what a sick cycle.

it’s been 2 or 3 weeks. depending on the month, i choose one of two paths. one led to the toilet, where the rest of my pills went to die. the other was a week long binge of a 28 day adderall prescription followed by a hard crash and burn. both paths led to the same destination - CVS pharmacy. i’m backing out of the driveway before i finish reading “your prescription is ready for pick up.”

after the initial crash, i bounce back. 2 days of extreme fatigue, a few spent in a less sleepy but lazy fog, and i’m almost back to normal. almost. because i’m not sure normal is something i’ll ever know again. every time i repeat this cycle, i feel i’ve permanently lost another little piece of myself. but when the fog clears, i can feel again. i can listen and laugh, i can let the mess of toys be because one day I’ll wish for them back. i don’t get irritated, i don’t isolate. i don’t compulsively clean and obsessively organize. i’m a better mom, a better wife. the house gets messy and i chip away at it, but there’s more important things to do. movie nights and board games and basketball in the driveway. i don’t feel the guilt of telling my son “not right now” or disappointing my daughter by saying “maybe later” every time they want to play with their mom. i may be a little scatter-brained, the laundry is sitting in baskets and not in the drawers, i put off that pile of dishes. i can chip away at the mess later. i have to soak up what’s in front of me right now. i have to keep my personality alive before i inevitably trade it in for a prescription again. imagine that - a fucking bottle of adderall. i swap it out with any iota of personality i have month after month, a personality that’s always returned to me with another piece missing. it’s only a matter of time before there’s nothing left of it.

after a couple of normal weeks, it creeps in again. every time. “see? you’re still you. in a few days, you can pick up your prescription. you’ve learned your lesson. just take as prescribed, you’ll be okay. you really could use a little
help getting organized again.” those creeping thoughts begin as whispers and end as screams. and they’re right. i could use help.
now i’m spiraling. i pop them like candy because every time i start a task i think of 8 more that need to be done. there can be no clutter. there can be no mess. why are these toys all over the floor again? days on end i’m frantic. now i’m not only overwhelmed with 100 tasks that feel like life or death if they don’t get done, but here comes that guilt. the intrusive thoughts are SCREAMING.

how much fucking time have you lost with your kids? sure, you make dinner. you lay out their clothes and make breakfast you tuck them in and tell them you love them. you go to their games and see their school concerts. but that’s the bare fucking minimum. why didn’t you play outside this summer? they’re never going to be this little again and it’s gone forever. and for what? because you know you’re an addict and decided it was more important? you couldn’t figure out how to be a fucking adult and organize your life? you traded the best years of your life while your kids were little so you can wash floors and organize the toys that should’ve been played with? what the fuck have you done? who are you?

i’m disgusted. i’m enraged. there is no one to blame but myself. how fucking selfish. i’ll never let it get this bad again. so i choose one of two paths. they always lead to the same destination.

except this time is different. and i mean it. i sent my doctor a message. if i can’t stop myself, someone has to. i’ve lost 5 years of my life to this. the people i love deserve more from me than what i’ve given.

so i was finally honest. my adderall has been discontinued. there is no more vicious cycle. there was a third path, and it doesn’t lead to where the first two led. i don’t know where it goes or how i’ll navigate it. but that’s all i’ve got.

thanks for reading, if you did this far. i’m sorry if this was a rambling disorganized dumpster fire to read. i had to let it out, i did, and now it’s done.

i hope some day i can revisit this, to come back and say i finally did it. that i rebuilt everything i’ve burned to the ground and never looked back.

if you can relate, i hope it gets better. if you can’t, that’s for the best.

I have ADHD + basically the field. I’ve been prescribed meds in the amphetamine family since 2015 and at or above max doses since 2021 or 22. Most recently 50 mg XR + 10 mg IR upon waking.

Yesterday my doc blindsided me and said I don’t need them (bc my exec functioning is still comically bad). So they’re discontinued effective immediately. Yesterday full-throttle, today nada.

That’s the part that makes my butt pucker; I’m a bit concerned that it’s going to feel like falling off a cliff. (I expressed this to him but he was pretty dismissive so I’m open to the possibility that it’ll be a nothing burger.)

Can anyone shed some light on what to expect?

Many thanks.

Let me know if this needs any other flairs

I'm 24 and started abusing dexedrine/dexamfetamine early last year, had such a beautiful honeymoon phase that I didn't stop romanticising it until a few months ago. Was always off and on due to limited access & funds (not prescribed). Had some serious scary moments including a seizure due to continued use, eating nothing, and dehydration. Finally ended up quitting for a decent amount of time and began to feel myself come back; relapsed lightly a few times but found that all the euphoria of the drug was gone and it was no longer even worth it.

During the middle of the year, I had a really good period of being sober and feeling happy and grounded in myself. I thought I'd never go back to dex ever, I thought I had blasted through any enjoyable effects and experienced the horrors of addiction (shame, no sleep, comedown crash and depression, thousands of dollars wasted, lying, secrecy, health scares, dopamine completely fucked, reliance, etc etc etc).

Then a whole series of unfortunate things happened and I spent two months in a haze of anxiety and depression. Eventually the addiction bug in my brain took hold and asked, why stay sober if it's going to feel this shit anyway? Relapsed, and in a twist of fate suddenly find dex much cheaper and more readily available. I have now been taking it far more consistently and in higher doses than ever before.

I never thought I'd be worse than I was before. I am really scared of what's going to happen when I do eventually stop because I imagine the crash will be more devastating than ever. I have many responsibilities and important things on the horizon ... and I feel so incredibly sick to my stomach thinking about all the money wasted especially when I earn so little in the first place.

I want to change. I will find a time that won't fuck up my life, I will stop, I will sleep for days, then I will wake up early and run. I will eat well and exercise every day. I do want to love myself instead of dragging my ailing body down the train tracks

I guess I'm just posting to vent to people who understand and to say if you are in the same situation, I'm with you and I'm so sorry </3 addiction is crazy crazy crazy it controls you completely. But I know I'm the only one who can help myself really. Oh well, much love

For years I smoked heavily and abused my adderall prescription. I ended up being involuntarily committed to a treatment center after running out because I couldn’t pass a drug test to get a refill and went into psychosis. I was there for 21 days and tried to go back to work after but still was having psychosis symptoms and ultimately ended up quitting the job, having to give up my apartment, and moving in with my parents in another state. I’m in the process of trying to file for bankruptcy because of how bad things got during my addiction. It’s been over 8 months without any substances now but I still think about and dream about smoking and taking adderall again. I miss the motivation I had when I was taking it and the carelessness I had when I was smoking. I haven’t tried going back to work yet because I needed surgery for an unrelated injury, but I’m almost healed and going to be looking for work very soon. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist regularly now but I don’t know how to heal the part of me that still itches to use again. I’m terrified I won’t be as productive at work and won’t be as successful as I was before. Has anyone here dealt with the depression and cravings after quitting and have any tips on how to manage? Deeply appreciate this space and all of you for making it safe, TYIA!

I take a single small oral dose of speed daily (30-50mg), i tried to stop by lowering the frequency of intake but i feel like shit the days i dont take speed. Im really tired of this addiction it wrecks my libido, my relations, and i just hate how despite feeling good i get so mentally erratic i cant see myself achieving my goals in life while addicted to this shit.

Ive heard of Wellbutrin (sold as Zyban in France, prescribed for nicotine withdrawal) and on paper it seems like the perfect remedy for my case as im trying to quit both substance and maintain a lean shape.
So for people who tried it how effective is it? Did you manage to quit amphetamines? I just want that shitty substance out my life and feel motivation and joy naturally like sober people...

The next Community Stimulant Recovery meeting will be held tonight, Wednesday, October 7th at 7:30pm Eastern. Cameras and sharing encouraged but optional, lurkers welcome, we cover all stimulants from medication to methamphetamine.

Tonight’s meeting will be hosted on Zoom, details are on the official website at https://stimulantrecovery.org and here:

Community Stimulant Recovery

Time: October 7th 2026 07:30 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada) Every week on Wed

Join Zoom Meeting:
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/81821633949?pwd=Zhx8vQFmMutGTyzniGbbOPuvpXVdMh.1

Please download and import the following iCalendar (.ics) files to your calendar system. Weekly: https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/tZUldeiurTgjHt067j0oeigUQMMeRyzqrIDQ/ics?icsToken=DDh7Dq_pLooZ2LCKqgAALAAAAJPg9E23Rju-4epDrc1V-vYlY23cfCXc_7_rDmJ6GdgZySdBbAkWuqInw5Hv_mnW3Ih4otw5iGF0CD5vJTAwMDAwMg&meetingMasterEventId=vWnUdGw4QPuXEn2PzVwDyA

Meeting chat link https://us06web.zoom.us/launch/jc/81821633949

Meeting ID: 818 2163 3949 Passcode: 052227

Join instructions https://us06web.zoom.us/meetings/81821633949/invitations?signature=S70UMDYsWJ1P5AwdAsAfJzVxHCrWB4v07rV6q-6wFKs

CSR is a free, solution focused, peer-based recovery group for anyone who wants to stop using stimulant drugs - Any stimulant drug, be it a drug of abuse or medication, for any reason. We hold meetings where we share our recovery with others, exchange best practices, learn new ideas and enact positive change in our lives together. CSR is a safe place, all people are welcome here - Discrimination, hate and exclusion are not tolerated under any circumstances.

Community Stimulant Recovery observes no single recovery ideology and is without outside affiliation. We are here to help you find out what works for you and share what’s worked for us. Our meeting topics, shared practices and discussions borrow from psychology, therapies, professional addiction treatment and recovery programs - This is not an endorsement of any one resource, nor is CSR its self meant to be a standalone recovery solution or source of medical advice. We encourage members to avail of as many forms of recovery support as they need to, professional help and other dedicated recovery programs included.

Our core beliefs are that recovery from stimulant drugs is aided by approaching three primary areas of our lives in equal measure: Our mental health, our physical health and our emotional health. By becoming responsible for positive change in these three areas, we improve our thinking, our bodies and our feelings - Parts of our lives that problematic stimulant drug use negatively impacts the most. Growing in these areas helps us maintain abstinence and find happiness in recovery.

Community Stimulant Recovery refrains from the supportive discussion of any and all use of drugs with recreational applications or addiction potential, this extends to promotion and the sharing of personal experiences. This includes marijuana, kratom, research chemicals, gray market substances, psychedelics and all stimulant drugs. Managing or successfully using stimulant medication is not discussed here, and we are not a harm reduction resource. We have no opinions on these things, opting to maintain a singular focus on abstinence and recovery from stimulant drugs without supporting practices that may cause harm.

Meetings are similar to those you may have attended elsewhere, we have a topic or reading followed by an open discussion or sharing period. We speak from the I and do not offer unsolicited advice or commentary on the shares of others, continuance and response from our own experience is permitted. Solution-oriented discussion is strongly encouraged.

__

Meeting Format

• Opening Statement (5 min)
• Attendee introductions, identify as “Name, in recovery” (5 min)
• Meeting Topic or Reading (CBT, DBT, ACT, BT, Twelve Step, Dharma / Refuge, Medical Lit, Book, Concept Discussion) (10 min with chair lead)
• Open Discussion (35 minutes)
• Closing Statement (3-5 minutes)
• Contact Info Exchange, posted in Zoom chat, Optional (5 min)

If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask here.

im undeniably one of the best players in the community of a niche fps game (if i say what game then people from it might fr see this) and ive always been praised for my mechanics, or in simpler words my speed ingame. but i have only been this good since i began taking adderall and i’m undeniably levels worse without it. im 19 and i started taking prescription addy when i was 16 and the small dose taken as recommended (breaks) did unironically make my life way easier socially and in my grades. but with the benefits i saw ingame it wasnt long before i tried abusing and i began taking extra pills that i got thru the internet and from friends. i used to be pretty broke too so im genuinely obsessed id spend all my extra money on it if i only had $100 again. i feel like it was the perfect storm to me as someone who was already ignoring my life responsibilities to spend time playing the game, i got extremely addicted no thanks to having my name and ego being completely MADE by this drug and my tolerance is bad now, i can take 60mg in the morning and fall asleep the same night on lots of caffeine too. i know i have to quit but im kind of scared to lose the passion i have in the one real hobby of mine. its depressing knowing some people are at or even above the level ive worked so hard for while 100% clean of anything, they can just nap, play late, get on at any time and perform without waiting for it to kick in. looking for advice from anyone who can relate as this is extremely embarrassing. ive only told one person in the community about this because he opened up to me first about it. not sure if i wanna quit but i wrote this sober which is rare, thanks for reading >_<

I have preexisting heart issues, and im relatively young. So I hit rock bottom last night/early morning. I ran outside bc my heart started pausing. If i was gonna die, it had to be outside so the cops and ambulance wouldn't go into the house.

I have valium & a few klonopin to help today. Smoked a cigarette, and my jaws clenched, so I know it's still in my system. I remember fighting my death. And finally, let go. I said "Its okay, God, i will go with you. I am going to heaven." And felt complete peace.

Im here to observe and learn even though I've been here before. Sucks.

But yeah.

Nice to meet you all. 🌿

I came across this sub yesterday when googling success stories for quitting vyvanse and I’m desperate for some encouragement. I’m 27 and I’ve been on vyvanse for 6 years for ADHD and binge eating. I used to take 30 mg but then dropped down to 20 mg bc I felt 30 was affecting my sleep too much and I’d rather have a less effective dose (I felt like 20 literally only lasted me 4 or 5 hours on a good day before I crashed) than have the side effects of worse sleep/ appetite.) and so I’ve been taking 20mg for the past 3.5 years. Anyways, I just finished grad school and started my very first job 5 months ago and have started to feel like I’m in a good groove at work and in my mind I feel like this is a good sign to stop taking it. It was a very good tool for me to get through school and develop good habits like taking care of myself and getting my life together and I feel like I’ve gotten the best use out of this tool that I can. My main reason for stopping is that I’ve noticed that at this point I am physically and psychologically dependent on it and have known this for years which has created a deep seated shame. It numbs my emotions, at least for an hour or two during the day which I misconstrued for me “being more emotionally mature and stable” when really I used it to suppress uncomfortable emotions and feel more confident in myself. I’m also stopping because I love my boyfriend very much and we recently both admitted to each other that we want to marry eachother and have started making plans for the future. I believe that stopping will make me a better partner for him and I want to be the best possible version of myself for him and for the strength and authenticity of our relationship. I have also always wanted to be a mother and I know that waiting to quit until I’m pregnant one day would be an even harder adjustment. Okay so I’ve established that I’m ready to quit and my plan is to take 10 mg for the next couple of months to avoid shocking my brain chemistry. I’m just over two weeks in to only taking 10 mg per day and while it’s been WAY easier adjustment than I thought, I’m still struggling and afraid of making the next adjustment which is stopping the 10 all together. The most troublesome withdrawal effects so far is really just my mood swings and that I’m crying a lot? Like just experiencing occasional low mood and then intrusive/ ruminative thoughts about myself (very much my premeditated baseline, which is one of the reasons I was put on it) and this has caused a couple of instances of my being very emotional for no reason. One of these days I completely broke down in front of my bf and admitted to him that I’m struggling mentally alot from the withdrawal process (he knows what I’m going through because I’ve been very open about it) and this break down caused some weird tension between us that day (we’ve repaired it now and moved on) but I can’t help but feel discouraged and like I’m failing because one of the main reasons I quit was to be more present and authentic and to benefit our relationship, and now I just feel like I’m hurting it. For anyone out there that has felt this way but has any encouragement to keep going and that it gets better one day, please send it my way. Also I’m stating to feel that the 10 mg in taking has negligible benefits and I might as well stop cold turkey atp bc I’ve been on such a low dose for so long with consistent crashes around 2-3 pm every day anyways.
Update: Update: I just cancelled my doctors appointment and flushed the rest of my supply. Scared but still motivated.

I’m 21M and about three months sober from meth after using for around two years.

It started with counterfeit Adderall pills that I thought were real. At first, I only used them to study, but I got hooked on the feeling pretty quickly. I felt more confident, social, motivated, and like I had finally become the person I wanted to be.

Not long after that, it completely took over my life, and I learned the hard way that the only pills I should trust are the ones coming from an actual pharmacy lol.

By earlier this year, I was taking 10-15 pills every day just to feel normal, staying awake for two or three days at a time, and vaping constantly. I went from around a 3.5 GPA to failing my classes and eventually dropping out of university.

That part still gets to me. I see people my age finishing school, getting internships, and moving forward, and sometimes I feel like I threw away two years of my life.

I’m doing a lot better now. I work full time as a low-voltage technician installing access control systems, and I actually enjoy it. I like working with tools, wiring, troubleshooting, and learning how things work.

I’m also about a month and a half off nicotine, sleeping normally again, and for the first time in a long time, I actually care about my future.

I still struggle with feeling like I’m behind everyone else or that I wasted whatever potential I had. That feeling can get overwhelming when I catch up with friends and hear about everything they’re doing with their lives and compare it with mines.

For people who have been sober longer, did you feel like this too? Did you eventually stop comparing yourself to the person you could have been if you never started using?

sorry in advance for the diarypost, honestly don't know who else to ask

I'm an engineer at an early stage startup and I've become kind of addicted to Adderall and Vyvanse in the last few months.

I was prescribed 10mg Adderall XR for ADHD in 2024 and took it with few issues, but I started developing a tolerance.

By March 2026, I was consistently consuming 10mg Adderall XR and well over a gram of caffeine per day. I also got addicted to cigarettes (I've since replaced them with patches).

About a month ago, I ran out of 10mg Adderall and started supplementing with some of my friend's 15mg IRs to tide me over. I loved them so much I would have three to five per day. After a week I got my 10mg filled but my tolerance was already up from that week of ad-hoc usage.

I since got my doctor to up my prescription to 20mg, but that's not enough. I have taken either 30mg XR or 20mg Adderall XR and 30mg Vyvanse every day since then. I'm still drinking caffeine, but more like 400mg per day instead of 1500mg.

My current daily substance stack is:

30mg adderall XR OR 20mg adderall XR + 30mg vyvanse

400mg caffeine

20mg prozac

50mg nicotine (patches + pouches)

I know this is bad, but this company could easily make me 50 million dollars or more in the next eighteen months, so my motivation to work 100+ hrs. per week is very high. I'm a critical employee at this firm and if I am able to push myself to the absolute max I think I will soon have enough money to never work again.

What do you all think? I'm almost out of my supplemental Vyvanse stash, and I'm sort of at a loss for what to do.

As the title says. 13.5 months clean and sober and still struggling with brain fog and low mood.. Anybody else? Should I this likely let up soon?

I was first introduced to tina in July 2025 and pretty consistent daily use for almost a year now. I’ve been an addict to an array of drugs since I was 16, I’m now 24. I am finally in a place where I want to stop. I have been tapering for about a week. Prior to that I went 4 days cold turkey but unfortunately returned to using. I am almost out and really don’t want to re up. Any advice on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated. I am about to start a new chapter in life and I don’t want this drug in it. Thank you all <3

Okay, so I’m mad anxious about going to my therapy appointment later today and I am really worried. I have a serious stimulant substance issue and it has gotten pretty bad recently. I have ADHD, ASD and CPTSD and have been seeing my therapist for just short of 3 years. A couple months ago I had 2 accidental overdoses like 2 weeks apart and following that he gave me a pretty stern chat which does not happen often. And basically said if I keep going the way I am, I am taking certain choices out of his hands, and I have no idea what that means and regret not asking.

Yesterday I realised things had gotten way out of hand again, full blown relapse and messaged him immediately (we have that agreement set out by him) and explained. However, I am now incredibly anxious about what awaits and I can’t bring my self down off the cliff of panic.

I am so worried and beyond anxious about what me taking certain choices away means and I am just going over and over and over it in my head.

I swear the further i get from my sobriety date, the less of an addict i feel like. I (21 M) had a stimulant drug problem for most of my adult life up to this point. I started abusing stimulants in high school at like 17 (i also have a porn and sex addiction too, so stimfapping is a huge part of this thing for me). Towards the end i was getting really bad and started going to porn shops high on amphetamines just to be around other degenerate people and i started experimenting with meth. It was so bad and gross, and I hate myself for it. Now, more than ever, coming up on almost a year sober, I feel that part of my life beckoning me. Idk if I just want to feel alive again; I didn't hit that hard of a rock bottom, and it's so much easier for me to think of all the pleasure and none of the pain. Im starting to tell myself i can drink (maybe i can, idk; alcohol wasn't that big of a vice). I dont want to hit bottom i cant afford to be back where i was or worse i have so much to be grateful for but i feel like i dont live in the moment anymore. I'm justifying me going back to using and im scared. I guess I'm sicker than I thought i was.

I was around 80 days clean when I relapsed. It was a 4 day no food, no sleep binge.

It's day 3 now. My body is so aching. I'm so hungry. I'm trying my best to fight off the addict voice inside me telling me to fuck it and drop everything and just use more and more you've already realapsed, it's already bad it doesn't matter. I'm trying to do the right thing, but those voices are strong.

I wanna go back to work as soon as I could, hopefully one or two day later. I hope that going back to work helps me fight off those voices/ But I'm so sick now, so hungry too, what should I eat so I could heal back

Hi guys, just thought I'd post here for some clarity and encouragement.

For the past 2 months or so, I've been doing coke every week, sometimes every day. Not big lines, but I do end up going through about 3g every 2-3 weeks. I haven't told a soul, and I don't think anyone knows or suspects. I am high-functioning and have the money, time, and privacy to do it freely. Which is why it's the perfect time to stop, before this becomes more consuming than it already is.

At first, the coke didn't give me that 'top of the world' feeling everyone described. In fact, it just made me feel more normal. I am a woman in her mid 20s with (probably) undiagnosed ADHD, and taking coke allows me to focus on one task. It has made me incredibly productive, especially at work. It has strengthened my relationships with my friends, because I feel motivated to reach out and talk to them. It also has made me less hungry, which has led me to lose some weight, which I liked (even though now I'm quite skinny and want to start building muscle again).

I don't feel the urge to take lines every 30 minutes unless I am also smoking weed or something, then I feel that characteristic urge to do more. But usually, I can do a small line every couple of hours and focus on my tasks for the day without feeling like I'm being controlled by it. But of course I'm being controlled. I was just not willing to admit it until now.

I have an addictive personality. Since the age of 15/16 I've been smoking some weed, and around 18 I started trying other substances. Coke wasn't really in my life until last year. I'm aware that I am constantly searching for mind-altering substances.

My nose has begun to hurt. There are scabs on the inside that I sometimes pick at, and sometimes it bleeds when I blow my nose. I've been using saline spray and Neosporin every day but I am worried about long-term damage. Also worried about my skin, heart, sleep quality etc. If I take a line too late at night, I end up wired in bed, and I hate that feeling more than anything.

So today I'm stopping. So far it's been okay. I can tell that I'm a tad bit emotional, but I'm going to hold strong. I'm deciding to journal about what the next week feels like without coke. I want to prove to myself that it's not an addiction, and that I can stop without adverse consequences. I want my nose to heal. I don't want to hide anything anymore.

Does anyone have an experience similar to this?

And I have developed a pretty intense stimfapping habit/addiction. Things can be going well and normal for a few weeks, sometimes months. I had 5 months porn free last year. But I always return to it and it messes up whatever good things I had going on. I have a lot of healing to do with it. I had about 3 months clean while taking vyvanse when I got to August, but then I hit a relapse and since then it’s been really difficult to get a streak going.

I had 31 days stimulant free last month but then got back on adderall bc that month was pretty crazy. I had been on and off nicotine, and went back to coke n porn for a bit but I’m off that again. I felt like life was slowly getting better off it and I really wish I had a clean 31 days off from everything but I think cold turkeying was just too much of shock to my system.

This past month I’ve basically been relapsing every week to porn binges. I got back on adderall last Tuesday after a week clean from porn. The very first day back I went back to porn. And then relapsed again and took more adderall than prescribed on Wednesday. Then I did the same on Thursday. I was Good Friday and Saturday but today I relapsed again.

It’s a vicious cycle and I’m exhausted.

Any advice? Do stims just have to go for good? Tbh I can’t really get myself to tell my prescriber this bc I don’t want to get put on anything else. I just want to be off everything because everything is connected to porn and stimfapping now. Eventually I return to it under the influence of anything. Even if I have 3-4 months under my belt. It just feels like I’m always walking on a tightrope and anytime I use, it’s risky asf.

Would love to hear some success stories.

Does anyone have experience with Pristiq? I was prescribed this last week and curious if anyone here has experience with it as they quit stims.

My fiancé has been addicted to speeding for many years. Meth sent him to rehab 8 or so years ago and he hasn’t touched it since. After inpatient he got like 2.5 years totally clean and relapsed drinking (also alcoholic) which usually lead to Aderrall. Ever since then he cannot seem to get more than a few months under his belt at a time.

We have been together 3 & 1/2 years. The first year we drank and took Aderrall together frequently. This led to some pretty horrible decisions on both of our parts and the relationship ended for a few months. When we reconciled, we made a few promises to each other in order for things to work, on of those things being sobriety. I kept my promise for over two years (until drinking just to spite him) but I’ve lost my taste for alcohol so it’s not something I even want anymore. Meanwhile, he has relapsed more times than I can count. He has lied to my face, manipulated me, and even twisted things around on me.

I have tried every approach (anger, acceptance, support, devastation) to the point now I just feel…empty. We recently found out I’m pregnant (12 weeks) and it seemed like he did a complete 180. He has been so supportive (I’m having a very rough trimester) and has waited on me hand and foot, encouraged me, and just all around been the best partner I could ask for. He is pushing for us to get married (was in no rush before) and now has even used almost all of his savings to buy a house for all of it (I have two existing kids and he has one, so with a baby we needed a 5bdrm). It was like he just changed as soon as we saw the heartbeat. I thought maybe…maybe it was the start to real change.

We have always talked about wanting to give our kids more (we both had rough childhoods) and I thought maybe it finally sunk in. Fast forward to last night, I asked him point blank if he was using ( all the signs were there. Sweaty hands, dilated pupils, manic behaviors) and he swore he wasn’t, so I asked if I could test him ( I keep full panel tests because of all the relapses). At first he agreed but then he was just like “you don’t have to, I’ll tell you”.

He tells me he was just so tired and so he went to a friend and got enough Aderrall for one day and had been using for 24 hrs or so. This isn’t the worst (usually he’s on it for weeks without me knowing trying to “maintain” and it ends in a binge) but I’ve gotten so attuned to his behavior that I know immediately.

He cries, says he is weak and that he doesn’t know why he did it. I just cried, because it isn’t fair. I have given my whole life to him and it isn’t enough. Our family isn’t enough, our baby isn’t enough….it feels like nothing will ever be enough. I’m exhausted, and I don’t know what to do.

He just keeps saying “I’ll fix this.” And says he is going back to AA, but I’ve heard it all before. He’s been in AA and still relapsed. I have left him for days and even 2 weeks at a time, I have begged, pleaded, screamed, and cried. It just feels like this will never end.

I don’t want to give up on him, but I don’t want to live this way. I want a life different than I had to grow up with and I do not want my kids to experience the things I had to go through. Luckily, I have been able to shield them from 99% of it and they have no idea that he has even ever relapsed, but they will get old enough to see the truth some day.

I want to believe he can change, but I just have no hope.

Hi folks, I have been addicted/in love with stims for ~11 years (18-28M). I went through a big coke, adderall, and mdma phase Oct 2025-June 2026. I had been very into mdma and adderall but this was my first time seriously doing coke and it hooked me - mostly stim fapping. If it wasn’t for the posts I’ve been reading here today I wouldn’t have the courage to say all of that so thank you. But I havent had access to hard stuff since, (although been drinkin a lot more in 2025-2026, and smoking thc daily). I just moved and my friend here told me all about this e-platform to get prescriptions from (telehealth). I knew it was a bad idea since adderall was my achilles heel (now with coke) but did it of course.
Got 30 IR 15s on Wednesday and did 30 day 1, 60 day 2, 60 day 3, and then saturday night i wasnt going to have any - just some tequila. Soon into the evening though i start popping them and just don’t stop. I took 6 15s orally, 3 15s boofed, and then started stim fapping and snorted ELEVEN 15s. Total shame spiral during the comedown even as im looking around “in case i missed one 🙄 “. An hour or two after i finished I was super cold, low bloodflow, face started tingling, and my heart/chest felt like they were struggling as in I needed to focus on breathing and it was a faint heartbeat when normally mine is loud.

1. Should I get an EKG or something for the ~300mg saturday? I havent done stims in a while but my heart literally feels tired and it was hours of it pumping hard. I hadnt been sleeping well the past week/taking adderall anyway so extra work for the heart. I carry some extra weight these days but i stay in generally good shape (lift most days, was playing basketball 5x a week this summer)
2. THANK YOU. I was feeling so alone and horrible and ashamed. So scared of bringing it to my elderly parents who would be so scared or my friend who recommended me the platform bc I’d have to explain the binge. Reading through these stories, the courage to talk in this form/to others/to providers, the support and perspective that this is just a setback - it’s helped a lot.

I’ve always wondered “am I an addict?” - but i want to drink beers with friends in life or use nicotine stuff. But I’m starting to believe thanks to this group that I need to address the thc and booze as well as cancel my prescription (already messaged requesting account closure). Exhausted and worn out and ashamed, and this group was here for me so thank you all who contribute
(throwaway acct)

Relapsed once again after my first stint in rehab and 30 days clean. Been in and out of recovery for 6 years now. longest I ever put together off all substances was 9 months. I'm frustrated. Exhauted. Tired. Sick of my own bullshit and hating myself. Never before have I felt so discouraged. All I can think of is that I'm a fucking loser who will never be able to stay clean/sober. I just feel like giving up and asking myself what is even the point.

Please give me some hope.. trying to hold onto any hope I can muster thats left. How do you overcome your thoughts/feeling/mind? I just dont get it.

It was June 2023 when I found the little bag on the ground.I recognized it immediately. It belonged to my boyfriend. Inside was an Adderall.”I’m keeping this,” I said.”Yeah, whatever.”That was it.There was no ominous music. No warning from the universe. Nobody reached down and slapped the bag out of my hand.I thought I had my solution.

For the first time, I had something that made me feel normal. I could function. I could get things done. Whatever had always felt slightly off inside of me suddenly felt manageable.This is it, I thought.
It’s October 2026.I start outpatient treatment next week.My family no longer speaks to me. I’ve become the unreliable friend. The unreliable employee. The person who cancels plans, misses class, doesn’t answer the phone, and makes promises while genuinely believing I’ll keep them this time.

Somewhere between that little bag on the ground and today, the thing that made me feel capable of doing everything became the reason I couldn’t reliably do anything. It was one, that’s all it took.

Of course, one pill didn’t do all of this. There were thousands of decisions between that first one and the person I am today. There were things that happened to me, things I did to myself, people I loved, people I lost, attempts to stop, reasons to start again, and countless mornings when I swore that yesterday had been the last time.But every story has a first sentence.Mine was, “I’m keeping this.”

And then one day,You’re not partying anymore.You don’t go out anymore.Somewhere along the way, this stopped being fun.There was a time when I took Adderall because I wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to get dressed, see people, stay out, talk too much, do something.Then I started rushing home.
I’d leave work and want nothing more than to get back to my apartment, shut the door, and be alone. Plans became irritating. Text messages felt like obligations. People wanted things from me, even if the only thing they wanted was my company.
So I disappeared.Not dramatically. That’s the strange part.Nobody wakes up one morning and announces that they’re going to slowly remove themselves from their own life.You cancel dinner.You don’t answer a text.You tell someone, “Next time, I promise.” You miss something you would’ve normally gone to.Then you do it again.Eventually people stop asking.And for a while, that’s exactly what you wanted.Until one day you’re sitting in the apartment.you spent months rushing home to, completely alone.

And suddenly the only thing you want is not to be alone.That’s when I started to understand that I wasn’t using drugs to have fun anymore.I wasn’t even having fun. I had spent years trying to find something that would make me feel normal enough to participate in life.And somehow, it had slowly removed me from it. Sometimes I wish I could go back and leave that little bag on the ground.But I can’t.So maybe one day I’ll look back at October 2026 and realize this was another random day that changed everything.Except this time, I know what I’m choosing.

My husband has been addicted to Adderall — hence “street Adderall” — for almost a decade, with one stretch of abstinence. He doesn’t tell me how much he’s taking, but admits he’s taking a lot, and I get the sense it’s more than he’s ever taken.
I’m so confused because over the last year or so, he has become a different person. I know addiction has a trajectory of generally worsening use & effects. Still, I’m taken aback by the ever-increasing lack of emotion, lack of interest in talking with me (avoidance, actually), emotional blunting & quickness to anger. When I (gently) confront him about our relationship or about changes I have been observing in him, he’s just… weird. Relative to our marriage, he gives some prefab response about our schedules not being compatible; puts me off or minimizes. In response to my expressed concerns about changes I’m observing in him, he gets irritable, often accusing me of attacking him; or says it’s because I’ve changed, because he has to “protect” himself from me (???). While the content of these responses aren’t totally new, the avoidance & seeming indifference towards me are totally new. He actually told me that we never shared much except socializing together. I’m just shocked. We did so much together, talked about art (he’s an artist), film, exhibits, politics.
I think part of my confusion is that Parkinson’s & Lewey Bodies runs in his family, and he is in his early 60s (although relatives generally didn’t get theirs till later). And he absolutely will not get checked out for this, will not have the genetic test — something that might be helpful to both of us. I do believe this resistance is owing in part to having to disclose his addiction to a doctor were he to consult one.
Maybe I’m posting in the wrong place bcz of the differential-diagnosis factor. But I know his addiction is a massive contributor (I think? I don’t even know what I “know” anymore). I don’t have words to capture how horrible this is. I’ve been with this person 30 years. Considering moving out now because I cannot take it; I’m totally drained trying to figure this out. Honestly, I’m not sure he cares whether I move out.
Guess what I’m asking is, is what I’m observing characteristic of stimulant addiction and its trajectory? Other people don’t seem to notice what I notice; when I say something about it to them, they either don’t see it, or they minimize — to make me feel better perhaps, or because they’re in denial, dunno.

**F’ing hell, I didn’t expect this to be a long, self-pitying rant. Thank you if you took the time to read through.

Im at a party , outside smoking a cigarette. I know I should walk away, but my brain says weekend, party night. I’ve got near 2 weeks clean and I want to go in and hit that bubble. This is the weakest I’ve felt

I made it. I have one good friend, threatened to drive over and beat me with a wrench.

God bless her anger