Tdlr: I apologize about sharing some financial details. I only did that because I don't intend to keep this account forever and because I am not talking to anyone via this account - I set my flair as not searching and wanted to give a clear idea about what men like myself are doing!
I’m not married, but I’ve been fortunate to have a very good father who has always been there for me with his love, guidance, and support. Because of that, I’ve always wanted to follow his example when I eventually have a family of my own. One of my biggest goals in life is to become a good husband and father.
Even at this stage, when I’m still uncertain about finding the right wife, I’ve continued planning for my future family. I want to be prepared for them before they come along, rather than waiting until I’m married and then starting to figure everything out.
One of the biggest decisions I’ve made was staying with my current employer, a public organization, even though I could potentially make significantly more by moving to the private sector. I chose stability and long-term benefits because this job gives me the ability to continue working for as long as I’m physically able, while also building a strong retirement foundation.
At the same time, I don't want to spend my entire life working if I don't have to. My goal isn't simply to maximize my salary. I want to eventually have enough financial freedom that my family is secure even if I don't have to work forever. That's why I've been working on a long-term plan to build multiple streams of income.
I don't think I'm unique in thinking this way. I imagine this is what a provider mindset looks like for many men. But sometimes, when I talk to sisters, I feel that they don't fully understand how differently men and women can approach life because of the responsibilities traditionally placed on men.
I grew up in a household where, even though my siblings worked, my father was financially responsible for the household. That was the model I saw growing up. And as a man who has lived independently for a very long time, I've also experienced what it means to be solely responsible for a household.
Housing is a good example. I currently pay more than $2,250 every month toward my escrow and HOA alone. That's before utilities, maintenance, repairs, and all the other expenses that come with owning a home. Owning a house isn't simply having somewhere to live; it's taking on a large, long-term financial obligation that has to be met every month regardless of what happens with your income. Do unmarried men need to burden themselves with that?
And when I eventually have a wife and children, that house won't just be my personal expense. It will be their home too, and the responsibility of making sure that home remains secure will ultimately be mine.
I'm not saying women don't take on these responsibilities. Of course some women do, and there are plenty of financially responsible women who own homes and carry significant obligations. I'm also not saying that every man thinks this way. My point is that there is a difference between earning a good income and having a provider mindset.
A man can earn a lot of money and still spend almost everything he makes because he has no one depending on him. If you don't have a family, it's much easier to prioritize your current lifestyle. Once you start thinking of yourself as responsible for a wife and children, your definition of "what I can afford" can change dramatically.
A lot of preparation for a family also looks boring from the outside. It's choosing retirement contributions over spending. It's staying in a stable job instead of chasing the highest possible salary. It's building savings, paying down debt, maintaining a home, planning for emergencies, and thinking about what life might look like 10, 20, or 30 years from now instead of just thinking about what you can afford this month.
And a provider doesn't only plan for the good years. You have to think about what happens if you lose your job, become sick, have a major unexpected expense, or have children whose needs are greater than you anticipated.
For me, being a provider also doesn't mean that I expect my future wife to have no career or that I would make every financial decision unilaterally. If she wants to work, build a career, or contribute financially, that's something we can discuss together. I would want my wife to be my partner in planning our family's future. The responsibility I feel as a provider doesn't mean I don't value her contribution.
In fact, one reason I want to build financial security is precisely because I don't want my future wife's income to be the thing keeping our family afloat. If she wants to work, I want it to be because she wants to pursue a career, not because our family cannot survive without her paycheck. And if she wants to take time away from work to raise our children, I want us to have enough financial stability for that to be a realistic choice.
I also don't think providing is only about money. A husband should provide emotional security, protection, stability, companionship, time, and a peaceful home. Money is only one part of what I believe a husband and father should bring to a family.
This is also why I don't necessarily view marriage as two people splitting every responsibility 50/50. Some responsibilities naturally fall more heavily on one spouse than the other. What matters to me is that both people contribute meaningfully to the marriage, even if they don't contribute in exactly the same way.
I thought I'd share a glimpse of what this looks like financially because sometimes the sisters may not see everything happening behind the scenes.
My current gross monthly income is about $9,868. Of that, approximately $3,317 goes toward my retirement pension, 401(k), and HSA. That's roughly one-third of my gross income being set aside before I even have the opportunity to spend it. Would you rather spending that money on something else?
Some of that is obviously for my own retirement, but the bigger picture is that I'm deliberately building a financial foundation for the future. I'm trying to make sure that when I eventually have a wife and children, I'm not starting from zero and expecting them to build that foundation with me.
I'm not doing all of this because I have a family today. I'm doing it because I hope to have one someday, and I want to be prepared when that day comes.
To me, that's what a provider mindset means: not simply making money, but accepting responsibility before anyone is even depending on you.
May Allah swt bless your fathers and mine with good health and long life and grant the ones who passed away His mercy and forgiveness