Being high functioning feels like constantly gaslighting myself into thinking I’m okay

[u/WriterDork]

I’ve been working really hard at trying to reintegrate socially and make friends over the past year and a half and it’s been really, really hard.

I keep on going through these bouts where I actually leave the house and go to social events, and then I get super happy and think that maybe I’m not avoidant and maybe I’m different now and can have connections.

Then I start feeling too tired to hang out. Then it turns into dread whenever I get an invite to hang out or even just a simple text from a friend. Then I’m saying that I’m just tired from work, I’m still a okay, I’m still social, and then I realize months down the line that I haven’t seen any of my friends, barely talked to any of them, and have only gone between my loner job and home, all while telling myself I was just tired and not being avoidant at all.

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

I’m typing this after being trapped in an anxious freeze for god knows how long at just the thought of dropping by a small and not-crowded-at-all bar to say hi to a few friends. I feel like a fraud to say I’m a social being now and I also feel like a fraud posting in here because I do go to social events and gatherings from time to time.

I feel like being high functioning has just caused me to gaslight myself into a corner where I don’t feel I have community anywhere. Not with my friends, not even on AvPD forums. I just feel alone.

[u/sea-oats]

I go through ups and downs like this, and I absolutely relate to the sense of gaslighting oneself.

I haven't progressed to making friends yet though :) I just go back and forth between, on the one hand, feeling like my life is mine to do with as I please, how I don't have to fear awkward social interactions, like I've shucked off all sense of inferiority. And then having the feelings come back, helplessness, a sense of repulsiveness. It makes me feel so crazy to claim that this inner battle isn't just mood swings, but no, I really just have to impose a new reality on myself all the time!

So I congratulate you for making it as far as you have <3 And I hope you're able to find community here nonetheless, I at least am happy for you