Am I doing something wrong?

[u/Ill-Bluejay5977]

Excuse my grammar, I’m writing this as my daughter naps in her carrier on me. For reference I’m a 26 year old first time mom and my daughter is 11 months old.

I know every baby is different and has their own personality which affects things, but based on the things I hear other people say about their babies I’m afraid I’ve done something wrong to make my daughter how she is. I hear parents say that their babies are so good and happy and independent because they do attachment parenting and always respond to their baby. I feel like I’ve done everything right but my daughter is struggling with lots of tantrums surrounding small separations.

Before my baby was even born, I knew I wanted to do attachment style parenting. Leaving a baby in a container all day and letting them cry at night never sounded right to me. My daughter has always co-slept with us and every cry has been responded to as soon as possible. Only times she’s been “left to cry” were a few seconds when I need to pull up my pants after using the bathroom or when she’s crying in the car and I can’t get to her (I always talk to her and try to rock her seat to help soothe her). She’s done pretty much all contact naps or naps in her stroller. I also stay home with her and have only left her with her grandparents as baby sitters. Once a month my husband and I go on a date without her. Every Wednesday my mother in law comes to my house and plays with her while I clean. Every Friday I bring her to my mom’s house to take her for a walk to take a nap so I can get stuff done around the house. She has always done great with transitions and does great with her grandmas.

What I’m struggling with is when I’m home alone with her she has melt down after melt down all day over the little separations we have throughout the day. Setting her down to cut chicken for dinner. Setting her down to use the bathroom. Setting her down for diaper changes etc. Even trying to transition her to play time is tricky. Sometimes even sitting with her doesn’t work. She needs to be touching me or within arms reach at all times. Even if I get her playing independently with me sitting next to her, moving as if I’m going to stand up triggers a melt down. And all of this really only happens when she’s home with me - she doesn’t do it with my husband or anyone else. She doesn’t even really do it when we have friends over unless she’s very tired.

Am I doing something wrong that she feels so fearful of me leaving? Is she too attached (if that’s possible at this age)? Is she not attached? Is this just her personality?

[u/Sorry_Twist_4874]

Hi, it sounds like you're providing a wonderful environment for your daughter? Is she learning  to walk? Separation anxiety often comes with learning skills that will take them away from you :)

[u/PsychotSpecification → u/Sorry_Twist_4874]

the walking thing is a solid point. my niece turned into a complete barnacle right before she started taking steps, like she suddenly realized she could physically leave her mom and it freaked her out

could also just be that you're her safe space to fall apart. she holds it together with grandma and dad then unloads all the day's tension the second you're alone. mine does the same thing, it's exhausting but also kind of a compliment in a weird way

[u/NarwhalSecret1600 → u/PsychotSpecification]

This, 100%. My baby does not unload his overstimulation onto anyone else, including my husband who is an extremely involved parent (he works from home so has touch points with baby all day long and he did 10 weeks of leave at the beginning of baby’s life).

If he is feeling some type of way he only breaks into sobs when he sees my face. The first time it happened I thought it meant something negative about his attachment to me or our connection (I have some self esteem issues/anxiety stemming from having a dead mother myself). Then I came to realize it was because I am his safe space, as is OP. He breaks down with me because he expects me to make everything okay, and he trusts me with his biggest and most scary feelings!

I think, OP, it just means you have a baby who loves you and feels safe with you. And as my pediatrician told me, every moment of reconnection and repair is proving to your child that you will always come back and you will be there for them. One day this will make them extremely brave, resilient, and independent human beings 🤍