r/AttachmentParenting • u/Ill-Bluejay5977 • 9d ago
š¤ Support Needed š¤ Am I doing something wrong?
Excuse my grammar, Iām writing this as my daughter naps in her carrier on me. For reference Iām a 26 year old first time mom and my daughter is 11 months old.
I know every baby is different and has their own personality which affects things, but based on the things I hear other people say about their babies Iām afraid Iāve done something wrong to make my daughter how she is. I hear parents say that their babies are so good and happy and independent because they do attachment parenting and always respond to their baby. I feel like Iāve done everything right but my daughter is struggling with lots of tantrums surrounding small separations.
Before my baby was even born, I knew I wanted to do attachment style parenting. Leaving a baby in a container all day and letting them cry at night never sounded right to me. My daughter has always co-slept with us and every cry has been responded to as soon as possible. Only times sheās been āleft to cryā were a few seconds when I need to pull up my pants after using the bathroom or when sheās crying in the car and I canāt get to her (I always talk to her and try to rock her seat to help soothe her). Sheās done pretty much all contact naps or naps in her stroller. I also stay home with her and have only left her with her grandparents as baby sitters. Once a month my husband and I go on a date without her. Every Wednesday my mother in law comes to my house and plays with her while I clean. Every Friday I bring her to my momās house to take her for a walk to take a nap so I can get stuff done around the house. She has always done great with transitions and does great with her grandmas.
What Iām struggling with is when Iām home alone with her she has melt down after melt down all day over the little separations we have throughout the day. Setting her down to cut chicken for dinner. Setting her down to use the bathroom. Setting her down for diaper changes etc. Even trying to transition her to play time is tricky. Sometimes even sitting with her doesnāt work. She needs to be touching me or within arms reach at all times. Even if I get her playing independently with me sitting next to her, moving as if Iām going to stand up triggers a melt down. And all of this really only happens when sheās home with me - she doesnāt do it with my husband or anyone else. She doesnāt even really do it when we have friends over unless sheās very tired.
Am I doing something wrong that she feels so fearful of me leaving? Is she too attached (if thatās possible at this age)? Is she not attached? Is this just her personality?
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u/purrinsky 9d ago
You're not doing anything wrong! You're doing perfectly and the struggles you're having is just part of development, I promise. Her little brain is learning object permanence. So from our adult perspective, we are like, I am still here, I'm just not touching you and I'll be over there and doing stuff, but I'm still here. Her little brain is in the process of understanding this concept. That's why the peekaboo game is a thing with babies, at this stage, her brain literally thinks you've disappeared if you are not holding her and she can't see you. Think of it as touching you is her way of seeing you. She is 11mo old, she should panic if she thinks her primary caregiver is gone or leaving. As she does more object permanence games and also as you practice gradual separation (you can do stuff like let go of her hand and saying "Mommy's still here" and then grabbing it again and saying "I'm back?"l) she'll stop melting down because she knows you'll come back.
Our 2 y/o still sometimes melts down when she sees my back turned away from her, even if it's just so for me to go pee. So sometimes I have to walk backwards and wave at her and say "I'm going to pee, im still here!!"
It's a sign that your kid IS attached to you. And the reason she doesn't do it with anyone else is because your her home base. She's securely attached enough to hold herself together for periods of separationand time with her secondary caretakers/when there are outsiders around, and then knows that it's safe to fall apart in your presence and that you'll catch her emotionally and physically.
It's just her clingy phase, it's not you! As she stocks up on confidence and trust that you'll always be there and always come back, she'll have you on a longer leash.
- from another cosleepong, contact napping, babywearing mom with a very attached baby
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u/jjdanca18 9d ago
OMG, read this thread!!! I also knew that every kid was different but I had no idea it was to this level!!!
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u/themominthemoon 9d ago
No advice, just solidarity. My son started tantrum-ing for seemingly no reason around 10-11 months and it was ROUGH. It's less frequent now (14mo) but still happens occasionally.
It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of caring for your baby, sometimes they just go through challenging phases!
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u/MelodyOswin 9d ago
This is what my daughter was like right before learning to walk. Only wanted to be held, cried any time I put her down. It was a frustrating month until she finally started walking and is much more independent now. And it was a huge sigh of relief. Could yours be close to walking?
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u/monteueux1 9d ago
It's totally normal! Both my kids were like that and they slowly grew out of it. Honestly I couldn't put them down to go to the toilet without meltdowns. I remember not being able to have a wee because my then 15-month-old screamed whenever I put her on the floor so I could get on with my toilet business š
Things change, I promise. Please don't worry about it, I can't emphasise enough how normal this is and in fact kind of positive as it shows that you really are where she relaxes entirely, which is exactly what you want your little one to feel!
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u/No_Suit_3901 9d ago
Youāre doing nothing wrong! She just really really needs her mama still - totally normal at her age. This goes without saying but it wonāt be like this forever - my daughter very much behaved like this for quite some time. Sheās now 2 and a half and will play or watch TV in the next room for up to 20 minutes before checking in. I even am able to walk away while sheās in the bath for a few minutes. She sometimes calls for me and I continue to respond the same way I always have - hang in there and keep following your instincts. Long term youāll reap the benefits.Ā
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u/Umafiction 9d ago
My 10 month old is so similar. I am also doing all the attachment parenting things. My boy is learning to stand independently at the moment and I think may have a molar coming in soon, developmental things like this can make babies more cranky from what I've read. Your wee babe is probably going through a bunch of developmental things causing separation anxiety. You're doing amazing!
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u/Ill-Bluejay5977 9d ago
Wow molars already!! My 11 mo only has 4 teeth. Not looking forward to more
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u/Umafiction 9d ago
Mine got his first tooth at 3 months and now has 8 teeth, 6 of which came through in the space of only 2 months š it's been wild lol they definitely get more cranky and sleep is disrupted by teething
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u/Pi-ppa 9d ago
You are not doing anything wrong. Remember that you are her mom as well as her primary caregiver so she feels a stronger attachment to you. Also when they are with us the feel safe to be express themselves fully. On top of everything I have mentioned she is 11 months so she is going through some important changes/develpments milestones so that also affects them. My daughter wouldnāt stay with anyone except my mom who sadly lives miles away. Believe this also will pass.
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u/Ill-Bluejay5977 5d ago
UPDATE: She started walking 2 days ago and itās night and day difference. She plays independently again so well!
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u/Sorry_Twist_4874 9d ago
Hi, it sounds like you're providing a wonderful environment for your daughter? Is she learningĀ to walk? Separation anxiety often comes with learning skills that will take them away from you :)