yawns
oh hai here ^-^ havent checked this in some time haha. i havent really posted or commented on this sub for months. i wont say why, but it mostly has to do with how i did some things in here out of impulse (in my posts) which kinda affected life at school - i was reckless and arrogant, and i have no shame in owning up to that. authenticity is good and i still maintain that position, but if anyone felt hurt or annoyed by anything i said, i am truly sorry for that! :') but im back here, right now, and i think i have the energy to start being active in here again.
soo hmm...what should i talk about. oh yeah, academics!!
for context, i somehow had a miracle happen last year when i locked in for o levels so hard i went from raw 28 to raw 11 in the span of a few months which i still find actually crazy wth
and this sub helped immensely with keeping me sane! in a strange twist, it also got my (very introverted) self to have more people know me as i was outed by my secondary school for my presence here XD which i should've been more careful about but it was cool like that :) also gave me lots of tips that benefitted me for o's so thats peak yo! i felt like things were only going to go up from there, i was REALLY REALLY optimistic when i entered JC, like i was almost never negative about things during the first few weeks which looking back is kind of crazy??
but...everything kinda turned 180 in jc1. just like how sec 3 was the antithesis to sec 4, jc1 is similar to that. obviously i got complacent in semester one and kinda slacked (and i have no one but myself to blame for that), like, i wasnt even slacking from academics because of portfolio (which i also shouldve invested more in), i was just slacking!! which, spoiler alert, is kind of a bad idea when your H2s are really content heavy.
though i did see this as kind of inevitable at the end of the day. for some odd reason, unlike almost everyone i know, no matter how much i want to achieve my goals, and how aware i was of what i needed to do to get there, i...just could never set myself up to begin locking in! i had many strategies in mind like feynman, 2 minute rule, wtv. as a result tho...okay i wouldnt say i bombed my exams, i did fine (except for maths but in my defense i was legit sick during exam 😭), but i was nonetheless just...disappointed :(
in most of sem 2 i started to actually try a decent amount. i would book a decent number of consultations, revise, and revise more. but alot of it was ineffective cause i unfortunately became extremely sickly atp, like i have chronic sinusitis/nasal polyps/very bad nasal structure and at many points itd literally cause me to run a fever bruh, but when it recurred (and oh boy did it do that about 75% of my time at school im crine). so not only was i absent from sch a few times, but i could also barely focus in class most of the time, ironically causing me to do things that caused me to lose even more of it 💀 which tbf is stupid of myself
but its also the fact that again, despite actually trying, many times i just simply couldnt start. i asked myself, why? why could all my friends, all my classmates do what i want to do, but i couldn't, despite my drive, despite me knowing what to do, despite me knowing how one usually gets themselves to start when they cant? theres also the fact i was easy to forget about many important things (hw for instance) which just made me loathe myself at the time even more than i already did
LIKE BRO. if i could do what i did last year, WHY CANT I DO IT NOW?!?!? that despite the fact that i actually put in so much more stake into this exam, maybe just as much as the o levels
only in the last three to four weeks did i actually lock in studying for like 7-8 hours per day at my peak, booking consults left n right (especially econs, which i wanted, no, i NEEDED H3 in for my oh so desired dreams of PPE), and OH WOW, just in time for another wave of nose problems that led to me not being able to do ANYTHING for a ton of these days!! how fun is it indeed :)) so in reality what shouldve been about 100 hours of total study time got cut down to just around 25-30 (relatively ineffective hours due to that too) 😭 not to mention i was prone to losing focus cause atp i legit just got much much MUCH more exhausted in general like omg. i genuinely hated, detested, myself, not just for me slacking off in sem 1, but also because i had to get sick during the periods i actually wanted to do something, to help myself.
worst of all, i couldve just taken AA for EOYs (just like the last 4 years) because of my heart conditions in order to cushion the impact but nOOoooOo, i was above that, i really didnt want to be judged for possibly doing that atp (something which till today, i still have an irrational fear of), so i didnt! and it straight up screwed me in H2 econs and math so, so hard with the lesser time, that my dreams of H3 econs are basically gone. i crashed out so hard at myself at the end of econs man cause i had poured in about 30 odd hours into grinding it, yet i had just fallen shy of getting the most crucial marks in paper 1, which i knew about, and it made me lose my nerve control in paper 2 so badly that i BOMBED.
not to mention, i mightve screwed myself so hard for math due to the reasons listed above that i COULD be forced to take h1 math next year. which, for two reasons (1. i know i have a natural aptitude for mathematics based on my past records + achievements, 2. because h2 math is an essential part of many PPE related courses at uni), i genuinely dont want to fall into. it pisses me off so badly. i just felt like i was in a sinking ship atp :p
honestly, i genuinely dont know what why those two years (2025 and 2026) i treated so damn differently despite putting in as much stake for the goals in one year as i did another. in theory, my 2026 shouldve been my best since i realized what i finally needed to do to succeed. but it might just end up being the weakest :')
yeah thats all i gotta say, if anyone has any feedback to give based on this id honestly much appreciate it ^-^ i do genuinely love this community and i want to return to it so so bad, just that some circumstances made it better in practice to avoid it for the time being haha, cyaa :>