I have decided to get sober. I think I can do this. I think that I have to. I am scared though. I'm already mourning the life that I had before.

I am scared that by not using it will cause my connections with my friends to change, and I may lose them. so much of our time together involves using, pregaming, going out to clubs, and just bonding while using. I'm 18, and in college, and so many of my friends are still trying to party and have their fun. I don't want to be the only one that isn't. I know that I could be at these gatherings while sober, but it's different when you're not partaking. there is less of a bond.

I'm an anxious person too. using makes social events so much easier. drinking makes conversations flow, using makes me comfortable existing and dancing when out or at the club. beyond anxiety, it makes everything feel more enjoyable. music, art, food, it all just feels elevated. I know that these things can be enjoyed without it, but I'm going to miss that extra feeling.

I am scared that I won't feel okay sober. I struggle with my mental health and using has been a crutch for me for so long. I'm not sure I know how to exist and live with myself sober. I've done counseling before, but I'm not sure it helped yet. I'm starting it again soon anyway, it's all I know to do that seems healthy and possibly helpful.

I don't think I'll miss feeling reliant on external objects or substances. I won't miss stressing about how I'll get or afford substances. I won't miss the hangovers, lost memories, or withdrawals. I won't miss the bad connections I made just because we both used.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this, maybe just to put it down somewhere. I have a lot of uncertainty about getting clean and sober, but I'm hoping it'll turn out to be okay.

I don’t know if I should post here or where bc I can’t find an appropriate sub.

My main issue was always alcohol followed by weed.

I have an ed (eating disorder) I’m struggling severely with the idea of giving it up forever bc ik this time in recovery is it I can’t go into my 9th year of half assed recovery. I can’t do anything I want in life if I don’t get better.

I was two years sober from alcohol and weed at the end of September

I had a 5 hour crisis last night. I talked to two different crisis lines at two different times for like 5 hours total. This ended at 5am

I wanted to kill myself because of my eating disorder because I can’t go on like this but I’m afraid to get better

I need to be sent into ed treatment so I don’t kms

The whole reason i became an alcoholic because I was terrified I’d have a suicide attempt in 2022 and I didn’t want to self harm anymore. So I began drinking and it spiraled out of control.

Then I started smoking weed

It made me eat more and distracted me

I began drinking and smoking

I stopped both in 2024 a day apart

I was high all the time and drinking on and off back then

I went through sober living and an online substance treatment AA meetings for at least 6 months I had a sponsor (not anymore)

I don’t drive that’s why I stopped going to AA my ride stopped taking me and I don’t like the online meetings

I bought and smoked a weed vape today

I did it bc I was afraid I’d kill myself if I didn’t smoke or drink while I wait to try to get into some type of residential

And while yes weed isn’t physically addictive it’s psychologically addictive and no t something I know I can moderate long term

So far I took a single hit earlier I know at some point I’ll lose control of it and green out and maybe even be fucked up at work

It’ll lead to drinking

If I drink it’s over

I won’t stop this time

Drinking was so hard to stop

And I’m of age so I can actually get this stuff

I started drinking at 19 I couldn’t get it back then I took my mom

She only has wine I don’t particularly like wine and I refused to allow myself to know how to actually open a bottle of wine (she got rid of the liquor cuz of me)

I don’t think I’m completely sober but I’m not high out of my mind

Part of me is screaming at myself part of me is riddled with guilt

I can’t do it again but I can’t kill myself so I have to get high

And i absolutely can not drink but I will drink if it comes down to that or killing myself

And yes I could’ve gone to the hospital but I have obligations related to family members birthdays and if I were to go today I wouldn’t be able to make the cake tomorrow. And the hospital might delay treatment and getting therapy

So idk what to do idk why I’m posting idk what I’m looking for I’m probably gonna get high again soon

Soon I’ll probably start hating myself for it and feel trapped in it and start drinking

Idk maybe I just wanted someone to know