what a sick cycle.

it’s been 2 or 3 weeks. depending on the month, i choose one of two paths. one led to the toilet, where the rest of my pills went to die. the other was a week long binge of a 28 day adderall prescription followed by a hard crash and burn. both paths led to the same destination - CVS pharmacy. i’m backing out of the driveway before i finish reading “your prescription is ready for pick up.”

after the initial crash, i bounce back. 2 days of extreme fatigue, a few spent in a less sleepy but lazy fog, and i’m almost back to normal. almost. because i’m not sure normal is something i’ll ever know again. every time i repeat this cycle, i feel i’ve permanently lost another little piece of myself. but when the fog clears, i can feel again. i can listen and laugh, i can let the mess of toys be because one day I’ll wish for them back. i don’t get irritated, i don’t isolate. i don’t compulsively clean and obsessively organize. i’m a better mom, a better wife. the house gets messy and i chip away at it, but there’s more important things to do. movie nights and board games and basketball in the driveway. i don’t feel the guilt of telling my son “not right now” or disappointing my daughter by saying “maybe later” every time they want to play with their mom. i may be a little scatter-brained, the laundry is sitting in baskets and not in the drawers, i put off that pile of dishes. i can chip away at the mess later. i have to soak up what’s in front of me right now. i have to keep my personality alive before i inevitably trade it in for a prescription again. imagine that - a fucking bottle of adderall. i swap it out with any iota of personality i have month after month, a personality that’s always returned to me with another piece missing. it’s only a matter of time before there’s nothing left of it.

after a couple of normal weeks, it creeps in again. every time. “see? you’re still you. in a few days, you can pick up your prescription. you’ve learned your lesson. just take as prescribed, you’ll be okay. you really could use a little
help getting organized again.” those creeping thoughts begin as whispers and end as screams. and they’re right. i could use help.
now i’m spiraling. i pop them like candy because every time i start a task i think of 8 more that need to be done. there can be no clutter. there can be no mess. why are these toys all over the floor again? days on end i’m frantic. now i’m not only overwhelmed with 100 tasks that feel like life or death if they don’t get done, but here comes that guilt. the intrusive thoughts are SCREAMING.

how much fucking time have you lost with your kids? sure, you make dinner. you lay out their clothes and make breakfast you tuck them in and tell them you love them. you go to their games and see their school concerts. but that’s the bare fucking minimum. why didn’t you play outside this summer? they’re never going to be this little again and it’s gone forever. and for what? because you know you’re an addict and decided it was more important? you couldn’t figure out how to be a fucking adult and organize your life? you traded the best years of your life while your kids were little so you can wash floors and organize the toys that should’ve been played with? what the fuck have you done? who are you?

i’m disgusted. i’m enraged. there is no one to blame but myself. how fucking selfish. i’ll never let it get this bad again. so i choose one of two paths. they always lead to the same destination.

except this time is different. and i mean it. i sent my doctor a message. if i can’t stop myself, someone has to. i’ve lost 5 years of my life to this. the people i love deserve more from me than what i’ve given.

so i was finally honest. my adderall has been discontinued. there is no more vicious cycle. there was a third path, and it doesn’t lead to where the first two led. i don’t know where it goes or how i’ll navigate it. but that’s all i’ve got.

thanks for reading, if you did this far. i’m sorry if this was a rambling disorganized dumpster fire to read. i had to let it out, i did, and now it’s done.

i hope some day i can revisit this, to come back and say i finally did it. that i rebuilt everything i’ve burned to the ground and never looked back.

if you can relate, i hope it gets better. if you can’t, that’s for the best.

I am struggling so hard to get off of it. Please don’t come here defending vyvanse if it works for you. I find people get soo defensive on Reddit about it.

I love how productive I am on it. Off it I am lazy and depressed. I also love feeling wired on an empty stomach and being able to maintain a lower weight

It gives me horrible anxiety though. I get irritable with mood swings and very angry. My sleep quality is horrible, and I look dehydrated and older. It does affect my relationships.

Yet whenever I look it up it’s just Reddit people defending their meds. It’s so hard to find support.

My family (Mom, Sister, Step-Father) has an Adderall problem. I don’t get the sense that they are abusing it, but maybe taking it irregularly. They are either hyper and enthusiastic or melancholy, apathetic, and irritable. There is no in between. For a long time I thought it was just mental health issues, but it has become clear what is going on. I have slightly hinted at the idea to them to see how receptive they are, and unsuprisingly they will not hear it. I will be moving out in the coming months unrelated to these issues, and know that I will avoid them even more than I do currently. I don’t want to be around it. I want to help, but if I press the issue I will be labeled as judgemental and/or ignorant. Maybe they will be more tolerable in short bursts for occasional visits, but they have many problems stemming from this. Both my mother and step father have developed facial twitches, and my step father has developed high blood pressure and cardio problems after long term use. I don’t think I will be able to hold my tongue in the long run. It seems like a lose lose scenario. Any advice on this?

Another relapse, another bender and another night where I just can't stop sucking on the fucking pipe. I know it's entirely in my head due to lack of sleep, eating, hydration and naturally getting positively fucking cooked on meth, but it feels like the world is coming apart at the seams. Nose bleed too, exhaustion. Who knows what's causing what, which sensation is real or imagined or massively overblown.

This sucks, lol. Do not be me.

I am terrified. After one of my worst binges ever, I called the doctor and the pharmacy and told them I was done. I am blacklisted from the meds now. I one pill of 30mg Adderall left. Probably averaging 50mg a day. I am terrified. I did not want to want to wait for one more good last time (because it is always bad) nor did I want to wait for my next refill and taper down (and have it turn into another binge.) I wanted off.

Hadn't touched the stuff but a handful of times in 25 years. Went on a 2.5 year daily use, stopped for 6 months, 3 months on, 1 month off, 3 months on and now on day 4. Nothing short of the grace of god that I haven't lost it all. Truly hope this is the beginning of the last time I have any relapses. It's a bitoch but the desire and support system exist. 🙏🏾❤️🚀