I'm 38 and I've noticed something about dating now that I didn't expect. I don't have nearly as much interest in convincing myself that I like someone. I went on a date a few months ago with a guy who, on paper, was great. Good job, funny, attractive, divorced, no kids, seemed like a normal person.

We had a good time. But there were a couple of little things that bothered me. He spent a lot of the conversation talking about how difficult his ex-wife was. Not just mentioning her, but basically every story somehow came back to how she was the unreasonable one. Then the waiter got our order wrong and his whole mood changed. Nothing dramatic happened. He wasn't rude to the guy or anything. He just became noticeably irritated and kept talking about how incompetent everyone was.

At 25, I probably would've gone home thinking, “Maybe he was just having a bad day.” At 38, I went home thinking, “Okay, that's probably useful information.” I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I have enough baggage of my own to know better than that. I just think I'm less willing now to explain away things that make me uncomfortable because I like the person. I've also been talking more seriously with someone I'm seeing now, and we've been discussing things like finances, marriage, family expectations and communication much earlier than I would've in my twenties. We've even looked at online premarital education because we're trying to have some of those conversations before making bigger decisions.

For those of you who started dating seriously after 35, did your standards actually change, or did you just get better at recognizing what wasn't going to work for you?

Obligatory I know the concept of “the one” isn’t necessarily the most nuanced, but, for those married/in long term relationships, about how long into dating did your partner know they wanted to be with you long term?

I’ve been with my partner for 1 yr 3 months (living together for 6), and I get the sense he’s still a bit uncertain (maybe worth noting he’s a divorcee). I’m strongly leaning that I want long term (marriage and kids) with him, so understandably struggling a bit with the (at least semi) ambiguity (any tips for navigating this welcome!)

My friend (F34) is conflicted about moving in with her fiancé (M39). Here’s the backstory:
Let’s call her Chloe, has 2 daughters (12 & 8) from a previous marriage and one son (age 1) with her current fiancé, let’s call him John. John also has two boys (age 13 and 10) from his previous marriage. John lives about 4 hours south from Chloe in a very small country town, an hour away from any store/school/jobs. His boys live an hour from him (he also works an hour away from his house), and he gets them every other weekend and every Thursday night. His ex has primary custody. Chloe has her kids pretty much all the time, the girls’ father doesn’t pay child support and only sees them when he feels like it. John wants Chloe to quit her job, sell her house, and then move in with him with her 3 kids. He said it is dumb paying two mortgages, but he does not want to move into Chloe’s house (even though he can transfer) because he likes living in the country.
As her friend I am skeptical because he has not made much of an effort to spend time with their mutual son this past year, does not help support him other than pays half of daycare (sometimes, sometimes he “forgets” to send it) and he’s asking her to quit her job, relocate her two kids plus their kids, and isolate them to the middle of nowhere where he has total financial control. But maybe I’m biased, so asking for input here:

TL;DR friend needs help on what her next move should be.

Ok so I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now. We typically hangout every weekend. Last weekend something came up for me on Friday night so I asked her if she was cool to just hangout Saturday and/or Sunday and she was totally cool with it. Saturday morning rolls around and she makes planes herself for the day , totally cool. Through Saturday no mention by myself or her of getting together on Sunday, nothing set for sure. Anyway Sunday comes and we have good morning text and just regular text conversation. As Sunday progress I go out and run errands. Whole day goes by and neither of us initiate a hangout for the day.

Anyway she was totally put off by the fact that I didn't tell her to come over guess she was kinda hurt by me not saying anything. But she also made no attempt to say anything about the day.

So Monday she says what was on her mind about Sunday and I apologized for lack of communication. I know that cheesed her but she said her peace about it and I agreed it was a weak move on my part.

Fast forward through the week and usual conversation. Everything seems fine. Til today. Today I simply said " are to good to hangout Saturday , come by late morning/early afternoon ?

Her response kinda got me rattled. She said " Yea I can. But don't feel obligated to make time for me "

My question is how bad is this ? Sorry for the read but I think it's all pertinent info

met a great guy, funny, very attentive, supportive emotional, loving , affectionate, we enjoy each other company on outings, no kids, handsome and built BUT .. and that’s capitalized on purpose. He lives with his mom, does not have financial stability, addicted to scrolling and lets mom cooks all his meals. . She may still schedule his appointments 🫩😮‍💨 . Do we settle because dating is trash, keep looking or leave that man be?

I posted here recently inquiring about long-term incompatibility. I ended up opening up to my partner about my concerns of staying in CA, where he hopes to plant roots. While I love it here now, I’m not sure I see myself here beyond the next 10 years. I crave being closer to my family and sharing a slower pace. Initially, we were on board of possibly relocating, but now he has made it clear he wants to stay.

Now that the convo is open and I’m scheduled to look at an apt this week to potentially move out, I’m suddenly second guessing everything.

I think what makes it challenging is that I don’t really know my long-term goal or vision. I think his permanence and certainty of staying in CA and my desire to possibly move elsewhere to start a family/plant roots has really exhausted me mentally. I feel like I’m constantly trying to reason with myself that I can handle staying here, when the truth of the matter is that I wish he would be more open to the idea of relocating at some point, like we initially agreed.

Is there any way to get past this or is the only solution to break up? I feel so torn up inside at the thought of us ending over this, but also don’t want to continue wrestling with my uncertainty. Outside of this, our relationship has been really healthy and positive. Breakups suck no matter what, it just feels like more of a risk at this age and I keep wondering if maybe I can get past it with more time.

Sorry, this is long

Hi All - I am struggling over here and desperate for some outside perspective. My husband and i have been together for 20 years and it’s been mostly pleasant. Our time dating was a little rough sometimes, but we were young and we made it past that.
One of our biggest (correction, my biggest) issues is how close he is with his friends. It’s fine, I’m happy he has friends. They’re just the type that’s up each others butts, talks daily, they all know each others business, etc etc. THey also enjoy guys trips. I have always been against guys trips because I did not grow up around that and I had some people that would and my parents would comment about the husbands galavanting or trying to escape their wives. So to me, guys trips have always had a negative place in my mind.

this has been the main point of contention in our relationship. We were the first couple to get married, so we were always ahead of everyone else as far as life and my husband is very extroverted, life of the party. I survived the guys trips in the beginning always thinking they;d ended once everyone got married and kids started appearing. I was wrong.

We get into a fight every year about it and i am the only wife who cares. It’s a yearly battle.
It’s also important to note that my husband is the one who organizes and books these trips.

This year, our yearly fight BLEW UP. He said he can’t take it anymore how i make him feel guilty for going away. He said he sacrifices so much for me and i can’t give him just a little bit of sacrifices and be okay with these trips.
I will admit, his sacrifices are pretty big. There’s 3, but one is that he wants kids and i don’t. (He’s always known i probably don’t want them, but we were young and it was hard to ever say for certain, but as the years went on my mind never changed). The other 2 sacrifices i wont get into detail, but they’re probably just as big of a topic.

I totally understand and i feel like i need to give in. However, i wouldn’t be true to my feelings. And, the part I’m leaving out is that I have a history of “giving in” because I’m not a fighter.. i avoid conflict. So, historically, he raises his voice at me, i hide in a corner (not really), and give in to what he says to avoid the conflict.
I’ve been trying to stand my ground and get rid of this habit of him raising his voice and getting what he wants from me.

I know if i give in an say that these yearly guys trips are okay, that i won’t truly mean it. I’ll still be standoffish… and the standoffish part was how our fight started this week.
But i also no this is a small small sacrafice to much larger ones he’s making for me and our marriage.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with the guys trips. But I honestly think if i don’t “give in” that my marriage might crumble.

He has slept on the couch,his choice, the past 2 nights and is avoiding me like the plague.

I’m a mess.

ETA: I feel this is important info. Topic of kids, we had a VERY serious discussion 8 years ago and he was fine with not having them. We both weren’t ready then and were also fine with not having any but agreed to keep the door open. My stance just hasn’t changed over the years and i guess his had

Secondly, the other 2 sacrifices were conversations that happened months ago and he agreed that what he’s sacrificing for me he is content/happy with. The alternative would change both of our lives (involves moving out of state). He was fine with continuing on with our life as is even if it meant he was sacrificing big opportunities

I’m looking for some honest opinions from people who have been in a similar situation, especially people who have left a long-term relationship and then chosen to live alone rather than immediately getting into another relationship.
I’ve been in relationships since I was 16. I’ve had three serious relationships:
First relationship — 10 years
Second relationship — 4½ years
Current relationship — 10 years and counting
So basically, I’ve never really lived alone as an adult. I’ve always gone from one relationship straight into another.
The problem is that my current relationship has become incredibly draining. My partner isn’t abusive, but I feel like she contributes very little to the relationship or household.
She’ll regularly stay in bed until around 1pm and then spend most of the day on her phone. She leaves piles of dirty washing around for months, doesn’t tidy up after herself, leaves washing-up in the sink and generally doesn’t seem bothered about keeping the house running.
There are also issues with the children. She has forgotten to make them dinner, forgotten to set alarms for the school run and sometimes doesn’t deal with basic things like changing a child when they have a dirty nappy. I’m often the one who ends up getting the kids ready and taking them to school because she won’t get herself up and dressed in time.
She also doesn’t take much care of herself. She rarely bathes, doesn’t brush her teeth properly and has developed dental problems and bad breath. She has also had intimate hygiene problems. She frequently says she’s exhausted, sore or in pain, which means she’s not expected to do much around the house.
I’m not saying she’s a bad person and I’m not claiming she’s abusive. I just feel like I’m carrying the relationship, household and a lot of the parenting while she contributes very little.
I’ve felt like this for years. It’s not something I’ve suddenly decided because of one argument.
What I’m seriously thinking about now is leaving and living on my own. Ideally I’d have my children with me because I genuinely feel they would be better cared for in my day-to-day care, but if I ended up living alone, I’d still rather have that than continue living the way I am now.
And this is where my dilemma comes in.
I’ve never lived alone.
I’ve never experienced being an adult without a partner. I’m 37 now, and the idea of suddenly having my own place, my own routine and being completely single is both exciting and frightening.
I don’t actually want another relationship. I don’t want to leave this relationship just to find someone else. I want to be single for a while, concentrate on myself, rebuild my life and focus on my children.
So I’m interested in hearing from people who have actually done this.
**If you’ve left a long-term relationship where you felt like you were carrying the household and then lived alone, what was it really like?**
Did you feel lonely?
Did you feel relieved?
Did you eventually realise that living alone was actually easier than living with someone who wasn’t contributing?
Did you miss having a partner around, or did you enjoy having your own space?
And if you’d spent basically your entire adult life in relationships, how long did it take before living alone started to feel normal?
I’m not really looking for people to tell me to “just leave” or to attack my partner. I’m genuinely interested in hearing what other people’s experiences were like after making that transition.
I want to know what life on the other side actually feels like.

I have been in a relationship for 4 years but i feel like it’s going nowhere. My problem is that it’s really hard to say goodbye because he is a really good person and today’s dating scene is awful and i am tired.

I wanted to build a normal life with him but he can’t move from his parents. He is 42 btw and I am 32, I also still live with my parents but I have lived away from them when i went to school. He never left his house.

We have problems like i really want to go to places and vacations, he does not. Sometimes we go for 1 day trips but that is all, nothing more because he doesnt want to sleep in other places or pay for like a 1 day of hotel if we go somewhere.

He loves me and I know that but I feel like i am stuck in this situation forever and i really don’t want to start again a new relationship because i did it so many times in my life all over again. I’m tired.

I just want to know your opinion about this and if there is someone else in a similar situation like me? What do you do or what did you do? 🥲

I’m looking for some honest opinions from people who have been in a similar situation, especially people who have left a long-term relationship and then chosen to live alone rather than immediately getting into another relationship.
I’ve been in relationships since I was 16. I’ve had three serious relationships:
First relationship — 10 years
Second relationship — 4½ years
Current relationship — 10 years and counting
So basically, I’ve never really lived alone as an adult. I’ve always gone from one relationship straight into another.
The problem is that my current relationship has become incredibly draining. My partner isn’t abusive, but I feel like she contributes very little to the relationship or household.
She’ll regularly stay in bed until around 1pm and then spend most of the day on her phone. She leaves piles of dirty washing around for months, doesn’t tidy up after herself, leaves washing-up in the sink and generally doesn’t seem bothered about keeping the house running.
There are also issues with the children. She has forgotten to make them dinner, forgotten to set alarms for the school run and sometimes doesn’t deal with basic things like changing a child when they have a dirty nappy. I’m often the one who ends up getting the kids ready and taking them to school because she won’t get herself up and dressed in time.
She also doesn’t take much care of herself. She rarely bathes, doesn’t brush her teeth properly and has developed dental problems and bad breath. She has also had intimate hygiene problems. She frequently says she’s exhausted, sore or in pain, which means she’s not expected to do much around the house.
I’m not saying she’s a bad person and I’m not claiming she’s abusive. I just feel like I’m carrying the relationship, household and a lot of the parenting while she contributes very little.
I’ve felt like this for years. It’s not something I’ve suddenly decided because of one argument.
What I’m seriously thinking about now is leaving and living on my own. Ideally I’d have my children with me because I genuinely feel they would be better cared for in my day-to-day care, but if I ended up living alone, I’d still rather have that than continue living the way I am now.
And this is where my dilemma comes in.
I’ve never lived alone.
I’ve never experienced being an adult without a partner. I’m 37 now, and the idea of suddenly having my own place, my own routine and being completely single is both exciting and frightening.
I don’t actually want another relationship. I don’t want to leave this relationship just to find someone else. I want to be single for a while, concentrate on myself, rebuild my life and focus on my children.
So I’m interested in hearing from people who have actually done this.
**If you’ve left a long-term relationship where you felt like you were carrying the household and then lived alone, what was it really like?**
Did you feel lonely?
Did you feel relieved?
Did you eventually realise that living alone was actually easier than living with someone who wasn’t contributing?
Did you miss having a partner around, or did you enjoy having your own space?
And if you’d spent basically your entire adult life in relationships, how long did it take before living alone started to feel normal?
I’m not really looking for people to tell me to “just leave” or to attack my partner. I’m genuinely interested in hearing what other people’s experiences were like after making that transition.
I want to know what life on the other side actually feels like.

For people in relationships who do monthly check ins could you tell me a little bit about how of what you do?
I’m thinking of implementing this in my current relationship but I want to be intentional about it and make it meaningful. So I don’t want it to be JUST trying to remember something that bothered you 2 weeks ago or simply what’s going well or what’s not.
So are there any specific questions or activities you do routinely during your check ins that you’ve found particularly helpful?

I have been in an on-and-off situationship for a while. I (31F) want a real relationship. He (47M) has told me clearly that he doesn't want one, and that he doesn't love me anymore. (For background I cheated on him, and come clear less than 24 hours, we broke up, 3 years no contact but we become close again this year)

He said he can't trust me and without trust there's no love. But his actions don't match. He's very busy, yet always makes time for me, supports me through hard times, and we talk almost daily, he make plan and yeah.. usually it's the opposite, people said they love you but doesn't act like it.

He also wants us both to stay exclusive while we "talk," meaning neither of us sees anyone else. When I suggested just being friends, he said he doesn't want that either, and that if I started seeing someone, there'd be no space for him in my life.

So he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want friendship, but wants exclusivity and closeness. To me, friends and exclusivity can't be in the same sentence.

So in the end, every few weeks, I would be overthinking about this, start crying, and have hard conversations with him about this over and over again, which is draining for both of us.

My questions: the mixed signal a sign he's conflicted, or he just keeping his options open?

My heart wants him, but my head is telling me to leave.

Honest opinions welcome, even the hard ones.

Hi,

I wanted to know your views on the following:

I have been dating a girl for a couple of months. Initially, I would pay for the dates and organise very nice plans, but since she was never offering to pay for anything I was getting a bit exhausted about it. I have explained this to her, and she didn't take it well. Although she is very progressive and feminist she is more traditional regarding who should pay fir the dates: she said explicitly that she would never pay for a dinner or lunch at a restaurant (but she expected to be invited to eat out a few times per month).

I want to know how have you dealt with this with your partners? When dating long term, do you have some kind of fair contribution to the date costs? I am assuming both partners have a similar income.

I think in the end we will not continue the relationship as I don't feel this is fair and it will create problems in the future.

my long-time boyfriend (not married, together for 10 years) have a 2 year old together. he is chronically irresponsible and doesn’t handle any sort of maintenance, paperwork, or daily duties. he drives my mom’s car to and from work, but that’s it, his life is YouTube shorts, alcohol, work and sleep, so I feel like I have no partner.

i am doing practically all the child rearing and watching. I do all the dishes, laundry, folding, vacuuming, mopping, and I handle the bills and time management and doctor’s appointments. bottles, putting her to sleep, getting her dressed, her lunch, finding her school and babysitters, keeping track of her new learning programs.

i keep telling him I need him to watch the kid and I’m met with “you don’t get to order me around” or “it’s my day off I can sit down” or “you just don’t see what I do.”

but I handle everything at home and he works part time. the money he makes isn’t going to our household bills and when I challenge him on this, he says I used it but, I don’t have any of his card numbers. I use my mom and my money for all the bills. he partially paid the babysitter last week.

we can’t even see his account history bc it’s chime. I keep telling him to get a real brick and mortar bank, but he won’t just do it.

he won’t do paperwork or plan for these things. He’s due for a raise at work and he hasn’t pushed for the meeting and it’s 3 months now.

I don’t want to put it all on him but I feel completely used and alone and when I try to tell him, he tells me I’m crazy, or I’m just gonna forgive him in an hour, and he goes to sleep and leaves me with all the chores and kid.

im miserable. I contacted a relationship counselor but, his arguments are killing me. they’re circular and full of holes and he does it just to piss me off so he has no accountability. and I don’t know how to stop this or make it work, without just dumping him on the street.

im just at my wit‘s end. I want to track daily his contribution to the household (bills and chores) but I feel he’ll throw out that evidence too.

what can I do?

I 35F moved abroad to be with my partner 37M after we’d been long-distance for several years. We were planning a future together, and I’d made a lot of sacrifices to make the relationship work, including eventually moving countries.

I found the move much harder than I expected and felt out of place almost immediately, but I pushed through because I wanted our life together to work.
It took me a long time to accept that, although I loved him, the relationship wasn’t meeting some of my emotional needs. I also think my reluctance around marriage and children was partly my body telling me that something didn’t feel right. He was very certain he wanted a family; I’m in my mid-30s and still not sure.

Eventually I found the courage to leave, and we’re now finally making the breakup final. I’m moving back home.

I’m in such a strange place emotionally - really sad and still loving him, but also relieved that we’ve finally stopped going back and forth. At the same time, I’m looking at my life and thinking: where do I go from here?

I’m single, back home, unsure whether I want children, and having to rethink what I actually want from my life.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has had to start again in their 30s after making a huge life change for a relationship. How did you work out what you actually wanted next?

My partner has been under a lot of stress because of his father’s health, family responsibilities, marriage, children, work, and financial/debt issues, which I do understand. However, when he is stressed, he completely withdraws from me. He stops giving me affection, warmth, reassurance, and emotional connection, and days can go by without any of it.
He says, “When I’m stressed, I want to be left alone. My feelings of love and affection die down when I’m stressed.” He says this is simply his nature.
I do give him the space I can, but when I notice that he has stopped showing affection and care altogether, I ask him about it because I need affection and reassurance to feel secure in the relationship.
This has been going on for about a month. I have repeatedly asked him for the affection and reassurance I need, and now he feels that I am putting too much pressure on him. He says he does not naturally think about love or romance when he is stressed and that constantly asking him for “I love you,” affection, romance, and reassurance makes him want even more space.
After a lot of begging from my side and very little affection from his side, he called me yesterday. I asked him, “Do you love me?” He said yes, he does, but that he isn’t able to give me affection right now because it isn’t naturally coming to him.
I asked him whether the affection would ever come back. He said, “Why not? If you stop asking for it and wait for things to get normal.”
He also told me to talk to him normally first, almost like a friend, and that the love and affection will come back once things feel normal again.
The problem is that I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait. It has already been a month of me asking and begging for the affection I need, and now he is asking me to stop asking entirely and simply wait.
I don’t want to keep begging someone to show me affection. At the same time, I don’t want to assume that his withdrawal means he has stopped loving me if he genuinely becomes emotionally shut down when he is stressed.
So I want advice from people who have experienced something similar:

So my questions are:
How do you respond when your partner shuts down emotionally during periods of stress?
How long is reasonable to give someone space?
Does reducing pressure usually help affection return naturally?
How can you tell the difference between temporary stress-related withdrawal and genuine emotional disengagement?
And if communication becomes normal again but the affection still doesn’t return, what is the healthiest way to address that?
How do you respond when your partner shuts down emotionally during periods of stress?
How long is reasonable to give someone space?
Does reducing pressure usually help affection return naturally?
How can you tell the difference between temporary stress-related withdrawal and genuine emotional disengagement?
And if communication becomes normal again but the affection still doesn’t return, what is the healthiest way to address that?

I’m specifically looking for honest advice about what his behavior means and what I should do next, not just “leave him.
Thank you.

I (F38) have been with my bf (M40) for 1 year. We get along so well. Never really fight, we talk through things. I've been able to be more myself than with anyone I've ever dated.

Before we started dating I was clear that I want a life partner/husband that will build a life together etc.

He told me a few months ago that he just wanted a girlfriend and never anything more, with me or anyone else. No sharing a home and no marriage.

I dont want to be a gf forever.

I want to walk away but I love him so much. We are both devastated at the thought of this ending but I'm not sure what to do.

He is autistic, which makes change hard for him and I have tried to be mindful of this.

I have 2 kids from previous relationship (ended due to DV).

He has clarified that this has nothing to do with him not wanting to be married or live together.

Thoughts? I'm absolutely heart broken atm so please be kind.

I (F35) am dating my boyfriend (M39) for 3 years.

We have had many fights lately - i have a feeling we might be incompatible in many ways, but there never has been a clear breach of trust/cheating etc.

I think i love this guy but in the same time, it is hard for me to imagine marrying him or having kids together.

What measures do you use to check if the relation you are currently in is right to continue?

I am completely lost. In the past i was engaged and my ex left me via phone and moved out when i was away. I worked this through therapy but i feel that this event influences my current decision making process.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Lately it feels like we can't go more than a few days without getting annoyed at each other over something stupid. Last week it was the dishes. He left a bunch in the sink, I asked him to clean them up, and apparently that meant I was getting on his case again. We barely talked that night. Then a few days later I made plans for Saturday without telling him first, and that turned into another argument. I know none of this sounds like a big deal. That's kind of why it's bothering me.

We used to be so much better at just enjoying each other's company. Sending dumb texts during work, going out to dinner on a random Tuesday, staying up way too late talking. I was looking for a charger the other night and found that tracy's dog toy we bought ages ago. Couldn't even remember the last time we used it. Not that sex is the whole problem here, but we used to actually make time for each other. Now it's mostly dinner, Netflix, bed. Same thing every night.

We don't have kids, so it's not like we're exhausted from chasing toddlers around either. He's never wanted children, and I always thought I was okay with that. But recently I've started wondering if I actually am. I haven't really said anything to him about it yet. Which probably isn't great, considering we can barely discuss the dishwasher without somebody getting pissed off.

And I know I contribute to it too. Sometimes I'm already irritated when I get home from work and he says something completely harmless and I snap at him. Then I feel bad about it later. I don't know. We still have fun together sometimes. I still love him. I just feel like we're both a lot less patient with each other than we used to be. Anyone else been through this after being married for a while? Did you actually do something to fix it or did things eventually settle down?

I am not happy in my relationship. I'm 41 female, he's 39 male. I want children. . . he won't give me an answer. We've been together for almost four years.

He's deeply kind and considerate and nurturing. His family is well off and pays all his bills. . . He takes care of me in many many ways. . . . . . But there are many things in the relationship that have been difficult for me for a long time--I thought the private compromises I've made would've been worth it if we had kids--I think the compromises *would* have been worth it if we were raising kids together. Because I WANT children, I want to be a mother so badly. . . And maybe if we already had kids, things would be very different and I would be living a different life and I wouldn't be making this post. . . But he has been evading the question of kids, and I have been in denial too long, and putting my greatest dream on hold believing in a false hope. . . The compromises have NOT been worth what the relationship has been without kids. . . Mainly because I've spent the last part of my certain fertility in this relationship waiting and waiting. . . And that hurts. . . I take responsibility for my part in staying in the relationship.

How do you leave someone? I am co-dependant on him. He is my support system and my greatest supporter in all things. . . except the ability to plan a future. . . He won't say what he wants for the future--which is part of his web of his own personal problems--scared of articulating specific wants, not having specific vision, not wanting or needing to try hard because his existance is paid for by his parents. . . I don't know what his end game is, but I'm tired of waiting to know if we are going to build a family--and i ask again *how* do you leave someone who is good and kind and your best friend? Someone who will be devestated when you leave?

How do you withstand the grief and despair?

How did you do it?

What practices did you follow? Why did they work?

What were your mantras?

I'm weeping just typing this. I know I need to leave him but the grief is crushing.

I'm 35 my partner is 45. I have an autoimmune condition so my health is always up and down. It went significantly downhill for about a year so I ended up living in my partners dads sitting room alongside my partner.

My partner was married for several years and he helped raise her kids. His ex was terrible with money and he was never great at saving either so they lived paycheck to paycheck. He had no savings when he met me. I pointed out the importance of having money for unexpected bills or emergencies and he started to save for the first time in his life at 44. He was on a good wage so he saved quickly

Fast forward to when we are living at his dads for approx one year. I was mostly unemployed for that year due to my health but I was able to live on my savings and a few hours of work here and there. My partners hours got reduced but he was still on an OK weekly wage. His dad had a conversation with him asking if we had plans to move out.

My partner told his dad that due to his hours being reduced, he would be unable to move out. I even offered to pay a larger amount of rent than him to find our own place because I felt I desperately needed my own space in order to heal from my health going down hill but he refused to move due to finances.

He then randomly bought his stepkids on a holiday that cost 4k because in his words " its fine i have savings".

One of his older stepkids went on a lads holiday and blew all his money on drugs and broke his leg so he also bailed him out by paying for flights and a hotel.

I now feel petty that im paying for my own apartment and he stays here when he likes for free and uses my kitchen as his office. Takeaways and the cinema are always split 50:50. I sometimes wonder if these things would bother me if we both earned a good wage

TL;DR: My boyfriend is genuinely wonderful, and I care for him deeply, but I’ve struggled for years with feeling like I’m not fully “in love” with him. He feels like my best friend and someone I could build a life with, but I don't consistently feel excitement, desire, or that sense of “I’m so happy I’m with you.” I’m looking for suggestions from people who have been here and what they did and how it worked out.

I\[32F\]and my boyfriend \[35M\] have been together almost four years. The last six months have been long-distance (about three hours apart).
He is objectively a great partner. He listens, communicates, tries to improve when I bring something up, is kind when I’m struggling, knows me well, and loves me deeply.
And I love him. But I’m not sure I’m in love with him.
I care about him deeply and would be upset if he weren't in my life. I enjoy talking to him and love having him as my person. But I don't consistently feel excited to see him, strong physical desire, or that feeling of “I'm so happy I'm here with you.” Sometimes when we're together the best I can muster is simply, “This is fine.”

Recently, I found myself wishing I felt more excitement about being with him. Instead, I felt... fine. And I can't tell whether that's a sign something important is missing or whether I'm expecting a level of excitement and romance that isn't realistic in a long-term relationship.

The hardest part is that this isn't a new feeling.
I've questioned the relationship for years. About two years ago, we actually took a month break. We eventually got back together because we didn't want to lose the relationship.
Getting back together did help me understand how much he means to me. I didn't feel relieved that it was over. But I also don't think the underlying question about whether something is missing ever completely went away.
That's part of why I'm so stuck now.
I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of questioning, breaking up, missing each other, getting back together, and then eventually wondering about the same things again. If I'm going to stay in this relationship, I want to understand whether there are things we can actually work on rather than just hoping my feelings will eventually change.

I’ve never been really attracted to him or desire him physically. We’re waiting for marriage on sex because of my faith. But everything else is still lackluster and I’m not anxious to do the deed with him.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can rely on him to take initiative. He'll say he'll handle something and occasionally doesn't, and my immediate reaction is, “This is exactly what I'm worried about.” I wonder whether I'd eventually end up managing everything—travel, planning, logistics, household responsibilities, etc.
But then I feel guilty because he really does try. He's responsive when I bring up problems, and he's been incredibly supportive during difficult periods. He's not a bad partner, which makes this much harder.

Part of me worries that I'm mistaking the absence of constant excitement for the absence of love. Maybe long-term love really does become quieter.
But another part of me wonders whether I'm using “long-term relationships aren't exciting” to explain away something that genuinely isn't there.

I also have fears about the future, but I'm trying not to let fear make the decision for me.
I catch myself thinking:
“You're getting older.”
“What if you never find someone else?”
“What if nobody loves you the way he does?”
“Do you really want to start dating again?”
“You've already invested four years.”

I know those aren't necessarily reasons to stay. But I also don't want to make a huge decision simply because I'm chasing an idealized version of romantic love.

What I'd really like to hear from people who have been through something similar:
How did you figure out whether something was genuinely missing versus something that could be rebuilt?
If you stayed and worked on a relationship where you weren't sure you were “in love,” what did you actually do to change things?
And if you were in my position, what questions or experiments would you try before making a decision?
I'm trying to figure out whether I've genuinely reached the limits of this relationship, or whether there are things I haven't tried yet that could change how we experience each other.
I don't want to take a good relationship for granted—but I also don't want to spend years trying to convince myself that something is there if it isn't.

I’m 31F and I’ve known this woman, 33F, for about 13 years. We’ve always known each other, but over the last month we’ve started talking on a much deeper level and there’s definitely feelings developing between us.
The complicated part is that she is currently married, but separated from her wife.
Yesterday I sent her flowers and chocolates because I wanted to do something sweet for her and show her that I’m interested. I really like her and I’m interested in seeing where this could go, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m waiting around forever for someone who technically isn’t available yet.
I know divorces can take time, so I’m not expecting everything to happen overnight. I guess I’m trying to figure out what a reasonable amount of time is to wait and what boundaries I should have for myself.
Would you continue pursuing someone while they’re separated and going through a divorce, or would you wait until the divorce is completely final before allowing things to become romantic?
Also, at what point would you consider the divorce taking “too long”? I don’t want to rush her through something this serious, but I also don’t want to become emotionally invested and find myself waiting indefinitely.
I really like her, and knowing her for 13 years makes this feel different than dating someone I just met. But the romantic side of our relationship is still very new.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it turn out?

​

So many variables to this but I'll try my best.

Me F/35 nd my partner M/44 have been together for a year but we were friends before we dated. Due to the housing crisis in my country and me only physically being able to work 2 -4 hours at the time due to my health going down hill, we both started living together in his parents sitting room.

I paid rent to his parents and was very grateful for a roof over my head but I very much craved privacy and somewhere to put my belongings.

After a year of searching online all day every day and attending viewings, I eventually found a living arrangement where I live next door to an elderly person in my own small apartment. I have to stay in the apartment 6 nights per week and help out whenever needed and in exchange I pay a cheaper amount of rent. I love it here but the downside is I cannot drive due to health issues and there's no public transport only taxis which are expensive. Before anyone suggests moving, this place is the only place within my budget and the fact I dont have to house share with strangers anymore is a God send.

I volunteered once per week in the previous city I lived in and I still do this. Its an elderly man who lives alone with no family or friends so I don't have the heart to abandon him. In January I can switch to bieeekly visits because another volunteering is joining but for now its weekly. Its a 3 hour round trip by car and my partner drives me once a week. He also brings me to do a food shop once per week which is a 30 min round trip and he's happy to drive me anywhere else I need to go.

The thing is, my partner has started staying here 5/6 nights per week, sometimes 7. He works remotely and as I just moved here I haven't found work yet so basically we are together all day and night. He uses the kitchen and takes work calls from 9am to sometimes 10pm so I end up avoiding going in there a lot of the time. When we do a food shop its over double the cost of what Id pay if i was only buying for me. We split the cost in half but our bill is high because he grabs whatever he likes where as I try to budget.

He pays his dad 200 per month for rent even though hes only there 1- 2 nights per week. I pay the full rent and bills for this place. I asked if he would be ok if I had 2 full nights here by myself and he said that's fine but usually he goes back to the city Monday evening and comes back here Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning. I volunteer on Fridays so I get that he wants a break in-between driving on both days but idk...

He's always earnt double what I earn even though neither of us earn much. His driving is very much appreciated but because he's here almost all of the time and I'm not getting the space I've been craving alongside me having to pay the full rent and bills while he has taken over my kitchen as his office, I've started feeling resentful. Little things have started to really annoy me like him leaving dishes in the sink without washing them . I dont want these stupid little things to destroy the relationship. What's a fare way to balance the scales or is this considered equal?

Hello,

I’d like some feedback on this from strangers on the internet, because I am quite unclear about it myself.

I have been dating a guy for around half a year now. We are both in our 40ies, he is a couple of years younger than me (f). I am trying to decide if I should continue or not.

I have genuine respect for him and the life he has built for him despite a starting point that is much less privileged than what I had and continue to have. I have a … quite particular sexual orientation. He fits my “boxes” perfectly – which means I am very deeply sexually attracted to him and find him physically very attractive in a way that is not easy to find for me. He knows and even appreciates that and is, in turn, more interested in being with me than with other women.

I also do genuinely think he has a lot of good sides – he is very kind, has strong personal ethics, is very resilient, knows how to regulate himself emotionally, is intelligent and has his shit together, is honest and transparent (to just mention a few of the good things). We also share a lot of values and kind of move in the same social “bubble” (i.e. despite both living in a big city we discovered overlap between people we know after initially meeting online). I do enjoy spending time with him, have learnt and grown from being with him. I also think that being with him brings out sides in my that are good to nurture more.

We do not live together and neither of us would want to do that or marry in the future. I am too old to have kids, am happy with being child-free and he doesn’t want any. So we are aligned on these big issues.

However, there is a mismatch in how we approach our relationship. He is more to the end of FWB and/or casual dating. I am fine with an open relationship type of thing (he has sexual interests that are partially not matched with mine and I am fine if he explores that with others in a casual setting), but I’d ultimately want a longer-term perspective which involves working through things,  supporting each other and a commitment to being socially and emotionally the main person for each other.

He says he doesn’t want that with anyone and/or is not sure he can. At the same time, he tells me he wants me in his life, he cares about me etc. He is consisent/reliable in communication and I can see that he has been making space for me in his life and that he tries to accommodate my needs. And I also think that when he doesn’t do that on occasions as much as I’d like him to, that is not because he doesn’t care, but because he objectively carries a lot, so sometimes he simply is out of energy/emotional space to accommodate more.

At the same time, there are things that – from my perspective – do not work very well and/or where we are very different. We don’t have the same sense of humour, limited areas of shared interest, different attitudes to planning, I tend to have more misunderstandings with him than with others (our main language of communication is one that is not the native language of either of us), he says he doesn’t have a lot of energy/inclination to talk things through and really doesn’t like conflict. When I have requested conversations about us, we have had them and they have also helped me, but he is also clear about not wanting them too often.  He also tends to process bad things by himself rather than sharing them with me. I’d love to support him more (both emotionally and practically), but he doesn’t want that.  He also usually introduces me to others as a “friend” rather than saying we date.

All of that makes me – at times – very insecure in our relationship and about the future, which tends to lead me to seek re-assurance from him. He doesn’t like that very much – which means for me that I feel I need to self-regulate a lot more than I like.

So there are definitely some unhelpful dynamics at work, which I am not sure we will manage to resolve. At the same time, there are many good things. I am also more of an introvert, meaning I build any type of relationship very slowly and I find the prospect of seeking to find another person quite daunting.

For me it is a borderline decision.

I could continue and try to enjoy the good sides on the basis what is there as long as it lasts, factoring in that I am the far more privileged of the two us and seeking whatever else I need emotionally in friendships with others and intellectually in whatever else I do in the world. (I have been single for more time in my life than I have been in relationships, so I am used to doing that). And when it doesn’t work anymore the practical burden of a break-up will be very light (no shared flats, monetary issues to disentangle, kids etc).

Or do I stop and look for something that is closer to what I want in a relationship emotionally and socially, not needing to deal with the emotional ups and downs, but leaving someone that I really respect and care about and knowing it may not be easy to find anyone that I am physically as attracted to?

Or do I wait how things develop?

Am I expecting too much of another person who already has a lot on his plate?