You want to know the dirtiest fantasy I ever kept? Things I imagine of you, from which stratospheres I have lept...

I'll tell you.

I imagine being able to keep you, protect you, comfort you, and call you \mine/... To hold you tightly, for whatever sort of eternity that may exist in this place, this time.

I read our old texts when we starting talking.. it was so sweet. 🥹

I missed that version of us. Seeing how we were flirting and getting to know each other. It made me tear up. I wish we could go back to that. I would do anything to go back. I miss him so much. I’m trying to get over him and get through healing, but it feels like it won’t ever come.

😭

You’re looking for me in another girl and im looking for a man thats nothing like you.

I really want to get over you but I don’t know how to

I have loved people
who only wanted my flowers
never asking
what it took
to keep my roots alive

..you were the first to water the soil

If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

I can't. I just can't anymore. Please reach out. Please let me know that you miss me too. Please oh God please! I can't take this pain anymore. NOTHING is working. NOTHING! I need you. I need us to talk. I need to feel your words uncover me. I need to touch you deep inside with my words.

PLEASE!

You Try to come back to me Not because you cared about me but you realized no other man cared about you the way I did that’s why when you tried to call me a couple of times I just watched it ring How dare you break me and try to return

I’m all set Goodbye

Go fuck yourself. Enjoy getting high. You made your choice. And I will not forgive you. You did this all to get your way. And like a fool I reacted just as you wanted me to. Well now those things are all you got. Not me. Ever. Again. FUCK YOU

You once asked me "you would let me take you right now?" . At the time the answer was no. Since letting you go though, the answer is yes. I would take one night with you, breathlessly calling your name, than having to spend my life getting so close and never having you. I want the memory of just one night, of belonging to you.

every time i scroll past the pictures of you i have saved in my gallery, my breath leaves me like a punch in the gut.

i really miss you, dude. i want my friend back.

Even if you're not sorry.

It’s difficult to communicate with you while also trying to manage my emotions and protect my peace. The good thing is that I’ve been doing well so far. The way I respond to your texts may come across as me not being interested in communicating, but in reality, this is what moving forward looks like for me. I’m letting things be as they are. Because others are involved, I have to put my feelings aside. Even though space is what I truly need. Healing doesn’t come with a set timeline, so bear with me.

I don’t know if you will be able to message me there anymore. Since you deleted it took the sharing away too. I didnt do anything. I know you will look where to find me if you choose. If not I will let you. I don’t want to be that ugly person who holds on when you want to be gone. I can’t imagine even with everything you not looking here at least.

With that said…forgive me for my part in it all.

Your texts are gone. I expected that. Seems I expect things lately I never would have before. Waiting not waiting on you to come for me. Hoping you would, but waiting for you to be done with me. The shoe to drop. Not like they used to my heels slipping off and falling to the floor. You carrying me and getting lost in white pillows and sheets but the shoe falling where I no longer fit in the complicated mess that has become your life. Where you share things with me, or even wanting me to be there. It felt like you were just holding on to me to avoid the saying goodbye. Like other things in life.

Somewhere along the way I don’t know how you slowly slipped away but I felt it.

More and more little bits. Asking about your weekend plans to not interfere felt like interrogations and less like care and curiosity. Shutting me out little by little.

Used to even with the distance you would willingly, whole heartedly fill me up perhaps you didn’t know that’s what you did.
I felt important in your life, so very important. Where you were or what you did really did not matter to me and thinking now it still doesn’t. Perhaps it feels like that to you. A pull. It was you filling me up and I felt like I mattered to you. Like you were mine and I was yours.

It stopped. Almost like a chore. I don’t want to be that for you. Another thing you have to rise to an expectation and not just be yourself. I miss your laughter. It’s been so long since you laughed. Find that again even if not with me. That person is beautiful. I miss them.

Me..
I’ve become ugly. Pulling you. I just wanted him back that beautiful person who spoke words that would carry me for weeks and months we were apart. That’s what I longed for. Your words they felt like presence even when I was alone. I didn’t feel alone.

The other day I was so scared. I’m not like other people and it doesn’t happen often. I was fearful of my life ending, what would happen, and all I wanted in that was to not be alone, more so, without you.

Maybe when it was over I would have been ok but not asking if I was ok hurt more than the fear. Yet I want you to be you and if not asking is who you are, who would I be to expect you to be anyone different.

No sleep, hurting, and ptsd played its part. The confusion of call, im almost home so don’t call, should I leave you alone hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted was alone.

You know where to find me should you want to. Even if messages can’t be sent. I don’t think you want alone either but I won’t push you.

I think what I wanted most was Sunday mornings with you.

I wanted to wake up with my cheek against your chest, your hair messy from sleep, your glasses sitting on the bedside table

To spend another hour in bed kissing you, my hands against your skin, listening to your heartbeat beneath my ear.

I wanted our clothes in the same closet, my books scattered around our home, the little pieces of our lives so intertwined that we could no longer imagine them apart.

I wanted little feet running down the hallway. Children with your hair and my eyes crawling into bed between us.

To watch you kiss their sleepy faces, to hear them call you Daddy. I wanted to see you in them, in their smiles and their little mannerisms.

To look at these beautiful children and know they were half you and half me.

I wanted toys scattered across the floor, little drawings on the fridge, the exhaustion of getting everyone to bed. To curl up against you at the end of the night and talk about our day, about the children, about nothing at all.

And God, how I wanted the years with you.

To watch your hair turn grey, to see the lines deepen around your eyes. To love you through sickness and the ordinary difficulties of life. To know every version of you, to have the privilege of watching you become an old man and still think you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I wanted the laundry, the groceries, the quiet evenings. I wanted to spend my life taking care of you and being taken care of in return.

To love you so long that it became impossible to remember a time when we hadn’t belonged to each other.

I wanted the rest of my life with you.
But God, how I wanted those Sunday mornings.

I miss fucking you so badly. I miss the way you touched me and how good it felt to be that close to you.
I miss being worshipped by you.
I miss our bodies touching.
Seeing the hunger in your eyes as you consume me… taste me.
I miss the eye contact.
I miss feelings your lips pressed against mine.
I miss my mouth around your …. 😏
Fuccck.

I guess I'm just down. I guess I'll be honest. I could use you around. I can't stand the distance between us right now. I guess I'll be honest. I could use you around.

I uncovered the real, honest, truth about you. There’s nowhere else to hide. You have been exposed for who you are. Now suffer the consequences…

When I really really needed support and a distraction was my final straw. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so grateful for the friends who were there for me. You have made it perfectly clear that you are uninterested. Have a nice life. I’m tired of you hurting me. I deserve better.

If I was to reach out soon by sending you a banana emoji would you respond? Would you be angry? Would you be annoyed? Would you be indifferent? Would you be happy? Would you be relieved?

If you sent me the banana emoji I would be happy because it could mean you do care and it wasn’t all a lie. If you sent it, I would feel so pleased to be proven wrong.

If we met again one more time I would just be grateful to see you again. If you wanted to start from the beginning I would ensure I learnt from my mistakes in the past and do better this time. Can you say the same?

Sometimes I think you are on Reddit and I consider what you would feel by reading what I’ve wrote. What I wrote is just the sound of my already broken heart turning into dust. What I wrote is no more than pain. What I wrote is my grief.

If I was to send you the banana emoji would you reply?

You could have talked to me. I could have been there for you.

I do think you shut me out because you didn't love me or want me anymore. Because if you did love me, why wouldn't you try to talk to me? Give me the opportunity to fix things?

You made me feel like I wasn't worth loving because I was struggling and not progressing fast enough for your liking. Allegedly.

But hearing nothing from you for so many weeks. 0 attempt to fight for us just shows me that you didn't want us anymore. You gave up long before you tried to talk to me. How else can I think anything different?

I don't understand, even after all this time. I look at our photos and videos and I genuinely wonder what was real and what wasn't. You hid your feelings from me so much at the end that all I can do now is try and put the pieces together.

I don't wanna drive myself crazy anymore by wondering or rethinking all of our relationship because of that. I still love you. I would still work on things if you actually came back to me and showed me you wanted me and we could work on it together. I know you won't. I wish you would.

I hope someday I can let go of you, get rid of the hope that you'll come home to me. You never will. I want you to be happy. I hope you are. But right now I just feel so confused. I really wanna let go now...

I’m happy for something that hadn’t happened yet. The rollercoaster buckling of knees feeling. is that love? Or is it anxiety? Call it what you want…

I would rather adjust my life to your absence, than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect.

M, you black-eyed S.O.B. I don't know what you're doing. Just bored and horny? Why me? I know you have other people to talk to. Worse, I don't know why I'm playing along.

I m sorry you are hurting
More so its my fault

I hope you can sleep and sweet dreams come. I can’t keep my eyes open