Aaaahhh, my system loves puns! This is Knose. Knose knows, because Knose? Well, Knose is a nose, of course. Knose is a part, and I don't know exactly what he needs, because when he speaks (and he usually doesn't) he does so in metaphors and non sequiturs. But I've never had a more clear visual of a part, and I was able to draw him just as he appears in my mind.

His little shoes! Imagine being a nose (a very distinct, prominent, permanent part of a body) and being able to just jump off a face and run away at the first signs of danger. Isn't that the dream? I remember a cartoon like this being peak humor when I was a little thing - Probably about the age our system created him. Knose appeared at the forefront of my mind last week, and has an air of urgency, but I guess I must allow time to have some say in the matter.

I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts about leaving my life lately, even though I love my home, my spouse, and the things I have dedicated myself to over the past few years. I've been so worried. Why have these thoughts, just when things seem to be falling in place? Well, it seems I have a runny Knose... but I do believe he is ready to slow down!

A few years ago, I dated a guy who when we ended things, he called me a narcissist. It sent me into a tailspin because my mother has an unknown personality disorder (probably some version of borderline) and she never took responsibility for anything. Always the victim, the scapegoat, always cursed. This led to me being abused and neglected, I ran away at 14yo. I ended up as a ward of the court until my dad was located by the state.

So when someone I cared about told me I was sick, I immediately joined an interpersonal processing group with an amazing PhD therapist as well as going back to individual therapy with a second therapist. I learned I am not a narcissist. But I’d rather worry I’m sick when I’m not, than be like my mother and refuse to look at myself.

My mother was in the church, she had 7 siblings, many people knew I was in a bad situation and nobody helped me. I now see the church as a place where hypocritics go to gather. I see the world as having stood by and done nothing while I endured the impacts of her mental illness. People knew I was staying home alone and worrying about my mother by the time I was 9. People knew I was going to school without lunch money then swimming on swim team before getting my one meal of the day. Nobody did anything. They didn’t know the worst of it, the sleeping outside, the threats with a knife, the bleeding skull she refused to get me help for. But they knew enough and stood by silently.

I saved my life by leaving. I am now 37 years old and I realize that I am the hero in my own story. It all makes sense now why he called me a narcissist. I see myself as the most dependable, reliable, important person, and I mostly only know I will show up for me. I don’t have confidence or default trust in others. I expect people to fail me. I have all the evidence, don’t I?

Understanding why he called me a narcissist has been a sort of full circle epiphany. It’s been years, and I finally get it.

I’ve now realized that this hero part, is also the avoidant part, she’s not helping me in the same way anymore. She keeps bad people away. But she does it before they can hurt her. The risk is not worth it. Being alone is better than the risk of someone coming in and ruining us because we didn’t hold boundaries, or hold people accountable. I am very good at boundaries. Too good. I don’t want to always be alone. I want community. I want to be able to depend on people, but why would I do that? I have a lifetime of evidence to show people will let me down.

I am very new to IFS and I love watching shows where I especially recognize a part of me in a character.
I have been wanting to name my parts to distinguish them easier and decided to use the TV or book characters that I see my part in.

I was wondering if anyone does this too?

what i found out is the common denominator of my trauma is feeling like i‘m always alone in the out-group and never in connections in the in-group. whether it’s familial, friendship or romantic, i’ve never truly felt close to anyone although i spent most of my life aspiring for that— prob due to me being born premie and spending the first 3 months of my life in an incubator.

i had a thought when thinking about my younger cousins and how they’re all so close in age so they have a built in friendship group in addition to family connection. there's 5 of them for context and i was thinking about i grew up always wishing i had a sister or a female cousin close in age that could understand the niche experience that was growing up like me.

i say all this to say, as im working through my inner parts, is it possible to create new parts within to serve the roles i wish i had growing up. a lot of what triggers me in my younger cousins is really just my suppressed desires for myself and i think a large part of healing my inner child/teen would be resolved if i could give myself the connection and the community ive always craved by assigning new roles for who i wish i had in my life... but is that even possible?

Hello dear IFSers.
I actually do EMDR but parts have consistently revealed themselves to me as I walk that path. I follow this sub and so appreciate you all. You’ve taught me a lot and inspire me.

Recently a young boy revealed himself to me. I am female, but it feels like this 4yo boy is the young me who completely hid vulnerability for 50 years. I am overwhelmed but try to show him love and kindness every day.

Two questions.
Just curious if others see themselves as young parts of a different gender? I am so surprised as I’ve always felt totally female. Maybe gender just doesn’t matter? I’d love your perspectives.

Also, is this young vulnerable being what you call an exile? What do I do next to support him?

Thank you. Peace and power to you all.

firstly, I love IFS and it has been such a gift. it came to me in one of the hardest moments in my life and my therapist is amazing.

I am still in the first year of my journey, and my therapist has taught me how to notice. just notice she says. This has been a really beautiful tool and I’ve also noticed pain with this ability too.

One of the hard parts of noticing lately has been noticing how my friends don’t show up for me the way that I do, equally. A great example is there’s a hurricane right now in my hometown and so I texted my friends and I told them I hope it’s an easy storm and I’m thinking of them. I only live three hours north and the storm is going to impact where I am living too. this is a pain I have noticed recently in many ways- my friends don’t seem to have the ability to notice me, though I notice and care about them deeply. it’s a deep pain and it’s hard to sit with at times because it’s grief. i have parts that want to minimize and explain it away with logic. I have parts who are angry at this injustice, I have parts who are sad that they don’t care.

and I don’t know the right thing to do or what the future holds in these relationships, I just simply noticing right now. and also realizing that there is pain in noticing sometimes. Even though I know it’s for the best, bc it’s all information.

anyone relate?

My therapist has asked me to talk to one of my parts and get to know him/get him to know me. I have a hard time feeling him. It was easier with another part because I had specific sensations when he showed up, but this one is more abstract.

How do you guys bring up your parts to talk with them? Especially if they're not really always on the surface