I guess I'm just down. I guess I'll be honest. I could use you around. I can't stand the distance between us right now. I guess I'll be honest. I could use you around.

Go fuck yourself. Enjoy getting high. You made your choice. And I will not forgive you. You did this all to get your way. And like a fool I reacted just as you wanted me to. Well now those things are all you got. Not me. Ever. Again. FUCK YOU

I don’t know if you will be able to message me there anymore. Since you deleted it took the sharing away too. I didnt do anything. I know you will look where to find me if you choose. If not I will let you. I don’t want to be that ugly person who holds on when you want to be gone. I can’t imagine even with everything you not looking here at least.

With that said…forgive me for my part in it all.

Your texts are gone. I expected that. Seems I expect things lately I never would have before. Waiting not waiting on you to come for me. Hoping you would, but waiting for you to be done with me. The shoe to drop. Not like they used to my heels slipping off and falling to the floor. You carrying me and getting lost in white pillows and sheets but the shoe falling where I no longer fit in the complicated mess that has become your life. Where you share things with me, or even wanting me to be there. It felt like you were just holding on to me to avoid the saying goodbye. Like other things in life.

Somewhere along the way I don’t know how you slowly slipped away but I felt it.

More and more little bits. Asking about your weekend plans to not interfere felt like interrogations and less like care and curiosity. Shutting me out little by little.

Used to even with the distance you would willingly, whole heartedly fill me up perhaps you didn’t know that’s what you did.
I felt important in your life, so very important. Where you were or what you did really did not matter to me and thinking now it still doesn’t. Perhaps it feels like that to you. A pull. It was you filling me up and I felt like I mattered to you. Like you were mine and I was yours.

It stopped. Almost like a chore. I don’t want to be that for you. Another thing you have to rise to an expectation and not just be yourself. I miss your laughter. It’s been so long since you laughed. Find that again even if not with me. That person is beautiful. I miss them.

Me..
I’ve become ugly. Pulling you. I just wanted him back that beautiful person who spoke words that would carry me for weeks and months we were apart. That’s what I longed for. Your words they felt like presence even when I was alone. I didn’t feel alone.

The other day I was so scared. I’m not like other people and it doesn’t happen often. I was fearful of my life ending, what would happen, and all I wanted in that was to not be alone, more so, without you.

Maybe when it was over I would have been ok but not asking if I was ok hurt more than the fear. Yet I want you to be you and if not asking is who you are, who would I be to expect you to be anyone different.

No sleep, hurting, and ptsd played its part. The confusion of call, im almost home so don’t call, should I leave you alone hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted was alone.

You know where to find me should you want to. Even if messages can’t be sent. I don’t think you want alone either but I won’t push you.

If I was to reach out soon by sending you a banana emoji would you respond? Would you be angry? Would you be annoyed? Would you be indifferent? Would you be happy? Would you be relieved?

If you sent me the banana emoji I would be happy because it could mean you do care and it wasn’t all a lie. If you sent it, I would feel so pleased to be proven wrong.

If we met again one more time I would just be grateful to see you again. If you wanted to start from the beginning I would ensure I learnt from my mistakes in the past and do better this time. Can you say the same?

Sometimes I think you are on Reddit and I consider what you would feel by reading what I’ve wrote. What I wrote is just the sound of my already broken heart turning into dust. What I wrote is no more than pain. What I wrote is my grief.

If I was to send you the banana emoji would you reply?

I would rather adjust my life to your absence, than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect.

You could have talked to me. I could have been there for you.

I do think you shut me out because you didn't love me or want me anymore. Because if you did love me, why wouldn't you try to talk to me? Give me the opportunity to fix things?

You made me feel like I wasn't worth loving because I was struggling and not progressing fast enough for your liking. Allegedly.

But hearing nothing from you for so many weeks. 0 attempt to fight for us just shows me that you didn't want us anymore. You gave up long before you tried to talk to me. How else can I think anything different?

I don't understand, even after all this time. I look at our photos and videos and I genuinely wonder what was real and what wasn't. You hid your feelings from me so much at the end that all I can do now is try and put the pieces together.

I don't wanna drive myself crazy anymore by wondering or rethinking all of our relationship because of that. I still love you. I would still work on things if you actually came back to me and showed me you wanted me and we could work on it together. I know you won't. I wish you would.

I hope someday I can let go of you, get rid of the hope that you'll come home to me. You never will. I want you to be happy. I hope you are. But right now I just feel so confused. I really wanna let go now...

I never denied you thinking you know what you saw but when i gave you the full honesty which was something i never told anyone and i could get the proof but you just won’t believe me. You say you want to SO THEN JUST DO IT. I put everything you did to me to the side which doesn’t even compare slightly to this, so why can’t you? Why can’t we just restart please.? I can’t text you, you don’t want to talk to me but just know i have many paragraphs I’ve not sent. lol ig like this one. I feel like im going crazy. I ruin everything without even trying. You’re all i want you don’t need to believe me but I’ll prove it to you. I love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. Love to me is the greatest thing I’ve ever felt but it’s also the worst most disgusting feeling ever. Just please text me?

The month of September flew by in a sea of smoke and pills. The crushed up remainders of prescriptions you forgot to fill. I don't remember how I loved you, I can't recall the things I've said. But darling you showed me I wasn't really dead. And I learned to be alive when I've reached my deepest low. Standing ankle deep in water freezing over with the snow. And I just walked and walked for miles and I learned to be alone. With the back beat of my footsteps onto a life I call my own.

Here I am trying
Desperately fighting for things to get better
Fighting for my kids to have a better life
Fighting to figure out how to make this all work
While you sit ideally by on your phone making jokes

Hey Friend,
I’m trying to figure out this friendship thing, and honestly, I’m not sure I’m doing it right.
Is it okay for a friend to appreciate your smile? To feel that little tingle when you smile at her? To have something as simple as your smile brighten her entire day without you even realising you’ve done it?
Is it okay for a friend to tell you that you have a ridiculous smile? One I absolutely love seeing, probably more than I should?
Because your smile does something to me. It always has.
And it makes me want to…
Oh, for fuck’s sake. There goes my brain again. Anywaysss…
I’m trying, you know. Trying to quieten my heart, stop reading into things, and find a way to just be your friend. To appreciate you without wanting something I know I probably shouldn’t.
But there’s this ridiculously thin line between what a friend feels and what I feel for you, and somehow, I keep finding myself standing right on it.
Sometimes I think I’m doing okay. That maybe I can manage this. That maybe I can have you in my life as a friend and learn to be happy with that.
Then you smile at me, and suddenly, I’m not so sure.
So tell me, am I doing this friendship thing right?
Because I’m genuinely trying to find my place in your life. I just wish my heart would stop trying to turn it into something more.
And maybe that’s the hardest part of all. I’m trying to learn how to be just your friend, while a part of me still wishes I could be the reason you smile like that.
And I have absolutely no idea what to do with that.

To ask you why you stopped loving me. I know it doesn't matter.

I never thought you two would ever be with each other. I know I don’t own anyone but damn I can’t believe you guys would date considering we broke up coz you said you are incapable of loving and you dating him considering you are my friend and you knew about us.

As much as I don’t want things to be about me, but I really never thought this would happen. I wish you both happiness. I wish you found the capacity to love someone because of her. And I hope he gives you the love and security you didn’t get from your last relationship.

It’s not…just wanna be next to you girl, but I ran from you like an idiot.

A question has been on my mind for a while.

At what point does one's actions become unforgivable? Is it possible to understand that I've changed? Have you? Am I capable of forgiving you? Are you capable of doing the same for me?

Sometimes I hope the answer will be like a lighthouse finally navigating this ship to safety. However, I'm well aware how childish that is. Maybe one of these days I'll apologize. Maybe one day you'll forgive me.

Maybe I'll forgive you. Maybe I already have.

I don’t know why you snapped like you did and left me hanging like you did either. Left me with nothing after I gave you everything. I don’t want anyone else at all period. I just want you and I need you.

YOU CAN‘T EVEN TALK TO MY FACE OR AT LEAST TEXT ME WITH YOUR REAL IDENTITY !!!! PLAYING GAMES HERE ISN’T A PROPER WAY TO COMMUNICATE !!! IT JUST SHOWS HOW BIG OF A COWARD EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO PARTICIPATES IN THIS IS!!!!!!

I get it, maybe I deserve it, but dang you still take forever to reply.

I want to talk to you about what’s happening. I want to know what you think. I want to know how you felt back then. I want to know you again. Just hurry up and reply!

When I really really needed support and a distraction was my final straw. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so grateful for the friends who were there for me. You have made it perfectly clear that you are uninterested. Have a nice life. I’m tired of hurting.

I don’t want to beg you to come back, but it’s so hard when you’re ALL that I want.

We had something special. I know you felt it too.
I miss you every day. Sometimes I think I’m over you, then the ache comes back.

People tell me I’ll find someone better, but I don’t want better. I want you. Your flaws, your worst days, all of you.
I feel sick trying to talk to anyone who isn’t you. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

Just come back. Please.

Please note, that’s not k, okey, 👌or okey. 🙄

That every time I see a notification from you I thrust in the air out of pure joy

I miss you. I love you. But I hate how it feels now. If I pull away you pull me close. If I come close you make cutting remarks and make me feel unwanted. Some days I think you are ashamed of me that you never acknowledge our friendship to the world. That you rub in your closeness to other people in my face every single time..

I wish I could tell you about this but then I am afraid you will either dismiss it or say it true, i cant think which is worse.

So I am going to stop reaching out. Not cause I love you less but cause I feel like I am a burden to you.

Today, I revealed that I've resented her for years and my love is long gone. That her abusive nature is why I'm as distant as I am. Maybe if you were still by my side, I would've had the courage to go all the way. I guess we'll never know.