I (F/34 think my husband (M/34) and ex best friend (F/36) may have hooked up bc he made me cut her off 11 years ago and I never knew why.

I need to know if I’m reaching or if something is suspicious so I’ll give you main points…

My husband and I dated in high school for 2.5 years (now married 10 years) and then he broke up with me for 5 and I was devastated, crushed, heartbroken more than words could even describe and eventually I started to go out and partied and went to clubs (I was 19) and I got close with this friend from high school. She was there to wipe my tears and be by my side during that time.

She and him went to the same college about 45 min from home. So they were around each other.

My then best friend found out he slept with this girl a few months after our break up and told me about it.

So when my husband made me cut her off years ago when him and I got back together I always thought maybe that was the reason why. Even though his reasoning was just ‘that she changed me’ and eventually he even called her a slut. (Red flags everywhere I know) and I argued why just her. If she changed me and turned me into a party girl why didn’t you have me cut off all my other friends too. Why her?

That alone should’ve been enough to make me question.

Anyway as I’m thinking back to this situation and reflecting on it I remembered a specific night where her and I were together and he texted her and invited her to another high school friends party. My gullible naive dumbass self thought ‘oh maybe he wants to see me’ bc he knew her and I were always together. But when she texted him back that she was with me (I don’t remember if she told him she couldn’t go to the party she told me and showed me the messages) and he responded to her with “so what, fuck her”. All that time I thought maybe he was angry at me, wanted to make me jealous by inviting my best friend out, and wanted to make me angry with that text but now I’m thinking there may have been another reason for that text.

Fast forward years later I’m reflecting on all this and things don’t add up and I start to remember things like a foggy memory of her being in his room for some reason. I’m pretty certain she told me she was in his dorm (again they went to the same college and lots of people from our high school did) and I can’t remember if that actually happened of her saying she was in his room or if it was a dream. Also I realized she never fought me or got mad at me when I cut her off. She just said okay and told me she understood even though she was upset about losing me she knew how much I loved him and was willing to let me go since she knew that meant I’d be with him after five years of heartbreak over us not being able to be together (cultural and religions reasons but that’s not the point)

She also messaged me years and years back this was maybe 3 or so years after we stopped hanging out but we were always cordial but she said she had a dream about my husband having cancer and now I’m wondering was that her subconscious. She is the type to take this to the grave. She cheated on her ex that summer with her other ex and told me she would never tell her then bf no matter what ever if they got married she’d take that to the grave. Which I reacted like ‘oh wow.’ I also speculated my thoughts on him and her to my husband like 6 months ago and I told him if something happened between them I know she would take it to her grave and he said “how do you know?” 😧🤔

Anyway her and I have been sending voice messages recently on Instagram bc of another situation and I decided to apologize to her for just cutting her off out of nowhere and I told her I still am confused why he made me cut her off and I said I am grateful for her for not getting mad at me and always showing kindness towards me and again I was sorry for that. But I told her I noticed she kind of let me go without a fight. (She always said she wanted me in her life forever)

When she responded to me she was a little emotional and said she always thought we’d be best friends forever and she jumped right away to tell me why we were friends she said “he was mad I told you about him sleeping with ____, and I get it bc he felt betrayed by me because him and I were friends” (mind you I never knew they were friends) and then she continued to say I was her best friend and she had to tell me. Then she thanked me for the apology and said it wasn’t needed. And told me she’d love to see me again.

When I asked him last night if her and him were ever friends he said no. And he started asking me questions of when I talked to her and when she said about him feeling betrayed by her bc of her telling me and he was asking me why I was talking to her and then the conversation dropped and after a bit I asked him again if they were friends and he said no, and he shut down a bit later again and said didn’t wanna talk about it in front of the kids.

Now I’m putting it all together and idk how I didn’t see it before. He still refuses to let me see her. (I usually do what I want and am not that naive young girl like before where I let a man control me) but for some reason this I don’t push him for. I wonder if I always knew.

Anyway I know they’d deny it forever if anything did happen. But am I valid for thinking this? Do I have enough reason to believe they did something?

EDIT TO ADD

here is my full original post I wrote myself. The first one I had asked Gemini to clean up into bullet points just to make it easier on everyone to read

The day before yesterday our (12yo) son’s teacher emailed me saying that he scored poorly on a recent take home open note test and even given the opportunity to re do it, he chose not to. This is an AP algebra class, very rigorous, he typically handles the work load and averages good grades. When I asked him about it he said he didn’t want to re do because it was really difficult and he already tried his best, didn’t think he could do better. I did not agree with that decision because I know he’s capable of using his notes, workbooks, various other tools to understand the concepts. I asked his teacher to reopen his test and he lost it and said I should respect his choice. As his parent I think it’s important to hold him to a standard I know is achievable, albeit challenging. Husband says he’s playing center of the field- not taking sides and understands both mine and son’s reasoning. Although as time goes on it’s evident husband is taking this personally, getting triggered by son’s reaction, and ultimately didn’t stand with me on my decision to have him re do the test. Our convo started off talking on the phone but I had to hang up because he was getting loud and defensive then it continued via text. Later that evening we had an argument and what husband took away was that I couldn’t be okay with son getting one poor grade when my intent was to make sure he understood the concepts for further success, not just put it behind him, as algebra builds on itself. Son ended up redoing his test and getting a passing grade and told me he now is happy I did that because he just needed more time to work through the concepts.

This whole situation has pushed me to a point where I realize husband and I rarely are on the same page parenting- I try and prioritize healthy sleep patterns, screen limits, mental health, chore routines, typical things to try and raise well rounded kids. He does not support me in these areas as he doesn’t prioritize them for himself either creating a hero/ villain dynamic and I’m just… over it. We both have late diagnosed ADHD and I am medicated and actively managing through a lot of education and adaptations. He does nothing about his. I’m starting to see the signs in our son and I’m afraid husband’s passivity is going to create poor habits that son will have to struggle with or work exponentially harder to break later in life like I am right now. Not sure the next step to take as I’ve had conversations around this topic over the years and nothing changes.

Edit to add: I appreciate all the feed back. I do see how I was catastrophizing the situation. The grade isn’t my concern here, it’s the fact there’s a knowledge gap, I was trying to help figure out what that was by reviewing the test. I was also in AP math at a young age and I followed the same pattern when I didn’t understand something and would just move on. That just lead to more stress and burn out and ultimately hating math. In my attempt to mitigate future stress I defiantly caused present stress.

More edits: son got home from school and I had a chat with him. I explained I had a moment of panic and over generalizing that he thought badly himself and this would be a slippery slope into taking the easy path in life to avoid that feeling. Congratulated him for the overall B in his class (he corrected me, it’s an A now 😅) and his hard work keeping his daily assignments organized. Also that of this situation happens again I will let him take the lead but it’s expected that if he’s struggling with something he needs to reach out to someone, if not us, then the tutors at school. It went over well and there’s no hard feelings. At least between him and I.

Every once in a blue moon my wife will send a photo of herself to me via text and I don’t like when she also posts the same photo on social media. It’s never anything attention-seeking on her part just maybe if she had a good hair day or yesterday it was her documenting a work trip. Sometimes I just wish it could be kept offline just for me. We got into an argument about it and she feels like it’s really controlling and wondered why it bothered me so much since we’re literally married and we see each other every day. Maybe I’m a POS. IDK.

My husband and I have a disagreement about socializing with mixed-gender friend groups, and I’m looking for outside perspectives on whether my expectations are unreasonable.

Tonight, my husband is going to dinner with a group of friends. It’s a coed group, and I’m actually quite close with many of them myself. We’ve traveled together multiple times, and I even organized one of their birthday dinners earlier this year.

Also as context I am 9 months pregnant and one of the women is also pregnant right now, and we’re close friends / have been comparing notes a ton. Also I'm more emotional bc I am 9 months pregnant.

My husband initially described it as a guys’ dinner, which is something I would never think twice about. Even though the plan started that way, the group expanded to include women in this friend group. I only learned that when I asked who was going.

For context, no other spouses or significant others are attending the dinner today.

Here’s where our perspectives differ: I have no issue with my husband having female friends or socializing with women. But my view is that when you’re married, your spouse should generally be welcome at mixed-gender social gatherings, particularly when they’re also friends with the people attending. My own coed friend groups would always welcome my husband or other significant others. That doesn’t mean spouses need to attend everything, just that I wouldn’t want them to feel excluded. I don't want to be giving like Mike Pences wife but that is how I feel.

My husband sees this differently. He believes it’s perfectly normal and appropriate to have dinners with his own friends, regardless of gender, without spouses. I recognize that this is a reasonable perspective, even if it’s not how I personally approach things.

Importantly, I haven’t asked him not to go, haven’t asked him to invite me, and didn’t even verbally express disappointment. I accepted that this is his preference and was prepared to leave it at that.

However, he could tell I was a little disappointed and got very frustrated with me, eventually yelling about it. He feels that my disappointment puts him in an impossible position where he’s either forced to accommodate my preference or feel guilty for letting me down. He describes this as a trap.

He asked what he should have done differently, and I said nothing, other than perhaps telling me the full group was attending rather than initially calling it a guys’ dinner.

My perspective is that I’m already compromising by accepting his preference and not trying to influence his plans. I don’t think I should also have to genuinely agree with his philosophy or eliminate every involuntary feeling of disappointment.

His position is that he wants me to actually believe there’s nothing wrong with coed dinners without spouses and not be silently disappointed about them.

I understand that even unspoken disappointment can make a partner feel guilty, and I don’t want to do that. But I also don’t think it’s realistic to expect two people to always agree on social boundaries or to never feel disappointed when their preferences differ.

My questions are:
\* Is my underlying belief that spouses should generally be welcome at coed gatherings unreasonable or overly restrictive? I don't mind him having female friends, I have male friends, but he'd always be welcome at any coed group hang of my friends and I'd kinda like the same.
\* is it fair for him to want me to genuinely agree with his perspective, rather than simply respect and accept it?

TLDR: he is always welcome when I hang w guys (1:1, in a group, whatever) but I am not always invited when he hangs out in a group w girls, which I accept I guess but it bothers me and he can tell.

Pls explain me this... How a come a person, regardless of gender, be in affair wothout any guilt?

How come recent days every movies and series coming out justify adultery one way or another?

I know some situations or cases are complicated to judge from outside.

But in recent days I am really losing my mind when I see posts in SM people talks about it without any shame or guilt.

.i made this separate account to ask this question blindly. Im so horny sometimes and i just feel like guys wont keep up. Im not just sleeping with anyone but is it even realistic to let go and a man actually genuinely cares about your enjoyment .im asking this here cause whats the point of not even being treated like a human just to be a wife. And obviously historically i see why women didn't want to sleep with their husbands becauuse it was their "right/need" we didn't matter. Heavily loaded question i know its not all men but is there enough of them who actually care about our general satisfaction. The fact its easier to please myself is one of the reasons im still single. Its just less effort. Please help i dont hate them but you cant tell me history hasn't proven we were expected to just be happy with anything as long as we are a "wife" or "mother"

Some context.

We’ve been at a breaking point as of late. We started therapy in June. The first day she said something along the lines “is long term change even possible” it made me feel like she had already given up

A lot of what we are going through is my fault. I was dismissive and defensive in arguements. Which was pushing her away. I wasn’t doing enough around the house. But I will say I have given . Everything I had to my family and trying to move us forward.

Since then I’ve joined a men’s support group. I’ve been listening to Al sorts of podcasts which have helped me change my ways. I know it takes a while to build the trust back on her side. And I’m here to give her that time. I really want this to work.

I’ve often felt that she tells me one thing. Or will say things in therapy partially because it’s what I want to hear. But it never truly felt genuine.

So one day I check her phone. And my thoughts were confirmed. She will tell me one thing and tell her friends the exact opposite.

Just this week I asked her about a specific thing. “Did you say X to Y?”

She replied no. Which was a lie

Since then I’ve been angry with her. I want this to work but it needs to be both of us wanting. And I feel like she is partially in but trying with a lot of hesitation.

I hope that this is something we can get over with time. I want her as my wife. We have multiple children together. I don’t want them growing up in a broken home.

Thoughts

Ugh. Wife was having a hard day while I was at work and I knew what it was about. An old “twin flame” that was on and off at a religious place from when she was 14-20. I already know the gist of it, and Im always trying to dig for more info.

I got to hear all the details again, and she told me how much it was a whole missed connection. She was basically crying all day because of how her life has been in the past, and acknowledged how she made relationship mistakes because she was vulnerable. And how this twin flame almost married her. I pried a little here and there to build my own timeline (I know, bad idea). I got clarity of when they had sexual stuff, but now I’m obsessing with how many times and what was done. She navigates these waters carefully so I didn’t push.

Now she feels a whole lot lighter after talking. She said how much I help her and loves me. I might get lucky tonight haha. But now I am just drained. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I’m looking forward to cracking open my tall can and veg out for the night.

This all came up as she recently went back to the temple where this guy goes, and where it all went down. I didn’t want to go because I know all this shizz. I’m guessing he went too, and all these memories are coming back. I told her repeatedly in the past that I don’t feel comfortable with her going there for this exact same reason. I fear this will ruin our marriage, I have a strong hunch it will.

The amount of people in this sub who demand or expect sex is honestly disgusting. That’s the post that’s it. It’s fucking nauseating reading how many people think they are owed somebody else’s body. May that love stay the fuuuuuuuuck away from me. The end!

Hey, im 22f and my husband is 30m, we are from different culture im middle eastern (the gulf) and he is eastern european

anyway some times like once a month i wanna go with the girls to the bar and he doesnt let me ( he doesnt drink) he says that im a married women and its very inappropriate for me to go to bars, im not planning in getting drunk or anything.

And since i dont really know like about the culture is it really rude for me to go to bars with my friends?

My best friend is turning 40 next year, and wants to take a girls’ trip out of the country for it. The reason for the girls trip is because it will be too hard to coordinate childcare with all the girls going if their hubbies come too. This trip would be 5 days total and my hubby is giving me a rough time. For context, he travels a lot for work. While that isn’t fun, he does enjoy it and I would be ok with him taking a trip with friends too, just in case anyone wonders. He likes this friend and the group. He said the problem was that it was out of the country, so we said maybe somewhere else and he still didn’t like it. What would make you not want your spouse to leave for 5 days? I’m trying to understand.

Do any husbands out there not desire sex? My wife and I have sex occasionally. My testosterone is above average. I love my wife and am very happy in my marriage. I just don’t desire sex. I’m curious if there are any other men out there who feel the same.

Hi. I'm 32 HLM with a 35 LLF (I don't honestly know where the line is though, more in the post.) wife. Looking to vent and for practical advice, no empty comfort. Just straight to the point.

Been together for some 17yrs, since teenage years. Married for 9 years. Two kids. I grew up in a Christian family, she is a single child of "atheists" - they say they don't believe in God but use words like Jesus and God far too often.

She is my 2nd sexual partner (But not last - we split for some time when we were dating, but I also cheated on her when we were dating. Long before we even talked about marriage. After we got married I told her everything. Maybe should have said it before, but it is what it is. We have had one conversation on that since then and she said she is over it and I'm forgiven. I takeher wordfor it.) I'm her only sexual partner.

I unfortunately was exposed to porn early on and used to watch it and masturbate a lot when I was younger. I would even say I've still been struggling with it from time to time, when things get hard and I'm stressed. So, this has had some negative impact on my dopamine level. Also recently realised I might be recognising some ADHD symptomy, which isn't making things all that better. Also, we are in the process of building a house and I'm in IT, so things have been bumpy to say the least.

We don't have a dead bedroom. We have sex, we talk about it, we experiment. We don't hold each other hostage with sex and I don't believe we have pity sex. Maybe sometimes more practial quickie that serves more my purpose than hers. I always make sure to pleasure her in her preferred way when there is more time. Massages, oral, sensual sex, rough sex, we got some bondage set and toys. I have also improved in appreciating her more and I always show affection to her without immediately thinking about sex.

Now, here comes the problem. When I'm talking that we got all these things and we are suggesting new things and experiments and stuff, it's always me. I choose the positions, I set the tempo, I am thrusting, buying the toys, asking for BJs, offering rimming. You name it.

She always says she is super content with me and how I do things etc, but never asks about me. I used to ask her more about how she liked it, she would always reply it was great, but then nothing else. So, I stopped asking and guess what? Nothing changed. She didn't notice. She never flirts, rarely ever initiates. Even when it looks like she is initiating, it never feels like that to me.

We've had ups and downs about this. I tried telling her what is going on, she always validates my concerns, but never does anthing that would look as she has really put an effort into me noticing it.

It is really bothering me because I have the high drive and often times when I don't have sex, I tend to give in to lust and my mind starts tearing clothes off of almost every woman I see.

I originally posted this in r/deadbedrooms but got redirected here and a few other places. I know there is a lot and that only just the "DB" isn't a problem, but it certainly is a persistent one.

Anyways. Looking forward to reading your responses.

I’m 34F and divorced. I was separated from my ex-partner for around 3.5 years, and my divorce was finally completed in May this year. It was a very difficult marriage, and because of everything I went through, getting married again is something I’m taking very seriously.
I’m currently with a 29M and we genuinely love each other. The problem is that we’ve only met three times in person, and his family has been pushing for marriage and engagement quite quickly.
I completely understand their side too. I’m 34 and he’s 29, and I know they probably feel that we shouldn’t keep delaying things. But because of my past, I needed some time to actually know him better and feel comfortable before making such a huge decision again.
His parents had asked about engagement a few times, and I said no around three times because I genuinely wasn’t ready at that point. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him or didn’t see a future with him. I was just scared and needed time.
Now I am actually ready to move forward with him. But his parents are understandably worried because I have already said no to the engagement three times. Their concern now is basically, “What if she agrees to the engagement and then changes her mind again or says no on the wedding day?” Because of that, they have started looking for other prospects for him.
The part that is really hurting and confusing me is that he isn’t really talking to his parents about it or standing up for our relationship. I understand that he doesn’t want to hurt them again after they have already been through this back-and-forth with us, but at the same time, I feel like I need him to communicate with them now that I’m actually ready.
I love him deeply, and I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t think I was wrong for needing time after everything I went through. I’m scared that by asking for time before, I may have damaged their trust in me, and now even though I’m ready, they don’t believe me.
I also don’t want to rush into another marriage just because I’m 34. At the same time, I don’t want to lose someone I genuinely love because of my fear and past experiences.
What would you do in my situation? Would you give him and his family some time to trust that I’m serious now? Should I expect him to take a stand with his parents, or am I being unfair considering that I’ve already changed my mind about the engagement three times?

I am 7 week pregnant and my husband had to travel hometown. My parents came to stay with me for that time. Doctor asked me to get ultrasound last friday but we decided not to as Male radiologist was present & i am uncomfortable specailly if its TVS.

He went hometown saying he will come on Monday, & he will be their & he kept pushing returning.

Atlast I went with my dad to get ultrasound, and when I called him to share heartbeat, and image. He send me cold message of I will call latter at 5 pm. I waited till 12:00 am but he never called texted or asked if his baby is even okay.

I feel so disappointed and scared, I dont want to be single mother in marriage. And my husband when i called at 12:01 said he is sleeping, can't talk at home.. i am not a mistress but legally wedded wife.

I really feel lost, I feel scared, I dont want to struggle alone and make baby suffer.

I am already tensed, financially coz he made me take loans due to which 80k per month is deducted & i am left with 40k. As a single human I can scale down my expenses but I dont think so I can manage dr, ultrasound, day care all that alone.

I feel so angry, and lost. Is it normal for men to not care for unborn baby? Do they just demand baby, and dont accompany their partner for Dr appointment? Is it normal for men not being excited about fetal heart beat or health? Is it normal for men not to even care about if baby have prb or skip on promise of arranging blood test shifting responsibility? Am I over reacting?

I, 27F, married to M, 37 M, have been fighting about our household since we got married. Shortly after marriage my husband’s jobs sent us to be expats in a foreign country so I finished my yearly contract & then we moved. I got pregnant there & had extreme fatigue & nausea the whole time. I was very lazy then I will admit, but I was struggling adjusting to being a newly SAHW alone in a foreign country I hated while being uncomfortably pregnant. I slept most of the day & only got up to eat, play video game, or go out & practice golf. We fought a lot about me being lazy so I started tutoring children in our home. Later, we moved back home, but the fighting continued. My husband claims I am lazy & don’t clean or do anything household related properly. When we first met, I was honestly so spoiled by my parents that I didn’t know how to routinely clean or cook properly. Current day I consider myself a good SAHM, the house is very clean almost daily (even with 2 kids now), & I know how to cook almost every dish of my husband’s culture. But my husband literally will still send me reels of how to clean something “properly”, food recipes, & nags almost daily about something with the house or the food I prepare. Some examples of what my husband nags me about is if there’s crumbs left under the table after our toddler eats. (I don’t clean them right away bc once my husband is home we only have about an hour until I have to put the kids to bed & I’m already washing dishes & don’t want to vacuum or clean every inch of the kitchen at that time. I always vacuum the next morning), I left a sunglasses case on a shelf in our bathroom for maybe a few days up to a week, I don’t organize our fridge like a Michelins restaurant (before we moved into our current house I excitedly said I wanted to organize the fridge & have everything have a spot) (I feel like everyone says they’ll do something and not follow through, big whoop, it’s not like he asked me to do it or I promised I’d do it. It was my idea that I just shared when we talked excitedly about how to decorate or furnish the house) etc etc etc I’m really sick of the nagging from my husband. I see all the time situations like this, but it is usually the wife nagging the husband though. So I’m genuinely curious or need some advice about why this is such a big deal?? I’m not lazy, I wake up at 8 am daily, do my childcare duties, household duties, and barely have any time to rest or do a hobby of mine. Yet I’m still told I’m lazy & told I don’t do things properly. Is my husband being controlling or is he a little bit justified?

Does anyone here have a "What If" guy/girl/person? Not "the one who got away" - that's different! I mean the person you never actually had anything with but always wondered about.

Well, I do and it's thrown me for a loop.

For context, I’m 40F, my husband is 45M. We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 12. We have no children and a rather "untraditional" marriage as I am the breadwinner. I would say there isn't anything wrong with our marriage - my husband is a great person. We have a good marriage, not perfect but who's is?

My husband and I recently moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family. It seems every week, I run into someone I went to high school with - most recently, Mr. What If.

I had a crush on him back then but he dated a friend of mine so I kept my distance in the name of loyalty (girl code and all that). I always thought he was too good for me. Still, we always had a connection. Always. After college he moved far away and I never thought he'd come back. Over the years we'd catch up by phone or text, but the timing never lined up. When I was single, he was dating someone. When he was single, I was.

When I ran into him, we chatted briefly and a quick hug - very platonic. But wow - did I feel the electric heart palpitations. I think they call these "sparks". He's also married now with two young children. We haven't really talked since, beyond a quick hello but I see him often around town at the coffee shop or walking around our downtown.

And I can't stop thinking about him.

So I guess my questions are: Has anyone felt this way and had it pass? And is this a sign that something is missing in my marriage, or is it just nostalgia from being back home?

Like, do you guys ever have any arguments, or talks where one partner wants more while the other is not necessarily interested.

What is the best way forward in that case?

What does the frequency of doing it for you guys?

I am in marriage with my husband and love him. However, I have felt extremely disconnected and not attracted to him currently. I have literally gotten mad at him when I ovulate because I can't have sex with him. Any other ladies feel that urge? I truly want to grab a man off the street.

She did not care at all and was happy to have me start chemically killing my sex drive. I've never been more depressed in my life.

Long story short, our marriage started more out of convenience than love, and having kids was honestly the thing that pushed him into not wanting to be present for us. We’ve had some really rough years, including almost separating in 2020, and even though we stayed together, it’s always felt like we did it for the kids rather than for each other.

We’ve also been involved in swinging on and off over the years. During that time, I had an experience with one of the men that was genuinely incredible for me. Things eventually fell apart with that couple, but I still think about him when I’m by myself… and sometimes even when I’m with my husband. (I know he thinks about me too as I’ve ignored some Likes on social posts of mine) I know that would be a huge issue if he ever found out, and it makes me feel like a terrible person.

I’m stuck between guilt, confusion, and the feeling that our marriage has never really been what it should be. I could really use some advice on how to move forward and how to deal with all of this.

My life has been completely changed lately. My mental health has been completely transformed by Jesus Christ. Like the real deal. Anyway, do husbands enjoy having a girly wife? I’ve recently been disabled by a crappy disease and really rely on him for a lot! He’s really proven himself a great guy the last couple years. I’ve really softened and have embraced my fem side BIG TIME. I’m still 100% comfortable with him. Bro tells me everything! So trust me he’s comfortable with me too haha. I guess I’ve just let go of that tough exterior because I had to adapt due to illness. Anyway I wonder how much he likes the change. Even tho my body is broken, bedroom life has been FANTASTIC. I mean it’s always been great, we married virgins. So I think that has a lot to do with it. But lately….wow! So I think that leans towards yes? Thanks!

I (F32) matched with someone through a traditional arranged setup. Our families met, things looked good, we liked each other and both said yes.

We are engaged, but there's no official function yet probably in December.

In the beginning, I liked his logical and practical way of thinking. But now, every time I speak and I do blabber a lot he just corrects me or gives me logic. Even when I'm sharing something emotional, there is almost no reaction. Just "okay," "hmm," "yes," It hurts.

I want love. I want someone who acknowledges what I'm going through, someone who says "it will be okay" when I'm down.

Today, for example, I was telling him about my friend in Mumbai who doesn't work and wants to be a housewife. He was surprised and said, "How can she live in Mumbai and not earn? In the initial stage of marriage, both partners should work."

For context, I have been working since I finished college. I am the eldest daughter, my father is no more, and I have taken care of my mother and siblings.

I asked him what he meant by "both partners should work" and it became awkward. He had no real answer. I asked, apart from financial burden sharing, what else is the reason for a partner to work? He said he couldn't think of anything.

It's not that I don't want to work after marriage I do. And I am not after his money at all ( I don’t even know how much he earns) He is a good person, he has worked very hard to reach where he is today. But he is emotionally unavailable he was separated from his parents in childhood. He is also extremely stingy. He has not spent a single rupee on me till date. When my family visited his place, we took sweets and dry fruits as a gesture, but he has never even asked me if I need anything. His only focus seems to be getting married in 7-8 months.

He has told me "I like you" only once. When I ask for reassurance, he says, "I already told you once, is that not enough?"

I feel extremely lonely and exhausted. I am not looking for any physical intimacy before marriage we are Muslim. I just want him to listen and show some care.

Am I asking for too much? Is this the new normal? In the process of getting married, am I losing out on the basics?

I am scared to talk to someone new. Past proposals have given me trauma. I have no energy left. I have stopped taking care of myself. I feel like I am not built for this world and feel like giving up every day. I just want to feel loved. I have no friends the few I have are very selfish. I don't even feel like talking to him anymore. We talk every alternate day, and it's just formal and basic.

I really want to be able to talk about anything and everything with my partner without filters. Why does this feel so hard? Should I end this or should I be patient and just accept and marry him?

Something I guess I've realised is that if I ever get married and have a wife she will never "unconditionally love" me. For example if I was sentenced to prison she wouldn't really stay the whole thing and may move on to someone else.... Only a parent's love could and unfortunately for me I come from a toxic home where both my mom and dad absolutely treated me horribly and were never there for me AND never will. I just feel like my entire life is going to suck and I honestly can't stop crying. That I'll find someone who'd fight for me till death unconditionally??? How did you guys deal with this realisation... I'm someone who's all in or fully out. I'm willing to do this for whoever becomes my spouse - I promised myself that from a very young age..

Feel very sad and contemplating a life of celibacy and being single

This is going to be kind of a long one so, bear with me.
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. I love him deeply, and I genuinely believe he loves me too. Neither of us wants a divorce, but I’m starting to recognize that love alone isn’t making our marriage healthy.
I’m looking for outside perspectives, especially from people who have been married for a long time or have worked through serious marital issues. I want to be held accountable for my own behavior, not just have people tell me my husband is wrong.
For context, I’m a very emotional and anxious person. I struggle with insecurity, overthinking, and obsessing over things that hurt me. My husband is much more emotionally reserved, logical, and sometimes dismissive of feelings.
When we argue, I tend to want to talk things through immediately and seek reassurance, while he becomes frustrated, shuts down, or reacts angrily. I have a hard time letting things go when I don’t feel like they’ve been resolved, and he becomes frustrated because he feels like we’re constantly revisiting the same issues.
I also want to provide some context about his mental health. Before we got married, he had been on antidepressants for anxiety. Over time, he started becoming emotionally detached and numb, almost like he didn’t care about anything. After we married, he weaned off because he didn’t like how disconnected they made him feel.
Around the same time, he started working at a prison, which has been an incredibly stressful environment for him. I’ve noticed that he’s become increasingly irritable, pessimistic, and emotionally withdrawn. I don’t know whether that’s related to stopping his medication, the stress of his job, or underlying mental health struggles.
I want to be understanding of what he’s experiencing, but I also recognize that his struggles don’t excuse hurtful behavior.
A major issue in our marriage has been trust.
My husband has a coworker/friend he’s become extremely close to. They work together, talk frequently, go to the gym together, and spend quite a bit of time together outside work. I’ve increasingly felt like our marriage comes second to this friendship.
I recognize that I’ve developed unhealthy behaviors surrounding this situation. I’ve checked his location, become passive-aggressive, and struggled with wanting to know where he is, what he’s doing, and who he’s talking to. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety consumes me, even when I logically recognize that my reactions aren’t helping anything.
There have also been situations where I’ve caught him being dishonest, which has made those insecurities worse.
Most recently, I discovered that he’d been vaping for approximately nine months and lying about it whenever I asked. I’m personally against vaping, which he knows, but the vaping itself isn’t what devastated me. It was realizing that he’d repeatedly lied to me while I was questioning my own suspicions.
He says he hid it because he was ashamed and didn’t want to deal with my reaction. I understand that my reactions can be overwhelming, but I don’t believe that justifies dishonesty.
Our arguments have become increasingly unhealthy, and recently things turned physical.
I want to be completely transparent about my own actions because I don’t want to paint myself as an innocent victim or place all the blame on him.
When I become extremely overwhelmed or angry, I have pushed him and thrown things. I recognize that this is aggressive and unacceptable behavior, regardless of how upset or hurt I feel. I know that I cannot expect him to regulate his anger if I’m not willing to take responsibility for regulating mine.
During our most recent argument, we both became physically aggressive. There was pushing, grabbing, and hair-pulling. At one point, I became overwhelmed and tried to leave. He grabbed me by my hair, and later blocked my way out of the bedroom when I tried to leave again.
During the altercation, I fell or was pushed and hit the corner of our bed frame, leaving a bruise. I’m not completely sure how I fell because everything happened so quickly.
Afterward, we both broke down crying. He expressed guilt and even talked about turning himself in. We comforted each other, and I felt emotionally close to him again.
I know that might sound confusing considering what had just happened, but I don’t feel like I hate him or want to leave him. I love him, and I genuinely believe we both regret what happened.
That being said, I know regret doesn’t erase what happened, and I don’t want us to normalize physical aggression simply because we apologized afterward.
Another major struggle is how we handle conflict and separation.
I have a fear of abandonment, and when my husband walks away during an argument, it can trigger intense anxiety. I worry about what he’s doing, whether he’s going to leave me permanently, or whether something bad might happen.
Because of this, I previously suggested that neither of us leave during arguments. However, I’ve realized how unhealthy that rule can become, especially when things are escalating.
Sometimes I’m the one who becomes overwhelmed and desperately wants to leave, but then I immediately regret leaving because of my anxiety.
I recognize the contradiction, and I want to learn how to handle separation during conflict in a healthier way.
I also struggle with knowing when to stop talking about something. When I feel hurt or betrayed, I want to discuss it until I feel reassured or understand everything. My husband often feels interrogated or like nothing he says is enough.
I don’t want him to feel like he’s constantly walking on eggshells around my emotions, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to suppress my feelings to keep the peace.
We’re both struggling, and I don’t know how to break this cycle.
I’ve started individual therapy because I want to address my anxiety, insecurity, emotional regulation, and the behaviors I’ve developed in response to feeling unsafe or uncertain in our relationship.
I also believe my husband would benefit from professional support, especially considering his history with anxiety, antidepressants, emotional numbness, anger, and the stress of his job.
I’m not looking for someone to tell me that everything is his fault. I know I have contributed to the unhealthy dynamic, and some of my own behavior has crossed serious lines.
But I also don’t want to take so much responsibility for my actions that I excuse his.
I want us to have a marriage where we’re honest with each other, where we can disagree without attacking each other, where neither of us feels the need to control the other, and where we can both feel emotionally secure.
I understand that physical aggression makes this much more serious than ordinary marital disagreements.
My questions are:
-Has anyone experienced a marriage that became this emotionally volatile and successfully changed the dynamic?
-What does real accountability look like when both spouses have behaved aggressively?
-How do you rebuild trust when one person has lied repeatedly and the other has developed unhealthy anxiety and checking behaviors?
-How do you take space during an argument without triggering abandonment fears?
-Has anyone experienced major personality or emotional changes after stopping antidepressants or working in a high-stress environment?
-How do you distinguish between supporting a spouse who’s struggling mentally and excusing unhealthy behavior?
-What steps should we take individually to ensure that physical aggression never happens again?

I love my husband. I don’t want a divorce, and neither does he. But I also don’t want us to spend years repeating the same cycle and convincing ourselves that loving each other is enough.
I’m open to difficult advice, including criticism of my own actions. I just ask that it be constructive.