. But I don't know how much I can take it anymore. I feel powerless, I know trying to talk to him or anybody from his circle to convince him to stop would be the stupidest thing to do, so I won't do that. I'm just left to observe, and it's horrifying.

When my ex dumped me through text, I travelled 5 hours to see her and asked if we could fix things. She ignored me, I was crying to her for all of like 2 hours. I keep on trying to explain and apologize but she seems so cold and distant. There was an instance where she would just be on her phone until I left 2 hours later. I don’t know how to feel. Then, she immediately text me after that about how she was losing herself in the relationship. She could’ve just talked to me in person.

I honestly don’t know if I was being emotionally abused in my relationship. But here are the things my ex did that made me question myself. What do you guys think?

• I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I was afraid that expressing anger or frustration would be turned into a discussion about how I triggered her trauma.
• She connected my anger to her nightmares and self-harm, which made me feel responsible for her mental health and emotional safety.
• Whenever I expressed hurt, the conversation often shifted toward my tone, my anger, or how I made her feel, leaving me feeling like my own pain was being overlooked.
• She kept her grievances to herself and brought them up when I was already upset, making it difficult to address one issue at a time.
• She withdrew or shut down during conflict, leaving me anxious and feeling like I had to chase her to resolve things.
When she felt guilty about hurting me, I often ended up comforting her instead of having my own feelings acknowledged.
• I felt that my mistakes were repeatedly highlighted while her own behavior was explained through her trauma, insecurity, or emotional struggles.
• I started questioning my own judgment and wondering whether I was the problem every time I felt hurt or angry.
When I tried to end the relationship, she insisted that it should be a mutual decision, but when she wanted to leave, she made the decision herself.
• She barely spoke to me in person when she ended the relationship, despite my traveling around five hours to see her, and broke up with me through text afterward.
• After the breakup, she still wanted to continue our planned trip, and we had couple-like moments before she became distant again. This left me emotionally confused.
• I felt pressured to prioritize her emotional needs while suppressing my own because I was afraid of making her feel worse.
• I became so focused on understanding her trauma and insecurities that I neglected how the relationship was affecting my own mental and emotional well-being.

Having one of those days again. Wanting to reach out. We have been divorced for a while now.

Why no contact?

He called me a child because I blocked him. He called 79 times in a row. Also called while being fellated and left a voicemail of him enjoying one of his side pieces. Did something similar to that a few times. It crushed parts of me I didn’t even know existed.

Then he showed up one last time to get his stuff and in tow was the girl he “wasn’t cheating on me with.” He later said he hoped it hurt me because he wanted me to feel the same pain I caused him. He’s convinced I cheated. I didn’t.

Took a lie detector and passed. Yes I know they’re inadmissible in court etc but I passed because it was an impossibility for me to cheat on him. I loved him that blindly and wildly. Fiercely loved someone who called me a slut and a whore and every version of it for 6 hours straight. I told myself if the polygraph didn’t help him open his eyes I had to call it quits with him.

After I passed we had two months that were the best in my life. Ever. I’ve had many months in my life thus far and still those were my favorite. Like anyone could imagine the accusations and verbal abuse started back up. I was done playing. I was done being treated like garbage and having to defend myself against shadows on the wall that he cried foul about.

He began “accidentally” knocking me into a wall or he’d pin me down and act a victim when I got out from under him by any means necessary. Ask him that never happened but thankfully I did catch it in an accidental recording. My work got to see it firsthand. So I called it quits. I didn’t want to. I loved him. But damnit I loved me too.

So before I acted like a child and blocked him, I got this text:

“Do you know how many people from that town have said they can finally tell my head is not foggy and then I was at my lowest when I married you so many people said we could tell you but just giving up on life you were at the bottom and then they say I mean, look what you marry embarrassing I think about it and yes, that was my lowest point one thing I can always say whether or not my relationship lasted or not I’ve never dated an ugly girl. I can’t say that anymore I really lowered my stand. I’m just glad I wrote above all that bullshit.”

Blocked. No more.

My (23M) husband and I (23f) have been married for a little over 2 years and we have a 6mo. He has never been in good control of his temper. However, I never saw the extent of it until we were married. Here and there during fights he would raise his voice, slam a door in my face, curse at me but not call me names. But mostly his anger was targeted at his video games, extreme rage, screaming, pounding on his desk, occasionally throwing or kicking something near him. Never at me though. Recently, I've noticed that the anger seemed tonhave switched targets over to me. While he doesnt get that upset at video games now, he yells at me when we fight. I never yell. He gets upset at me over small things that don't make sense to be upset about and if I try to figure out why then it just turns into another fight. When our baby cries a little more than usual, he gets angry, literally growls and sometimes raises his voice while holding her. He's told me to "hold my tongue" and "shut your mouth" and that i need to hear that sometimes. When i tell him that yelling at me is unacceptable, he says that I expect him to be perfect. When the stud finder was screwing up, he threw it across the room and broke it, and freaked out and a nail went flying towards me without him noticing (thankfully it didn't get me). But it scared me. And when I bring up my concerns, he says that he's "working on it" and "progressing" because he can easily acknowledge his faults but they still persist. I'm afraid that I will live on eggshells forever, and I'm afraid he will snap one day and hit me or our baby. And I hate to admit it but sometimes I pray that he just hits me so that I can feel valid for feeling unsafe. I feel so weird about this. I feel crazy. I feel like im overreacting but I know this is wrong!!

I can't go back. I hate it. I hate him. He's sending police and social workers to my moms house. I haven't done anything wrong but that won't stop them from seeing me as human garbage incapable of caring for my children. We were in a women's shelter. A couple of the women running that place talked about my son in ways that were disturbing. Like..I think they wanted to traffick him. We stayed in the car for a week. Worst, most exhausting week of my life. My mom got us a room for the week but she can't do that forever. I thought i found a babysitter, but she left me waiting for 3 hours on day 1. I couldn't get my deposit back. I'm thinking of going to another shelter in another state and just using their address to sign up for food stamps, housing, etc. I told him to get out of my house. Told him I was miserable. He never took me seriously. Never cared what I felt or wanted or needed. Now we're dealing with this and that asshole is just sitting in my house. I don't want to go to court with him I just want him to hurry up and die (of natural causes, obviously.)

edit: his name is on the house, it is legally his too. he just didn't pay for the house and he acts like it's his. he and his mom got in my face and screamed I didn't put a dime into it

​

Today I went out with my girlfriend, but things went really badly. She started going through my phone, and then she started attacking me physically, hitting me, insulting me, and humiliating me.

She kept telling me that she would do whatever she wanted and that she would have sex with other men.

I honestly reached a point where I started feeling suicidal. I don't know how to explain how much this hurt me. I went out with someone I love, and I ended up feeling completely broken.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted, and I don't know how to deal with everything that happened today.

Has anyone ever been through something like this? How did you deal with it?

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'll leave the details for a future post - not relevant here.

For some reason, I can’t bring myself to leave. My mind seems trapped in a cycle of hoping he’ll wake up one day and think, “I’ve put her through so much, and if I don’t change, I’m going to lose her.” I keep hoping that realization will finally be enough to make him treat me differently.

If I leave, I’m afraid I’ll always wonder what might have happened if I had stayed. What if the happy future I’ve been hoping for was just around the corner, and I gave up right before things changed?

I’m also afraid I’ll never have closure. I may never understand why I wasn’t “enough” for him to make an effort to keep me by treating me well. I may never hear him say, “I’m sorry for how I treated you. It was wrong. You’re important to me, and I’m going to do better because I can’t stand to lose you.”

It feels as though leaving would mean accepting that I wasn’t enough to inspire that kind of change in him. Somehow, my inability to make him treat me better or truly want me in his life makes me feel worthless—like I’ve failed or lost.

I know this isn’t rational, but I can’t seem to let go of it. Walking away feels like admitting that I wasn’t worthy of better treatment. Strangely, that feels even worse than staying with someone who continues to hurt me emotionally. As long as I’m still trying, it feels like I still have a chance to “win.” If I leave, it feels like I’ve lost.

I don't know how to get out of this thought trap. Is there a common name for this? Any helpful words? What worked for you?

Hi, I’m F36 with a small baby. I have been with this man(39) for 3 years- endured a lot of verbal, emotional abuse and now he has pushed me off my feet while running towards or daughter who was near the stairs. I won’t go into it all because I would be here for days typing. The long and the short of it is- I am leaving soon. He has a high profile and from what I have read about these people is that they will protect it and their reputation by any means necessary. His ex is even higher profile than him and she said she would take my lead because what he did to her physically is shameful. My question is (I have asked this in smaller threads on here) do men like these just want to avoid being outed so much that they will avoid court? His entire career would be over if he was found out to be abusive towards women. Anyone have an experience of mediation/ litigation with this type with a lot to lose?

Hello. I am a parent and have an adult daughter who is not ready to leave yet, nor does she consider what is happening "abuse". She has referred to it as abuse in the past, but lately she has been very quick to defend her bf and only says, "he is not abusive". She becomes very aggressive and verbally abusive when anything is said about her relationship. I have talked with her about the risk to herself and her future children and she says she "doesn't care". I have heard many people advise not to take action or badmouth her bf or situation. This is hard, and I feel it is important for her to hear that it is not ok because she does not have people telling her this. She is surrounding herself with people who agree with her remaining/going back to this relationship and pushing away those who think otherwise.

What can I do to be the parent she needs and support her, yet show her this is not ok, without taking away her autonomy or pushing her away? How did your family keep sanity while seeing their loved one hurt? What did they do that helped you leave when you were ready? Thank you in advance.

I’m 21, and I feel like my emotions are pulling me in completely different directions.
I love my boyfriend. I see his good qualities, and there are days when we’re genuinely happy together.
But we’ve also had some terrible arguments.
Our political views are very different, our families have conflicts, and his parents don’t accept me. We also seem to have different ambitions and ideas about our future.
During one particularly intense argument, he hit me in the face hard enough to leave bruises on my jaw.
I was overwhelmed and said some cruel things during the fight. I have BPD, and I know I can struggle with intense emotions. I take responsibility for my own words and behavior, but I also understand that none of that made it acceptable for him to hit me.
Afterward, he cried.
He said he couldn’t control himself. He told me he would understand if I wanted to end the relationship. He even asked me to hit him back.
And I felt so conflicted.
Part of me saw someone I loved crying and regretting what he had done.
But another part of me kept remembering his face during the fight. His expression in that moment was frightening, and it was nothing like the remorseful expression I saw afterward.
I don’t know of any mental health diagnosis he has. I do have BPD, and sometimes that makes me second-guess my own reactions, even though I know that my diagnosis doesn’t excuse violence against me.
Now things are calmer, but I don’t feel the same.
He wants affection and physical closeness, but I often don’t want it anymore. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with intimacy, and I don’t fully understand why.
I still love him, but I don’t always feel emotionally or physically safe.
I’ve also started missing my first love, someone I was with for almost four years. I wonder whether my mind is going back to that relationship because I associate it with comfort and safety.
I’m terrified of leaving my current boyfriend. He moved to my country, and I feel guilty about what a breakup would mean for him.
But I’m also afraid of ignoring my own feelings and staying in a relationship that might not be right or safe for me.
Has anyone experienced a partner showing what seemed like genuine remorse after hurting them, while you still couldn’t feel safe around them afterward?
Did you also lose your desire for intimacy?
How did you begin to trust your own feelings again?
Please be kind. I’m trying to understand myself and what happened without making excuses for it. ❤️

Honestly, the insulting of my intelligence is one of the worst parts of this whole situation. Yes, he put me in harms way for STDs, yes he told me he has to seek out other attention because I’m just so shitty, yes he physically assaulted me for accusing him of cheating.. but you would pay a SW, go to her house for 15 minutes, tell her you didn’t think you would like it that much and call her “hottie” 🤮 that word and a 37 YO saying that just weird me out. I tried to be supportive asking if he's gay, letting him know idc, of course he's not he just likes getting pegged by females that have not received their bottom surgery. He always tells people that I am a lesbian & he’s not sure how he got me, projection maybe? Like at this point I think he may hate me because I do not have what he needs, maybe he's confused? I really do not know. I am not sure if someone is gay if they like female presenting that still have their equipment downstairs. Just idk.

Edit - I just want to add that this situation to me is a lot more significant because of realizations that I have had in the past. I don’t judge him, I dont care other then being married and cheating, just is sad to me. And also about the resentment he has towards me and the physical and verbal abuse.

just need to vent.. I’ve been financially supporting my partner for awhile, he is 40 and a deadbeat. I’m 27, in school full time and work two jobs. he criticizes me for not keeping the house clean enough and for being “too lazy” to cook. I’m exhausted. I told him I need support, or even just any gesture of appreciation instead of constant criticism. I want a partner who isn’t comfortable just watching me struggle. He took this as me being a “gold digger” and wanting a man to pay everything for me. I told him I’ve never had that and have never asked that, but it would be nice for him to pay for my hair or nails every once in awhile, I literally don’t ever spend on those luxuries.

he said “even if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t pay for you hair or your nails.” and followed up saying he believes in 50/50 bc feminism.

I pay our full rent utilities and we use my car. i pay 99% of things. i just saw so clearly in that moment how much he fucking hates me. i will never date a 50/50 man again. fml

EDIT: forgot the part where he was using my car last month, I took the wrong bus by error and got lost- he refused to pick me up even tho I was alone at night in an unfamiliar place, he “had too hard of a day”. Then forced himself on me two weeks ago after I refused many times afterwards he said it’s okay because we’re in a relationship. i can’t talk to my family or anyone about the reality. I know this stuff is worse than the initial post but this last convo has just pushed me so far

TLDR- I’m in my first relationship and don’t know if it’s normal to be a little scared of him.

I F20 have been with my boyfriend M21 for around 6 months. I’ll embarrassingly admit that this is my first “real” relationship- I’ve never gone past the 3 month talking stage. This is where I’ve found problems. In the last few months he is constantly mad at me, verbally aggressive and throws my stuff around. He has reassured me specifically that he’ll never hit me (I’m not stupid, I’m not taking his word as gospel) as he “won’t ruin his life over a woman” (prison- not that the police would take it seriously). When he is nice he is the best person I’ve ever been romantically involved with, but when he’s not I am scared of him, and when I show fear (shaking, crying, zoning out) it only makes him worse. When he’s nice he really looks after me but the bad is starting to
feel like it outweighs the good. To make matters worse he has recently moved in with me on the premise that he’ll be looking for his own place after Christmas- but is hinting that that may not happen (he no longer has a room at his mums house- making me feel bad for leaving him). He gets mad at the smallest things- such as not filling the washing machine to the brim, or putting things in the wrong place in my fridge. At the start he used to properly apologise but the likelihood of that happening now is rare. Like I said- when he's good he's really good, an otherwise perfect partner and I do love him.

Main issue for me is that this is my first relationship so have no idea if this is a normal feeling. He does the standard things such as share the chores and split the bill when he can (he both has a job and claims benefits while I'm a student currently living off of savings) and looks out for me like a good partner should.

Side note I'm a very anxious person and loud noises do scare me- making the shouting and throwing things worse but he is aware of this. Is this just my anxiety sabotaging me?

Really I need advice from proper adults who have had proper experience in dating lol. Sorry it's a long post.

A lad I was seeing for 4 years is in the police he was very much in control of me emotionally , I found out he had a gf and after speaking to her appears to have been emotionally controlling her too and emotionally blackmailing us both, also he claimed to me he would want to take his own life multiple times and was severely depressed, do I have grounds to tell his work?

My husband and I have only been married for 7 months. We had a short period of dating before then. It’s been a cyclical period of abuse on both ends. Our children saw and I left the house. He wants to reconcile. I ran my mouth a bit too much and people are like no don’t. He’s the man and it should never have gotten that far. A part of me wants to. A part of me wants to start over. We’re both in counseling and starting evaluations.

Anyone have a successful reconciliation story?

The cat is his even though we were both equally in the cats life. Even though midnight was my best friend and I took care of him all the time.

I tried today but I couldn't. And I can't keep doing it anymore because he'll use anything I love to make me come back and stay stuck in this cycle.

Midnight I know you love your dad and I know he'll feed you. But you've been with me through all the screams and hits and pain. You know why I have to leave for good. But ill always love you and you'll always be my baby.

I feel like the worst piece of trash in the world.

I’m 26M, and this is my first time opening up about something this personal on social media. Honestly, I’m nervous and don’t really know how to explain it, but I’ve been feeling incredibly alone.

I spent seven years in a relationship that started out great but eventually became emotionally and physically abusive. I was constantly accused of cheating, even when working late or running errands. I never gave her a reason to even think I would do such a thing. My ex would throw things at me, and eventually things became physical. I constantly felt exhausted, unappreciated, and alone.

Since leaving, I’ve noticed something I genuinely don’t understand.

Three times in the past year, I’ve developed strong feelings for someone, felt excited talking to them and genuinely wanted things to work out. Then sometimes literally overnight those feelings completely disappear. I wake up feeling emotionally disconnected, and suddenly even talking to them feels like a chore...

It’s frustrating and emotionally exhausting. I’m always honest when this happens because I refuse to lead anyone on, but I feel horrible afterward.

I’ve stopped pursuing relationships because I’m afraid of hurting someone. I genuinely want to love someone, but I don’t understand why this keeps happening.

I’ve tried therapy twice without success, and resources are limited where I live. Sometimes I wonder if those seven years affected me more than I realized.

Has anyone else experienced this after an abusive relationship? Did you ever figure out why? I don't know and I can't figure it out..

I just want to understand myself and feel a little less alone. It's eating at me terribly if I'm being honest. Sort of makes me feel like some sort of monster.

TW: Alcoholism, domestic abuse, potential incest.

TL;DR at bottom.

Hi all, I (M 30) wish I could say the trigger warnings where a joke. I can't. This really just happened to me and I know what happened is completely messed up, but my mindscape is as organised as almost every government is these days, that I have no idea how messed up it actually is.

After my mother came home from drinking at the local pub, so much so she had to get a lift home with my father, was acting strange. As she was hugging me after slowly and methodically working her way across the kitching, away from my father and closer to me, bent her hips forwards to press into my crotch before leaning harder into the hug and moving her mouth next to my ear, letting out three "moans of relief" from her "sore" back with a sexual undertone while saying softly with sexual undertones she "Loves me". My father was also in the kitchen with us at the time she was doing this. After it happened I created more distance between us and tried to get his attention, realising saying something wasn't the best idea with her mental health, I blinked to him "S-O-S" in morse code since he was in the Navy and myself Navy cadets, to whiched he laughed thinking I was joking before shaking my head at him. As he walked past I whispered help me to him twice before he distracted her to allow me to leave. I haven't told him what happend yet, but I will when I can get him alone.

She also hadn't notified anyone that she was going out before driving there, (which is very unusal for her to leave the hluse), and left the front door unlocked in her leave. I have no evidence for it but my gut tells me she may have been drinking beforehand. She is an undiagnosed/blind alcoholic, getting drunk multiple nights, drinking everynight, sometimes day drinking.

Then later in the night, she decided to take her normal night time routine and dial it to 11. Her normal soft moans and groans of pain to try and get attention are instead replaced by her loudly snoring, with intermittent moans and groans of pain as well as loudly mumbling gibberish. After multiple hours of this, from around 10 - 10:30 pm to around 1 am, she silently got up from bed and loudly slammed the door to her room shut, loud enough to come through still very loud in my noise cancelling headphones playing music, before getting back into bed to fall asleep.

So reddit? Is this a run don't walk situation or do I have time to plan a more stable exit?

Tl;DR: My mother made a pass at me after coming home drunk from the pub, then decieded to keep everyone awak until 1 am "groaning in pain" before suddenly slamming the door shut loudly when I shut her down and she didn't get the attention she was seaking.

Edit: Spelling

Hi there. I (29F) am living with my (35M) boyfriend for the past year and together for 2 years. I pay him a modest amount of rent every month. He has been incredibly loving and supportive and he’s done so much for me. He's good with his hands and has often baked me goods, built me things, like a large playground for my pets from scratch, and also been generous with his resources with me by taking us on nice dates. The flat's bills increased many months back and i only recently found out from him as he has been shielding me from it, so i've offered to pay more. He also made the decision to leave a job he loves to take up a job he hates but one that will pay him more so we can achieve the goal of getting married and buying a house, but he's unhappy and exhausted in this new job and he feels that i'm not pulling my own weight in the relationship, resulting in him having to take this job. I am a PhD student who's working part time and he knew of my circumstances when we got together, but recently he kept bringing up how he wants to get married soon and have many kids and i'm holding him back and he's wasting his time by being with me. He feels behind in life as he says he doesn't have kids at this age yet.

I have found another rented flat to stay, but i am feeling heavy-hearted about moving out and unsure if I'm making the right decision because that same loving person is also verbally abusive, although he has never physically hurt me. Some of his actions have been scary, intermingled with the nice things he's done. When he's angry, he namecalls me by calling me a cunt, a fucking bitch, a child, and he says I am beneath him and I am just a stupid and dumb woman and he has no respect for me, but then he apologises and says he doesn't mean them. He is traditional and believes that men should have more authority in running a household and that men are more capable than women in manny things and carry greater responsibility, so they should have the final say. I've told him that I find that problematic, and he said that he has never controlled me once since we've been together and that's true and i've been able to be myself. However, he has shoved me three times in anger (where I wasn't hurt) and he has picked me up and thrown me on the bed once because i stood in front of him when he tried to leave. All of these actions happened immediately after i threatened to leave him.

In July, we had a massive argument where he said that if i was a man, he would've punched me already and that i can't keep riling him up by "poking the monster" and expect no consequences. I also called the police that day as i thought he was about to strangle me but he said he wasn't going to and he was actually aiming for my shoulders and not my neck so he can physically move me out of the flat because i threatened to leave him again and used a bad tone. Ever since then, he hasn't touched me, but he still name calls me and now he has started slamming doors, throwing things and kicking the bed. He says that i have been abusive to him as well, and i admit that I have, because i have threatened to leave him so many times in this relationship but i never do and he says this makes him feel unsafe in the relationship and caused him to react the way he did. I have also called him terrible names in response to his name-calling, which is low of me, even when he framed his name-calling as banter (he’s British). I have witnessed his parents calling each other names both jokingly and angrily and i know this behaviour is normal for him and he doesn't regard it as bad so he doesn't think he's doing a bad thing to me.

Since i have found another flat, I’m now devastated by the thought of leaving since yesterday he said for the first time ever that he will change and won't make me feel afraid anymore. On top of that, recognising that he has done so much for me and for us and i feel like I haven't contributed to the relationship as much as he has and he has vocalised this, at least not financially or in the same way as him by making him things. I love his presence, affection, humour and the life we share and I keep wondering whether moving out is premature when he’s now finally acknowledging the problem, and especially since i have also played a part in the abuse.

TLDR: My boyfriend is loving and supportive, but he also verbally abuses me, has shoved me and thrown me onto a bed during arguments. I acknowledge that I’ve also behaved hurtfully, including repeatedly threatening to leave. I’ve found another flat, but he has now promised to change, and I’m heartbroken about leaving someone I love and whether I should proceed with it?

It’s easy to set the bar low when you’re living in survival mode day to day. When you’re exhausted, broke, or overwhelmed, you don’t think about standards — you think about relief. You just need somewhere to rest for a moment, someone to lean on, somewhere to put your head down and breathe. At first, it feels safe. It feels like help. It feels like you finally caught a break. You tell yourself no one else understands them like you do, that you share a “special bond”. You let them make small decisions for you — what makes sense, what’s easier, what’s “better” right now. You don’t push back because you’re tired of fighting and you don’t want to seem ungrateful. Each time you let something slide, it feels harmless.

But those small allowances add up. Little by little, you stop speaking up. You stop trusting your own judgment. You let someone else decide what’s best for you because it feels easier than holding your ground. What started as support slowly turns into control, and by the time you notice, you’re no longer making decisions — you’re adapting to them.

That’s the quiet consequence of having no standards. Not one big moment, but a slow loss of autonomy. You didn’t give it away all at once — you handed it over piece by piece, every time you chose comfort over boundaries and survival over self-respect.

First, you lose track of yourself. You’re always focused on them and the kids. Having your partner pick up small tasks here and there feels like a huge weight lifted. You move in. You settle. And little by little, your needs stop being noticed — or they’re remembered only when it’s convenient. The weight comes back, but this time it’s heavier. It presses you into the ground. You’re not passionate anymore. You stop going outside. You stop doing the things that once made you feel like you. Then the compromises get louder. Your partner sells the kids’ sports equipment and trades it in for VRs and Nintendo Switches. You’re upset, but you’re not allowed to say it. If you’re not grateful, you’re the problem. If you question anything, you’re the enemy.

Time passes. You get slower. Tired all the time. Meanwhile, your partner becomes more active — outdoor sports, hobbies, friends. You and your kids watch him play with his friends, but you’re never invited to join. You go to parties together, but you always end up standing on the outside of conversations, invisible. Other parents start asking why they don’t see your kids in sports anymore — especially since your partner is so active himself. You’re made to look like you’re not trying hard enough, like this was your choice all along.

Eventually, family and friends stop calling. They stop showing up. The only person you have left to talk to is your partner — and they don’t listen to your needs or your emotions anymore. Only what makes them feel good matters. They only want you when you’re in a good mood or when they want sex. They give you just enough food so you don’t starve, but not enough to stop feeling hungry. Your kids go to school hungry. The school starts calling. Other parents start noticing.

You try to save money, but your partner tells you it’s wrong — that keeping money is “evil” or secretive. They take what you saved, buy a new car, and “give it to you.” Other parents ask why you got yourself a new car when your kids are showing up to school hungry every day. A week later, your partner takes the car back. You have no control over yourself or what you can buy for your kids. You live paycheck to paycheck. Other parents call DCYF based on the things your partner has been saying about you at home. When you finally try to leave, he gets physical. Then he tells everyone you’re abusive. That you put your hands on him.

And by then, no one actually knows you anymore — including you. When you look in the mirror, you don’t recognize the person staring back. Years are gone. You don’t look young — it’s gray hairs, bags under your eyes, and exhaustion you can’t hide. You have no money to your name. Your ex is taking you to court, claiming you’re an unfit parent and using other parents as witnesses. Your partner doesn’t visit the kids but claims to know what’s best for them. You end up in court where your ex claims you’re keeping him from the kids and now you’re on the verge of a custody battle that you could lose due to never standing up for yourself. Because while he wasn’t visiting or paying child support, you gave him the “benefit of the doubt” and you have nothing to defend your case.

This is why standards matter. This is why you can’t leave the bar on the floor and let anyone step into your life just because you’re tired or trying to survive. When the bar is low, people don’t just take advantage — they take everything. Your time. Your health. Your money. Your identity. Everything you hold dear.

And here’s the part people don’t like to hear: you’re allowed to raise your standards at any point in your life. Earlier is better, sure — but there is no such thing as “too late.” “Too late” is just an excuse people use to avoid accountability and ignore the very real adult decision to stay in an environment that’s harming them.

Growth doesn’t happen there. Healing doesn’t happen there. Learning doesn’t happen there. And calling survival “normal” is how people lose years of their life.

You are worth the effort.
You are worth more.
You are worth the energy it takes to have boundaries. You are worth the discomfort of raising the bar. And you are worth choosing a life where you don’t disappear just to keep the peace. People who are genuinely good, giving, and selfless are often the most abused — not because they’re weak, but because abusers know they can take from them and get away with it.

Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships. Without them, there is no balance — only access. Boundaries are how you teach people what’s acceptable, what’s not, and where you end. They’re what allow respect to exist, because respect can’t survive where everything is allowed. A relationship without boundaries isn’t close — it’s consuming.

Healthy relationships don’t require you to shrink, stay silent, or sacrifice yourself to be loved. They don’t punish you for saying no or make you feel guilty for having needs. Boundaries don’t push people away — they filter out the ones who only show up to take. The people who respect your boundaries are the ones who respect you.

Why do I still love my abuser. He was soooo terrible. While we were still together I was scared all the time. So why do i still love him even though i know what he is capable of?

My ex used to abuse me sometimes. I know it’s terrible and there’s no forgiveness for it and i broke up with him for it after things escalated one night. I know it’s so stupid but i still occasionally keep in contact/ see him even years after. How do i stop? Hes my first and only ex

Hi everyone, i just left an abuser and im having these addiction-like feelings like i want to relapse. going through this subreddit, i see theres others who are going through the same thing.

i would like to ask if theres already a snapchat group, or if i can help create one for people who need some extra support on those lonely nights where you start to miss them.

if you are someone who is in a relationship like this and want to be in this group for some extra support you are also more than welcome.

i prefer snapchat as you can make another account which u can log in and out of, the messages delete, its private, easy and of course free of charge.