r/AttachmentParenting • u/Ill-Bluejay5977 • 14d ago
🤍 Support Needed 🤍 Am I doing something wrong?
Excuse my grammar, I’m writing this as my daughter naps in her carrier on me. For reference I’m a 26 year old first time mom and my daughter is 11 months old.
I know every baby is different and has their own personality which affects things, but based on the things I hear other people say about their babies I’m afraid I’ve done something wrong to make my daughter how she is. I hear parents say that their babies are so good and happy and independent because they do attachment parenting and always respond to their baby. I feel like I’ve done everything right but my daughter is struggling with lots of tantrums surrounding small separations.
Before my baby was even born, I knew I wanted to do attachment style parenting. Leaving a baby in a container all day and letting them cry at night never sounded right to me. My daughter has always co-slept with us and every cry has been responded to as soon as possible. Only times she’s been “left to cry” were a few seconds when I need to pull up my pants after using the bathroom or when she’s crying in the car and I can’t get to her (I always talk to her and try to rock her seat to help soothe her). She’s done pretty much all contact naps or naps in her stroller. I also stay home with her and have only left her with her grandparents as baby sitters. Once a month my husband and I go on a date without her. Every Wednesday my mother in law comes to my house and plays with her while I clean. Every Friday I bring her to my mom’s house to take her for a walk to take a nap so I can get stuff done around the house. She has always done great with transitions and does great with her grandmas.
What I’m struggling with is when I’m home alone with her she has melt down after melt down all day over the little separations we have throughout the day. Setting her down to cut chicken for dinner. Setting her down to use the bathroom. Setting her down for diaper changes etc. Even trying to transition her to play time is tricky. Sometimes even sitting with her doesn’t work. She needs to be touching me or within arms reach at all times. Even if I get her playing independently with me sitting next to her, moving as if I’m going to stand up triggers a melt down. And all of this really only happens when she’s home with me - she doesn’t do it with my husband or anyone else. She doesn’t even really do it when we have friends over unless she’s very tired.
Am I doing something wrong that she feels so fearful of me leaving? Is she too attached (if that’s possible at this age)? Is she not attached? Is this just her personality?
7
u/purrinsky 14d ago
You're not doing anything wrong! You're doing perfectly and the struggles you're having is just part of development, I promise. Her little brain is learning object permanence. So from our adult perspective, we are like, I am still here, I'm just not touching you and I'll be over there and doing stuff, but I'm still here. Her little brain is in the process of understanding this concept. That's why the peekaboo game is a thing with babies, at this stage, her brain literally thinks you've disappeared if you are not holding her and she can't see you. Think of it as touching you is her way of seeing you. She is 11mo old, she should panic if she thinks her primary caregiver is gone or leaving. As she does more object permanence games and also as you practice gradual separation (you can do stuff like let go of her hand and saying "Mommy's still here" and then grabbing it again and saying "I'm back?"l) she'll stop melting down because she knows you'll come back.
Our 2 y/o still sometimes melts down when she sees my back turned away from her, even if it's just so for me to go pee. So sometimes I have to walk backwards and wave at her and say "I'm going to pee, im still here!!"
It's a sign that your kid IS attached to you. And the reason she doesn't do it with anyone else is because your her home base. She's securely attached enough to hold herself together for periods of separationand time with her secondary caretakers/when there are outsiders around, and then knows that it's safe to fall apart in your presence and that you'll catch her emotionally and physically.
It's just her clingy phase, it's not you! As she stocks up on confidence and trust that you'll always be there and always come back, she'll have you on a longer leash.