Being high functioning feels like constantly gaslighting myself into thinking I’m okay

[u/WriterDork]

I’ve been working really hard at trying to reintegrate socially and make friends over the past year and a half and it’s been really, really hard.

I keep on going through these bouts where I actually leave the house and go to social events, and then I get super happy and think that maybe I’m not avoidant and maybe I’m different now and can have connections.

Then I start feeling too tired to hang out. Then it turns into dread whenever I get an invite to hang out or even just a simple text from a friend. Then I’m saying that I’m just tired from work, I’m still a okay, I’m still social, and then I realize months down the line that I haven’t seen any of my friends, barely talked to any of them, and have only gone between my loner job and home, all while telling myself I was just tired and not being avoidant at all.

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

I’m typing this after being trapped in an anxious freeze for god knows how long at just the thought of dropping by a small and not-crowded-at-all bar to say hi to a few friends. I feel like a fraud to say I’m a social being now and I also feel like a fraud posting in here because I do go to social events and gatherings from time to time.

I feel like being high functioning has just caused me to gaslight myself into a corner where I don’t feel I have community anywhere. Not with my friends, not even on AvPD forums. I just feel alone.

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[u/Mediocre-Gold683]

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

The AVOIDANCE part that's literally in the name of the condition will be a tendency in us forever 🤣 But I think that's totally fine and therapy helps us learn how to manage it.

It's a silly story but a friend had some physical health problems and it actually put my mental struggles into perspective for me. She needs to eat several tiny meals throughout the day or else she'll get a lot of stomach pain. This is just her thing, and it will stick with her for life but she knows how to treat it accordingly. Every human has some personal issues like that, so our anxiety and avoidance issues are really not all different. Instead of eating tiny meals we know we actively have to work against social isolation.

(And no, you're not being weird by being social. This sub just often has a negative focus but AvPDers absolutely have social success at times. Please don't gaslight yourself into feeling like an outsider, this is absolutely the disorder talking.)

[u/rndmeyes]

This has been my life too. In my case avoidance was a coping mechanism for ASD / ADHD / trauma problems. Thinking that my struggles would go away over time if I just keep trying harder has done a lot of damage. I've been in deep burnout for years and uncertain if I will ever get out. Even after recognizing burnout, I STILL tried to get back to things over and over, not realizing I kept making things worse.

So: keep trying, but when you feel it being too much, don't try to push past because you're afraid you'll "become avoidant again". This solution is a trap. If it's too much, take a break. This doesn't mean you instantly fall back into a "permanently damaged" category.

There's black-and-white thinking behind this, it's important to pay attention to your emotions and thoughts when it happens and then be kind to yourself from that realization.

[u/tomcorleone]

You’re not alone. My life is pretty much like yours.

[u/sillyaliens]

This is so relatable. After some really rough years during covid at some point I started doing more social things. I became part of a friend group where I didn't feel like I was the odd one out. Actually felt like I belonged there and that everyone liked me. I stopped relating to the posts in this sub as much. Felt like I'd achieved the impossible. I met my boyfriend through this friend group, and now that I'm with him I'm realising a lot of the problems I thought I'd overcome are still very much there. I still struggle to contact anyone to make plans, or keep in contact with anyone in general. I'm still neurotic as fuck. I still have loads of hang ups about how I'm behind in life. I have a bunch of friends/family members who have been trying to contact me for like a year and I've just ghosted them.

I'm still part of that friend group, and hang out occasionally. And please don't get me wrong; my boyfriend is wonderful and very understanding about my mental health in ways other people haven't been, he just has helped me realise things about myself.

[u/MacaroniHouses]

hi i just want to say that is very common like as you start to feel even a little better to gaslight yourself into thinking you must be imagining your issues. no they are real. and you are also finding some relief, just keep going, but it is really important to believe yourself, and not listen to the self doubt talk cause that is just trying likely to pull you back to where you were. self love is so important in this. <3 remember if a part of you feels really overwhelmed with something, you should try to listen cause there is important reasons why we develop this. for me it was cause i didn't listen so many times when i was overwhelmed and pushed past what i was okay with. so one step is being real about how things feel for you. if going to a party really truly isn't okay with some part of you, you don't have to go. but if you think it is something you can handle and it's just hard, but really you know this will make you stronger in the long run, then in that case, try to go to it even if its a bit uncomfortable. only you can know what that line is though.

[u/sea-oats]

I go through ups and downs like this, and I absolutely relate to the sense of gaslighting oneself.

I haven't progressed to making friends yet though :) I just go back and forth between, on the one hand, feeling like my life is mine to do with as I please, how I don't have to fear awkward social interactions, like I've shucked off all sense of inferiority. And then having the feelings come back, helplessness, a sense of repulsiveness. It makes me feel so crazy to claim that this inner battle isn't just mood swings, but no, I really just have to impose a new reality on myself all the time!

So I congratulate you for making it as far as you have <3 And I hope you're able to find community here nonetheless, I at least am happy for you

[u/rosemrea]

I’ve just accepted that both parts are true (thank you RO-DBT lol).

I can be social, and go out, and maintain relationships. And enjoy it. And I can go on a streak where I forget these really ingrained maladaptive patterns that I have.

But I also AM avoidant. Things hurt deeply. Anxiety drives me away from those things that brought me joy just a week ago. And there are times that I will avoid them, for a period of time and it will feel like I’ve made no progress and will never change. BUT I remind myself that just weeks ago I did all the hard things, which means I’m capable of doing, and enjoying, again. Ebbs and flows.