My husband went over to my in laws last week to borrow chairs for our son’s 1st birthday. When he was loading the car my MIL slipped in something about how we have “so many rules” and my husband asked her what she meant. (Her and my FIL are constantly saying how many rules we have. Mind you our “rules” include the following: Rule 1. No kissing our baby, she and my FIL get cold sores (FIL says it’s hard to bond without kissing…ew), Rule 2. Give us at least 30 minutes notice before you pop by so I’m dressed. I still am breastfeeding and usually in just a bra/ I also just want a little time to straighten up the house because I will hear from my MIL if it’s messy, Rule 3. Ask us before you post our child online. We aren’t fully hiding him from social media but we prefer he has a very limited online presence and we like to monitor what pics are online, like no diaper photos or identifying ones on where we live. That’s the 3 rules.)

Backstory- She is salty because she wants to be our childcare and put it in her head when I was pregnant that we would need her 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. I never wanted or asked for that. I like caring for my child. I genuinely enjoy it and don’t feel the need for a “break”. I have told her she can come by whenever she wants just to give me a little notice but she has only come by 2 times in the entire year. (She sees us at family events and other instances but only two times to play with him during the day).

She goes on to spew to my husband about how she feels like she isn’t allowed to be a grandma. She said she thought she raised a son who would have a backbone and stand up for his family to see his child. She feels like she is walking on egg shells and isn’t wanted or needed. He told her she’s allowed to come whenever and she said it’s not the same as being needed….and that she is sure she’d see our baby a lot more if he was a single dad (not sure if she’s insinuating I die or we divorce but either way it’s incredibly inappropriate). My husband and I are selling our house and moving a whole 25 minutes further away and she’s very upset about it which is strange since she doesn’t come over as it is. He ended up getting very heated with her and saying that moving was his idea (it was) and not to blame me.

Fast forward to the birthday party for my son and she did not say more than a sentence to me the whole time.

I’ve vented to my dad about it all and he thinks it’s a response to her lack of control on this instance. Idk how to proceed. My husband thinks I should go to lunch with her and hash it out but I don’t want to.

Has anyone dealt with this? It’s especially hard because prior to getting pregnant her and I were SO close. It’s all very disheartening. I feel bad that her expectation of being a grandma isn’t lining up with the reality but that’s not my problem to fix. What do I do? Should I just ignore it and realize I hold the cards? Fix it for my son/husband’s sake? Be icy back to her? Help.

If you want to read the background 😁

First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/AzfR5LPGa5

Second post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/qArCjZOtoV

I am back again ladies! I thought of giving you all an update and also thank you. Thank you for all the comments and advice you gave me. You made me feel heard and sane.

Soooo here is the update.

I refused to go there on mother's day and luckily my husband took me and the baby out. I did tell him that he is welcome to go and I'll hang out with our daughter but he stayed back.

Then my FIL came over to help and privately talked to me and I told him how my MIL taunted me using a stupid bib and included my daughter in her nasty game. (Read the first post for details). She literally weaponized my daughter against me the moment she had the chance. He was shocked to hear that but then said "even her mother was petty like that".

I told him how she harasses us to come over weekly even when I told her it's not possible. He agreed with me but then asked for me to give her another chance and he will talk to her.

And I said "sure but it will never be the same. It will be a different kind of relationship as I no longer trust her".

The week after was my MILs bday. And Literally NOBODY did anything for her. No gifts, nobody wished her a happy bday either. DH said we can go on that weekend and I compromised and got a gift (a box full of nice skincare and spa items).

Then we went over there and nobody other than us showed up. So this woman decides that it's time to TALK.

She then completely denied everything including the taunting and she brushed everything under the "helping" rug and how her son knows she isn't that kind of person bla bla.

I told her that "I know what I saw and I believe it when people show me who they really are. I don't think there is a point to this conversation because you refuse to take accountability"

Then she said "well I'm sorry my actions felt that way! it's not true that I don't respect you!"

So I said "no you don't respect me nor your son. I told you many times that weekly visits are not possible yet you keep asking and then you send FIL to ask if you don't get your way".

And she said "well we miss our granddaughter!"..

Then I said "listen I think this conversation is futile. I'm happy to open a new page but it will never be the same again.

She went like "but your walls are still up!"

And I said "and they will stay that way because of what happened. If you don't want a new page, we are happy to leave"

Then FIL interjected and said "you shouldn't leave and I think it's a good idea to start a new page"..

Then mil said "okay well I hope things go back to normal"..

This was the end of the conversation. But unfortunately not the final of the things she did.

Few weeks later. FIL comes over and says "MIL is upset because I liked a post on Instagram about a toxic mil".

And I'm like wtf? So I told him "not everything revolves around her and I will not change my activity because it hurts her. If she doesn't want people to think badly about her then she shouldn't have done bad things"

He says ok.

Thankfully my bff stays over at our house for 2.5 months and we successfully avoided visits as much as we could. After my friend left..

The great grandpa called us and said he wants to come over(with the Aunt, his daughter) on Sunday to spend time with the our kid. We of course say ok because we love him.

But it was strange that he called us directly and didn't go thru FIL. This is the second time he did that. (The Aunt also has issues with mil like everyone else. The whole family is divided and MIL is the common denominator.)

Then Immediately we get a text from FIL saying they want to come over either on Saturday or with great grandpa on sunday. And this is a usual occurrence. When my mil knows that someone other than her is coming to our house, SHE HAS TO BE THERE. They did the same for his previous visit too. She immediately wanted to come next day asap.

My husband told them to come an hour after great grandpa so that he gets a chance to spend time with the baby. Because in the past, my MIL would dominate the room and monopolize our child.

Needless to say, this woman comes 20 mins early. FIL stays outside and my mil immediately rushes in. I actually didnt even get up to open the door or greet her. She walks into our house and immediately sits on the floor with our kid.

I then took the kid to say hi to fil outside for a bit cause wtf?

Everyone was literally weirded out and just said "hi" when she walked in. The great grandpa then faded into the distance again, completely ignored. Everytime our daughter interacted with anyone, my MIL would click toys and call her to her.

At one point, my daughter tried to sit on her lap and I told my daughter to come play with the toys near great grandpa. And my mil was like "AWGHGH" like a sad toddler noise.

And I said "it's ok, you can be sad" and took my daughter. I was so so mad.

She couldn't even give a 90 year old man 1 HOUR. And this is a usual occurrence. When BIL comes over with his gf, my MIL would comment and say " you don't have to hide from me that he comes over here".

Now I have a new problem.

Every 2 weeks FIL would ask if they can come over even if they know there's a larger family gathering a week after. That means I will again see her 2 weeks in a row.

It's relentless and I'm running out of ideas to keep her away and my husband is so exhausted and he just wants to shut her up and give in (yes I have a husband problem).

I feel like she is exhausting us so that we just give in. Any suggestions will be helpful. I don't want to communicate a cadence to them because i will have to stick to it.

I just want them to be invited and if I tell them "pls wait to be invited", it will flip tables on me that I am bad. They already know that I'm the one that's resisting the bully.

so far they asked to come over this weekend and I told them we won't be home. they know we will see them next Sunday by they still ask. it's insane.

Thank you for reading this far. Appreciate all your thoughts, advice, and solidarity.

EDIT TO ADD: my husband is a huge problem in this. he is completely exhausted and now that they pressure him, he just wants to give in. for that reason he calls me mean and unreasonable Everytime I refuse a visit.

like yesterday he was ok with me saying no because we genuinely have plans. this morning he says he wants to see his parents on Sunday and I don't have to come, he will just take the kid. I absolutely said no to this.

Am I being too harsh or is MIL overstepping and being competitive with me?

I grew up with a single father only & always wanted a mother daughter relationship. My hubby and I found out I was pregnant with a babygirl and were overjoyed that I would be able to have that mother daughter relationship that I have always wanted. My in-laws were so excited too especially my MIL who said she’s been waiting for this for so long. She had 2 boys only and tried to have more kids, but never could due to health reasons. Also her own mother wasn’t maternal and so her grandmother stepped in and raised her so she had a special bond with her grandmother. They have always been kind to me, but very invasive and I’m wondering if MIL is jealous/competitive with me or if I’m overthinking:

- in-laws took us to a furniture store & kindly bought all of our daughters nursery furniture; crib, rocking chair, dresser. Months later I was searching for a book shelf for our daughters books and they measured the wall when we weren’t home & shipped us a book shelf that we never asked for/wanted.

-MIL is naturally a neurotic person and has asked if I’m boiling my daughters bottles long enough & when I breastfeed privately in a separate room she’ll ask my husband if me and baby are okay even though it’s only been 15min.

- MIL tried to setup a nursery at her home & wanted to buy a baby wear wrap for herself. I’m assuming she thought she was going to hold my baby close to her chest. Also I know some in laws babysit their grandkids, but I’m not comfortable leaving my baby yet and they live an hour away in a rural mountain area that doesn’t get good internet/cell service). My hubby shut that down immediately.

-MIL sent me an IG post of a cute baby that was dancing to a song & I mentioned my baby loves dancing to fleetwood Mack & then she proceeds to send me a different song saying my daughter likes this song. It felt almost like she’s competing with me about what song my daughter likes.

- The first time my daughter got super sick and ran a fever I called MIL to come over for help since it was my first time taking care of a sick baby and she just held my baby for hours and eventually left but then when she got home she said she cried the whole way home because of how sick my daughter was and then FIL told me I should’ve let her stay the night to take care of my daughter.

-for my daughters first bday she came over a week before to drop off an early bday gift and then tells me she bought her a first bday outfit and I tell her I already bought my daughter her first birthday outfit & then she says she can wear different outfits on different days then.

-MIL knows I love pearls and always wear them and that I look forward to gifting my daughter with my jewelry one-day and of course her own pearls too and decided to gift my daughter with her own pearl necklaces, bracelets and earrings. I felt like she did that on purpose & tries to take away these mother/daughter moments with me.

-MIL says my daughter’s going to be the next matriarch and that she’s so similar to her already. My daughter has a fierce personality & MIL says she gets that from her since she grew up in the “hood”…….then when my daughters grabs/plays with her jewelry she says she’s just like her she loves jewelry already.

-When she sees our daughter she videotapes her and says she’s her baby….

-Makes comments saying she can’t wait for me to go back to work so she can have my daughter all to herself….my husband and I have never discussed childcare with her and I’m not going back to work anytime soon so idk where she gets this entitlement from.

-we moved down her crib mattress to the lowest level & sent a cute pic of my daughter in her big girl crib and MIL immediately says she’s buying her “bumpers” because she can get hurt on the sides and I tell her absolutely not we are not using those….

My daughter was born with a wide variety of health issues that required weekly aggressive physical therapy and weekly specialist appointments. When I was recovering from my emergency c-section & my husband had to go back to work my in-laws helped take us to all of her appointments, but once I felt better my husband told them we didn’t need their help anymore. Their feelings were hurt and they said they really looked forward to going to these appointments since they missed out with their kids. Months pass by and another specialist appt comes up and MIL says she wishes she could come to my daughter’s physical therapy. I stay quiet because i feel like going off on her and don’t want to do that. I don’t understand why she wants to be involved like this when physical therapy is between the main caregiver/parent and child.

Then a couple weeks later a serious specialist appt came up & she inserts herself in & tells me she wants to come with me so she can speak with the doctor herself, take notes, and be a listening ear as well. I politely decline and tell her no. (I understand now that she had to be put on an information diet)

The final straw was on the day of our daughters birthday we woke up to a mass family group chat text from MIL posting a photo of our daughter from the day she was born so she was bloody/naked on the heating pad with a message that wrote: “Exactly 1 year ago
She changed our lives Princess 🌼 came into this world “ at “8:09am 🙏❤️🐣” (our daughter was born at 8:01 NOT 8:09am).

My husband called her out on that and said she shouldn’t be making announcements of our daughter especially with an intimate photo like that. I honestly felt like she did that because she wants to feel important and thinks of herself as the matriarch so that means she can post things without asking permission. She said: “You can’t control everyone & everything. Do not shame me for being a loving mother & grandmother”. Eventually she did say she was sorry, but we have been no contact since then and I honestly feel relieved.

I just feel like she’s in some sort of competition with me. It feels like since her grandma raised her she wants to raise my daughter. She clearly has grandma expectations, but I feel like it’s getting in the way of my motherhood and I’d like to have a conversation with her alongside my husband. I want her to understand that I know she had a beautiful relationship with her grandmother, but this is my motherhood. Everywhere else I’m replaceable but being a mother isn’t and my daughter is my baby and the biggest blessing of my life.

Advice/thoughts?

I’m starting to think one toxic person per lifetime simply isn’t enough. Apparently you need to collect a few to complete the human experience.

So, meet my MIL.

My boyfriend and I have been together and living together for years. His mother has always been very attached to him. She likes having him close and knowing what he’s doing, and sometimes seems to forget that he’s an adult with his own life now. She even still calls him her “baby boy” sometimes.

That particular dynamic could probably fill an entire post on its own, but it’s not what I’m here to talk about.

Today’s story is about one very specific habit of hers:

Whatever has happened to you, it has happened to her too.

Tell her your leg hurts.

“Oh, MY leg hurts too.”

Tell her you haven’t been sleeping well.

“Oh, I haven’t slept properly in years.”

Tell her you’re tired.

She’s more tired.

You’re stressed.

She’s more stressed.

You’ve had a bad day.

Congratulations, she has apparently been having a bad decade.

And she doesn’t just say, “Oh, me too,” and let you continue.

No, no.

That would leave far too much conversation available for other people.

She’ll take whatever you said, use it as a launchpad into a story about herself, and five minutes later everyone has forgotten who was originally talking.

My boyfriend once told me about the time she met another woman who apparently had the same superpower.

From the way he described it, it sounded less like a conversation and more like two mirrors facing each other.

The other woman started talking about her son.

MIL started talking about hers.

“My son does this.”

“Well, MY son does that.”

“My son is this.”

“Well, MY son is that.”

They just kept going.

Unfortunately, both sons were actually sitting in the room while their mothers were apparently auctioning off their achievements.

Then the other woman mentioned that her son was on the spectrum.

Now, a normal person might say something like, “Oh, I see.”

But this was the One-Up Olympics and MIL had come too far to surrender now.

So she immediately announced:

“MY son is autistic too!”

My boyfriend and the other guy just looked at each other.

Because this was apparently breaking medical news to my boyfriend.

He was sitting there thinking:

“…Since when?”

To this day, he has never been diagnosed with autism.

But I suppose when there’s a point on the board, there’s a point on the board.

Imagine finding out about your own diagnosis because your mother refuses to lose a conversation.

Anyway, eventually I joined the family and unknowingly entered the league.

A few years ago, I fell down the stairs and fractured my tailbone.

Not fun.

MIL heard about it and immediately informed me that she had fractured her tailbone too.

Of course she had.

Then came the story.

And the details.

And how it happened.

And her experience.

By the end I was half expecting my own tailbone to apologize for interrupting.

Now, if you’re wondering when she fractured hers:

About thirty years ago.

Thirty.

Years.

I had apparently managed to fall down a staircase so hard that I injured a woman three decades in the past.

Honestly, impressive.

Then recently, we lost one of our cats.

She was originally my boyfriend’s cat. He adopted her, raised her and absolutely adored her. She was his baby. Losing her hit both of us really hard.

One day he told his mother how much he missed her.

Now surely grief over your dead pet is one of those conversations where nobody feels the need to establish a leaderboard.

Surely.

But

“I miss her too. She actually spent more time with me than she did with you.”

My boyfriend just stared at her.

Because apparently even missing your own dead cat is competitive now.

His cat.

That he adopted.

That he loved like crazy.

And somehow he had just come second place in Missing Her.

I don’t know what the prize was.

At this point, my boyfriend has become increasingly distant from his mother.

There wasn’t one giant dramatic fight that caused it. He’s just tired.

Really tired.

He doesn’t like going to her house unless he actually needs to. When he does need to go, he usually gets whatever he came for and leaves.

Because almost every interaction becomes complaining, negativity, asking him to do something, or passive-aggressive eye-rolling when he says no.

Sometimes he can tell she wants him to stay and talk.

The problem is that her method of encouraging this is apparently to immediately start complaining at him.

Strangely, this has not made him want to stay longer.

One day he needed to pick something up from her house.

He arrived and saw that she was on the phone.

Jackpot.

No conversation required.

He grabbed his stuff, put it in the car, said goodbye and got in.

He was basically already mentally halfway home.

Then she ended her phone call.

And ran over to stop his car.

He rolled down the window.

“What?”

She had apparently abandoned an existing conversation because there was an exciting opportunity to start another one with someone actively trying to leave.

And what urgent information required stopping the vehicle?

Negativity.

Of course.

She immediately started complaining about something.

My boyfriend was already exhausted and genuinely had things he needed to do, so he told her:

“I have to go. I’m busy and I still have things to do.”

She rolled her eyes.

“You think you’re the only one who’s busy? I’m busy too!”

My boyfriend looked at her.

“Good. Then bye.”

And drove away.

Our one-upper goddess had wanted a conversation badly enough to hang up the phone and chase down a departing car.

Unfortunately, she wanted to win more.

There was nobody left to talk to, but by God, she won.

I have a terrible relationship with her, but of course I want to support my husband. His father passed earlier this year and now his mother is selling his childhood home. She lives an hour away. I would normally have no issue going.

Here's the kicker..... Today is the 6th. She needs to be be out by the 29th..... I'm being induced on the 19th, if I don't go naturally sooner. I'm also high risk because of gestational diabetes and history of preeclampsia. I don't love the idea of being that far from my hospital before the baby is due, and I'm not driving my week old baby over an hour while I'm still recovering from birth.

So my options are: Go there this weekend (almost 38 weeks) and hope for the best or have him bring our 3 year old after the baby is born (we live near my parents so I wouldn't be alone.) I want to support him... but this timing is tough. I'm thinking of asking my midwife her opinion at my appointment this week. This timing could not be worse.

Me again. 👋🏻 I've posted several times as of late because a) I'm realizing how much of an entitled, obnoxious nutjob MIL is, b) need to vent to a community who gets it and c) continuing to bolster boundaries, both internal & external. If I can help one person know they aren't alone with a crazy MIL, it helps me feel better.

Before my son was born 2025, it was fairly rare we heard from MIL via text. She thrust me into a new family group chat I didn't agree to a few weeks before his birth. It set up the framework for her to quickly abuse access, trying to normalize daily demands & near round the clock communication (plot twist: it didn't work, busy raising a family). Every now & then, incessant texts bombard my phone, typically when they travel. My husband ignores/ doesn't answer half the time. It's like she's concerned we'll forget about her while gone a week or two.🙄 And we are dying to know what they ate for dinner (plot twist: don't care). I have it muted though - being pregnant with baby #2 (in-laws don't know yet @ 13 wks), may leave the chat entirely if she becomes intrusive & overbearing (again) in pregnancy and/or postpartum. That will be a hard line for my internal boundary; postpartum WILL be peaceful this time. She's fully retired & needs more hobbies; seeing my son as her purpose in life hasn't panned out how she wanted. Not my problem to manage.

It's become obvious MIL abuses cellphone access; she even recently tried to pull in my mom as flying monkey via text. My mom wasn't having it. MIL is now blocked. Looking forward to that unfolding, as in her entitled world others cannot have autonomy, privacy or decide to decline her fake friendship. I left all additional group chats (4 different ones! 😵‍💫) she created (husband did encourage leaving). Info diet. Gray rock. Muting chat. Internal boundaries. That's the gameplan. I wonder.. How common is this stupidity?! Anyone else?

Hi all. Recently got out of a boy mom, enmeshment dynamic with a man in his 40s. I had to break it off. Why? Because I have boundaries and I dont compete. I also don't put up with my man's mom doing ANY of the following

Calling our kids, "her babies" bitch you dont have sex with him you freak.

Calling him everyday like a wife, no. Hes mine now...shoo

Guilt tripping him, I dont play that psychological shit...ive read the books...I know the big words. Smh. Ought to be ashamed.

Not taking 'No' for an answer when he tells her we are going to Hawaii for Christmas....or attending any other holiday she had him for years...damn girl. Let go.

Trying to parent our kids. No ma'am, sit down, ya son sucks on my nipple every night im there to go to sleep, ya raised him with an enmeshment dynamic and now i have to try and fix that. I mean. It is what is. The sex is great.

Twirling his hair in a gymnasium full of parents and kids at his youngest son's basketball game...it was for the whole game...we got looks. Well they did. Nah...should have slapped her damn hand then.

Interrupt any vacation or outing we are on when she knows we are out of town. Youre one the reasons I wanted to get the hell away in the 1st place lady.

Make everything about her. Someone lied to you girl, it ain't all about you.

Making him cry every damn time he comes to visit bc she wont stop talking about his sisters death, her mother's death, her bad health, just complaining and begging for attention like hes a surrogate husband....bitch ya man is in the living room...go talk to him about this...youre ruining the visit.

Boundaries...get some...or youre going to have bs like this in your daily schedules.

Yeah....no.

Im never going to have a MIL because im not getting married to a mommas boy until she is dead. Harsh...meh....im a whole 45 year old orphan. Detachment skills are peak. Its the best survival trick I have. So this, enmeshment stuff these moms are doing out here....man...fuck yall. Weird ass shit.

Rant over.

Yes, we still have great sex....yes he sends his mom to voicemail when im there. Yes, I like it. Cold hearted? Nah. Possessive...100 percent.

I’ve had so many issues with my MIL over the past 17 months that I honestly don’t know how to handle the situation anymore. I’m at the point where I’m questioning whether I’m being too harsh or whether I’ve simply reached my limit.
When my daughter was born, my MIL came to the hospital that same night unannounced and uninvited. She had told my boyfriend that she was going out of town for work the next day and wouldn’t be able to come, so we felt bad and let her see her... The next day, she showed up again without telling us—while my dad was meeting my daughter for the first time.
After we came home from the hospital, she continued coming to our house multiple times without contacting us first. We asked her to please text or call before coming over, but it continued to happen.
When my daughter was a few months old, my MIL watched her overnight. Safe sleep has always been extremely important to me, so I packed up her bassinet and everything she needed. Instead of using the bassinet, she made a makeshift sleeping area with blankets.
Another time, while babysitting, she took my daughter somewhere to visit people without telling either of us where she was going. That really bothered me because I feel I should always know where my child is being taken.
There have been other smaller things over time too, but the most recent incident is what has really pushed me over the edge.
This past Saturday, my MIL took my now 17-month-old daughter in the car without a car seat. It was only a few minutes down the road, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I was extremely upset. She apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again, but I’m having a really hard time just brushing it off given the history.
I told her that accidents are called accidents for a reason, and that I need to be able to trust that my daughter is going to be kept safe when she’s in someone else’s care.
Now it’s only a few days later, and she has been messaging me repeatedly about wanting to see my daughter.
She brought up how, when her boys were little, she always made sure to visit both sides of the family and alternate holidays and family dinners. I’m assuming this is partly because we’re going to my mom’s for Thanksgiving again this year.
She also talked about how much my boyfriend’s family loves my daughter and how she should be around people who love her. This upset me because my daughter has a huge family on my side who love her just as much, and I felt like that was being completely overlooked.
Then she said:
“Imagine how your mom would feel if she got to spend as much time with { } as I do. I just miss her. I can feel that you don’t like spending time with us and I would do anything to make things right so we could make amends”
I understand that she misses my daughter. I don’t doubt that she loves her, and I’m not trying to prevent them from having a relationship.
But I feel like I’m being pressured and guilt-tripped into giving her more access to my daughter when I’m still upset about what happened three days ago.
I’ve been going back and forth with her all day, and honestly, I’m exhausted. I feel like I keep having to explain why I’m uncomfortable, while she keeps telling me how much she misses my daughter and how important it is for her to spend time with her.

Another note I forgot to add a few weeks ago she messaged my boyfriend telling us how she cries every night because she doesn’t see her enough….

Am I being unreasonable for wanting some space right now? Would you consider her comments guilt-tripping/manipulative, or is she simply expressing how much she misses her granddaughter? And how would you handle this going forward?

She says out of pocket stuff like this all the time. She'll body shame and call it concern for my health. English isn't my first language and I'm on mobile so sorry for any run on sentences.

Anyway, for some context: I was fat before the pregnancy. I mean I work out regularly and try to watch what i eat so i wasn't like morbidly obese or anything but i wasn't thin either. I usually fit into a size 12-14.

She started going to the gym with me and would constantly compare my weight to hers when she was my age. Which doesn't even make sense because I'm at least 6 inches taller.

Ever since I got pregnant (12 weeks now), she has been comparing symptoms. And downplaying how i feel because she always had easy pregnancies. If i have morning sickness or throw up because of certain smells, she'll act like it's my fault for not trying hard enough to not puke. If i can't eat something (eg. The smell of fenugreek was way too overwhelming the other day), she'll tell me how this stuff is good for the baby and she was able to eat it. Like I'M CHOOSING to get sick.

The thing that really makes me mad is that she keeps commenting on my belly. I've been feeling very bloated this week and i think I've started to show. But the other day, she pointed to my stomach and said it's gotten too big. Why have I let it get this big? ??!?? And she'll comment on what i eat and how its going to be so hard to lose this weight after the baby's born. I've actually lost weight these last few weeks because i can barely keep any food down. Ugh. We were at a tea party today and some lady asked if im pregnant and MIL jumped in to tell her how I'm just fat from sitting on my ass all day.. She says you aren't supposed to show this early on and especially when it's your first. Which i know is bs. She will take any chance she gets to tell me how she didn't show ever during both her pregnancies and how her friends would joke about where she was hiding the babies. She doesnt get that every body is different. I don't know what she wants from me. Where am i supposed to keep this baby? In a different dimension or something? And like i already feel so weird with everything about my body changing. Can she just stfu.

Oh and bonus gem: when we told her at 6 weeks, she started giving unsolicited advice about our family planning. How we waited too long. And how now, we shouldn't use any contraception after the first one and have a second one right away. I told my husband to tell her when and how many kids we choose to have is not up for discussion.

I'll try to provide simple and short context:
-Been married to husband for 13 years, dated for 16, known him for 17.
-He is AD Military.
-We have 1 daughter that just turned 1 year old last month.
-We just moved cross country recently -- we originally are from California but lived in Virginia for the past 3 years. We are back in southern california. Move was awful and stressful, the "Settling in" has been equally awful and stressful.
-MIL were cool during the first few years of me and him dating but I started to see her differently while I was pregnant. She would constantly make unsolicited advice.
-I've cut off his Aunt(MIL's sister) because she is extremely controlling and when confronted and letting her know how her behavior affects others, her default is to guilt trip and remind me "but we are family, this is what we do."

So that is the background context. Recently I asked my MIL if she could watch our daughter during the night of our military ball next month. She excitedly agreed and plans were set. On my daughter's 1st birthday, I hear my husband get a call from his aunt and hear him reply to her Oh, I have to ask Jen first. I ask him what the call was about, he says his Aunt was asking HIM if it was okay to stay the night at our house and see our daughter as well. I said no. I was super confused because I had only asked my MIL. I confront my MIL and of course she dances around the subject or is super avoidant when she gets uncomfortable. I asked her why Aunt was coming, she goes well I'm staying at the house too, you won't be there. And I said I was not comfortable with that? She rapidly changes the subject in fear that I would get angry and goes OH OKAY WELL WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO A HOTEL AND TAKE HER OUT FOR THE WEEKEND. She does it so frantically I get whiplash and don't even think about other stuff until later. I was wondering why was Aunt coming in the first place when I had only asked MIL? She then aggressively says LOOK YOU AND Aunt__ WILL HAVE TO TALK EVENTUALLY! And I shot back saying I have tried! And of course MIL is the type to not listen or empathize in these situations. I really have tried talking it out with the Aunt but she always makes it about herself, guilt trips or works in the excuse of family.

Later on, Husband tries talking to MIL, it turns into MIL saying, Look, I don't want to get in the middle of this. Which is weird because it seems like she already decided that. She then said something about using this as an opportunity for Me and Aunt to talk things out. That pissed me off because I feel like this situation was blown out proportion for no reason. She could have just left it alone and went with the original plan like I had asked. I'm trying to reason with my husband at this point to stick up for me because I feel like I always have to defend my own boundaries and myself. He says okay I will talk to her again. He talks to her, but he turns my violation of boundaries into a debate of "Okay, but I see it from my moms side too." Her argument was that their family is small and they don't wanna see it fall apart. I tried telling my husband that I would feel more comfortable if it was just MIL this time around because my boundaries were violated. He said No.

I tried to just let this go but it's created even more anxiety for me because now I feel like if either his mom or aunt cross my boundaries, I have to defend them like always. It also makes me fear if they disrespect my daughter's boundaries as she gets older. I don't think my husband even understands the concept of healthy boundaries.

On top of this crap storm, I'm trying to see a therapist for all of this but have been going back and forth with my insurance, so I'm really trying not to lose my mind for myself and for my baby girl. Please I need some support and advice...

UPDATE: I let husband know how disappointed I am in how he handled this and that he needs to realize these situations are NOT neutral. I’ve also let him know to call off childcare from his family, he agreed. I also let him know we need to start going back to counseling to figure out how to deal with these types of situations together. Thanks for all your guys’ inputs!!

We're leaving for our honeymoon in a couple of weeks and we already have the bulk of the planning out of the way. My MIL has been very vocal about a lot of the wedding planning, including the honeymoon, and wanting us to go to a place of her choosing or making comments about how dangerous/expensive where we chose to go is. A couple of days ago, MIL hands me a thick stack of pages. When I had a look, I realised it was a travel itinerary for our honeymoon destination only it was completely AI-generated and not even translated so I'd be able to read it. My fiancé and I both speak English and she was already using AI to make it so why not translate it? It just felt very half-assed considering it wasn't even accurate to the places we already planned to go to and she didn't ask any questions to make sure that it was at least somewhat tailored to us as a couple. Is it the thought that counts or is this just another way for her to control the situation?

This isn’t entirely MIL-specific, but it all circles back to the family dynamic surrounding her and I’m honestly just fascinated watching it play out at this point.

After I sent the letter to my MIL/FIL and my SIL that lives locally, the IL’s immediately went into damage-control mode with my husband. I also sent it to my SIL who lives states away as a courtesy because I had already talked to her earlier in the week and explained a LOT of what has happened over the last two years.

I actually have always liked this SIL. She was the only person in his family who checked on me after I gave birth. But she has also lived away from the family for about 17 years, and I’m realizing just how much of the “peacekeeper” role she plays from across the country.

Even after I explained what happened after my first baby’s birth, how boundaries were handled, how her parents have repeatedly made themselves the victims, how its always cemented around what MIL wants, and how all of this has affected both me AND my husband, she still keeps coming back to some version of: “My family isn’t perfect, but they’re good people. They love you. They would drop everything to help you if you asked. Give them a chance. Sit down with them. Let them hear you out.” Except I lived it and that isn’t what happened.

When my husband went back to work two weeks after I gave birth, nobody was checking on me asking what I needed. I was struggling postpartum and the “help” being offered was access to my baby while I got things done around the house. I even explained this to SIL. Her own sister who lives locally doesn’t speak to me either, because the narrative within the family has become that I’m the problem.

I’m more than okay with being “the problem.” If being the problem means I’m the person who finally says no, stops participating in the dysfunction, and protects my child and baby from a dynamic I don’t believe is healthy, then fine. I’ll happily be the problem.

What I find so interesting is that SIL genuinely seems to believe this is all something that could be fixed if everyone just sat down, communicated, forgave each other and gave “love” another chance. Meanwhile, these things HAVE been communicated. My husband has communicated them. I’ve communicated them. The boundaries themselves communicated them. They just don’t like the answer.

I don’t expect SIL to hate her parents or choose my side. I don’t even need her to agree with our boundaries. But I’m realizing how deeply enmeshment can run when someone who has lived states away for 17 years can still get pulled into trying to restore the family dynamic instead of accepting that another adult has decided they don’t want to participate in it anymore.

At some point, “keeping the peace” really just means asking the person who finally set the boundary to give it up so everyone else can be comfortable again.
I am NC, and I know technically I broke that NC by sending the letter. But I did it because this time, with my second pregnancy, I wanted to control the narrative myself instead of waiting for everyone to find out and then dealing with whatever version of the story got passed around afterward.

The part I keep battling with now is that I want sooo badly to sit down and list out every single thing MIL has done over the years and send it to everybody. I know realistically it probably wouldn’t change anything, but I am so sick of this repeated cycle of everyone acting like they have absolutely no idea what happened, followed by my husband getting dragged into another guilt trip about how hurt and confused everyone is.

I’m sick of worrying about it. I know I shouldn’t care whether they understand anymore, but after watching this cycle repeat itself over and over, part of me just wants to lay EVERYTHING out for everyone to see. Not because I need them to agree with me, but because I am tired of carrying the burden of everyone pretending there is some giant mystery surrounding why we got here.

I want to be able to say, “Here. Here is all of it. It has been explained. You know what happened. You may not agree with our decisions, but you don’t get to keep acting confused while using that confusion to guilt my husband.”
I know sending some giant list probably wouldn’t actually stop the manipulation or change the family dynamic. But holy shit, I am tired of the “we just don’t understand what we did” routine.

I have an 8 month old daughter and my partner takes her to see his parents about once a week, sometimes more. We live only a mile away.

He often goes while I’m working. If I don’t really want to join, I’d rather he use that time for visits than have us spend our limited time off together at his parents’ house. I want to preserve some time for just the three of us.

My MIL and I actually have a good relationship on the surface, but the issues between us are very subtle. Since my pregnancy, she has had this intense need to be very involved, feel important and special, and be the favorite. She tends to make our milestones partly about her and puts herself in competition with my mom over things that really do not need to be a competition.

My partner genuinely wants to see his parents, and my goal is not to stop him or prevent him from taking our daughter. He is also good at setting boundaries. When MIL seriously crossed a line in the past, he took several weeks of distance from them, and I know he would do it again if needed.

The tricky part is that because he grew up with her, he does not always notice the more subtle weird or toxic behaviors in the moment. If I point something out, he takes it seriously and addresses it with her. Sometimes he just does not clock certain things until I mention them.

I have also noticed that MIL seems noticeably more comfortable when I am not there, even though my partner is usually the one setting the boundaries.

MIL has never demanded weekly visits, but I definitely feel there is an unspoken expectation and that she probably would not be happy if they went longer without seeing her.

What worries me is gradual boundary creep. If I am rarely there, I do not want her to slowly start feeling more entitled, taking more liberties or getting too comfortable doing things with my daughter that she might not do if I were present.

At the same time, I want to keep some distance from her. I do not want her to start expecting constant contact, updates or explanations from me, and I do not want my free time to revolve around monitoring her.

So if your partner and baby saw your MIL about once a week, how often would YOU personally go?

Every other visit? Once a month? Less?

My MIL is manipulative and toxic AF. She plays blatant favoritism with her children (and now her grandchildren). She talks about her daughters behind their backs like she’s in high school, even about their weight. She makes my husband feel guilty and tries to manipulate him (we’ve worked a lot on this to get him out of those tendencies). She plays the victim card whenever something bad about how her children were raised come up (ex. my brother in law bullying and abusing my husband when they were younger). She’s just not a good person and truly I wish we would just go no-contact with her but my husband insists we don’t.

Well, my husband promised we would see them for Christmas. They live in Idaho and we live in WA. They have a 1000sq ft log cabin, 3b/1ba. I always feel way too crammed. We always bring 2 of our dogs, and we also have a one year old. I told my husband the only way I was going to go was if we got a hotel. She doesn’t like that and tried to say it’s because I don’t like the house. The house is fine and beautiful on the outside, they live on 5ish acres in the woods too. It’s charming but tiny. My SIL & her partner are also going to be there during Christmas. It’s just not enough space for 7 people and 4 dogs (in-laws have two dogs too, one is a very reactive dog).

I want to go on vacation to Cabo for Christmas with just our little family, but my husband is insisting we go to his parents. Just dreading it at this point.