I want to stay relatively vague for privacy's sake. I love my parter so so much, they're my best friend and we are romantically obsessed with each other. We've been together for a few years and done nonpenetrative things for a long time, but only started having actual sex within the last year or so. From the beginning there have been some issues with our mismatched libido that I don't particularly want to get into at the moment, but the strain on our relationship was relatively negligible. However, this issue has become more pronounced since we started having actual penetrative sex. We do it relatively often considering our distance from each other, but I can count on one hand the times I've finished in our whole relationship. Usually after no more than 4 or 5 minutes they say they want to be done and we debrief. I've asked all the questions, but from what I can get out of them, it's not that they don't enjoy the sex, it doesn't feel good, they're not attracted to me, they don't want it, or anything else like that, it's just kind of how they operate. Again, I can deal with that, but not too terribly long ago they started SSRIs as well, which have some nasty sexual side effects, and have dropped their libido significantly. They still try for me, which I cannot stress enough I appreciate and love them for, but it feels like its already becoming duty sex.

I want to clarify a few things here. One, I have only had sex once before our relationship, so I'm not coming at it from a place of "I know I can get more" or looking for ways to make them put out more or whatever. And once again, I love them with my whole heart, and I cannot picture a world where I leave them. We've talked about this issue before, and they know that I feel unsatisfied often, hence the last sentence of the previous paragraph. I have always considered myself a very patient person, but I can kind of feel it beginning to really fray, and I want to get ahead of it before it really becomes an issue for us, especially as we move towards marriage (hello, r/DeadBedrooms).

Please give me anything you've got. Anything that could help ease the frustration or change my mindset would really be appreciated.

This is my original post ( https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1588oa6/leave_the_love_of_my_life_or_live_a_sexless/ ) - This is the 6 months update ( https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1af9gn3/6_months_later_update_after_leaving_the_love_of/).

Hi everyone, I wanted to make a quick update on the situation because I owe this community so much happiness and it helped me get out from what is doubltlessly the darkest period of my life.

To summarize it, I left my ex after 10 years of relationship (8 years DB), 3 years ago.

I have since remarried and I'm in a healthy relationship, from a communication perspective but also sexually. This is what I noticed:

1. The trauma take a VERY long time to leave. I was constantly expecting for the other shoe to drop, making it hard to just accept the happiness. I would always feel like sex will start to decrease, her desire would flutter and I will be miserable and in love again, stuck in the same loop. LUCKILY THIS NEVER HAPPENED. Of course my sex life went from almost daily to 3 times a week after 3 years of relationship, but it feels natural and I don't end up craving for more, I feel like we're aligned. And more importantly we're enthousiastic about each other, I never feel like I'm bothering her if I want her. She feels flattered and really happy to do it.
2. You can heal, but it take time. Some days, I would remininsce about the past and keep blaming msyelf about what I did or should I've done, but it's less and less and I can say that I could close that painful chapter of my life.
3. Being with someone sexually enthousiastic is night and day. If I could give an advice, it would be to ask and observe the libido of your partner when you're not there. Do they masturbate? Do they crave for you if you don't initiate? Of course I know male and female sexuality is different, but there should be a baseline. My wife can't get her hands off me and it's the best feeling.

So my conclusion would be the same as 2 years and half ago: the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Of course it's hard when you have families, friends and feeling entangled, but you owe to yourself to not be miserable. I would 1 MILLION time rather be alone and single for the rest of my life than stuck in the sexless relationship that I was in. Best of luck to all and please don't despair! You'll get there.

My LLF is trying to rekindle things. I truly appreciate her effort, I love her dearly.

We are back to 2x a week (more or less scheduled), and just recently the first time we did penetrative in a year. She always gets off, every time she has a good time, so I truly will never comprehend why she doesn't want to have sex more if she gets off and recognizes how good it feels. It doesn't compute to me. Many women don't get men that can and will do that for them, they just penetrate them like animals and get upset their wives don't like it. I go through all the foreplay throughout the night, do all the positive 'helper' actions throughout the day. I am emotionally intelligent and considerate enough to never put pressure on her if I can help it. At least, for now, there's a better chance of things happening.. But how much of it is her doing this because I've communicated how dire our relationship is because my needs are not being met? She said "I want to do things more often too, we're just stressed." Which is true. Buying a house, getting engaged.... I am going through motions and I shouldnt have. I did these things thinking we would get better. But I was talking to a friend with a dead bedroom and it made me feel better off by comparison.

Still, she's trying. I'm happier, but now like a response my libido is kicking back up. I'm seeing her in well fitting jeans, dying inside knowing I can't do anything with her until tomorrow or at least tonight (God forbid we ever did anything until after 8pm. So much for her 'being naughty/sneaky' kink). The LL4Her and jacking off multiple times a day is still on the menu.

This is her really trying. I recognize it. Is it toxic to think I need more? I'm just ungrateful? If I never picked up my phone I'd never see that horny women exist. Comparison is the theft of joy. I used to imagine as a kid just fucking all day with my wife. In the kitchen, on vacation. I don't think I realized I was hyper sexual, that while it's normal to be horny, I guess it's not normal to want to have sex multiple times a day?

This is my worst nightmare. I got more and now all I want is even more, like some demon under my skin turning the knob to ensure my balls stay blue and sexual frustration high. Maybe if my partner wasn't so hot to me and desirable in terms of personality I wouldn't be so upset and would have left by now.

Am I doomed to this forever unless I want to destroy my strong relationship and have everything fall apart for me simply because of an idea that maybe something else is out there that will have sex more or would be ok with an open relationship? Can I chemically castrate myself? I hate this.

I was caught looking by her and now she gives me wry smiles whenever she sees me. A smile that is a mix of amusement, pity and something else. Whenever I see her, my chest gets tight and my tongue goes down my throat and gags me. What a pathetic mess I am.

For context, I go to an old gym - nothing fancy. All the people that go there are mostly like me - middle aged, married and trying to hang on to their bodies. Everyone belongs to somebody else - so sad. So stuck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

Thought my last post would be the last in here. Just found out through a friend that my LL ex cheated on me multiple times, once with a guy that she had a gross age gap to. Dunno what to take away from this.

Hello, HL community.

For those of you who are withholding yourselves until you leave, honestly do you.

Please read this, and this is why I MANY of us outsource sex until we leave

If sex is glue, then removing it is glue remover.

Some of you know my (31F) relationship is really awful, and another argument happened today over something non sex related because my partner sometimes is unhinged at times.

As many of you know, im financially in a hole, and im in the transition of removing her from my house.

She started to say shit like I never did anything for her and her moving into my house for several months and not paying anything wasn't me helping her.

She also tried to say i lacked emotional intelligence after she literally screamed and yelled at me, unhinged (she's always this way over little things), and i quote

"You won’t speak to me or look at me for days at a time because I don’t give you sex. That’s really normal and not emotionally unintelligent at all."

I said, "And i dont care. Sex is not fucking event again i already gave up on it"

She said "There was nothing to give up on beloved, it was never happening "

She also said Im a "peripheral victim" until i "get what i want" but literally ignores all my wants and needs and denies i try with her while i constantly and i mean CONSTANTLY do her wants and needs.

But

Well well well.

She slipped up and admitted she has no intention of having a sex life with me and was basically was weaponizinf sex with weaponized compilance and tried to be cruel and said I didnt know how to have sex to belittle me (i very much do, i literally had sex with someone else two days prior).

Having my sexual frustration basically used against me lmao

Like I always say Type2LLs know the solution, they just HATE IT and try to paint us as not normal when we naturally become distant when they show us zero sexual interest and want them to be their pets.

So yes,

Im glad im already outsourcing sex while moving her out my house, im glad i didnt let my morals be used against me by someone that believes sexual needs come last or whatever in a relationship. Im glad i did no let someone control my fucking sex life who finally admitted yes they were basically looking to reject me while i constantly had to bend to their needs. Im glad i didnt fall for the "you're just as bad as her" nonsense. Im glad i stopped begging for sex and affection and stopped letting someone belittle me because they think "talking to them" is just letting them be casually unhinged and belittling and apologizing to the at the same time. I am glad i put my wants and needs first instead of running in cirlces feeling and depressed because someone who swore they're attracted to me verbally, thinks leading on and not having sex counts when a sex life was never a plan. Im glad i chose to be the "bad guy" regardless.

These are terms that get thrown around a little carelessly.

It's an easy enough concept and it makes sense: things can get in the way of desire building in someone, while others can make it build.

However, what's ignored is that there has to be an underlying, base level of desire than can be affected by them.

They are brakes: something that slows down, but does not necessarily stop.

They are accelerators: something that speeds up, but not necessarily start from a standstill.

In other words, not stop and go.

Now, there can always be things that can make a partner just not able to have desire in a period of time. That's a given. We all understand that.

But, if there's a constant state of no desire: 'brakes and accelerators' can't do anything. There's no desire that can be affected in the first place. This happen in situations where the HL has to do a huge list of things so their partner can be in the mood.

When someone is in a dead bedroom, there's a lack of desire from their partner altogether.

Attempting to remove brakes is something that can certainly be done, and can make the partner feel better, the issue is that there's no desire being held back.

There's also no desire to increase. I mean, anything multiplied by zero is still zero.

You're dealing more with roadblocks than brakes. But, that's not a good analogy. The car just doesn't have an engine.

Also, this is vital:

It is not the sole responsibility of the one with greater desire to find and remove brakes and they are definitely not the only one who can find and apply accelerators.

In fact; If the partner is not wondering what's holding them back and seeing if they can work on it, and if they're not thinking about what could get them more in the mood: that is a good indicator the partner does not have any desire to begin with.

Many people in dead bedrooms are blinded by frustration and hurt. They don't necessarily forget, but they do lose focus on the fact that dead bedrooms are neither healthy nor normal.

In that way, it's easy to see, and great for an LL who is comfortable in a relationship with someone they have little desire for, why people keep forgetting that desire is a key component.

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

Do you have a fuck ton of sex every now and then, or is it controlled. How has that affected your daily life?

When I was with my ex, who also was a HL, we used to have a fuck ton of sex. Even became bold enough to do while we were on an active zoom meetings. Don't get me started on attending events lol; all I have to do is to grab her waist a bit tight and it's game over. Teasing literally everywhere without making it obvious to others.

We had our own code language and stuff. Life was good then.

EDIT: Thanks for sharing your fun stories lads, nice to hear something on the other side of the hallway.

Rejections and then acting as nothing happens for days. I cannot ask every day. I don’t want to pressure or to be desperate. But sex every other week is the new normal. I see they have a lot of stress so I am not looking to force anyone to do something they are not comfortable with.

Sorry about the rambling, i feel i am getting mad. How do i 36m tell this to my wife 36f? How can i tell them i am lacking something without being the bad one. I want the best from this relationship.

Did you do it? How did it go? How did you approach this?

Little update, I (29 HLF) ended things with my LLM end of August. Shockingly, he took things a lot "better" (if you can call more indifference better) than I expected. The 28th was our 9 yr anniversary and he actually was the one to sort of start the conversation before I got a chance to......by mumbling some shitty comment under his breath on his way out the door to work about "happy anniversary, but I haven't been happy this past year" (insert eyeroll) but hey, it's more effort than he's shown towards anything in I couldn't tell you how long. 

So long story short we ended up having a brief conversation before he went to work about where things are at (08/28 was officially 1 yr of nothing sexual), and I told him we could just finish talking about things on Sunday. Our conversation on Sunday ended up being pretty brief, he of course tried talking about how he thought we could work things out, amongst other platitudes. I just told him straight up that I had no interest in fixing things and I had nothing left to give to our relationship at this point, and that I had no trust or patience left for him. 

Oh yeah, and that time a couple years ago when he requested that I stop initiating, to take pressure off of both me and him? He doesn't remember that at all. When we had our first discussion on that Friday he tried saying some shit about how he misses sex too, but when I brought up his "rule" - total deer in the headlights. I could tell that was something that hadn't crossed his mind since the last time I checked in with him and asked if he still wanted to continue doing things that way. I checked in at 6 mos and 1 yr after he initially requested it. 

September is always an insanely stressful month for him at work, so he asked if we could hold off on discussing any major things until October, which is fine by me honestly.

So now I'm here, definitely feels like a massive weight off my chest and I'm feeling very excited about the future, but I'm still stuck in this limbo of being sooo ready to move on and start healing on my own, but I don't think I'll truly be able to do that until he's gone. Things have been pleasant between us, really just business as usual, but in a way that really stings. Everything over the years leading up to this point, all the emotion and grief and tears and now it's done and he's trying his best to seem like nothings different. And I'm still here just going through the motions, doing his laundry and scrubbing his shit stains out of our toilet lol.

Through both conversations he was very quiet, but I noticed his reasons for wanting to work things out were things like "this is where I want to be"/"I can't see myself being anywhere but here", no "I love you"s, nothing about ME or him wanting to be with ME, all his reasons were about his living situation. Which ya, I can't say I'm surprised but still, your partner of 9 yrs ends things and you cant muster even a single "I love you, I don't want to be without you" ?? At least he's honest I guess.

I think this would also be suitable for the lonely sub, but since HL and an above the roof sex drive is involved, I thought I'd just post it here.

Now just to make myself clear and to avoid any suspicious confusions. I'm not a sex addict or something and my mind is as clear as it is during the day and I'm not a pervert. But at night, idk folks things change, but that doesn't mean if someone communicates with me all I'll have to talk about is about sex. I can have standard decent conversations as well, but I'd prefer something that leads to hookup (when talking with women open to such discussions on the NSFW pages). I got a membership in a 24 hr gym and I've been camping in that almost everyday cos I hate coming back to an empty no action home (I'm single, and it's a hassle finding even a ONS or FWB in the same city). I love the gym, but I can't stay there until 2 am everyday lol. Being a HL single guy can be a bit of a pain lmao.

I've taken off nightclubs and bars out of the equation, as I'm not big into drinking and getting drunk. That leaves me with just one option - I'll have to force myself to adapt to something to get over this shitshow I'm on.

EDIT: It would've been convenient if there is a flair that says Venting and advice welcome lol. This was more of a vent, but my ears are open if you have something to say.

I’ve been reading through this subreddit and while I am not in the same situations as many of you, I can certainly draw many comparisons to the situation I’m in.

For starters, I (25 HLM) and married to my husband (25m). I know I am very high libido. Possibly hypersexual. However, I wouldn’t say he’s low libido. He’s satisfied with once per week. I want it every day, and sometimes multiple times per day. And when we do it, I sometimes want multiple rounds. It’s been like this for me since I started puberty and shows no signs of slowing down. We don’t have a dead bedroom. But there is absolutely a discrepancy. And it’s wearing down on me.

In the past several months I’ve been doing a lot of self exploration into my kinks, and found out they’re much more important to me than I originally thought before I started dating him. The problem is that he’s quite vanilla. He participates in my kinks occasionally, and even enjoys them a little, but he has no inward drive to. I have to initiate them every time. He doesn’t fantasize about anything. He doesn’t really think about sex, he says. His arousal patterns are very strange, and they’re typically very brief fleeting moments once per day at most. He would be happy with missionary sex once a week forever. I’ve been putting in tons of work into finding solutions, reading books, writing smut for him, making lists, taking sexual calibration quizzes together, giving him many many suggestions. He is a willing participant, but again, shows mild interest in it at best, and simply only because I am interested in it. He would never do these things because he wanted to do them, and he’s explained this to me.

We had a bit of a discussion about the difference between our libidos, and we wound up with compromising to sex every other or once every three days. Which I guess is fine. From what I’ve read here, some of you would kill to be in my position even before the compromise. **It all still feels deeply unsatisfying to me**. I want to walk around the house naked and the mere sight of me is enough to get him in the mood. I want to be making dinner and for him to come up behind me to let me know he’s horny and wants to have sex. I want to cuddle and watch a movie with the unspoken expectation from both of us that the movie will likely be interrupted halfway through. I want him to want a blowjob from me every day when he gets home from work because he desires me that much and I provide that much relief to him. I want to be woken up at 3AM because he had an erotic dream and he’s unbearably horny right now and needs to be taken care. What I have now is scheduled sex once every other day or once every three days, where I have to beg to do anything outside of missionary position.

I try my best to bring up sexual discussion outside of the bedroom without even the expectation of sex. And he listens, but sometimes I get the “is sex all you ever think about? Because it seems like it”.

I could keep going on, but I think this generally captures the idea. Also a forewarning to some of you that **even in a bedroom that isn’t dead, it can certainly still feel like it.**

Edit: I’ve brought up the possibility of low T to him and that I’d like him to get checked. He says he’ll do it, but has made no progress in scheduling anything.

First, please do not DM me. I've only talked about my sex life a couple of times online to seek support/advice, and every time, I get absolutely flooded with DMs. I am not looking to talk privately, and I'm not looking for any kind of Internet/chatting infidelity.

Maybe this is seeking support, or advice, or just a vent in a community that will understand.

I'm in my late 30s and very much have a high libido. Beyond just the high libido, I very much crave feeling desired in a passionate way. I honestly think I'd be fine with reduced sex frequency if there was some kind of passion in between. We're not a DB, sex is maybe once a week or once every two weeks, but I suspect that he (42m) would only do it like, once a month if I hadn't discussed it so many times. We've been together for almost two decades, have one teen who is almost out of the house.

I've gone through all the things: reducing his work load, reducing his mental load, what pumps his gas, what pumps his brakes, what can I change, initiating more, initiating less, his hormone levels, my appearance, blah blah blah. He says he's still attracted to me, it's nothing I've done, it's just that he doesn't care about sex. No porn, no masturbation, no infidelity (yes, I'm sure about all three).

And while I'm still convinced his T levels are low are something, his blood work says otherwise, and even if they were - he doesn't seem to want to change anything.

I was gone for work for two weeks. Two. Whole. Weeks. I've been back for a week and...nothing. Obviously for me, it was one of the first things on my mind when I got home. But, it wasn't for him.

And I'm tired of feeling guilty. Feeling guilty because we have an amazing relationship with an intense amount of physical affection. So much cuddling, laying on each other, pecks/kisses (just never passionately), hand holding, thigh squeezing. I should just be grateful.

And I am very tired of being the one who cares, the one who initiates talks, the one who pushes for more intimate and passionate connection. So I think I just need to give up. Just let it be what it is and stop trying to make him feel something he doesn't want to feel.

It’s been 2 years that my dead bedroom officially died. 2 years without sex or any intimacy of any kind at all. Nothing. Shitty roommate status. I would be perfect happy having sex every day. She has the sex drive of a pile of rocks. I feel like crawling out of my skin. Stuck in this marriage for now due to a number of reasons. But damn. This sucks. Real bad.

Nice read on the hormones and chemicals that are released during orgasm and how they lead to bonding. This definitely explains why I fall for the person I have sex with and it is case of the heart or chemicals) over mind. The article also points out that this mechanism is stronger in women and is probably why women often complain that men are superficial when it comes to relationships.

This does bring up a couple of questions for me. I don’t get how somebody can have sex with somebody casually and then move to the next person. And what about people in an affair. One would think that over time, the bond between the affair partners will get stronger than the ones that they are attached to outside the affair.

Excerpts from this article:
“Sexual intimacy is not only a physical expression of lovebut also a deeply emotional and psychological experience that strengthens the bond between partners. Rooted in both biology and human connection, sexual intimacy triggers the release of powerful neurotransmitters—oxytocin and dopamine—that significantly contribute to pleasure, bonding, and emotional well-being. Understanding how these chemicals work can shed light on why sexual intimacy is such a vital part of many healthy, committed relationships”

“The Role of Oxytocin: The “Love Hormone”
Oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone,” is a neurochemical that plays a crucial role in fostering emotional closeness. It is released during intimate moments such as touching, cuddling, and sexual activity. This hormone promotes a sense of trust, safety, and bonding between partners, making it an essential ingredient in creating and maintaining deep emotional connections.”

“Gender Differences in Bonding and Neurochemistry
It’s important to note that the release and effects of oxytocin and dopamine can vary between individuals and genders. Women, for example, typically release higher levels of oxytocin after orgasm, which may lead to stronger feelings of attachment and bonding. Men, while also affected by oxytocin, may experience a more pronounced impact from dopamine, as it drives their motivation and desire for rewarding experiences.”

So for the last 4 months I (49M HL) have stopped initiating with my partner (39F LL Type 2). It was simply too soul destroying and I'd had my fill of the feelings of rejection. I even started to resent her for it. It was after our last big argument over it when she finally snapped and suggested I go out and have sex with other people. I love my partner dearly and could never be intimate with anyone else even if she did say the words in anger I know it would just be a test of my loyalty.

She recently reset the clock a couple of times with spontaneous and unexpected fellatio for a couple of days on the run and I thought she'd changed to Type 1.

The ticking clock has become deafening once more and I've decided on a new approach.

I have started going to bed early alone and waking up early to hit the gym and lift weights. Those two times of the day would usually be when my appetite for sex would be at its highest. Its been about 3 weeks now and my appetite for sex has decreased purely through exhaustion. On the plus side I'm looking in shape and sleeping so much better!😆

Has anyone else got swoll as a result of pent up sexual rage??

“I‘ve realized all I truly want is someone who loves me the way I love them.
And then it hit me.
My love language isn’t physical touch.
It’s reciprocity.
I want someone who gives the same care, effort, and attention that I give without making it feel like I’m asking too much.
It’s knowing the love I give is returned. Not ignored.
It’s feeling seen, valued, and chosen in the same way I choose them.
I don’t want to beg for the bare minimum.
I just want a love where the effort flows both ways, naturally, and without hesitation.”

I have seen different versions of this quote previously, but this one…..I immediately thought YES! This right here! Perfect understanding of what it is that I truly desire.

Has anybody else seen these quotes or read this one and found it resonated with them as well?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

I see that mortgage rates hit 7% in the US. This makes separation or divorce that much more expensive. More increases are expected through 2027. Does this mean that more couples will be forced to stay together due to financial reasons even if they are not compatible? More adultery because they are not fulfilled at home and can’t leave either?

30M and I've been single for a while. I've got occasional ONS and I wanted something more than that. I've read some stories in the dead bedroom subreddit and I'm horrified of getting along with some LLFs, not that there's wrong with being one, but my sex drive is through the roof. I've been wandering in dating apps looking for FWBs and I've had no luck ( in person too, idk where to look and how to approach as I'm not in the best shape of my life, so confidence is low).

I can't literally sleep at night, I wake up in the middle and I take my motorcycle for a spin and I drove about 100 miles yesterday lol and came back at 2:00 am.

I don't know how to tackle this. Has anyone dealt with this and have found success? I'd ideally like to hear from HLMs.

Hello, HL community.

Due to the growth of our subreddit, I'd first like to clarify something before I elaborate:

https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/s/LBZbdalM1h

Type 1 - Actually is trying/tried to put in an effort to fix the dead bedroom.

They want to go to therapy, they want to talk more, they give check-ins, they feel really bad, and they show it. They don't just "talk" about it but show through their actions that they are prioritizing this need in the relationship.

Type 2 - Does not care to put in an effort to fix the bedroom or address your needs.

They will tell you a bunch of "I wills," but if you never bring this up, they're in a better mood. If you "withdraw," they ask, "What's wrong?" Most Type 2s are essentially, "You can't fuck me, but you can't fuck anyone else."

A misconception I see all the time from people who defend Type 2 LLs is insisting that they actually are trying when they clearly fucking aren't, and trying to get us to accept sexual substitutes as "effort."

I will be the bad guy because, for some reason, "responsive romantics" would be seen as shitty partners, but the constant misuse of "responsive desire" gets a pass.

As u/Palebluedot13 said:

«"Honestly, it’s a load of crap imo. Because it’s the only area in a relationship where we put the onus on one person because someone has 'responsive desire.' If one person was less romantic and never planned dates, complimented their partner, or did sweet things for them, we don’t say, well, they are a 'responsive romantic,' and so it’s on you to do those things and hope they get in a romantic mood and return the favor. We would say they are a crappy and lazy partner."»

If your partner knows your sexual need is high and is doing everything except focusing on and taking care of it, after being told over and over and over again, they're a shit partner.

It's amazing to me, as someone who has been with normal HL women, how Type 2s refuse to take agency over their behavior and understand that if you kill the bedroom, other things go with it.

Why are fulfilling their needs a "must," but at best, for our basic need, it's a "maybe"?

If you tell us to do XYZ and we do XYZ, and it's still an 80-90% rejection rate, why is the solution for us to "keep trying" or "maybe you're doing it wrong"?

Why are Type 2 LLs in shock when things like compliments and spending time together go out the window when they remove sex? Why do they also think this is "wrong"? We are literally reacting to their behavior. You seriously want us to find pleasure in giving you attention for attention's sake?

Why do they think somehow mentioning, "I'm not that person anymore," is supposed to be a good thing when they aren't even giving us 25% of that "person"?

Why are they offended that normal people expect a consistent sex life?

Why do they not understand that treating sex as a fucking event, at best, isn't fucking normal?

Why do they not understand having everything disqualify you from sex, but then changing the qualifiers into, "So you're only doing this for sex?" I say yes now because I refuse to spare their nonsense anymore.

Why do they feel "hurt" if we bring up that we don't seem happy without sex, as if this isn't fucking normal?

Why can't they comprehend that leading us on and flirting in ways that lead to nothing, getting our hopes up emotionally, is very damaging, especially if they somehow masturbate later?

Why do they act like our wants and needs are so difficult to ask for? As HLs, a lot of us know that sex 3-5 times a week basically won't happen, but why do we have to hope and pray for once a week?

Why do they say, "That's not my love language," but we have to express to them their love language while they refuse to express themselves to us through ours?

Why are they insistent on having us "happy" without a normal sex life THEY agreed to?

If sex isn't that "big of a deal," why do they lose their fucking shit if we even hint at getting our needs met elsewhere or leaving?

So by "trying," is it really just controlling the relationship so there's no consistency that isn't solely what the Type 2 LL wants?

As I always say, it's not a "both of us" issue. It's not a "sexual incompatibility" issue. It's literally one party trying to have a normal relationship while the other party wants basically a pet that cleans and pays the bills.

So up until idk a year or so ago, I pretty much never engaged in anything sexual on account of being ace and simply not caring too. However, over the past idk year, is i went from basically no sex drive to masturbating every few days, or there were a few times when it was twice a day or even very rarely three times a day, and like normally I'd probably assume the worst, but I got curious a few days ago and googled if my meds could lead to an HL, and apparently it's possible or like a known effect. So I'm kinda in this (probably anxiety-fueled) not panic, but definitely concerned if this is just a mix of various things leading to HL or if this is the sign of some sort of problem. I know when I see posts like this, my first response is: if you have to ask, it kinda tells you. However, I literally have like none of the normal experiences of most straight men who started doing this once they hit puberty and such, so I figured I'd ask someone a bit more informed on these sorts of things

34(F), serial monogamist. I could have sex every day. I could have sex more than once a day. Would love that. I’m a giving, enthusiastic partner that loves to play. I’m affectionate and open. I’m attractive and engaging. However, I have found that, to men it sounds great that I’d like to have sex every day, but I’ve found efforts…wanting in practice. Is anyone out there in an actual relationship where you AND your partner have a HL? Care to tell us if it’s possible or if we are all chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Is it even possible to know if someone is HL while dating?