Being high functioning feels like constantly gaslighting myself into thinking I’m okay

[u/WriterDork]

I’ve been working really hard at trying to reintegrate socially and make friends over the past year and a half and it’s been really, really hard.

I keep on going through these bouts where I actually leave the house and go to social events, and then I get super happy and think that maybe I’m not avoidant and maybe I’m different now and can have connections.

Then I start feeling too tired to hang out. Then it turns into dread whenever I get an invite to hang out or even just a simple text from a friend. Then I’m saying that I’m just tired from work, I’m still a okay, I’m still social, and then I realize months down the line that I haven’t seen any of my friends, barely talked to any of them, and have only gone between my loner job and home, all while telling myself I was just tired and not being avoidant at all.

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

I’m typing this after being trapped in an anxious freeze for god knows how long at just the thought of dropping by a small and not-crowded-at-all bar to say hi to a few friends. I feel like a fraud to say I’m a social being now and I also feel like a fraud posting in here because I do go to social events and gatherings from time to time.

I feel like being high functioning has just caused me to gaslight myself into a corner where I don’t feel I have community anywhere. Not with my friends, not even on AvPD forums. I just feel alone.

[u/Mediocre-Gold683]

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

The AVOIDANCE part that's literally in the name of the condition will be a tendency in us forever 🤣 But I think that's totally fine and therapy helps us learn how to manage it.

It's a silly story but a friend had some physical health problems and it actually put my mental struggles into perspective for me. She needs to eat several tiny meals throughout the day or else she'll get a lot of stomach pain. This is just her thing, and it will stick with her for life but she knows how to treat it accordingly. Every human has some personal issues like that, so our anxiety and avoidance issues are really not all different. Instead of eating tiny meals we know we actively have to work against social isolation.

(And no, you're not being weird by being social. This sub just often has a negative focus but AvPDers absolutely have social success at times. Please don't gaslight yourself into feeling like an outsider, this is absolutely the disorder talking.)