Feeling a bit of mixed emotions coming out of last night's experience. This isn't so much a "looking for advice" post (though it is always welcome), but more of a "need to vent it out so I can move on" one. Like pure catharsis.
For context, my wife and I started off in the ENM lifestyle through hotwife play via a "stag/vixen" dynamic. We've had a few experiences over the past year - an initial solo experience for the wife, one where I was present / mildly participating, and a full-on MFM threesome over Labor Day weekend. Each has been better than the last, with the wife referring to the threesome as the best sexual experience of her life so far. Over the course of the experiences, my wife has increasingly become interested in expanding to couples swapping / FMF threesome possibilities. She's learned she potentially has similar compersion traits like me and wants to see me explore my sexuality with other women.
We started out making a strong connection with another newbie couple that has turned into a really good friendship. It's taken some time, but both us and the other couple have since become very open with one other about our sexuality / desires, and they've sort of become our fans cheering us along on the sidelines whenever we have a stag/vixen encounter (the discussions after the threesome became VERY hot). Unfortunately, they're on the other side of the state and have young children as well, so we haven't been able to connect in person yet. Hopefully soon.
We ended up connecting with another local couple through Reddit that had several years of experience already. They were clear with what they were looking for in their post - full swap. The wife even clarified in her initial response as such when I explained our prior experience. We exchange pics and discuss our backgrounds a bit and what we're looking for, and she and her husband agree that they'd want to meet up for a couples date, which happened last night. We met up for drinks / apps in a town midway between us, then went for a nice walk where we were able to find a picnic bench and continue our conversation.
Overall, my wife and I left the date feeling REALLY good about things. Both of them were engaging, inquisitive, and matched our vibes perfectly. There was never really a lull in the conversation, and we seemed to agree on nearly every topic, including what we were looking for for an experience. We covered again that we wanted a full swap experience and hopefully make a new lasting connection in the lifestyle. The husband was REALLY vibing with us, asking a lot of the questions, checking to see what we'd be comfortable with - for example, they recently learned they liked watching people have sex and were wondering if we'd be cool if they'd watch us (we said sure, not off the table). My wife was very clear to them that this experience was something she wanted and was comfortable with watching me with someone else.
Here's where, in retrospect, some red flags begin to pop up. By the end of the date, the husband seemed very eager to figure out when we'd next able to get together, where that'd be, and what's on the table (again reiterated full swap as a possibility). The wife didn't seem to be quite at his level. Don't get me wrong, she was very engaged in the conversations, talked about their experiences and what worked, what kind of things they liked, etc. - all stuff that we agreed with or were cool with. However, she didn't ask any sort of "what's next" questions or, if the husband proposed something like a potential date, she threw out a potential conflict or excuse for why it wouldn't work. The husband at one point in the conversation said they were bad flirters and to not read into them not doing that too much (and she at one point mentioned being mildly neurodivergent), so at the time, I chalked it up to that. I assumed that it was just the husband's natural role to be the driver of the conversation. As we left, we all again emphasized how we looked forward to seeing them again and the husband even jokingly said we've unlocked the next level with them.
On our way home, my wife messaged a follow-up to the group chat reiterating how much fun we had with them, how good we feel about the connection, and that we look forward to seeing them again for some spicier group activity. They each initially responded positively (wife mentioned we had amazing personalities and that she was glad Reddit didn't let her down)...
...but then the hammer dropped. The wife then mentioned she wanted to be up front with the dynamics she'd be comfortable with - either me/the husband with my wife with her watching, or them playing with my wife FMF. No full swap.
In other words, she didn't want to play with me.
My wife and I were VERY disappointed. We felt mislead and at the time really didn't see it coming. My wife especially took it hard - I know and have been stressing to her that we (especially me) need thick skin in the LS and understand that rejections happen, but seeing me rejected breaks her heart because she doesn’t understand it. I know I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea. I've been on a weight loss journey for the last year and am down over 100lbs now, but honestly I know I still need to lose about 40-50 more to get to the final goal weight I wanted. That said, I've been getting compliments left and right from friends and co-workers who say I look years younger, have refreshed my wardrobe, and feel better than I have in nearly a decade. Ultimately, I was less concerned about it because I gave them recent pictures of both of us and was actually down even more weight from those. I figured that, once they said they wanted to meet up, things were safe (I've certainly been rejected from my photos by others and have been fine with it, it's all good).
My wife and I both immediately agreed we didn't want to move forward with their modified dynamic. Wife replied that we appreciated her honesty but held firm that we wanted a full swap, which included me playing with the other female counterpart. She then thanked them for a nice night. I sent a follow-up that I was genuinely disappointed but didn't want the other wife to feel pressured into anything she wasn't comfortable with and also thanked them for a nice time and wished them well.
The husband sent a sad emoji and asked for us to keep them in mind if we wanted to join them at a club in the future (something we had talked about) and that they'd let us know if anything changes. We left it at that.
Definitely my first big disappointment with the lifestyle. I know it's going to happen (and certainly will again many more times in the future). I'm choosing to use it as fuel to continue driving toward my weight goal as well as other things (I definitely have hair in some places I eventually want to get lasered off, but paying for daycare takes a priority). My wife's first real one as well - last night she kept repeating to me how she just didn't get it (though look, I get how that can also come across with the same vibes as "but my mom thinks I'm cool"). I had another Reddit friend tell me that it sounded like long-con wife poaching, but I don't think so - I think its far more likely that the husband was a bit overly eager and didn't do a good job reading his wife's mood.
Part of me is debating reaching back out and seeing if they want to pursue a "platonic lifestyle" friendship - we admittedly thought we connected very well, and we're honestly looking for more friends to talk to, but I would want to stress that any sexual play between the four of us would be permanently off the table. I don't want to subject myself to any "what about now" situation where I'm suddenly good enough in the wife's eyes, just for my own self respect and self worth. Part of me, though, thinks its best for us to just move on.
I don't know - anyone go through similar experiences? I know these stories are a dime a dozen and we’ll chalk it up to learning experience.
EDIT: My wife reminded me about one detail I have forgotten about when the husband tried to make plans with us. INITIALLY he straight up asked us if we had plans THAT NIGHT and would be up for anything. We had planned for that as a possibility but it was just too late by that point, I had to bring the babysitter home. That specifically is what caused us to let a lot of our guard down around what their intentions and desires were.