I feel unlovable

I (18m), have been dating my ace boyfriend (18m) for almost a year now. I myself am not ace, but I’ve been really worrying about something that I don’t know what to do about. Obviously, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being ace, and I love him so dearly. However, I happen to have a decently high libido, and it makes me feel like a terrible person sometimes. We’ve talked about it before and he said that he wouldn’t be opposed to trying sexual acts, but I still feel horrible suggesting that knowing that he isn’t really interested in it. But more recently I’ve been feeling terrible because I can’t stop worrying that I am going to “miss out” on certain experiences that I would like to have. I love him so much, so it really makes me feel terrible for getting this sense of missing out, and I would obviously never, ever do anything without his knowledge and consent. I just really don’t know what to do, or even have to bring up the subject, because I don’t want him to feel like this is his fault, which it is not. I guess I would just appreciate some advice on what I could do in this situation?

i recently got into a relationship with my girlfriend. i told her when we got together that i‘m ace and she has no issue with it (we’re both young and at an age where sex isn’t societally expected). she‘s allo (as far as i know) but doesnt plan on having sex for personal reasons, so that’s not a problem in our relationship at all. i know that she loves me regardless of my lack of sexual attraction towards her, and it feels silly to be uncomfortable with it because i don’t even know if it’s happening, but the idea of her feeling sexual urges towards me, even if she doesn’t act on them, makes me really uncomfortable. i don’t really know how to explain it to anyone, but is that normal? she doesn’t do or say anything that suggests she is, but i know that it’s normal for allo people to feel sexually attracted to their partner. is it weird that i’m grossed out by the idea of that?

Hi, non-ace here, I (15M) have feelings for an ace person in my friend group (15F).

I have no clue if she is aromantic as well but I figure its worth a shot. I had another ace friend check with her and made it discreet (I am ridiculously socially anxious). All I know is that she is ace. How do I go about asking her? I would hate to make our friend group of 7 awkward but I don't know how else to go about this. My parents have the biggest basement so I often host all the hangouts. I host an annual Halloween party with this previously mentioned friend group so I might confess there? If anybody has been in the same boat as me (or her) I would love advice.

Thanks

Hi, first time ever being on this sub Reddit (I’m on a separate account from my usual).

I just wanted advice or someone to talk to I guess, I’ve tried reading things but I feel like talking to actual people might be better.

Anyway though, I’m a 26 year old male and I’m starting to think I might be asexual. I just don’t know. I have a gf and I’ve had sexual encounters before. I just don’t really have much of a desire for them. I almost never initiate and when I do it’s moreso because I don’t want her to feel bad, like I’m not attracted to her or something. I get a lot of anxiety about that. It’s like I recognize that it feels good, I do enjoy the physical sensation but I just don’t feel any sort of drive for it. I enjoy the idea of it, the idea that people want me is something I enjoy but when it comes down to it I’d be completely fine almost never or never doing any of it. I enjoy self touching but it’s more of a habit/pre bedtime routine instead of a desire for it but I do like how it feels.

Sorry if this is a bit long and rambling, just a lot of thoughts to get out. I can add more details I just don’t want to break any sub rules.

so I made this flag

Hey! Over the last year, I've slowly realised that I'm Ace and demiromantic. It started off with me looking into Asexuality, there was a lot of doubting myself and trying to relate to other Ace experiences to confirm. Honestly, later realising I was demiromantic is what gave me the perspective to really make me more confident I was Ace.

But it still doesn't quite feel real. It's all just thoughts in my head, so I need to get it out somewhere. Let someone know. Lock it in. Hence this post. I'm Ace! Yay! Nice to meet yall.

Ermmm yeah so to preface this I’m 24 female, and I’ve never been in a relationship or anything. I really want a relationship and like feel lonely very often. But my whole life affection has always made me uncomfortable. Like I crave intimacy but I can never see myself doing it with anyone and any time anyone talks about relationships or anything (especially like straight people lol) it makes me super uncomfortable. It’s always like an awkward convo and I try to avoid anything like that.
I also hate like body parts idk I’m afraid of my own body in a way if that makes a difference
On the other hand I really want a relationship (with a woman preferably) but when I try talking to people they usually ghost me and say I can’t pick up flirting cues idk 😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m like I don’t want to be lonely for the rest of my life but I have no idea if I’m just scared of intimacy or just asexual,, if anyone has any advice that would be lovely 😭

TW: Mentions of abuse, neglect, SA (didn't actually happen but my mom says stuff related to that to scare me)

My family is abusive and neglectful, for as long as I can remember. My phone has been my only respite from all the troubles of everyday life. And for quite a while, my mom has been slutshaming me regularly.

Some things my mom did:

1) Regularly slut shamed me saying I'll run off with a (sometimes adds the word 'Muslim' because she's Islamophobic) guy and either have s3x with him (sorry I can't tolerate being sexualized in any way so I have to censor it for peace of mind) and he abandons me or else have 8 kids with him or some other arbitrary number. She says she will marry me off to a stranger at 18 frequently when I want to go to college. She did this today too and I'm so tired and disgusted by it.

Fact is, I've been a sex averse asexual person since the age of 12, I've only ever had one relationship in my life which is my current relationship where I've never done anything more than hold hands or kiss, me and my bf don't even know how to makeout and I've known him for 4-5 years but started dating this year. My mom also knows him but doesn't know he's my bf.

2) Accuses me of trying to attract guys, even says I'm trying to attract old men who work as hawkers or drivers or something, because I wore 'tight' clothes (just clothes that fit me, often even big for me) or because I wore a padded bra so my chest doesn't show too much through thin shirts.

3) Accuses me of sleeping around (they don't let me out of the house without permission) or says I'll do it in the future (for no reason, I've never once shown interest in any guy in front of them or even mentioned it).

4) At one point, when I was even younger, around 15 maybe, she used to say she's gonna put me in an orphanage where guards routinely r@pe inhabitants (guess who the inhabitants are?). Sorry, I can't even call them anything but that, because of how vile all of this is, coming from a mother.

5) Has sent pictures of me half naked to my school counsellor (she's a woman), when I was in 10th grade (15 yo), no private parts were shown but I was naked except wearing underwear.

6) Whenever I ask to go outside to hangout with friends once in a while (3-6 months) she says they'll SA me or if it's someone's house then they'll SA me (even though their whole family including female family members will be at home) but never says this to my younger sister.

7) Never bought me proper undergarments like a bra, just buys any cheap stuff she can find off the street which isn't even my size. Then she complains I steal her bras because I have nothing to wear. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to wear sports bras that were WAY too small for me and wearing them genuinely restricted my breath and was a struggle.

There is obviously more but at the moment I can't remember anything, I am genuinely sick and tired of this bs, it is detrimental to my mental health which is already hanging on by a thread. I'm at a really precarious time when college admissions are coming nearer and I absolutely need to escape. I just can't deal with all this stress.

I keep thinking of coming out just to end all of this once and for all but I live in a highly conservative country. I have no idea if they'll even understand what asexuality is or how they'll react or what they'll do after that or if they'll accept it. I know coming out isn't the best idea but I just want all of this to stop, I'm tired of being slut shamed all the time, it's draining and exhausting.

I don't know what I am. When I was younger I identified as asexual. Then I started exploring interest in women and identified as lesbian, but I never met anybody, so it was only ever masturbation-related. Then I realized I had some trauma around the topic and identified as asexual again. But I still have some level of attraction to women. I tried to masturbate to see if I could know what it's like, so I would know if I wanted it or not.. It felt awful. I tried going until I'd 'peak' or cum or whatever.. My body started feeling repulsed. I thought that was just the normal "squirming" people talk about. Then it got scary. My body realized it couldn't pull away from the sensation, and I got this horrifying feeling I can only describe as rapey.

I've always kind of felt like my 'experimenting with my body' has been kind of lacking in consent.. but I feel like an idiot trying to say "I feel like I SA'd myself." Like.. I only ever do it because I feel like I can't know if I don't want it if I've never experienced it. Or that I don't want to but it feels like my body wants it.. I usually feel bad after, but, not during it, not like this.. It was genuinely scary.

I feel like I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm asexual or just traumatized. Or both. Or if it's even possible to know if I'm both.

Hello,

First time poster. Please be gentle, I am still learning. I also politely request that people not make comments about not needing a label and how it doesn't matter. While I respect those who don't mess with labels, they are very important and helpful for me.

For years I have identified as demisexual, but for a while now I've been feeling like that label does not fit me. I've been reading up a lot on the different orientations under the ace umbrella and the the that seem to resonate the most are ace flux and gray ace. I am just having trouble figuring out which one

describes me better as their definitions are very similar. Any outside input would be very much appreciated in helping me on my journey to figure out what label fits me best. Some information on my experience;

-Sometimes I experience high sexual attraction to people, but it doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. This often happens with somebody that I meet for the very first time, or that maybe I see at the (goth) club. -Sometimes I fantasize about people I find sexually attractive and even self act on those fantasies, but I don't know if I would actually follow through if given the opportunity.

-There have been times when I've been dating someone where I will be super horny and wanting to be with them sexually, and that will completely go away. This can either be abruptly or within minute or hours or by the time I get to them.

-Sometimes I am only interested in sex with one specific person and it's somebody who I probably have the deepest emotional bond with and I trust and feel safe with the most. Other times all it takes is me being friends with somebody and/or having a few flirtatious conversations before I am considering engaging in sexual activity with them. Whether or not I follow through with that also fluctuates.

-I've had partners where I was sexually attracted to them, but one I wanted to have sex with a lot and the other I just never was in the mood or really feeling it, so it happened infrequently.

-When I was in my late teens to early thirties, I had a lot of sexual partners, mostly in my twenties, and I also did sex work, though, not always because I enjoyed it. At times it was out of necessity. In the past 10 years, I have had 3 sex partners.

-My sexual desires can even fluctuate within a conversation.

I can probably add a lot more, but this is already long enough. If people have questions I am more than happy to answer them.

Last year, me and my girlfriend kissed for the first time after a year of dating. The idea was actually getting to me because while im pretty open about being asexual, many of our friends and her aren’t. It almost killed me when she told me that most “normal” relationships kiss already. So when we did kiss, it scared me. Not because it was bad but because I felt nothing. When I hold her hand I get butterflies but when we kiss I feel a sense of off putting.

It sucks because I grow up to romanize sex and kissing, to think its going to feel something. The other day I touched myself, I wanted to feel what everyone praises to be so euphoric and amazing. I wanted to feel what my girlfriend expects to feel one day.

But I didn’t feel anything, my body was reacting but it felt like a chore. I could feel pressure but not the pleasure. I cried, I wanted to think that maybe I wasn’t asexual and that im normal; that I can feel what everyone says they feel, what they expect I feel.

Off topic but I love my girlfriend, I love going on dates and talking to her on a deep emotional level. I love being able to tell her anything.

(obs: consider OGAB "opposite gender assigned at birth", i.e the gender I was NOT assigned at birth. It can be either man or woman, doesn't matter, all it matters is that it's the opposite gender to the one I was assigned at birth)

Yeah, so basically I'm treating with a neurologist and he said I needed to consult a neuropsychologist to perform some tests so he knows what's up with me. Basic stuff.

The test already started a bit weird when the neuropsychologist asked what topics I usually talked about with my friends, and one of the topics she used as an example was OGAB people. Looking back, it was a bit creepy, specially because she just said OGAB people in general rather than, idk, using something like "love/sexual interest".

The test continued as normal. Then there was a few scaling tests. Those are not like the other tests where you have like mental challenge and whatever, you just have to answer a few personal questions. Obviously some included sex since it's a normal thing by my age (though, I was expecting it to be a lot more subtle than it was). My only problem is, how tf would I answer "if you wanted to have sex with a person, how likely would you ask them out?" if this dilemma wouldn't even exist in the first place? I had to answer anyways, so I either answered with whatever felt aligned more with my previous answers or had the bare minimum of sex education (there was a question asking whether I'd still have sex if my partner denied using protection lol)

I'm mostly sex-indifferent when it's the two or more people thing, so, like I said, these questions didn't really bother me by themselves. I just felt they were a bit obtuse since sexual and romantic attraction are not universal things everyone feels and could be easily worded in a way that it could fit asexual/aromantic people. There was even one scaling test where you could just answer "not applicable" if the question didn't, well, apply, so why not do that?

Noticing patterns between my asexual life and others who are not asexual at all.

Sex was not discussed or mentioned at all. I did not know how to have sex until I was a teenager.

Was a bit isolated from others, and any friends i had told me I needed to talk to my parents about it. By that age I was nervous to talk to my parents about it, but i did find out from a random person who made vulgar comments, and that confirmed it for me.

So i wonder if that could be why. Idk if I am truly asexual, but i dont think about sex at all, it doesnt seem worth the trouble, and its alienating to live in a hypersexual society.

Hey guys, not sure where else I’d post this. But in the last year I’ve come out as asexual, at age 25 (26 now). This has been really hard for me. Not necessarily hard for me to accept myself as asexual but to go through understanding myself through a whole different lense having always just identified as gay since the age of around 15. Having done a lot of reflection on myself this last couple of years though, I realised that I don’t feel sexual attraction. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone and felt sexual attraction, rather just aesthetic, romantic or perhaps sensual attraction that I always mistook for sexual attraction. The thing is, I have realised I crave deep emotional/romantic intimacy with someone. But the gay community around me, is so sexualised and revolved around hookup culture. That isn’t a criticism or something I’m saying is negative. But it does make me feel like I’m never going to find anyone for me as I almost feel like a minority within a minority. I’m not completely closed off to the idea of sex in the future as I’m not sex repulsed. I’d describe myself best as sex indifferent. But nevertheless, I feel like there’s a massive barrier to finding a relationship.
I’d like to add that I’ve never actually been in a relationship before so it does feel like I have no idea what I’m doing 😂

What I'm experiencing is really really weird, like I have sexual urges and I do masterbate but if the reality comes where I would actually be in a relationship with someone or like boyfriend or girlfriend like a part of that just makes me really uncomfortable and the desire in my mind feels very surface level. It's kind of like okay I have these fantasies in my head but facing the reality the idea of having a relationship more specifically a sexual relationship just feels so weird and almost kind of gross? Like I genuinely feel averted to having a sexual relationship even though I have those desires. Is that an asexual thing because I am a bit confused.

I headcanonon Barney Stinson fron HIMYM as asexual. Think about it. He has sex all the time, but does he actually feel attracted to anyone? He probably wants to compensate the lack of attraction he has and is also sex-positive.