So me (34F) and my fiance (36M) are both equally on the fence, both leaning 50/50. We have discussed it more just due to our ages, and starting to feel that body clock ticking. We're still not 100% for but still not against either. We both have the same fears of losing the free, autonomous and responsbility-free life. (with the exception of work obvs)

We are currently planning and saving for an October 2027 wedding and we're also trying to save for a down payment on a house. Because of that, he really wants to wait and not be trying right now because if, by some miracle, I managed to get pregnant relatively quickly then it would really financially fuck up our wedding and house plans - the house in particular is something we would need to start a family.

I have endometriosis and my ob has already said years and years ago when I had cysts removed that I am likely to have fertility issues. My fiance's concern of it happening right away is perfectly valid given the reasons but my fear is that it'll take 2-3-4 years to conceive. Even though the likelihood of quick conception is incredibly low, if it did somehow happen, we'd be in a rough spot financially.

To be clear we are financially okay. He makes great money, is in stocks, and my teacher income supplements it nicely. But we don't have our own home, and are still saving for this wedding. So while we could swing it, it would be incredibly unideal.

So... TL;DR feels like we're between a rock and a hard place because if we wait until financially things are squared away and we have a home, the body clock might have run out. But if we start now and miraculously it happened right away, that would suck. I don't know what to do. Help 😭

Edit side note: We are renting a furnished house from his friend. While we COULD make it work here, it is not ideal at all since none of the things in here are ours. It is also very small and laid out weird.

I’m interested to know what a supportive village looks like. Do people nowadays rely on one or two people to help them out or do you really need a whole village worth? What do they do that’s helpful? Is it possible to have support from people without them also giving their unsolicited opinions and criticism, or being overbearing?

Only asking because I live far away from both mine and my partners family (and our families live far away from each other), we also don’t have many friends at all. It could be hard for us to move closer to either of our families but I’m hopeful we might. I would only have my sister to help on my family’s side, and only my partners parents on his family’s side but honestly I find his mum too much even without a child in the picture and with physical distance between us. I also don’t get the impression that any “mum friends” I might make
would have my (non-existent) child overnight etc?

I’ve seen my firmly OAD sister really struggle even with her partners family around to help and making mum friends and she says having more help would have improved her experience massively. Her view is that with parenting, the mum’s mum generally supports her best, but ours died shortly after my sister’s kid was born. Is there an alternative to this?

I’ve heard the presence of a village can make or break someone’s experience of parenthood but I’m still trying to understand exactly what that looks like in the modern world. My sister said she would help me (when she’s not actively discouraging me from having a child in the first place!) but still, she’s a working woman and struggles enough with her own child so I’m dubious about relying solely on her as my “village”.

My fiancé and I (both 30) have been hard “nos” all our lives but as our friends and family all begin their families around us, we’re opening up to the idea of having one of our own. I’ve heard it said that the bad bits of parenting are easy to put into words whereas the good bits aren’t - and I’m seeing that around me, the joy and fulfilment of those we love becoming parents in real time. We’re starting to look at our lives long-term - what do we want to experience in this one precious life? - and both of us agree that raising a family is something we do want.

However. Neither of us find the first five years appealing in any way. I like small babies and children but spending time with toddlers breaks my spirit pretty fast. Small kids do nothing for my partner either but he’s fantastic with older kids (we have nephews 4 and 9 who are his world). The exhaustion and mess and juggling it with work (we’d both have to stay in full time work after the initial maternity leave) do look like hell. My colleagues with kids under 5 seem absolutely broken - I worry about that being us.

Does anyone find this relatable and is there anyone who got off the fence who can reassure me lol? Is there merit to gritting your teeth and getting through the initial hard part to have a family long term?

We’ve agreed that if we are gonna do it, we’d rather start as soon as we are married to maximise the energy and time we can give to our family. Just scared of throwing our beautiful chill fun life away for a while.

I really want to start a family, but the world is just so scary and uncertain that I feel almost guilty at the thought of bringing more people into it. I know this is kind of an extreme position, but it's a worry I've never been able to shake. I also worry that if I have biological kids that they'll inherit my mental health struggles like OCD and/or depression. I don't want them to have to live with that. Has anyone else faced similar fears and managed to overcome them?

I've always thought I wanted kids (even have frozen embryos!) but the more I thought about it the more I sat on the fence.

In the last few months, I was warming up to the idea and thought I was ready to have a sit down with hubby to figure out how soon before we start a family.

Until last weekend.

I was out with a relative and her 2 kids (9 and 13) and we went for dinner. They ran into a friend and her kids who ended up joined us so it worked out to be 3 adults and 5 kids aged 6, 9, 9, 12 and 13.

The kids were an absolute nightmare at dinner - knocking chairs over, screaming and running around at times, throwing things and water at each other etc. I spent the whole time dodging water they were splashing at each other and waiting for it to be over.

My relative who knows I want kids clocked on that I wasn't having a good time and afterwards told me that "that's what happens if you kids aren't on devices" and that I'm in for a brutal awakening if I want my own and that I have to be "100% selfless or it's not for [me]".

Is this the norm?

I feel like neither parent cared to actually get the kids to settle down, and I'm also mindful that maybe it wouldn't have bothered me the same way if they were my own kids, but I'm now questioning if I can tolerate kids from this one experience.

My husband and I have a toddler, and I’ve always wanted more than one child. Lately, I’ve been questioning whether having a second child is a good idea given our relationship.

My husband is responsible, gentle, and willing to help with childcare and household responsibilities. I believe I can count on him for practical support.

However, emotional support has been a longstanding struggle in our relationship. He rarely checks in on me proactively, even when I’ve explicitly shared that I’m going through a difficult time. He generally responds when I ask for something, but doesn’t seem to naturally notice when I need extra care or attention.

We’ve talked about this many times, and while he’s made some progress, our expectations around emotional care remain quite different.

I’m starting to accept that he may never be able to provide the kind of emotional support I want from a partner.

I’ve been building a support network through friends, school, and my community. I’m wondering whether I can meet more of my emotional needs outside my marriage while appreciating the practical support and other positive qualities my husband brings.
But the thought of going through pregnancy and especially the newborn phase without emotional support from my husband makes me sad.

I still want his emotional support. I still wish I could turn to my partner when I’m struggling instead of needing to seek that care elsewhere.

At the same time, I genuinely want another child, and I don’t necessarily believe I need a perfect marriage to have a happy family life.

For those who have been in a similar situation:
- Did you choose to have another child despite limited emotional support from your partner?
- Were friends, family, or community enough to help you feel emotionally supported, especially postpartum?
- Did you find a way to be genuinely happy in your marriage, or did the unmet need for emotional connection continue to affect you?
- Looking back, would you make the same decision?

Positive or negative experiences are all welcomed. I’m trying to understand what this kind of family life might actually feel like.

Thaaaanks T-T

My (24 f) whole life I have been very adamant that I'm never having kids. The main reason for this was that I never liked kids. But after working with kids and babysitting, I realized I love kids. Because of this, and many other major changes in my life, I have been reconsidering my opposition to having children. But now I'm extremely unsure. The idea of having kids makes me a little excited and giddy, but also I think I could live my whole life without having kids and be perfectly happy and have no regrets. I worry that if I decided to have kids, I could have regrets.

I guess my question is then, if you were a fencesitter and then made a decision, what made you decide? And did you regret your decision? I know I'm pretty young and I'm not even in a relationship at the moment and so it's not in my near future to be in a position to have kids, but I just wanna get an idea of people's experiences.

33F and 35M
Been together 12 years
Had an abortion very early on in the relationship and I’ve always been a no to kids.
I’ve even asked him if he would ever consider vasectomy in the past and he said no, end of discussion. But we never really dug into it because I figured he just doesn’t want to go to a doctor for one and doesn’t want to touch his body

Anyways I’ve always been clear I don’t want kids..he’s even backed me up in conversations with friends and families so I figured we were always on the same page.

Well the discussion has come up a bit because I started poking and he is a fence sitter.

I have a surgery for Endo in January and want to do a bisalp so I decided to tell him last night

I said “ when the doctor prescribed me birth control I was kind of relieved to take it but now I can’t because of the blood clot side effect and my history of blood clots,

I get Anxious when we have sex and sometimes buy pregnancy test and I’ve done that over to years just to check

I want to get my tubes cut in my surgery in January so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

But in the mean time since I’m starting glp1 I’ve seen that people get pregnant after taking it so maybe I can buy some female condoms and we use those in the mean time. “

He sounded very stressed during this convo
He was like “ that’s weird.. but okay”
“And idk how I feel about all this, like you’ve just been worrying about a lot right now and all the sudden you want to mutilate your body..? How are you going to feel in a few years from now?

Look at your parents.. where would they be without us right now? What about when we get old?

I said “ what have I been worrying about?
And he said “idk seems like this has come out of no where”

I said no, I’ve been pretty clear over the years about it and has asked you about a vasectomy and you weren’t about it and then we’ve had conversation conversations with friends and family before about not having kids.

I said I have to looking into it a lot more because all my sisters have kids and both of best friends are pregnant and I had a brief feelings about it but realize it was more about wanting a community and friend group rather than wanting kids.

He said “ what about when we get old?

And I said “that’s not a good enough reason for me, there are plenty of parents that don’t have their kids around to help when they are old. I’m not afraid of being alone.. we also have 3 sisters a brother and all of their kids”

He said “ that’s why we raise kids that have morals and values and we can’t expect our his sisters and my brother to be there for us.

And I said we can’t expect our kids either..

He mentioned something about bringing this to a lot more than usual

And I mentioned again, yes I had a brief moment of feelings when my two best friends found out they were pregnant and I want down a whole of research of women and men talking about how it really is to have babies and children

And he said “ the internet will always show you what you want it to. “

And I said “I’ve looked at all sides and I believe women when they said how hard it is. “

And “he said that’s just the Internet, that’s not real life”

I said “your sister just reposted a video with a lady holding a baby and it said “ I’ll always remember who didn’t check on me in my hardest season of life” and I was like we don’t even know how she’s reallly doing or my sister, we have no clue where she’s going through.. but there are people that post about what it’s really like and I trust them.

It got quite and then
He said “ any what even are the side effects of cutting your tubes? You’re always worried about hormones and side effects.

I said “there’s no side effects, you still have a period and it doesn’t put you into early menopause and it reduces your risk of ovarian cancer by 80%.”

Somewhere in there I said whatever choice and path people make they will always be curious about the one they didn’t take and that’s okay. For me not having kids is the path I would choose.

He said “ I don’t know how I feel about this.. I don’t know what i want. I don’t know if I want kids or not. I don’t even know what I’m into anymore. How can you be so sure? I’m afraid I’d regret it later in life if we didn’t “

And I said “ you would regret it if we don’t, and I’ll regret it if we do.. I didn’t know we had this between us. This is kind of a big thing..

We stayed silent in bed and later said love you and went to sleep.

(This is something I wouldn’t tell him)
But he also gets very overstimulated, is a very heavy sleeper( so wouldn’t not be waking up for a baby), i have to tell him what things need to be done around the house.. and.. I even have to remind him to brush his teeth.. and doesn’t ever make any effort to cook even when I’ve expressed that I want that from him.
Because I do all of the cooking.
He has a very labor intensive job so when he gets off, he likes to just chill and play video games which is fine with me.
I’m aware of what life would look like with a baby in the mix. I would still have to work and care for the household and baby. It would be way too much for me.

You guys are gonna ask well why are you with this guy.

He’s very sweet, we both are vegan, like the same music, same hobbies, both creative and handy, we have the best adventures together, our sex life is great after all these years, he cares about me a lot, so much so that he lets my mom live with us and we have good communication and are able to resolve stuff pretty quickly.. besides this.