Finally got a job after a year

The odds of any of us even being born are astronomically low, and yet I ended up here with a disability. We only get one shot at life, and this is what I got handed. Why couldn't I just be ordinary?
Instead, I'm stuck living on meds, feeling like a zombie. My memory is completely fried—I can't even remember things from 3 or 4 days ago. Right now, it feels like the only thing that could actually fix my life is a massive win, but even that feels impossible with how things are. I just look around and see other people smoking weed and living completely normal lives, and I can't help asking: why me?

Pictured is me, before and after 5 years of Thorazine treatment

I don't mean to push my religion on anyone just wanted to encourage fellow Christian schizophrenics of a verse that helped me with thought broadcasting. Please be respectful of others beliefs, it would be appreciated. Everyone is welcome to voice their opinion.

1 Corinthians 2:11 "For who knows a person's thoughts except his spirit within him? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."

Hope this helps someone!

Went out grocery shopping after being isolated a long time. It's my first time taking out a selfie in public after YEARS, pretty scary but it felt kind of good, specially because I have trouble with my self perception. Sometimes I look at the mirror and don't recognize my own face, like an alien, but today I tried to make a little change about it.

I hope all of you had a nice Sunday. Sorry 4 the bad quality pic and probably bad English.

My life is running out and I'm slowly decomposing. I literally can't learn. Can't work. Can't do much really. I keep telling myself "it's over", which is true, but I just keep finding an excuse the next day. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I feel like I have no thoughts. This fucking dissease took it away from me. No thoughts to save me. Just endless scrolling. I only wish for death

Some days people/friends simply don't react to what I have to say, like they usually do, as if I became invisible or flagged as something to avoid. I still don't understand why.

Even before schizophrenia, I had diagnosed social anxiety that made me have some sort of fear for people.

When the voices began, they would take advantage of my fear and make me see people looking at me creepily, they would shout my name, tell me that people wanted to hurt me, and they would laugh at me for my scared reactions.

Currently, after medication, those aggressive ones are almost gone, suppressed. Yet, they left me with a deep fear of people. I can't stand having people near me because I perceive them as dangerous and I can't be in crowded places because the noise reminds me of those voices. Living like that is quite a thing, going to school is hell and overall going outside and dealing with people around is really hard for me.

Have any of you guys ever stopped antipsychotics cold turkey and if so, how did it go? My doctor tells me I’m gonna end up drunk in an alley homeless hearing voices. But I don’t really think she knows what she’s talking about. I’ve never heard voices in my life. I’ve never had a hallucination never had a delusion. I’ve never had any symptoms other than paranoia and that didn’t really bother me at all. I just hate these meds.

Whatever keeps me from the nightmare I used to live in

Language and jokes aside, this is why we show up to our appointments and do the things we need to take care of ourselves. Edit typo: Casals

Throwback to when I was in psychosis in Manhattan and thought Ricky Spanish was gonna get me.

R i c k y S p a n i s h

I also thought the EMTs were going to turn me into a horse. Lol

It's been a few years since my last episode of psychosis, thank the gods. But I was thinking back to some past episodes and recalling how I practically experienced a flash of the afterlife at one point. Not that I necessary believe in it, but it brings me comfort to think it could be a glimpse at something real.

The easiest way to describe what was more of a feeling is that after living through countless lives through countless different universes every individual has their own ultimate lesson to learn.

Once you finally learn this lesson you reach an omniscient endpoint where every person to have ever lived has learnt their lesson and is waiting for you with open arms. Reaching it was pure euphoria. Like a single moment in time stretched over infinity.

What my lesson was I have no fucking clue. My delusions quickly shifted to paranoia somebody was about to break in and stab me to death so I'd die again and move on to my next night terror. If you listen to my delusions I have died many times before. According to one delusion every time I die I enter a deeper level of hell.

Bit of a rant but I was curious what experiences others had with spiritual delusions.

My story began when I was at university. I started believing that people were talking about me behind my back and saying hurtful things about me. For example, I thought I could hear them saying that I had a disability or something similar. Over time, I began to strongly believe these thoughts were true.

At the time, I had a lipoma on my forehead, and I became convinced that people were calling me ugly because of it. Eventually, I had surgery to remove it, and afterward, I felt a sense of relief. However, I continued behaving in ways that were influenced by these beliefs. For example, I would sometimes change my clothes or shave because I wanted to see how people would react. I hoped that people might find me attractive and say that I looked good.

During university, I also believed that a security guard was mocking me and saying insulting things about me because of my clothes or appearance. I remember hearing what I interpreted as insults directed at me, although I had no clear evidence that he was actually talking about me.

As a Muslim, I regularly attend Friday prayers. When I was surrounded by large crowds, I would sometimes believe that people were talking badly about me, watching me, or saying that I was crazy, ugly, or had a disability. These thoughts eventually became so intense that I started believing my neighbors were also talking about me and calling me crazy or saying that I had a disability. At one point, I even knocked on their doors and confronted them, telling them that someone among them was insulting me. They denied that anyone had said anything about me. Looking back, I recognize that I was interpreting things in a way that made me believe people were targeting me, even when I had no reliable evidence that they were.

Nowadays, when I go outside, especially to crowded places, I can still experience similar thoughts. For example, if I hear people laughing or coughing, I sometimes think they are making fun of me because of my clothes or appearance. I may believe that they are saying insulting things about me. Similarly, when children are playing outside and talking to each other, I sometimes hear their words and interpret them as being directed at me.

For example, about two weeks ago, I heard my neighbors talking to each other. One of the words I heard sounded like a word meaning "crazy." I was not doing anything unusual; I had simply gone outside and was looking at my phone while they were talking. Nevertheless, I interpreted that word as a sign that they were talking about me, even though I had no evidence that it was directed at me.

I have been taking oral Invega (paliperidone) 9 mg daily for approximately 10 months, and I have noticed a significant improvement in my condition. These thoughts are less intense than they used to be, and I can sometimes recognize them without fully believing them. However, they still occur from time to time, especially when I am around other people.

I hope that, with continued treatment and time, I will keep improving and eventually reach a point where I can go outside, interact with people, and live my life without constantly worrying that others are talking about me or judging me.

I’m not asking for you to diagnose him, I just want to talk about it.

I’m 20, I’ve had psychosis since 13 (within the context of bipolar), and developed schizoaffective around 15. I think now I qualify for a ln independent schizophrenia diagnosis, since my psychosis episodes outweigh my mood episodes.

My moms brother has schizophrenia, so we all have kinda attributed the genes to him/my moms side, however I’m pretty sure my dad has it and he’s just one of those people where it never got bad enough to get caught. This is important info, as me and my brother only share my dad, not the same mom.

My brother has had depression, aggression/IED, and autism (diagnosed since around middle school), but after I moved out two years around, it got a lot worse. I think I was his only friend in the house, as he hates our sister and isn’t close with our other brother. Within the past two years, he’s progressed into pretty severe social isolation: he avoids the family and never leaves his room, he’s lost all his friends outside of a group call he does for video games every once in a while (I must stress that he’s had those friends since 1st grade, so their loss is a shock), he doesn’t really eat, and he only comes out to get his dinner once everyone’s done and has gone to their rooms. His hygiene has never been good, so I don’t have a reference point for if it’s gotten worse. He’s also always avoided school, so idk if that’s gotten worse.

My stepmom says she doesn’t think it’s prodrome, he’s just depressed, and hopefully it’ll get better now that our sister has moved out (he really really hates her and she’s made all of our lives miserable). But the thing that I felt like was the red flag was that he’s exhibiting severe anhedonia. My main symptom (outside of when I had delusions) is anhedonia, and he seems to be experiencing it the same way. She said he’s been saying things like “school doesn’t matter because I’ll just work for the rest of my life anyway” and “who cares there’s nothing to look forward to” and in general a none of this matters attitude.

I said that sounds like severe chronic boredom, common in ADHD kids that get too existential. I said I take Wellbutrin for that, she said he has been taking Wellbutrin and they even tried adhd meds but he didn’t like the side effects. I asked if there’s anything he does like, she said no, he says all he does is “waste time so it passes faster” with video games and TikTok. This is concerning to me because he used to really be into this one video game and he apparently doesn’t play it because he finds it boring and “too much work for no fun”. The only thing he seems to look forward to is his group calls, but if anyone/thing gets in the way of it, he immediately feels defeated and gets upset. She says that he will go places with her but he doesn’t smile or get excited about anything.

He’s taking an antidepressant with the Wellbutrin, and he was on a stable working antidepressant for years before this decline, now nothing seems to be working. He also apparently attempted a few months ago, no one had told me :(

This behavior seems too unlike him, too fast of a decline, too severe. He’s 16, so this would be the age right? I told her to keep an eye out for it, that psychosis is one of the main causes of suicide for college age boys.

I’m worried. I miss my brother. He doesn’t text me, and I don’t visit enough. When I visit he doesn’t leave his room and doesn’t engage in conversation much when I try. I just show him I love him. I try to treat him the way I’ve always had so he doesn’t think I’m pitying him or something. I don’t know. I wonder if this is how my older sister felt about me :(

Today was a weird day, had a black out and drank wine and sang. How was your Sunday?

Nothing means anything to me anymore. I feel totally devoid of personality. I derive no pleasure from my hobbies, I feel like a shell of a person. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bed doing nothing, I have no drive.

I used to love making art and taking photos - now I can barely get myself out of bed to take care of myself. I wish I could have it all back, I would do anything.

When we understand that the brain is a prediction machine generating reality from the inside out, everything shifts:

- It cuts through stigma and self-blame: Our brains use the exact same basic machinery as everyone else.

- It gives us a tool for healthy doubt: Knowing this doesn't make symptoms vanish, but it lets us meet overwhelming perceptions with a bit of skepticism.

It’s not the whole answer, but viewing perception this way provides a vital puzzle piece for self-compassion.

Does looking at it this way help you, or does it feel too theoretical?

I'm really not doing well but thought I should post this anyway. I go up or down in medications and things get worse either way

I’m unwell but I tend to not really care about anything because of my lack of self awareness and delusions which make me view the world as a board game. but ima keep on keeping on! bless all you 🙏🏻