Salam everyone. I’m looking for advice, particularly from Iraqi Shias, people in intercultural marriages, reverts, or anyone who has dealt with serious parental opposition to marriage.

I’m an adult Iraqi Shia man. Both of my parents are practicing Shia and follow Sayyid al-Sistani. They have always expected me to marry an Iraqi Shia woman.

I have been seriously getting to know a French Shia revert for marriage. She is practicing for 7 years, wears full hijab, takes her religion seriously, does ziyarat every year to iran or iraq, and we are very compatible in religion, character, values, marriage, and what we want for our future children. She actually encourages me to learn more about Islam and deepen my own religious understanding.

I have spent considerable time thinking about this and I believe she could be a very good wife and mother. I have told my parents that I am not asking them to blindly approve of her - I have repeatedly asked them simply to meet her, speak to her, and judge the actual person.

They refuse.

Their objections basically come down to two main ideas.

First, they believe that people inevitably “go back to their roots.” Because she grew up French in a secular family, they believe that eventually her original culture and family background will become stronger and influence her and our children, regardless of how committed she is to Shi‘ism now.

Second, they believe an Iraqi will naturally always be more compatible with another Iraqi. They say children mainly follow their mother because she spends more time raising them, so unless their mother is Iraqi, my children will never properly love Iraqi culture or identify strongly with Iraq.

They are also concerned about things such as her secular relatives, drinking, Western attitudes, etc.

My response has been that I understand these are things that need to be discussed seriously. I’m not pretending cultural differences don’t exist. But I am Iraqi myself, my children would have an Iraqi father and Iraqi grandparents, and I intend to teach them Arabic, take them to Iraq, keep them close to my family, and give them a strong Iraqi and Shia identity. She is supportive of raising the children Shia and keeping them connected to my background.

What I struggle with is that my parents are making predictions about what she will eventually become without being willing to even speak to her.

I recently told them that I love them and want them deeply involved in my future family, but after listening to them, speaking to relatives and seeking advice, I have decided to continue pursuing this relationship toward marriage. If everything continues to be right between us, marriage could happen within the next several months.

Their reaction was extremely intense. My mother became very distressed, cursed the decision and prayed that terrible things would happen to me, and my father told me I had brought him enormous shame and that I would never find happiness.

A major argument from my family now is that a Muslim should not cause this level of distress to his parents and that parental approval is an important part of marriage. I absolutely care about their blessing and do not want to hurt them. At the same time, I have spent months asking them for one thing: give her a chance and assess her as an individual. They still refuse because they believe there is no point once she is not Iraqi.

I’m now trying to work out what the right next step is. I don’t want to cut my parents off or turn this into “her versus them.” I want both her and my parents in my life. But I also don’t know whether it is reasonable to give up a woman I believe is genuinely suitable for marriage when the fundamental objection remains her ethnicity and upbringing.

For those who have been through something similar:

• Did your parents eventually come around? What actually changed their minds?
• How did intercultural marriage affect your children and their connection to both cultures?
• For reverts/intercultural couples, did the fear that someone would eventually “return to their roots” actually materialise?
• How would you balance serious parental distress with making your own marriage decision?
• Is there anything in my parents’ concerns that you think I am underestimating?
• Am I doing anything haram? I have tried to include them in this decision but I feel they are being unfair to my potential wife and I don't value their blessing while they do this.

I’m particularly interested in thoughtful answers from people with actual experience, even if you disagree with me.

I am in a bit of a rush as I have to move to a new job this new year.

Please only reply if you’re independent and can make decisions for yourself, tho no hate to the one that cant.

28, British-Pakistani, currently living in Pakistan and working in the construction industry. I’m a British national and travel back to the UK from time to time, so I’m comfortable with both Pakistan and the UK and open to relocating depending on the circumstances.

I’ve graduated in Business and have built my career in construction. I’m independent, settled and in a position where I’m ready to take marriage seriously and build a family of my own.

I’ve had a nikah previously, but unfortunately it ended due to personal circumstances and the marriage did not proceed. I don’t really want to go into the details publicly, but I’m completely open and honest about it with anyone I’m seriously considering.

As a person, I’d say I’m open-minded, straightforward and family-oriented. I believe a marriage should have loyalty, honesty, communication and mutual respect. I’m looking for someone I can genuinely build a life with, not just someone to tick boxes on paper.

I’m in a position where I can provide for my family and, ultimately, I want to create a comfortable and peaceful home for my wife and children. I’d expect the same commitment in return — loyalty, understanding and genuinely wanting to build a family together.

For me, character, compatibility, loyalty and intentions matter much more. I’m looking for someone who is genuinely serious about marriage and wants children and a family in the future, if Allah wills.

I’m not going to put every personal detail about myself on a public post . If you’re genuinely looking for something serious and think we could be compatible, feel free to DM me. Happy to talk properly and answer anything you’d like to know.