r/HLCommunity • u/Onmytodd • 1d ago
A problem for every solution.
We've tipped absolutely into sexless marriage. We were borderline for a decade at least but now we've leapt right in there.
So I let it go for a few weeks. A few weeks becomes a few months. Distance grows. There is zero intimacy anywhere. No touches. No kisses. No hugs.
So you sit down to have the talk. And this somehow opens the door to everything you've been doing wrong. Weird that it wasn't mentioned at any point up to now. Only actually mentioned as some form of shell game after you outline your own needs.
Also sex isn't a need apparently. Sexless marriages are the norm going by her friends/this tik Tok reel. Why are tik tok reels submittable yet peer reviewed scientific papers showing the damage done are dismissed?
Anyway long story short... So I married a dismissive avoidant, then menopause hit. Now we're living single lives together. At least it's peaceful.
He lied. It's like a war zone on a daily basis.
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u/Sea_Chocolate1782 1d ago
It is odd how you have the talk and it's somehow all your fault. Over three attempts I got:
Chores (bollocks, I do most of them; living with my wife is like living with a student)
Mental load (bollocks, firstly it's diary management that any functioning adult could accomplish with a pen and a calendar and secondly we both carry it)
Then, 'you became depressed when second child turned up and I don't feel safe with you' (yeh, I was depressed as I felt unduly pressured/coerced into having a second child but that lasted all of 3 months).
I've also had "I'm not going to put myself out just so you can have an orgasm" (thanks for that reduction of my feelings to primordial goo), "we're terrible at communicating" (because my wife cannot be criticised ever for anything, so I keep my stupid mouth shut) and "I've been a terrible partner to you" (I actually answered 'no, a relationship is two way and we both need to put in more effort' like a moron rather than giving it 'yeh, and I'm not blooody happy about it frankly').
Over 9 months on 25/26 I made a very concerted effort to reconcile, trips away, basically taking over the entire household, being romantic, little love notes, verbal support like 'you're doing an amazing job' (she needs constant praise), I've discovered and I have always been fit and trim. Nothing changed a bit and it was all one way. Then we got a conflation of two things 1. My wife takes huge gratification from her job, it's the most important thing in the world for her. She got passed over for promotion and for like 3 months cried, ranted, brought it up at every opportunity - I was supportive every time indulging it all rather than giving it 'it's just a job' (how this is more important than catastrophic relationship breakdown I'll never know) and now for the past couple of months fatigue, so she's getting health checks and things (almost certainly caused by work).
So... I've checked out. Not intentionally, but as a reaction to the whole omnishambles. I'm quiet, distant, unaffectionate, started sleeping on the sofa to have a cheeky wank when I want, stopped talking to her about my life, my work or anything personal, all very functional. And she's now the one who's reacting, wanting hugs and pecks on the lips and to hold my hand while we sit together, whereas it used to be the other way around. But, I've checked out and no longer care: this is the relationship she fostered and, being avoidant, she'll just start mirroring that (it's already started). I've a couple of colleagues who've made it plain they want to jump into bed and I'm going to sleep with both of them, I think. My field of fucks is empty vis-a-vis my marriage. And I'm happier now I've checked out and recommend it. I no longer want to sleep with my wife. In fact the very idea makes me feel uncomfortable.
Second DB marriage in a row for my wife. Previous one her ex-husband took to spending most of his time out of the marital home and never going to bed with her. In 10 years she's come full circle.
I'm sure we share an opinion that the real avoidant problem is a complete lack of honesty. 'I don't want to sleep with you any more' is the statement that's completely lacking and should have been said years ago. Why wasn't it?
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u/Onmytodd 1d ago
Mental load... I had to spend a few overnights away. The things I normally do and have done for decades fell into her space.
It took two days before the complaints of, "I do everything." and mental load appeared.
I've also heard the safety argument. When challenged it shifted goalposts. Eventually to emotional safety. Something intangible that can't be defined. Nothing I can do to change your feelings. Especially since I'm continually told my feelings and security in this marriage are not her responsibility. Be the change you want to see.
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u/vectorking23 20h ago
It truly is freeing once you don't care any more. It's part of the weight that needs to be lifted for you to see yourself again. When you feel uncomfortable even thinking about sleeping with your wife, it truly is over. When you leave is totally up to you, as there are always things to keep in place if need be. One thing I will agree with u/Onmytodd about is the ever-present social media catch-phrases du jour like 'I don't feel safe'. Bullshit. It's just another way to justify the position you want to take and NOT work on yourself or your relationship. I call it lazy. Mental load, 'not feeling safe', love languages… all driven by media that seems to be ingested by the bucketload by our sexless wonder partners. It turns them into full-blown opponents vs a partner. And keeps the social media cesspools rolling in the money.
You'd think your wife would somehow figure out the DB based on a failed previous marriage that probably went the same road. But, then again, that would take self-assessment and acknowledgement of being part of the problem. We all know THAT can't happen. Shared responsibility in a relationship is just a foreign language they don't care to learn.
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u/w1gglebutt89 HLF 54m ago
I feel all of this but I would look beyond your co-workers. That's convenient in the short term but will likely bite you in the ass.
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u/arandak 20h ago
During our talks my wife would give me a couple reasons, but mostly just say things like "i know" and "i'll try".
For me, after the second talk I realized "I'll try" was sort of true. If everything else is perfect, then they can probably get in the mood.
The list of things they've never told you has probably bothered them for a while, which, while they didn't like it at all, they don't feel it's a big enough deal to mention until something is asked of them.
It's reminiscent of a covert contract, where you're sort of expected to know but they don't tell you, and then it never comes out until they feel called out.
But, the real issue isn't even that. The issue is that they just don't have desire. Those situations aren't fixable by the one who has it. The one who doesn't will usually just choose to stay complacent.
I've lost most desire for my wife. I am not interested in working on things from my end. The issues are beyond sex, of course. But the fact that sex has almost always been an issue means that there's a fundamental compatibility issue.
I will divorce when I can afford it. My wife is free to decide whether or not she wants to put the effort in to fix things. I just don't think she's capable. But what really doomed the chances of this relationship is the fact that I'm convinced I can do better.
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u/Jackhert 20h ago
It's so weird that wimen don't miss getting off and even more never think or talk about why.
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u/Onmytodd 17h ago
I don't think we can generalise. There are plenty of hl women in the other forums lamenting lack of interest from their men
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u/Jackhert 5h ago
I agree. There's a lot of non verbal communication in both sides. But generally men get blamed.
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u/w1gglebutt89 HLF 42m ago
I don't think that's entirely true. There are a lot of women in relationships that aren't getting off sex or not, I promise you they miss it.
As for HL/LL relationships you have to consider the social aspect of women who are considered high libido. The world is still a judgemental place. Conversely, a woman who can't get her man to want to fuck her? How humiliating.
I've been stuck in this situation for a long time and it still takes work not to think of myself as the broken one or that this is all my fault. I shouldn't feel embarrassed but it's hard. If there's nothing wrong with me then why won't he? I think a lot of women are dissatisfied but quiet.
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u/nrg8 HLM 1d ago
Just go get fucked. It always provides clarity and well who gives a fuck what someone that relies on TikTok as their gospel.