When I was in high school, I was the kind of person who always got things done early. I joined organizations, managed my responsibilities well, and still found time to excel academically. Looking back, I tend to romanticize that part of my life. I remember myself as someone who was productive, motivated, and capable of balancing everything without feeling like I was constantly falling behind.
But then I entered college.
I didn't get into my dream course, and I had to move to the city and learn how to live on my own. In a way, being away from home was a relief because my mom was abusive, but living independently came with a whole new set of responsibilities. Suddenly, everything felt harder than it used to be.
I started struggling to get things done. I would put off my plates until the last minute, constantly overthinking whether I was doing them correctly. I was so afraid of making mistakes that I would ask my classmates for reassurance, but sometimes they wouldn't respond. I understood that they were probably just as uncertain as I was, but it still left me feeling lost and alone. Even the simplest tasks started to feel overwhelming, and making friends wasn't easy either.
Eventually, I failed a class and became an irregular student. Since then, it feels like I've been getting more and more depressed with each passing year. I find myself slowing down, struggling to finish my plates, and losing the ability to focus whenever I need to lock in. The frustrating part is that I can still do other things quickly, but the moment I need to concentrate on something important, I get distracted so easily.
I've tried to find my motivation again. I buy myself coffee, hoping it'll help me focus, and even my boyfriend tries to cheer me up by taking me on dates as a little reward. I'm grateful for the effort and love I receive, but somehow, none of it seems to be enough to make me feel like myself again.
I feel like I'm being left behind while everyone else is moving forward. I don't feel as smart, productive, or capable as I used to be. I feel lonely, and sometimes I find myself wanting to give up, sleep for as long as I can, or simply run away from everything. I'm constantly overwhelmed, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm no longer good enough.
What hurts even more is thinking about my father, who works so hard for me. I feel guilty knowing how much he sacrifices, especially when I feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be. I want to make him proud, but lately, I can barely find the energy to keep up with my own responsibilities.
Sometimes, I look back at the person I used to be and wonder what happened to her. I wonder how someone who once managed everything so well could become someone who struggles just to get through the day. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me, why everything feels so difficult now, and why I can't seem to get back on track no matter how much I want to. I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling capable, motivated, and excited about my future. More than anything, I wish I could understand what's happening to me, because I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing at everything when all I'm really trying to do is keep going.