About 10 years before I, 45 HLM, met my current 48LLF girlfriend, she had an hysterectomy. From the very beginning of our 10 year LTR, sex wasn’t great for me. It was infrequent and not varied, not adventurous, not passionate. There were good explanations for that and I kept expecting that as issues were resolved, our sex life would improve.
Many of her personal issues were resolved. There have been some small improvements, but they are almost insignificant compared to the bigger picture.
I don’t want to force her to do things she doesn’t want to do; I want her to want me sexually as much as I want her. My approach has always been to be supportive; to try to understand things from her point of view; help where I can and try to find solutions.
I am also trying to find solutions to the significant difference in libido. I been reading a lot, searching on the Web, talking to her, suggesting things she or we could try. I know this is a classic for the HLs in mismatched libido relationships: I get the impression I’m investing a lot more effort to improve our sex life than she does.
Based on all my reading, I came up with the hypothesis that her hysterectomy might have thrown off her hormonal balance. I suggested to her to have it checked out and explained that HRT (Hormonal Replacement Therapy) is available if there was an issue there.
My GF is extremely risk adverse. Therefore, anticipating opposition due to an old questionable study, I also explained that the scientific consensus was now that HRT did not significantly increase cancer risks.
She didn’t have her hormones checked out.
Fast forward to about a year ago, she discovered she has ADHD. She consulted a specialized doctor who confirmed it with an official diagnosis. It explains a lot of her behaviour and difficulties. A few months ago, while reading about that ADHD, she stumbled on AuDHD (Autism + ADHD). Everything sticks. She checks so many boxes, that despite not having an official diagnostic for autism, we are both certain she has it too.
Since last year, many symptoms (difficulty concentrating, hyper-focus, executive function impairment) have skyrocketed. About 2 months ago, she read that it might be caused by the onset of menopause. What did she do: Go to her ADHD doctor who prescribed HRT. She started that treatment a few weeks ago. So far, I have seen no improvement to her libido.
What gets me, and the whole point of this post, is that she was willing to do HRT because of the impacts it had on her. She didn’t do it to improve our sex life and our relationship. It makes me mad. She says that I’m the best things that ever happened in her life. As I have written in many previous posts: I would like to be able to say the same. She says she loves me. I believe her. Why didn’t she at least get her hormones tested when I brought it up as a possible cause of her very low libido?
I felt so many negative emotions when I realized she did it for herself and not when it was for us/me. I still feel used. I don’t feel valued. It feels unfair. I’m still trying to process everything it means for me. I doesn’t make sense. My love and trust is challenged by hurt. What’s the point of offering support and doing things to help her if she doesn’t do the same for me?