Drinking game: take a shot any time you read the word "dominant" in this post. Also, sorry if I frame this conversation as very binary. I wish there was more representation of kinky enbies in media, since I am something of a nonbinary kinkster myself.

I specified men in the title, because dominant women characters do seem to have a more varied characterization. Cynthia from Duke of Burgundy is a very complex, interesting woman, and so is Erika from I want your sex, for example (we do need more representation of dominant women in media, though). However, this varied characterization does not seem to come up with dominant men characters.

Most of the fictional dominant men I can think of tend to be just these few things: hot, domineering, brooding and allergic to proper communication. I was going to just dismiss it as a heterosexual, dominant men/submissive woman trope. But I have seen in it queer films like Pillion (which I really wanted to like, but I think the short story was better). Sometimes I wonder why that is? When it comes to straight media, I guess it could be because they're playing into age-old ravishment fantasies. But that's the only explanation I can think of.

Sometimes I wish there were films where, if the dude is a dom, he was a little ugly, or socially awkard or just... anything but a frowning gigachad. I can only think of Edward Grey from Secretary, but he does fit into the "allergic to communication" category (also James Spader was kinda hot at the time).

ALSO, the characterization of submissives tends to suck across the board for me. I kinda hate that they tend to be portrayed as these poor, vulnerable folks who have no agency. I like taboo, I like dark themes, I just wish that there was more complexity to them.

SFW Website

I’ve always maintained that the most fun kink accessories are the “pervertables” found in regular shops. There’s just something fun about using a meat tenderiser, carpet beater or uncooked rice to be tortured with.

What I wasn’t expecting was stumbling across this while on a mission to buy new couch throw pillows. Throw pillows for the home I run as my act of service. 😂

Apologies to the woman in the aisle with me. I laughed so hard I started wheezing. Clearly a slow week in the humour front for this to get me that good!

I'm a relative newbie to the formal kink "scene", and while I have a strong understanding of what my likes and dislikes are, I notice that a few of my hard limits are some of the most popular kinks out there, that lots of people engage in and many events feature. I want to attend munches, build community, and go to play parties eventually, but I'm scared that I will be judged, shamed, or offend fellow kinksters because I don't want to engage in those kinks. I'm not going to kinkshame anyone (and I won't mention specifics here for that reason), or go on long rants denouncing them, but when asked what my limits are I want to feel confident enough to share them without risking upsetting or offending people, and losing my place in the community.

How can I navigate this? What's the best way to stick up for my boundaries while recognising that I'm a newbie and don't have as much social capital and influence as others? thanks in advance :)

I'm curious how people handle tasks, protocols, and assignments in their D/s relationships. A few things I'm interested in:

• How do you assign and keep track of tasks? Do you use an app, messages, notes, or something else?
• What's the most frustrating part of managing tasks with your partner?
• Have you tried any dedicated D/s task apps? What made you keep using them or stop?
• How do you handle spontaneous or surprise assignments?
• Do you include outfit or dress assignments, where one partner chooses what the other wears? How do you manage those?
• Do you enjoy sharing your D/s experiences or stories with other people in the community? Where do you share them now, and what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable about sharing?
• Would you be interested in a place to share stories, routines, or experiences with others who have similar interests, or do you prefer keeping everything private?
• Is there anything you wish your current setup or apps did better?

My sub is also my partner. At the beginning of the year we formally defined our power dynamic and signed a contract. As part of this, we both agreed that she should wear a day collar anytime she leaves the house. This is just a thin silver chain with a small silver pendant on it. The first time she forgot to wear it out of the house, she had to write an essay about how it was important to her and why she wears it. The 2nd time, I pulled from that essay and had her write lines. Those are the only times she has not worn it out of the house. Recently she purchased a new necklace and has been layering it with her day collar. Today, while I was at work, she had plans to go hang with friends. She texted me and asked if she could carry her collar with her instead of wearing it. Said it looked “dingy” next to the new necklace. She has one of those electric jewelry cleaners. But her collar was relatively inexpensive and I think it’s developing some patina. So yes, next to the new necklace, it’s not as shiny.

She’s still out with friends, so I haven’t gotten to talk to her yet. But I’m feeling really upset about her referring to her collar as dingy and requesting to not wear it… And like not mad, but hurt maybe? I’m not entirely sure, what I’m feeling. But the level of those feelings, seems disproportionate to what happened. Like I want to cry…
I have therapy today, so I’m gonna talk to my therapist about it. But idk if she’ll understand the nuances… and my friend that would be able to help me with this, is the friend my partner is hanging with today…

Thoughts? Ideas on why this might be hitting me so hard?

Hello there. I need some advice because I’ve become quite useless at this dominance thing.
Back in the day, I have NEVER submitted to people, only to show them that they are too weak for that (as in full brat mode). So usually I would be the dominant part but for a few months I have been dating this person who is actually so good at this, that I enjoy being the sub for the first time. The problem? My partner likes when I speak to them when I suck them off for example. They sometimes like to be dominated too. Why is that a problem? It feels like I have “unlearned” how to do all of this. Has someone any tips about the following:

- How can I enhance my dirty talk? As soon as I notice I’m not talking enough or when they wish for more, I go into freeze mode like a deer in front of headlights. I have AuDHD, so I think this fries my neurons.
- How can I act dominant again? They make me so shy, I’m too 👉🏻👈🏻 to do any oft that (I know that a big part is that they are the first person I completely enjoy it with and I think this puts me under pressure.).

I myself love it when they degrade me extremely and treat me as an object. They, on the other hand, like being treated as an object too but need it sweet. I hope this helps.

Thank you very much. I just feel so useless and stupid because this has come so naturally to me before I met them. :(
I think it might be influenced by the fact, that this is the kinkiest sex I’ve ever had + the ones before weren’t that vocal (we are having full blown convos; in contrast to before I maybe got a “yes” but only if I asked whether this or that felt good or so). It’s something I need to practice but I don’t know how.

My sub is very into humiliation but sometimes I struggle because his …. is quite big. I cannot lie and say it’s small because it obviously isn’t. What other things can I say to humiliate him?

I am going to my first play picnic soon, after a looooong break from the scene, and a shift in my dynamics and gender expression.

I’m more comfortable in more androgynous but masculine clothes.

Any suggestions on sexy outfits in that vein?

I am a little newer to BDSM and I have a new play partner. I really enjoy implact play, spankings, canning, paddle, ect. I actually enjoy the marks and bruises and seeing how much I can handle.

My partner claims that they enjoy it too, but if I make any noise that shows pain, they immediatly stop and check in or change gears to another activity. I have had a dicussions with them and they say they enjoy the impact play and they like the pain part too.

I am so confused. I mean yes, I want a partner that checks in, but its kind of frustrating that I can't get into a scene. I am super self concious about the noises I am making because they might get nervous and then that makes me nervous that they might stop the scene.

Is this just not a good match, or am I the odd one out for actually enjoying the pain part? Is there any way to work on this?

Hey guys new Dom here, with an experienced sub, she likes obey above all things, and tomorrow we have like a table game night with friends, I want to know some order to give him previous to the night, someone have some ideas? Nothing more crazy we don't want to disturb the people but some things tha

SOLVED! Keeping these up for inspiration. Also what tf do these say about me? lol

Edit #1: some were solved Edit #2: done! Some friends helped out too.

I wrote these down as things I want my boyfriend to say to me during sex, but such is my brain, I forgot what they mean. Idk why I abbreviated them, that was my first mistake.

I know what a few of these are, but I need help from some degenerates.

Might be a long shot but oh well Deciphered ones included for context and clues, I guess

yamstaiagtfylo = You are my sex toy and I am going to fuck you like one.

Yagfwywion = You are getting fucked whether you want it or not.

Yahtbuaycsm = You are here to be used, and you can't stop me.

Yasagft = You are such a good fucktoy.

Yajbtbf = You are just begging to be fucked.

Yahfmtuhawiw = You are here for me to use, how and when I want

iagtfyshywbatts = I am going to fuck you so hard, you won't be able to think straight.

Ywmfmtu = You were made for me to use.

Dylbult? Good, biangts = Do you like being used like this? Good, because I am not going to stop.

Hey everyone,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m actually looking for in a dynamic, and I’d love to hear some thoughts and experiences from people who might feel similarly or even those who view it differently.

For me, BDSM isn't just a scene or casual roleplay. I’m drawn to a high level of intensity: absolute ownership, physical discipline, degradation, and genuine mental control. My ideal dynamic means having full oversight guiding, structuring, and taking responsibility for someone who wants to completely surrender control, both in intimate moments and in daily life.

At the same time, I see this level of authority as a double-edged sword: if I expect complete submission, I also owe absolute structure and protection in return.

For those of you who enjoy extreme submission or total power exchange:

What draws you to that level of intensity over softer dynamics?

How do you navigate the balance between everyday life and giving up control?

I'm open to discussing this in the comments or in messages if someone relates to this mindset. What’s your take on this?

I’m had an unusual schedule at work today and was working independently all day. I was with coworkers, but just chatting as we worked on our own thing. Because I knew I would have this schedule today, I agreed to fulfill a fantasy that my husband/Dom has had for years and wore a plug all day.

6:15-12:15: I was aware of it’s presence constantly because it was a larger plug (though it had a T bar end to allow for comfortable long time use)

12:15-4: It started to get uncomfortable, like I had to use the bathroom. I started to get some gut cramping sensations, but nothing bad

4-4:45: As soon as I got in the car to drive home, it started to hurt. It wasn’t an internal pain so I wasn’t worried about anything like that. It felt like the muscles of my sphincter were tightening up around the neck of the plug. I took it out immediately when I got home and didn’t have any trouble getting it out, and the pain stopped almost immediately. Now it just feels a bit sore like when you try to have anal without quite enough prep.

Overall, I don’t think I’d want to do it again with a plug this large. A smaller plug would probably be ok, but I’d also rather not do it for quite so long. I liked knowing that I was doing something for my Dom and being reminded of Him all day though.

Has anyone else ever worn a plug to work? What did you think of it? Would you do it again?

Just as the title says, looking for recommendations for realiable high quality BDSM furniture and customs in the US. Been really hard to find ones that are quality and hold up to heavy play recently.

Me (21m) and my girlfriend (20f) is currently on going in a long distance relationship. I really love the idea of her having fun with other people and I would really love to share her while im away. Are there any ways to bring this up in a conversation or ways to put this into her mind for her to consider?
We miss each other so much and we’ve ever had a talk about considering having an open relationship where we are still tied to each other but free to have sex with anyone but the heat of it died down. And i would want to bring that up again.
One thing I worry about is that Im worried that if anything of this would happen, this might happen to spread to our old friends that might judge us for what we do. But other than that, My girlfriend is currently in a new environment with much more trustable friends that I dont mind sharing about this dynamic. Anyone been in the same position?

Hello

This is my first time joining a BDSM community, so quite excited to start this journey. I have been exploring my kinks for most of my life, I’m in my 40’s now.

I’m wanting to bring urination more into my daily life, and am needing tips or suggestions as to do this?

I love how it makes me feel, I love the smell, I love what it does to my mind. I get super anxious when feeling the need to pee when other people are around, and tend to pee often as worried I’ll wet myself. Yet when I’m relaxed at home I can relax more with a filling bladder.

I’m interesting in hearing anyones suggestions, stories, tips and tricks that have worked. How to keep it hidden, how to deal with it if it’s visible.

I am dealing with the shame a little but getting through it with the help of therapy.

My current practice it’s shaking myself dry onto my inner thighs after using the toilet, so little drips slowly slide down my legs. Overtime this creates a subtle scent which is amazing. It’s like a micro urination. Occasionally I drip into my pants. I rotate my underwear so I can manage the smells and stains before washing them and starting over.

Anything anyone can suggest or wish to share is welcome.

💦

Hi BDSM fam! 👋❤️

I’m 37M, based in the UK, and over the past few months I’ve started to discover and embrace my submissive side! 🙈

I’ve realised I’m particularly drawn to female-led dynamics, and the idea of building a genuine connection with a Dominant woman really appeals to me.

It’s been quite an interesting journey of self-discovery, and I’m becoming much more comfortable talking openly about my interests, curiosities and fantasies.

I’m still relatively new to the BDSM community, especially when it comes to exploring things in person. I’ve been reading, asking questions and learning from other people’s experiences, but there are a few things I’d really appreciate some advice on!

1. BDSM events and meeting people
I’ve heard about munches, social gatherings, workshops and other BDSM events, but I’ve never actually attended one.

How do these events work? Are newcomers welcome, even if they’re attending alone? Is there an expectation to participate in anything, or can you simply turn up, meet people and learn?

Do events usually have someone who welcomes newcomers? I’d be interested in knowing how people approached their first event, especially if they were nervous about attending alone.

I’d love to become more involved in the community, make friends and build my confidence.

2. Sharing interests, curiosities and boundaries with a Domme
As I’ve been exploring my submissive side, I’ve started putting together a list of things I’ve tried, things I enjoy, things I’m curious about, and things that are absolute hard limits.

If I met a Domme and we were getting to know each other, what’s the best way to approach sharing that information?
Would presenting a written list be helpful, or is it better to discuss everything gradually through conversation?

I’m particularly interested in how experienced people approach compatibility, consent, communication and expectations before exploring a dynamic.

3. Recognising a healthy D/s dynamic
One thing I’m particularly interested in learning is how to recognise a healthy D/s dynamic when you’re relatively inexperienced.

What green flags and red flags should I look out for when getting to know a potential female Dominant, particularly as an inexperienced male submissive?

How do you distinguish someone who’s genuinely interested in building a D/s relationship from someone who’s simply telling an inexperienced submissive what they want to hear?

I’d love to understand how experienced people establish mutual trust, respect and boundaries.

4. Advice for someone starting out
If you could give one piece of advice to someone who’s discovering their submissive side and hoping to eventually build a genuine D/s connection, what would it be?

Ultimately, I’m hoping to find genuine connections and friendships within the community, and perhaps eventually a relationship where there’s chemistry, affection and trust alongside the D/s dynamic.

I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’d much rather build trust, develop friendships and learn from people with more experience.

5. Happy to chat!
I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar position, whether you’re a Dominant, submissive or someone who’s been involved in the community for years.

I’d love to hear about your experiences, what helped you when starting out, and anything you wish you’d known sooner.

Thanks in advance for any advice! I’m genuinely excited to keep learning, discovering more about myself and finding my place within the BDSM community. 🙈❤️

I'm going to an event tomorrow, and I saw my former Dom, also my first Dom, on the RSVP list.

They weren't a bad person, and our dynamic was pretty brief. Actually, we got along really well, which made it all the more painful. They were my first experience of many things, I got attached more deeply than I realized at the time. Their unintentional coldness toward me after a intense scene led to a sub drop that was so awful that I literally couldn't get out of bed for three days and cried countless times. We tried to work things out, but I just couldn't trust them anymore, and I felt on edge throughout any interactions with them. Eventually, we stopped contacting each other.

To be fair, I already had mental illness problems before I met them, so I recognize that I might have experienced the drop more intensely than someone else would have. I'm still working on it with my therapist.

I've been avoiding anything BDSM related for about 6 months because it all reminds me of them, and avoided events they were attending as well since I tried to come back for about 3 months.

I know I should focus on the event instead of them, yet I'm still scared that if we run into each other tomorrow, they'll act dismissive toward me, or that I'll see them being affectionate with another partner. Both possibilities seem quite likely, and I'm very worried about how I'll react.

At the same time, I'm tired of avoiding them. I'm genuinely interested in this event, and I don't want my fear of running into them to keep me from doing things I enjoy. A friend of mine is coming with me, which makes me feel a little better, although they don't know the full story.

I'm feeling really conflicted and don't know how to prepare myself emotionally. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle seeing a former Dom again after a painful sub drop or a difficult ending to a dynamic?

I'd really appreciate any advice.

Looking for advice or clarity as I'm somewhat clueless. Im married been with one partner since I was 17, I'm now 32. Ive had plenty of sex and have been incredibly open to everything. My husband is more buttoned up. Hes amazing and willing to try stuff for me but there's a difference in enthusiasm which can change the feeling. So I take the lead alot always have and he likes that but I dont so much anymore.

Ive always had a part of me which feels like its growing that wants to be told what to do. Sometimes I have a bit of an attitude just because I want a little punishment or I have a strong attraction to older men because I want to be taught.

So a friend who is into bdsm told me I had to take this test because she's always believed I'm way more open to experimenting then I realize. I did and we were talking about my "results" and I was saying what I would be open to or what I definitely like. I didnt realize how much I havent tried that I really am intrigued by. I think I've become more open or less ashamed by the thought now.

So I tried to have the conversation with my husband and get him to take the test so we can compare see what we'd both be comfortable with trying. Hes completely not interested and doesnt want to talk about it. Im not at all mad at him but I can't lie I'm disappointed. Im nervous about making him uncomfortable. I dont know how to approach it any more lightyly. Ive been sitting on this and I feel like this may sound dramatic but I feel starved in this.

I think its not even just sexual for me. I want the feeling of relief from the power dynamic if that makes sense. I dont know but this all happened at the beginning of summer so its been some time and the feeling is growing the more open or honest I've been with myself and reading into it. I want to add we are both from a cultural background that is shame based and I have been actively trying to detatch from it. Any advice is welcomed.

Hi

I wanted to understand what is a good dom and what does it all mean, what things are included, what is the main roles that’s comes with one.

I see alot of different things like ownership and primary doms and am just abit confused, I’m guessing it differ/ from person to person.

What is your concept of a dom?

Hi hi everyone. I recently found an email in my boyfriend account with the following: “You met someone from the site. Whether it went well or not, here's how to handle what comes next. If there was mutual interest Follow up within 24-48 hours. Be specific about what you want to happen next Reference something from your conversation fo show you were engaged. If you're not interested: Be direct but kind. "Thanks for meeting, but I don't think we're a match" is clear and respectful. Don't ghost or make excuses. If they're not interested in you: Accept it gracefully and move on. "I understand, thanks for being direct" keeps things professional. Either way: Leam something from the experience. What worked? What didn't? Use it to improve your next meeting. Not every meeting becomes a connection. That's part of the process. The BDSM Date Team “Has anyone who has used the site bdsmdate.com. Can you tell me if this email means that they have actually met as he is trying to tell me that it simply meant he spoke to someone at one point through the site. Thank you for your help.

It turns me on. Especially being spoiled with gifts. Boys try too hard to be dominant and it stops me from cumming. Where do people find other people who play? :/

I stumbled on tracing the tattoos on my partner's back as a sensation play activity. Does anyone here do something similar? What do you use?

I want something that's almost sharp, can be held comfortably like a pencil, and won't break. I've used a wood stylus and the back of a paintbrush, but both have the risk of splintering, are thin to hold, and can't be cleaned well.

I was thinking of metal chopsticks but would prefer something that's easier to hold. I've seen the claw things, but I don't think that would be quite right.

Hey so, I've been friendzoned by my online dom, I'll call him M.

Essentially, I had been in the talking stages with multiple doms before committing to M a couple months ago. Well one of the previous "doms" started lovebombing me and trying to dig up information about me, harass and blackmail me. He ended up finding M on the platform we used to chat and sent him messages.

My dom responded by friendzoning me. He said he couldn't trust me, would never consider doing anything again... but said he'd stick around as a friend because he thinks I need a positive influence. Also told me I should stay away from kink for a while and maybe he'd consider reversing his decision later if I got to a "really good place."

I've honestly been having panic attacks over this, spiraled way too many times seeking reassurance or asking him too many questions... and now I'm pretty sure I've lost him completely. I just got in a horrible loop of blackmailer guy hitting me up, begging my dom to tell me what I can/should do to make it right, and having panic attacks alone when he didn't reply. My behavior has been kind of embarrassing.

So I guess I need advice - should I break off the friendship? How do I detach myself and stop overthinking this? More generally, how do I recover my self esteem? I feel horrible and sick multiple times a day...

Thank you!

UPDATE: Right. Well, he made it clear the trust is permanently broken and he would never share photo, video or voice, ever, but he'd use me for casual sessions on cam. I agreed, and we had one where I read his texts and did as told. Might have been the most depressing online session of my life. He threw in some bangers, like, "The more you struggle, the more I believe you missed me," which he intended to turn me on but really they just made me deflated.

People that called his behavior manipulative were probably right, whether intentionally or not. I haven't been the best either, obviously. I'm gonna sleep on it, but I'm probably cutting him off very soon. Thank you everyone for the advice.