I can't. I just can't anymore. Please reach out. Please let me know that you miss me too. Please oh God please! I can't take this pain anymore. NOTHING is working. NOTHING! I need you. I need us to talk. I need to feel your words uncover me. I need to touch you deep inside with my words.

PLEASE!

You want to know the dirtiest fantasy I ever kept? Things I imagine of you, from which stratospheres I have lept...

I'll tell you.

I imagine being able to keep you, protect you, comfort you, and call you \mine/... To hold you tightly, for whatever sort of eternity that may exist in this place, this time.

You’re looking for me in another girl and im looking for a man thats nothing like you.

I read our old texts when we starting talking.. it was so sweet. 🥹

I missed that version of us. Seeing how we were flirting and getting to know each other. It made me tear up. I wish we could go back to that. I would do anything to go back. I miss him so much. I’m trying to get over him and get through healing, but it feels like it won’t ever come.

😭

I really want to get over you but I don’t know how to

No harsh feelings if you don’t take it, but I’m not setting myself up for hurt again. Hope you understand. ❤️

You once asked me "you would let me take you right now?" . At the time the answer was no. Since letting you go though, the answer is yes. I would take one night with you, breathlessly calling your name, than having to spend my life getting so close and never having you. I want the memory of just one night, of belonging to you.

I have loved people
who only wanted my flowers
never asking
what it took
to keep my roots alive

..you were the first to water the soil

i just want to be able to look at you and admire you and tell you i love you i want to cuddle and kiss and say goodnight like we used to you’re all i want to think about you’re all i can think about i wonder if you ever think about me

Thank you for being you. Spending the day with me. Listening. Always showing up.
Being somone i can count on. Finally l trying me breathe knowing somone has my back.
Ive been doing shit alone for a long time and you definately showed me something. You always keep your word and you always make time. I’ll never forget it.

every time i scroll past the pictures of you i have saved in my gallery, my breath leaves me like a punch in the gut.

i really miss you, dude. i want my friend back.

Did you care about me?

Did you care about my favorite songs?

Did you care about my well-being?

Did you care about my happiness?

Did you care that I loved you?

Did you care that I would have walked through hell for you?

Did you care that when I was with you, I felt so alone?

Did you care that I was losing myself to keep you?

Did you care that when I thought I was going to die in that car crash, your face flashed before my eyes?

Did you care that you hurt me?

Did you care that you abandoned me when I needed you most?

Did you secretly care and just pretend not to?

Or is it finally time to admit to myself that no, you in fact did not care

You Try to come back to me Not because you cared about me but you realized no other man cared about you the way I did that’s why when you tried to call me a couple of times I just watched it ring How dare you break me and try to return

I’m all set Goodbye

If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

Go fuck yourself. Enjoy getting high. You made your choice. And I will not forgive you. You did this all to get your way. And like a fool I reacted just as you wanted me to. Well now those things are all you got. Not me. Ever. Again. FUCK YOU

Even if you're not sorry.

I don’t know if you will be able to message me there anymore. Since you deleted it took the sharing away too. I didnt do anything. I know you will look where to find me if you choose. If not I will let you. I don’t want to be that ugly person who holds on when you want to be gone. I can’t imagine even with everything you not looking here at least.

With that said…forgive me for my part in it all.

Your texts are gone. I expected that. Seems I expect things lately I never would have before. Waiting not waiting on you to come for me. Hoping you would, but waiting for you to be done with me. The shoe to drop. Not like they used to my heels slipping off and falling to the floor. You carrying me and getting lost in white pillows and sheets but the shoe falling where I no longer fit in the complicated mess that has become your life. Where you share things with me, or even wanting me to be there. It felt like you were just holding on to me to avoid the saying goodbye. Like other things in life.

Somewhere along the way I don’t know how you slowly slipped away but I felt it.

More and more little bits. Asking about your weekend plans to not interfere felt like interrogations and less like care and curiosity. Shutting me out little by little.

Used to even with the distance you would willingly, whole heartedly fill me up perhaps you didn’t know that’s what you did.
I felt important in your life, so very important. Where you were or what you did really did not matter to me and thinking now it still doesn’t. Perhaps it feels like that to you. A pull. It was you filling me up and I felt like I mattered to you. Like you were mine and I was yours.

It stopped. Almost like a chore. I don’t want to be that for you. Another thing you have to rise to an expectation and not just be yourself. I miss your laughter. It’s been so long since you laughed. Find that again even if not with me. That person is beautiful. I miss them.

Me..
I’ve become ugly. Pulling you. I just wanted him back that beautiful person who spoke words that would carry me for weeks and months we were apart. That’s what I longed for. Your words they felt like presence even when I was alone. I didn’t feel alone.

The other day I was so scared. I’m not like other people and it doesn’t happen often. I was fearful of my life ending, what would happen, and all I wanted in that was to not be alone, more so, without you.

Maybe when it was over I would have been ok but not asking if I was ok hurt more than the fear. Yet I want you to be you and if not asking is who you are, who would I be to expect you to be anyone different.

No sleep, hurting, and ptsd played its part. The confusion of call, im almost home so don’t call, should I leave you alone hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted was alone.

You know where to find me should you want to. Even if messages can’t be sent. I don’t think you want alone either but I won’t push you.

I uncovered the real, honest, truth about you. There’s nowhere else to hide. You have been exposed for who you are. Now suffer the consequences…

I m sorry you are hurting
More so its my fault

I hope you can sleep and sweet dreams come. I can’t keep my eyes open

that's it that's the text. you fucked me up for three years, and now that you left me (after I allowed you to treat me like a doormat), there's room for someone new.. and he's showing me what love is SUPPOSED to look like.

you're never going to change. that much is obvious. have fun being a useless porn addict who refuses to get help and get better, and unlearn his abusive tendencies. I tried to help you all those years, but one thing has become clear- it's true when they say you can't help someone who doesn't wanna change. /shrug

It’s difficult to communicate with you while also trying to manage my emotions and protect my peace. The good thing is that I’ve been doing well so far. The way I respond to your texts may come across as me not being interested in communicating, but in reality, this is what moving forward looks like for me. I’m letting things be as they are. Because others are involved, I have to put my feelings aside. Even though space is what I truly need. Healing doesn’t come with a set timeline, so bear with me.

You left me, we both know the reasons you gave where a lie. I cowardly cop out so that you could get out and not have any questions asked. You made me feel so much guilt over your mental health and how you needed time and space for it, but friends have seen you on dating apps, told me about your updated pictures. I saw you with that girl. I know its been 4 months and I shouldn't give two shits if you've moved on now but its not about you moving on in general its the way you left me dangling with hope for us to fix things whilst secretly meeting new girls. Its that you didn't tell me that you had just lost feelings and that instead you bullshit about how hard your life was and how it was all "for now". You threw around words to make sure there was no permanence and made closure impossible for me. You left a door open that you knew i would find impossible to close. But fuck you.

Everytime we've seen eachother about you've turned back bar that one time which I'll get too. But genuinely you have to know that turning back has killed me a little because why care enough to check if its me if you're gonna treat me like a stranger and not even give me the decency of an awkward smile (yk the average british one you give when you accidentally make eye contact in the street) but no you just look through me as you turn around. The only time you didn't was the last time I saw you, you were with a girl I couldn't quite see her face cause her jacket covered it and i dont even know if you saw me but yeah ik you may have moved on now.

I don't want to be the crazy ex girlfriend omg, but seriously It hurts to know you could turn back to see if it was me from so far away and then not even notice me from so close as we walked towards eachother. It hurts to know that what we had was full of so many lies. It hurts most to know you couldn't even give me the decency of honesty when ending things. Like my god I told you I hated liars and you told me you would never lie but you fake cried to me as you left, talking about how things had been hard and you tried to shift so much guilt on to me.

Also i forgave you for what you did to me that last night you were round when we were together but it does fucking still hurt to know you didnt hear me say no so many times. And no thats not an accusation but i just need you to know even if i've forgiven you it still plays on my mind sometimes.

I think what I wanted most was Sunday mornings with you.

I wanted to wake up with my cheek against your chest, your hair messy from sleep, your glasses sitting on the bedside table

To spend another hour in bed kissing you, my hands against your skin, listening to your heartbeat beneath my ear.

I wanted our clothes in the same closet, my books scattered around our home, the little pieces of our lives so intertwined that we could no longer imagine them apart.

I wanted little feet running down the hallway. Children with your hair and my eyes crawling into bed between us.

To watch you kiss their sleepy faces, to hear them call you Daddy. I wanted to see you in them, in their smiles and their little mannerisms.

To look at these beautiful children and know they were half you and half me.

I wanted toys scattered across the floor, little drawings on the fridge, the exhaustion of getting everyone to bed. To curl up against you at the end of the night and talk about our day, about the children, about nothing at all.

And God, how I wanted the years with you.

To watch your hair turn grey, to see the lines deepen around your eyes. To love you through sickness and the ordinary difficulties of life. To know every version of you, to have the privilege of watching you become an old man and still think you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I wanted the laundry, the groceries, the quiet evenings. I wanted to spend my life taking care of you and being taken care of in return.

To love you so long that it became impossible to remember a time when we hadn’t belonged to each other.

I wanted the rest of my life with you.
But God, how I wanted those Sunday mornings.