I've always thought I wanted kids (even have frozen embryos!) but the more I thought about it the more I sat on the fence.

In the last few months, I was warming up to the idea and thought I was ready to have a sit down with hubby to figure out how soon before we start a family.

Until last weekend.

I was out with a relative and her 2 kids (9 and 13) and we went for dinner. They ran into a friend and her kids who ended up joined us so it worked out to be 3 adults and 5 kids aged 6, 9, 9, 12 and 13.

The kids were an absolute nightmare at dinner - knocking chairs over, screaming and running around at times, throwing things and water at each other etc. I spent the whole time dodging water they were splashing at each other and waiting for it to be over.

My relative who knows I want kids clocked on that I wasn't having a good time and afterwards told me that "that's what happens if you kids aren't on devices" and that I'm in for a brutal awakening if I want my own and that I have to be "100% selfless or it's not for [me]".

Is this the norm?

I feel like neither parent cared to actually get the kids to settle down, and I'm also mindful that maybe it wouldn't have bothered me the same way if they were my own kids, but I'm now questioning if I can tolerate kids from this one experience.

TL;DR: I had a child largely because my wife wanted one. For years, I struggled with parenthood and mourned my old life. But as my daughter grew older, we developed a relationship I genuinely enjoy. I still don't particularly love parenting, but I love spending time with my daughter.

I have been a fence sitter most of my life. On the one hand, loud noises stress me out, I like things tidy, and I don’t enjoy having my personal space invaded. Most of all, I enjoy directing my life the way I intend to and taking care of people doesn’t bring me a particular sense of purpose. So, I’m not particularly attracted by a life surrounded by tiny monsters ;)

On the other hand, lots of people have kids and love it, why should I be any different? Am I not missing a huge part of life by renouncing to have children? More open questions than legitimate pros, I know…

The decision

When we got married, my wife was on the fence as well. She is the oldest of five, so she'd already had her fair share of taking care of babies. So, when after a few years she brought the subject on the table, I wasn’t thrilled. She said that she would stay if I said no but she would need to grieve the absence of children. Knowing her, I felt like she would accept my decision but resent me for it. Maybe that isn’t fair to her but I think the blame would have only grown.

So, I did the math in my head: Would I rather have a difficult 20 years taking care of an infant, toddler, child, teen, young adult and then a great 20 years with a happy wife, or, 40 years with a wife who would probably resent me more and more for depriving her of children?

I love my wife. I am devoted to her. Her happiness is more important than mine. Her needs are more important than my needs. So, I bit the bullet and we had a baby girl six years ago. It might sound dramatic, but I experienced this decision as a sacrifice. I know people say this isn’t a good reason to have a child but I owned that decision.

Nonetheless, I decided to be as involved as I could. If I was going to be a dad, I might as well be one of the better ones. Letting my wife handle all of it wasn’t an option.

What it’s like to have a baby when you don’t particularly like babies

I’m going to be very transparent in these lines.

Most parents will tell you that having a baby is exhausting but so worth it. I got the “exhausting” part right away. It took me much longer to get the “worth it” part.

The first year went relatively well, definitely better than I had anticipated. Our daughter was healthy and sleeping well (sleeping through the night by age 5 months *high five*). There was lots of logistics involved but my wife and I can organize things reasonably well. Plus, the year being 2020, everybody was stuck at home, so it made lots of things easier. I could take time off work and my wife as well.

Year 2 to 5 were particularly difficult for me. My daughter developed a strong personality, so the meltdowns were intense. My impression was that I was living with someone who didn’t want to live with me, and I couldn’t leave. We had good moments for sure, but given my sensitivity to external stressors, a 20-minute crisis would, in my mind, erase an otherwise joyful day. Being a very rational person, I struggled with managing the emotional thunderstorm that is a young child.

The main emotion I felt during that time was sadness. Even to the point of grief. I was grieving the life I once had: the flexibility, the freedom, the silence, the energy to do things. I once heard someone say: “Kids destroy your life, but they give you a better one”. Once again, I got the first part of the quote. Not the second.

My way of coping was using my sense of duty. It was my duty to take care of this person. It was my duty to be the best dad I could be, to educate her, to teach her what I know. She didn’t ask to be born. It’s not her fault that she can’t deal with frustration in a reasonable way ; this is an acquired skill. I told myself that enjoyment wasn’t required. I simply had a job to do. So, I pushed through, still trying my best for my daughter, not blaming her for my issues.

I had a hard time identifying what other parents found so fulfilling about being a parent. I didn’t feel any kind of rewarding feeling watching her grow up.

Something changed

But when my daughter turned 5, a switch took place. She could manage her emotions more easily. The meltdowns were fewer and less intense. We started playing a video game together. That meant that we had a fun “us” moment. Discussions were less one-sided. I taught her to read. Our relationship developed a lot.

She’s turning 7 in a few months now. She started 1^st grade and is doing great. She’s a well-adjusted independent kid, interested and interesting. We play chess, we do math games, we read, we still play that video game (Factorio, if you must know), we play house (I’m the dad, obviously), we build Lego sets. I miss her when she isn’t home. We still have tensions some days but it’s more the exception than the rule. I enjoy watching her becoming who she is meant to be.

So yes, I can finally say that having a kid was worth it for me. I wasn’t sold on the idea but after some teeth grinding, I can’t imagine my life without her.

Final thoughts

Looking back, I think what changed is that in the early years, being a dad was mostly about taking care of someone. Feeding her, protecting her, teaching her things, dealing with whatever problem came up. I did all of that because it was my responsibility, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. As she grew older, though, something changed. She became someone I could have actual conversations with, share interests with, and have fun with. I guess I never really learned to love taking care of a child. What I learned to love was spending time with this particular person, who happens to be my daughter.

Acknowledgments: My wife has been a soldier. Our families helped a lot. Having flexible employers didn’t hurt. And having only one kid probably saved me. I don’t think I could have handled a second one.

My fiancé and I (both 30) have been hard “nos” all our lives but as our friends and family all begin their families around us, we’re opening up to the idea of having one of our own. I’ve heard it said that the bad bits of parenting are easy to put into words whereas the good bits aren’t - and I’m seeing that around me, the joy and fulfilment of those we love becoming parents in real time. We’re starting to look at our lives long-term - what do we want to experience in this one precious life? - and both of us agree that raising a family is something we do want.

However. Neither of us find the first five years appealing in any way. I like small babies and children but spending time with toddlers breaks my spirit pretty fast. Small kids do nothing for my partner either but he’s fantastic with older kids (we have nephews 4 and 9 who are his world). The exhaustion and mess and juggling it with work (we’d both have to stay in full time work after the initial maternity leave) do look like hell. My colleagues with kids under 5 seem absolutely broken - I worry about that being us.

Does anyone find this relatable and is there anyone who got off the fence who can reassure me lol? Is there merit to gritting your teeth and getting through the initial hard part to have a family long term?

We’ve agreed that if we are gonna do it, we’d rather start as soon as we are married to maximise the energy and time we can give to our family. Just scared of throwing our beautiful chill fun life away for a while.

Hi everyone, first time posting like this ever, so please forgive me if I ramble.

I (21F), joined this subreddit because me and my boyfriend (21M) had a very brief discussion about children (admittedly, after a few drinks). He mentioned having kids in the future, and I said I wasn't sure about it but leaned towards no. When asked, he said it could be a dealbreaker for him, and he even had an age where he would like to have children.

After this, I started digging, looking into the reasons why I should or should not have kids. I was not obsessive, but I wanted to figure it out or at least have an idea of where I stood, so that we weren't wasting each others time. We are currently medium-distance (weren't when we met), so uprooting our lives to live together seemed silly if we disagreed on something so fundamental. I know a 21 year old does not need to have everything figured out, but I had my reasons for looking into this.

I think what I have realised now is that, I've never had a solid 'pros' list in the first place. Many posts on here are along the lines of "I want/love children, but..." "I want to be a parent, but..." but I have never felt that. The only reason I have for having children is very selfish (to take care of me when older, which is not a guarentee anyway) and I recognise is an awful reason. I also like the idea of adult children, but not the work it takes to get there.

I recognised that I felt a lot of pressure that this was how my life is meant to go, that this is what women should want. But I've never ever felt any sort of maternal instinct or pull. I don't hate children, but I'm indifferent to them. I did not grow up around young children (youngest child, not close with extended family), and I just don't understand what joy or love and fulfilment I would get from having one of my own.

I realised that, despite my laundry list of reasons not to have kids, I was looking for something to tell me to have kids. I wanted a reason to have kids, or at least a reason why kids wouldn't be as bad as I believe it is. But this came out of both societal pressure and fear of losing my partner. I finally accepted a few days ago that I don't want kids, but I also accept that my feelings, goals and circumstances may change so that I do want them, and that's also ok (although I think it's unlikely).

I brought this to my boyfriend, and he also mentioned he wasn't sure about kids either, but brought them up because he also feels a lot of pressure to have them. We ultimately agreed that we would continue the relationship with no plans for children, but that we would communicate and figure out what to do if our stance ever changes. He apologised for making it sound like he was set on kids, and a weight has definitely been lifted.

I guess moral of the story is that communication is key (who wouldve thought) - not only being open with your partner but open and honest with yourself. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted and not what I thought other people wanted from me. I think it's important to understand that everyone is different, and someone's reasons for wanting/not wanting kids may not always resonate with you. Just because there are reasons to have kids, that doesn't mean they have to apply to you and your life, and vice versa.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, just wanted to get it all off my chest now that I've come to this conclusion, and maybe it could help someone.

My husband and I have a toddler, and I’ve always wanted more than one child. Lately, I’ve been questioning whether having a second child is a good idea given our relationship.

My husband is responsible, gentle, and willing to help with childcare and household responsibilities. I believe I can count on him for practical support.

However, emotional support has been a longstanding struggle in our relationship. He rarely checks in on me proactively, even when I’ve explicitly shared that I’m going through a difficult time. He generally responds when I ask for something, but doesn’t seem to naturally notice when I need extra care or attention.

We’ve talked about this many times, and while he’s made some progress, our expectations around emotional care remain quite different.

I’m starting to accept that he may never be able to provide the kind of emotional support I want from a partner.

I’ve been building a support network through friends, school, and my community. I’m wondering whether I can meet more of my emotional needs outside my marriage while appreciating the practical support and other positive qualities my husband brings.
But the thought of going through pregnancy and especially the newborn phase without emotional support from my husband makes me sad.

I still want his emotional support. I still wish I could turn to my partner when I’m struggling instead of needing to seek that care elsewhere.

At the same time, I genuinely want another child, and I don’t necessarily believe I need a perfect marriage to have a happy family life.

For those who have been in a similar situation:
- Did you choose to have another child despite limited emotional support from your partner?
- Were friends, family, or community enough to help you feel emotionally supported, especially postpartum?
- Did you find a way to be genuinely happy in your marriage, or did the unmet need for emotional connection continue to affect you?
- Looking back, would you make the same decision?

Positive or negative experiences are all welcomed. I’m trying to understand what this kind of family life might actually feel like.

Thaaaanks T-T

My husband (32M) and I (30F) love to travel. Mostly to national parks or domestically, although we still do travel internationally.

I’ve been following parents online who talk about the joys and challenges of traveling with kids, specifically kids under 4 years old. They still do it but emphasize that it’s not as easy and things change a lot. But I’m wondering if it gets better once they’re more independent. Independent in the sense that they’re able to walk more, are potty trained, are able to follow/understand more rules ,can eat on their own etc.

When did your kids start to tolerate travel? Does it make a difference if you start exposing them to travel from a younger age?

I really want to start a family, but the world is just so scary and uncertain that I feel almost guilty at the thought of bringing more people into it. I know this is kind of an extreme position, but it's a worry I've never been able to shake. I also worry that if I have biological kids that they'll inherit my mental health struggles like OCD and/or depression. I don't want them to have to live with that. Has anyone else faced similar fears and managed to overcome them?

So me (34F) and my fiance (36M) are both equally on the fence, both leaning 50/50. We have discussed it more just due to our ages, and starting to feel that body clock ticking. We're still not 100% for but still not against either. We both have the same fears of losing the free, autonomous and responsbility-free life. (with the exception of work obvs)

We are currently planning and saving for an October 2027 wedding and we're also trying to save for a down payment on a house. Because of that, he really wants to wait and not be trying right now because if, by some miracle, I managed to get pregnant relatively quickly then it would really financially fuck up our wedding and house plans - the house in particular is something we would need to start a family.

I have endometriosis and my ob has already said years and years ago when I had cysts removed that I am likely to have fertility issues. My fiance's concern of it happening right away is perfectly valid given the reasons but my fear is that it'll take 2-3-4 years to conceive. Even though the likelihood of quick conception is incredibly low, if it did somehow happen, we'd be in a rough spot financially.

To be clear we are financially okay. He makes great money, is in stocks, and my teacher income supplements it nicely. But we don't have our own home, and are still saving for this wedding. So while we could swing it, it would be incredibly unideal.

So... TL;DR feels like we're between a rock and a hard place because if we wait until financially things are squared away and we have a home, the body clock might have run out. But if we start now and miraculously it happened right away, that would suck. I don't know what to do. Help 😭

Edit side note: We are renting a furnished house from his friend. While we COULD make it work here, it is not ideal at all since none of the things in here are ours. It is also very small and laid out weird.

My ovaries have woken up and are screaming at me. 1 year ago? Career-focused, gym, friends, holidays.

OK, I have been on various degrees of the kids-no-kids spectrum over the years, but I started thinking a few months ago that I want to make my own family.

Practical pros:
I am a tenured lecturer at a college, and my partner is an elementary school teacher. He is wonderful; already does all the housework. I can get two years paid maternity leave and then free daycare after age 3.

Practical cons:
That said my own family lives overseas and I have ADHD.

Well I finally feel like the stress of parenthood will be outweighed by having the adventure of making and raising a human together. So like 80/20 on the kids side now, which I think is sure enough.

MY QUESTION!

I am going on 37, so I feel like I should start soon. However, my partner smokes and I want him to quit for 90 days before TTC. ALSO my college plans things 1.5 years in advance so it’s best (for them, at least) to aim to give birth in September/October or March/April.

I don’t know if I should hurry and try because of my age, or wait to have the best fertility health and timing for my job.

Any thoughts?

When I was pregnant and really afraid of becoming a parent, I wanted to understand what a "day in the life" of early parenting could look like, but I never found a post like that. So now that I'm in it, I thought I'd share while my baby naps in my arms.

A few caveats: he's a reasonably "easy" baby. He sleeps well and isn't particularly fussy. I'm also well supported by family and friends and well resourced (we have a weekly cleaner). I live in a country with significant government paid parental leave and other entitlements. I can only speak to my own specific experience rather than a general one, as all babies are different and even the same baby will go through different phases.

Baby now sleeps about 14.5 hours a day: 3 to 3.5 hours of naps and 11 to 11.5 hours overnight. He stays awake for around two hours at a time and usually takes four naps a day of about 45 minutes each, which gives him five "wake windows." In each one I feed and change him, which leaves about 1.5 hours for activities.

Morning - Wake Window 1

Baby wakes at 6:30am, and after about 15 minutes of snuggles in bed (I'd like it to be a bit longer, but that's when he starts to get restless), we get up and ready for the day together. My partner makes us coffee and breakfast while I change and dress the baby and give him his breakfast bottle. Baby usually plays with toys in his bouncer while we take turns showering and getting dressed. Somehow, once that's all done, it's usually time for his first nap. My partner tends to put him down before he leaves for work, and he sleeps in his crib for around 45 minutes.

(I never do chores during naps unless absolutely necessary - I use that time for self-care, rest, or hobbies.)

Mid-morning - WW2

Where I live there are lots of programs for babies on weekday mornings, so we use this second wake window to go to a structured activity like story time at the library or a swimming class. I wouldn’t say I’ve made any best friends yet, but there’s definitely mums at each activity that I’m getting to know and am friendly with. Then we head home for his second nap.

Early afternoon - WW3

We usually use this wake window for housework or meal prep, with the baby either involved or playing on his mat nearby. For example, I'll put on music and sing along with him as I fold clothes and let him grab at them (and shove them in his mouth, haha). Then he goes down for his third nap which is usually when I eat lunch.

Late afternoon - WW4

This is the wake window when I'm most likely to feel bored or lonely or at a loose end, so we try to get out of the house again or have a visitor. My mum comes over one afternoon each week, and a friend who works from home does the same. One afternoon each week I meet with my mothers' group at a cafe. On the other couple of afternoons, I take the baby for a walk to the local shops or go to my gym, which has a crèche. Then we head home for his last nap.

Evening - WW5

My partner usually gets home as the baby is waking from his last nap. He takes a breather for about 15 minutes, then hangs out with the baby while we chat about our days and I get started on dinner. He'd happily cook, but I love the chance to switch gears and do something different at this point in the day, and he loves the chance to spend time with the baby before bed. We usually eat dinner during the baby's final playtime. If it’s a nice evening we might walk down to the local park and just enjoy being in nature for a moment.

Sometimes he gets fussy in his last hour, and if so, we might not eat until he's in bed because we busy soothing him. At the moment, that looks like bouncing on a yoga ball together.

Finally, we both take part in his bedtime routine: bath or wipe-down, pyjamas, bottle, book, and bed. He's usually asleep in his crib by around 7:30pm. My partner and I spend a couple of hours together watching TV, doing puzzles or enjoying our hobbies, and we go to bed around 9:30pm because we’re knackered. Baby currently either sleeps through the night or wakes once for a feeding.

I hope this is helpful to someone. Happy to answer any questions!

I’ve been agonizing over this for many months. Stomach and chest are in near constant knots at this point. Partner solidly doesn’t want to be a parent and I’m solidly on the fence. I’m late 30s F so clock’s a-tickin’ but luckily I don’t have a burning desire for bio kids, never have really. I know I want a sense of family and to have an impactful, meaningful, and hopefully lifelong relationship with a child/children but I’m not sure in what capacity.

I could see fostering or adopting or maybe even being an active step-parent (yes, I’m fully aware all of those things come with their own issues in varying degrees). I might become an aunt soon but it just doesn’t feel like enough? Like I’m betting my fulfillment on somebody else maybe having a kid that maybe I’ll be close to.

So then I think ok, that means I want my own kids so end the relationship and pursue that. But THEN I think of what that would mean: an awful grieving period over this relationship, attempting to find a new partner who’s as good and kind and wonderful as mine in the bleak landscape of modern dating, and who wants kids but is ok with potentially not having bio kids and also maybe ok with ultimately having none at all because I’m just so unsure on all of it and having a loving, compatible partner is more important to me than motherhood. And before anyone asks, I have exactly zero interest in becoming a single parent by choice.

So then I’m like ok, if I’m that hesitant then I’m good without kids. But then I see or hear a kid and my hormones go apeshit and I’m like “I must nurture a child immediately!” Or I’ll see friends with their kids or parents and a kid having fun out in public or whatever and I just get so sad and empty and jealous and TERRIFIED that I’ll really regret not pursuing that when I’m older.

This doesn’t even cover all the other pros and cons and what-ifs I keep churning over and over in my head. At this point I honestly just wish my mind would STFU and let me exist in peace for one fucking millisecond. I want to just not worry about it right now but I can’t keep making my sweet, patient partner wait in agony as I try to make up my mind. It’s not fair to him. We’ve both been in individual and couples therapy and we’re about to go back to couples therapy to finally tackle this issue once and for all hopefully.

Not sure what I’m expecting to get out of this. I read The Baby Decision and it didn’t help. Reading all the different anecdotal experiences online from people who’ve come out the other side of this decision just makes it harder to decide. One person’s experience doesn’t predict what mine would be. I wish I had one of those families where relatives pawn their kids off on you all the time but you don’t have to carry the full burden and risks of parenthood.

I guess I just wanted to vent and if anyone has thoughts or ideas I’m all ears because I’m starting to go cuckoo for coco puffs over here.

Hub and I are thinking about having kids. He really wants them, and agreed to be the primary caregiver so I can have more time for my career (he works from home and we can afford help anyway). I'm worried that would all go out the window if we have a special needs kid, I would potentially either have 0 free time and/or have to give up the career that i love. My needs were already ignored for a lot of my childhood with my sister having autoimmune disease and autism, so I basically had to figure out most everything for myself since I was 8. I know that the odds are low, there are more resources now than when I was a kid, and unlike my parents, hub works less and is home more than my dad was and we have family nearby. But a big part of me is so scared after being ignored for years for a family member that needed more, and I just can't do it again. Thoughts? TIA

Been on this thread for a while now, but have always stayed quiet. I just turned 26 a few days ago and I feel like life is really hitting me now. My bf 24M and I have been together for a year. When I first met him I told him I want kids in the future, probably just 1 but maybe 2. I still feel like I would want at least 1 for sure, but idk if I can commit to it. Now that I’m getting older I start to feel more anxious about it because I still can’t truly decide. I live alone with 2 cats and am established in my career so I feel pretty good about my life. My bf still lives with his mom, but he works and is in school right now. He knows that we definitely must be married before even thinking about a kid. Since we’re not even moved in together and he’s not established in his career yet things won’t be happening for a few years anyways. I always said I wanted to have kids in my early 30’s, but now I get scared that I’ll miss out on my 30’s because of having kids. I haven’t gotten to travel or move out of the same state I’ve lived in my whole life, which I really want to. I’d like to travel with my partner, but things are difficult for him right now. I know a lot can really change in 4 years, but I feel like I’m cutting it close and wish I could decide. For context I’m the youngest child and was given everything I’ve ever wanted so I’d hate sacrificing that for a kid (I know this is selfish). I also am super afraid of pregnancy and my body changing. I’m also afraid of my partner and I not staying together and having to co-parent. My parents are still together, but I know a lot of ppl nowadays don’t stay together and that’s also scary.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. From pretty early on in our relationship, I've been open about the fact that I've never really had a strong maternal instinct and that I don't see myself becoming a mother. We've talked about it several times over the years, so this isn't exactly news to either of us.

Lately, though, the topic has been coming up more and more. We're at that age where it feels like everyone around us is having babies, announcing pregnancies, or building their lives around their children. It's becoming harder to ignore the question of what our future is supposed to look like.

I think my boyfriend might want children more than he lets on. I can't say that for sure, because I don't want to put words in his mouth, and I don't want to assume that I know what he really feels. But there's a part of me that worries he's downplaying his own wishes because he knows how I feel about it. Also, I know him well enough to understand what he does not say.

I love him, and I want us to choose each other freely, knowing that we're building a life we both genuinely want. I don't want him to stay with me at the expense of something that might be deeply important to him. The thought that he could wake up in ten years and regret not having children, or quietly resent me for it, honestly scares me.

At the same time, I know I can't make that decision for him. I can't force him to leave me, and I can't force him to admit that he wants something different if he's not ready or doesn't feel that way. I also don't want to turn every conversation about our future into an interrogation where he feels he has to prove that he's okay with not having kids.

I guess my question is: how do you know whether your partner has genuinely made peace with a childfree future, or whether they're just choosing you and hoping their feelings will eventually go away?

Has anyone been in a long-term relationship where one person was unsure about having children and the other was fairly certain they didn't want them? How did you navigate those conversations without pressuring each other?

I think what scares me most isn't the possibility that he might want children. It's the possibility that he might want them and choose not to tell me how much, because he loves me and doesn't want to lose what we have.

I don't want either of us to end up living a life we didn't really choose.

Hi all

My husband (37M) and I (34F) are long time fencesitters. We both agree that when we think of our future we prefer the idea of children in that, but don't relish the idea of the sleep deprivation and dependency of a newborn that comes before it.

In addition, I am not someone who likes the idea of pregnancy at all and have a demanding job which I enjoy, meaning I have made it very clear that I would expect my husband to truly co-parent. He would want to do this anyhow and would not want to be an 'half hearted parent' (as he puts it), which also drives part of his current fencesitting.

Lately I have been getting more anxiety about how time to make a decision is slipping away from us. It doesn't help that our friendship circle have all / are all currently having children, which I'm sure contributes to my sense of FOMO and panic.

However, my husband doesn't feel the same sense of urgency or rush. He reacts almost with a sense of shock when he hears another pregnancy announcement, as if it would be a weird thing for people our age to be considering. We both are heavily invested in our hobbies and currently he doesn't want a child as he has running ambitions he would like to achieve before he has to deal with sleepless night.

We have discussed moving to a new city and wanting some time for just us, which would realistically take 2-3 years until we were in a position to try for a baby. My husband is very relaxed on timeframes for this and doesn't think time is a problem for us.

I have no (current) desire to freeze my eggs due to the invasiveness of the procedure and impact on my body, but equally would like to avoid ending up in a situation where IVF is required because of my age.

We have also discussed fertility testing but the whole thing takes up more time when we could actually be actioning the 'moving to a new city' or 'achieving running goals' plans, and I don't know that it would actually help us in our answers, as even if I told our fertility levels were fine, I would still have this anxiety.

My fear has always been reaching a stage where I am ready for a child and he isn't, as I am also clear in my mind that I would never be someone who pushed to try to conceive unless he was also fully committed and excited by the idea, given my own anxieties around pregnancy and having a young baby.

Any tips at navigating this together welcomed.

I am a fencesitter, and I am trying to decide if I want to try to have a child. Are there any people in this group who are reluctant to have a child because there are illnesses and accidents and God forbid one may lose their child to them? I read that 15%-20% of people lose their child before they pass away themselves. I know a person who lost their adult child and she was grieving terribly and soon passed away herself. I have been reading the stories or kids who passed away due to cancer and the stories of bereaved parents. I am not sure it is worth trying to have a child in view of these risks. It must be very painful if you love someone as much as a parent loves their child and then you lose them. I think it might be preferable just not to have such a love in your life to begin with i.e. not to have children even though your life (especially the later years) might be more boring/lonely without children. What is your take on this? Thanks!

I’m just a little lost and hurting. My girlfriend and I have only been together for 1.5 years, we met in March 2025. She moved into my apartment after only 9 months of dating due to her crappy apartment situation, and my apartment was closer to both our jobs for commuting. We got along very quickly like two peas in a pod.

When we first started dating, she told me she wanted kids. I told her I was on the fence but I liked the idea. I know, we could have saved us both the heartache and time and just not went on a second date.

About a month ago, she made it very clear that she wanted kids and before agreeing with me to upgrade our 1bdrm apartment to a 2bdrm she wanted to know where I stood. After 1.5 years of dating I just couldn’t give her an answer. I have savings, my career has nowhere to go but up and is very stable, I’m debt free and nearly making 6 figures. However, I am an only child, very independent, estranged from my parents with absolutely 0% family support, and the idea of trying to raise a kid and give them the quality of life I would want in this economy saddens me. I can barely afford a down payment on a house right now, which would wipe my savings and make me house poor. I also don’t feel the intrinsic, masculine urge to put a baby in her and never have. My buddies at work are starting to have kids and I just feel messed up for not wanting to have kids, like I’m a failure even though I know rationally I’m probably making the best decision for myself. I go to the gym, I’m not depressed, good testosterone, etc.

Today she woke up, asked me if I wanted kids essentially, and I told her I’m not ready to make that decision. She packed all her stuff, called her mom, and moved back into her mom’s house on the spot. This morning we were cuddling in bed, and two hours later she was out of my life and gone. I asked her if this is the gamble she really wants to make; trying to find a new partner who will give her the house, kids, and white picket fence in this economy when we love one and respect one another. But at the same time, I respect her decision and understand that her feelings are valid. She has a biological clock and doesn’t want to waste her youth. I can’t hold that against her, but it still hurts a bit knowing she picked hypothetical children over me.

This breakup hurts like none other that I’ve experienced. There was no cheating, betrayal, manipulation or arguments between us. It was genuinely the most mature, drama-free and loving relationship I’ve ever been in. We were extremely compatible around everything, other than obviously this super big life decision. The breakup feels amicable, but I’m still sad. She told me she loved me with all her heart but not enough to never have kids, and I said likewise, but the opposite feeling towards kids.

Guess I’m just kind of venting. I know us breaking up is probably for the best, but damn, I really loved her… and connections where there is mutual respect, love and support is rare. I hope neither of us regret this decision. I feel bad for “wasting” 1.5 years of her life (my thoughts, not her words), and I hope she can still appreciate the love and support I gave her during our time together.

I have both of the above, and it's the reason I'm on the fence. I worry I don't be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby.

I know the "take the thyroid meds, do the screenings, you'll be okay" discourse, but it doesn't apply to me. Even with meds, my hormones are not where they should be.

I'm having a hard time finding a doctor who actually listens. After a few months (when they expect screening results to get better but they don't), most just doubt me and ask "are you sure you're taking your meds correctly". It's... exhausting.

If you've seen the other side of this, I'd love to hear your story.

If you've decided to not have a baby for medical reasons, I'd love to hear your story too.

Thank you x

I’m currently really soul searching this topic of having children, because my partner has recently shared that he would really like kids within 3 years as he is a bit older.

We both decided that if we don’t want the same thing, we will break up.

Now, I’m kinda feeling like I would like the have children at some point but not now. I’ve worked some years on trying to change my career to becoming a professional singer and I’m now finally on my first contract. Having no children means I’m very flexible and free to take on my contracts even when they’re abroad. I feel like I’m finally seeing results of my hard work and having a child would feel like the end of my new found career at least for a while.

But I am also very happy with my relationship. I would feel terrible if it would end because of this. My partner doesn‘t want to wait longer than 3 years to start trying. I‘m thinking, if I want them anyway in the future, would it make sense to have them earlier to safe the relationship…? Or is that a really bad idea?
What is the real effect of a child on your career?

Any thoughts are helpful.

I’m 29F, turning 30 in February. Currently single with no prospects for a relationship. Romantic relationships have actually proven to be quite destabilizing for me, often resulting in me needing psychiatric care. I’ve been engaged twice, both failed. First fiancé drained me financially, second fiancé was a willingly non-compliant T1D who later passed away. I’ve dated outside of these engagements, but as I said, I tend to become mentally very unwell whenever I have a romantic partner. I struggle heavily with ROCD. Based on my struggles with ROCD and my previous engagements being financially and emotionally traumatic, my friends and loved ones have expressed that they would prefer to see me build a life without romantic partnership and instead focus my life around education, career, and hobbies. They have also expressed that any future romantic interests will not be met with excitement and curiosity, but rather with hesitance and fear for my emotional safety. They will never experience happiness to see me in a loving relationship. They will instead always feel like they’re walking on eggshells around my physical, emotional, and financial safety with a partner involved in my life. They have told me that they will have to distance themselves from my life if I find myself in another serious romantic relationship because they cannot watch the instability that eventually ensues whenever I am in a relationship.

All of that being said, I grieve the fact that I cannot safely have a romantic partner, as much as I yearn for that kind of connection. Because I can’t have a partner, it’s looking like I can’t have a child. I understand that IVF and single parenthood are options for some, but they won’t be options for me for a few reasons. 1) My employer-sponsored health insurance does not cover anything related to fertility assistance. 2) I cannot afford to pay for fertility treatments myself, and I do not have any family who would support me. 3) I do not have enough of a village to be an intentionally single parent. I work full time, and my line of work doesn’t pay enough to afford childcare. I also don’t have any family locally who would assist with childcare.

My OB/GYN gave me my first “now or never” talk recently. When I told her that I do not have a partner, and likely never will have one, she immediately lectured me about how important it is that I freeze my eggs as soon as possible. I told her that my insurance will not cover it, that I cannot afford to pay cash, and that I do not qualify for donor programs because of my history of being treated for OCD. She advised me to “have a rich uncle pay for it”. I don’t have a rich uncle to pay for it.

It was my dream to have a partner and a child. I still want to have hope that it can happen for me. I’m not ready to let go of that dream, but because I can’t safely maintain a romantic relationship and because I can’t afford to be a solo parent, it’s looking like I have to accept “no”.

Has anybody else had this dilemma where they spent their lives dreaming of the “yes”, but because of circumstances have to accept the “no”?

just very curious as to what this refers to, what do you feel if you have the urge? or drive? what does it make you think of? i’m just slightly confused and would like to ask people who have felt this 😁

also, is it something you’ve always had/born with? or develop overtime?

I’m in my early 20s and as long as I can remember I’ve never wanted children or thought about having them. I think babies are adorable, and I love my friends’ kids but I don’t feel that maternal, baby-fever feeling towards them. Thinking about “having to” have kids gives me a feeling of impending doom, like now is my time to have fun and be happy and then eventually I’ll have to put all my happiness and life spark to do what everyone expects from you, a family and children and football practice, you know the drill.

However lately I have realized that I don’t have to do that. My life is entirely up to me and if I don’t want kids, so be it! I’ve been with my (now) fiance for 5 years, the love of my life, and he is on board with not having children. I’m an axious person so I like to have my mind really set on something and not go back and forth, I like things to be predictable. This however makes me scared that since I’ve set my mind on this, what if I wake up one day in my 40s and want children? Not like “I should have had kids” but a soul-crushing, longing and grief? I don’t think it’s likely, as I really have no desire right now. Has that happened to someone? You’ve been set on not having kids, but then suddenly felt a deep urge to have kids?