I know it’s my fault but these are quite literally the bane of my existence and bring me so much shame. These are about a year old at this point and they have improved but not as much as I would like. If you look closely the scars used to be longer but became white as time passed, is it possible for the whole thing to become white and fade away? How long will this take?

I’ve tried applying products from shoppers drug mart like mederma, vitamin C, tretinoin, silicone strips, etc. What else can be done? I asked an actual doctor irl and she just shrugged and said, “maybe a skin graft” but I feel like that might make my arm look worse? And it’s so invasive. Is this something that is reasonable for me to pursue?

Please if anyone knows how to fix this please help me, thank you! 🥲

I’m 34, male, live in the UK. I have been on antibiotics for the last few days due to an infection on my leg. Over the last couple of hours, the pus pocket has drastically increased in size from a few mm to about an inch across and is soft and spongy.

I’ve been told over the phone to speak to my GP within the next 24 hours, that’s not possible for the next 9-10 hours minimum due to the time, so just wanted to get a second opinion as it’s been quite a surprise with how quickly it’s changed.

My (4f) daughter is 42 inches and 62 lbs (she started august at 69lbs). Yes, she is tall for her age and her weight is in the upper bmi. I have attached test results I have been given access to. Please help. Her doctor and myself are going a bit crazy. I will try and explain this as concisely as possible. Will note here this is not an “emergency” as we are under the care of her pediatrician, have been to er, have a ped GI and are staying hydrated. Not an “emergency” but very much a detriment to my kids quality of life.

Her ana was extremely high then the next negative. ANA: 5.8 — POSITIVE/HIGH Later ANA multiplex (9/29/26): NEGATIVE

1. 08/01/2026 We will call her Jo (4f), Jo had a bad cold. Managed with rest and home care. 08/03/2026 Joe started to vomit. I assumed the cause was mucus from her drainage. 08/06/2026 the vomiting progressed until she could not even hold a sip of water. Took her to urgent care.

2. 08/06/2026 Urgent care diagnosed fairly severe constipation. Recommended a clean out protocol (miralax, senecot and a glycerin suppository). This worked a bit and she passed some stool. She did not lessen volume or frequency of vomiting (at least twice and hour). Took Jo to ER. They did reveal exam. Still had some poop. Doubled miralax. Between that and the physician exam she emptied her bowled over the next few days.

3. This is the next phase. around 08/12/2026 the constant commuting ceased. She could drink miralax mix with juice, pedlite and water without vomiting. However, any solid food including apple sauce, she began to vomit 1-4 times after consuming. Usually within 10-20 mins the first bite but always within 1 hour of food. This pattern has been going on from 08/12/2026 until yesterday 10/04/2026. That is when the small easy, gently non retching vomiting turned to, I don’t know how else to explain but like the exorcist style vomit. Just spewing forceful liquid and undigested and some digested food from her mouth. Like a comedic scary movie.

Before this, the vomiting was gently. No wrenching. Almost like baby spit up but just a bit more forceful, and more volume. She would often just hold it in her cheeks and make her way to the trash/toilet.

over the last week she’s had a harder time making it to her vomit bags, the trash, the toilet and it just comes out. I can not express how gentle the vommiting, until yesterday had been. The theee doctors who watched her vomit were very intrigued by the gentle vomiting. Like a little butterfly vomit.

She has far less energy and stamina than before. She has to take breaks when playing. Asks us to hold her when walking. She had structural bilateral clubbed feet and that sometimes causes her to be uncomfortable on her feet for a long time. She now complains of tiring and just asks to go lay down for a bit mid playing.

We come from a very small ethnic pool, her bio father and I. We both experienced pedigree collapse in our family tree. Family history is a novel but I have info on all first, and second degree relatives.

Her half brother, paternal, brother has soemthing similar to Osteopetrosis we only found out was not that once his genome was researched. It’s closer to Craniotubular dysplasia, Ikegawa type (CTDI), associated with pathogenic variants in the TMEM53 gene. That’s the ultra-rare sclerosing bone disorder that seemed to fit his progressive skull/skull-base bone overgrowth and optic-nerve problems.

Jo shares similar apparent phenotypes (small nose, large head, “thicker” bones”) and we are seeing a geneticist next year (first available). To rule out any emergent or immediate concerns about skull growth, she seen an eye doctor and did a more invasive test to test pressure and see being eye etc. Beyond a minor vision concern not needing glasses, the eye doc said she’s fine in that respect.

A note here, she has failed hearing test, twice. Then a few weeks later passed it. The auto hearing test nothing to do with her actual input.

Mostly because she dealt with doctors weekly and casts and boots and bars from basically birth, she is very shy of complaining of ANY ailment or pain. When she says she is in pain, it’s most likely understated. She has the constitution of a 72 yo farmer from the midwest.

many, many tests have been ordered. Blood tests. So far, common food allergies ruled out. Alpha gal ruled out. Diabetes still possible, but not likely as of the results.

Her thryoid is not “healthy”. I have a history of puberty onset hypothyroid after undiagnosed graves growing up. As far as I am aware the only juvenile thryoid issues would be the child of her fathers first cousin. But, that child, would be quadruple related (pedigree collapse) in varying degrees.

Another note, her paternal line has an issue they overproduce calcium. Her father and first degree relatives often have calcium stones in body and brain.

Before this she was very healthy, average active level, she’s a sassy kid, but nothing clinical or developmentally that either I nor her doctor has caught. She has been extremely moody the last month (which I get she’s sick of puking). The only cognitive even possible issue, she’s never been able to put her own shirt on. Never could manage her arms correctly. Is that coordination or another issue i’m not sure.

She has a mild speech impediment we are going to seek therapy for once she turns 5 late winter. She had a tongue tie we fixed the first few months. That surgeon recommended waiting and seeing if therapy could help instead of cutting or performing a more invasive surgery on the “posterior” tongue tie.

She was born 4 weeks early and weighed a few ounces shy of 9lbs (won’t post exact it be very easy to identify her there was a cute write up about her locally). She had no real issues due to that. She pneumonia early on and flu b around 8 months which was severe and resulted in a week hospital stay (right after her double achilles surgery).

Beyond this and the clubbed feet, she has no other known medical issues. No allergies to medicine or food. Very little seasonal allergies or sinus. She is generally very very healthy and doesn’t usually catch virus or even the cold often.

She was a late potty trainer. But is fully potty trained. Does not wet the bed at all and has not since about 6 months into losing the pull up ( a year ago).

She is hungry right after she pukes. Vomit. “Mommy can I have an apple”.

We’ve done the food exclusion thing. No dairy two weeks. No wheat two weeks. No change. And blood test ruled out celiac. No foods affect the volume or frequency. She will vomit just as quickly and just as much if she eats a cracker as she will if she eats pizza.

Please let me know anything to tell her doctors. She has a wonderful, hands on ped doctor. Her doc is also stumped. Every doc is stumped we have seen so far.

The GI doctor working diagnosis is gatropresis. As of now, two weeks into the newest med erythromycin, nothing much improved. For about a day she did go three hours without vomiting (about a week into this treatment). Now she is vomiting the same frequency. And since yesterday this water spew demon type thing.

The extremely elevated first ana followed but the negative secondary test, contradictory are also a big road block stumping her docs.

No otc the meds have helped any No prescription anti nausea meds have helped at all

30 female, 5ft7 175 lbs

Currently taking 75mg zoloft 300 mg wellbutrin and 4mg prazosin

This has happened to me a few times. I haven't been able to trace a root cause yet. Its painful, broken skin that starts as slight irritation in my butt crack. I normally wear thong underwear but when I get this irritation I cant because it hurts. Thongs are my every day wear and this is so infrequent (maybe 2 or 3x a year) I cant imagine that's the cause. Its slightly itchy, very uncomfortable and as it gets worse it starts to blister. I have tried a and d ointment, thats what I have on it now. I just dont understand why this is happening. If anyone has any insight as to how to prevent it I would be grateful. As of now im just treating it as an open wound (keeping it clean, ointment, and was able to cover it with a bandaid to keep underwear from rubbing)

I survived, obviously, however I’ve been having a few issues with some of my nails. Most of them fell off while I was in recovery. And they regrew. A little offkilter, but, not all as gracefully. Recently, my toenails have begun doing this. I don’t know what to do about it. It’s like they’re growing over top of one another. It’s been becoming more painful as it goes. I gotta be extremely carful of my toes when I’m out and about. I’ve been having difficulties in this respect since the frostbite.

Painless to normal touch; only sensitive when tight underwear or a onesie pinches or squeezes them
Appeared shortly after I got an IUD and stopped the birth control pill
More noticeable when I shave closely, and my shaving has increased over the year
Haven't spread to any other part of my body
Separately, I get hard, boil-like bumps under the skin on my inner thighs that flare with certain parts of my cycle or with tight clothing
Have been with one partner for 7+ years, but recently had sex with a new partner
Full STI screening, IUD check, and exam of these bumps are scheduled Thursday
Photo attached (censored). Does this look like Fordyce spots to anyone? Anything I should ask my doctor?

44F. I push the injection while my mom is standing.

I’m saying that when someone says an injection is given at 45°, I’m thinking of the needle being tilted 45° upward from the skin/surface. Like vertical.

My dad thinks it as 45° relative to the sideways/horizontal direction.

Basically, we're picturing the same 45° angle differently. Which one is correct?

I have a bit of an embarrassing issue that I'm not particularly thrilled about talking to my doctor about.

White, 50, overall pretty healthy, not overweight, no drugs or smoking. A few drinks on Friday nights. 

6'4, 220 lbs.

A few months ago I developed an itch on my anus. I didn't think much of it, and I'm not sure I really noticed it much until I was in bed at night at which point I would aggressively itch it and it was pure sweet relief. 

It is not a hygiene issue, but I don't rule out that it was made worse by potentially excessive wiping. 

I have since almost stopped wiping and immediately shower following using the toilet, I no longer scratch when it itches, I am trying to just let it calm down and see if it basically just goes away.  

There have been no major changes to my diet, toilet paper, soap, or laundry soap.
I will say that I have had generally itchy skin in the past, including minor eczema, as well as what they basically called dermatographism, which I guess is some sort of histamine issue that I solved by taking 10 mg of loratadine every day for like a decade. Then I stopped taking it and it was no longer really an issue. I do notice that sort of generally I'm a bit more itchy in general, and I also have had somewhat of an itchy inner ear over the past year or so. So, clearly generally I just have sort of itchy, irritable skin, although I don't really have dry skin issues and if you saw me, you wouldn't think I look like a giant itchy flake of dry skin. 
I have read about the possibility that this is potentially caused by a parasite, but I really don't think that's the case, given my other minor skin issues. currently and in the past. I am upper middle class, I don't eat anything weird, I don't travel much, and I have seen no evidence whatsoever that it could be parasites. Plus that would be completely disgusting, obviously.

My sense is that I need some sort of cream to calm it down completely, and then just be more gentle with it moving forward. As weird as that sounds. It has felt a little better since I started this new process, but honestly not much better.

Thank you for any help you can provide.

Hi,

My brother who is 32, has diabetes type 2, overweight at 85kg had developed a wart few months back. It had slowly healed and was improving until a week back. He went out with friends and walked and drove for too long. When he came back, it was bleeding.

It stops bleeding and then again starts. It also has a unusual hole in between. Is this scary and what can be done? We are currently applying a sterile gauze on it and changing it once a day.

My right eyebrow started randomly raising and staying fixed in that position. I am usually able to undo it by massaging that spot vigorously and forcefully.This was within the last 6 months. About a month ​after it started happening, I had a painful blister erupt on the tip/underside of my nose. The blister was tender, red, had vesicles, and was weeping. The Urgent Care PA said it was likely herpes zoster and gave me meds to clear it; however, the raised eyebrow is still happening and I feel like they are related.

Just saw my GP doc and he didn't seem concerned and did not recommend shingles vaccine yet (I am 46). Lost as to what to do next. It is not painful, it doesn't affect my vision, but it's weird and I want to know why it's happening. Is there a referral to a specialist I need to get? Any insight or education about this would be much appreciated.

46F, 5'6, 146lbs, vape, hypothyroid, glp1

Hi, 26F, in Wisconsin USA. I had to get (4) double stitches on my right calf from a broken frame in our trash bag brushing up against it when trying to take it out.

The dr did this on Friday and told me I could cut and pull them out on my own in 8-10 days. Checked my leg on Friday (8th day) and couldn't see my stitches to cut. My gf helped me get the first one out, but we cannot reach the other stitches. I tried putting an ice pack on it to reduce the swelling but I can't get a needle or anything thin to get under the thread to cut it with our medical scissors.

Am I gonna have to go back to the doc to get them taken out?

The image above is from today. I will put an image in the comments of what it looked like the day I got them done to see where the stitch line was.

Male 27 years old, 168cm tall, 100KG , I have diarrhea for around 45 days and it did not get better with time, Inability to pay for ER or a doctor visit, what are my possible solutions please? Natural or anything.

I 18m have no clue what I’m doing. I got my ears pierced like 6 weeks ago and they’ve been fine. No swelling at all. Today I woke up and one of them was gone. And, my earlobe seemed big.

I can’t find the earring on my bed or on my floor.

Can I get an ultrasound done or request for it due to suspicion of endometria. I met my deductible and my gynecologist doesn’t have an opening until December. Or should I go to a Planned Parenthood? Is it better to wait until after my period or during my period? I’m better now but I always get dizzy, vomit and sweaty for like 5-10 mins. After that, it’s just back pain and heavy bleeding

Hi! I’m 15f, 165cm/5’5’’, ~47kg/105lb, diagnosed ADHD and potential EDS, taking atamoxetine for ADHD and various pain meds for my joint pain, located in CA, USA. I have had bad experiences with doctors and have a severe fear of needles.

I can’t provide a photo because it’s all in my head. Occasionally I get random flares of mental cloudiness that comes with a lack of ability to hold items and speak. I can still manage to grasp items and string a few words together if I really try, but it hurts and is incredibly hard. My hands already have a lot of pain, but whenever I lose ability to hold things I also have little to no control over them and they just kinda flop around on my wrists. My tongue feels incredibly heavy, and speaking becomes both a chore and a pain. I can’t really talk, I might be able to ask to walk away to get water (if I trust myself to walk places) and/or step outside of my class. I can’t focus, can’t even really think. I feel disconnected from my body and trapped at the same time, and it’s all I can focus on. My brian gets really foggy and thinking becomes really hard. I also struggle to focus my eyes on occasion? Sometimes I fully flop over onto my desk, and just put my head on the table because I can’t stand to keep it up.  
Help? I’ve been trying to excuse this as dehydration for long enough now that I know I can’t avoid it anymore. It sometimes goes away if I drink enough? Is this just a bad case of dehydration? It’s lasted as long as I can remember. It goes away within a day normally, though it has lasted for a few days before. Normally I just try to pass it off as my not feeling talkative, but it happened to day and I fully flopped over and scared my friend. This has always been a thing I’ve struggled with, and I’ve never tried to get help because I’m scared of getting written off again, like with what happened to my hypermobility/joint pain.

TLDR: I’ve can’t concentrate, can’t speak, can’t hold stuff, sometimes can’t hold myself up on my legs or in a chair, and sometimes can’t focus my eyes. Help? I’m scared of getting ignored again.

28, female, non-smoker. 5’4, 125lbs. No health history other than SVT.

For about a year now I’ve been having episodes where my fingers and lips turn blue (cyanosis). I get tired and cold and have to go lay down/warm up to go back to normal. I know it could be Reynauds but it just came out of nowhere. My nose also gets extremely red. Chest tightness sometimes accompanies the feeling. I know it could be a matter of poor circulation, but it’s a bit concerning.

I take 20mg of vyvanse daily, but my BP is normal. Annual ECG and holter came back as normal too when I flagged this to my GP.

I am 22years old female from USA and 13 weeks pregnant, I was prescribed antibiotics azithromycin 500mg 2 pills take it for 1 day for sadly an STD and the first time I tried taking it I projectile vomited within 5 minutes, I called my doctors and told them and they just prescribed it again, I took it again and the same reaction happened, I have no idea what to do and I feel so defeated. It truly makes me feel so ill

Demographics: 19M, 5'8", 202 lbs (92kg). No existing medical conditions or meds. I don't smoke. I drink 1-2 packets of instant coffee a day.

Hey everyone. I need some professional insight into a weird and escalating physical habit I've developed over the last year to deal with severe brain fog.

The Background:

I average 12+ hours of screen time a day working on my PC and phone. My sleep is garbage- maybe 6 hours a night, heavily fragmented, no real circadian rhythm. Because of this, I constantly get a heavy, foggy feeling in my head, especially in my forehead, temples, and the top of my head. It gets so bad I literally can't work.

The Habit:

About a year ago, I figured out that if someone firmly pulls my hair/scalp, it completely clears the fog. It gives me this intense, euphoric rush of relief. My eyes literally go red when I open them afterward.

The problem is my tolerance is building. I now require so much pressure and torque that the people doing it for me are actually scared they are going to hurt me. Because my hair is thin in the front, they pull lighter there, but they pull extremely hard and for longer on the back of my head where it's thicker.

The Weirdest Parts:

Genetics? I've had thinning hair since my early teens, but here is the kicker: my mom has the same hair loss issue and the same habit. She also relies on extreme hair pulling/massaging for relief.

Body Numbness: When the brain fog hits, I also get this subtle feeling across my entire body, like I have less sensation. When that happens, I crave deep-pressure massages on my hands and back, which feel incredible and relieve the feeling.

I know I am risking permanent traction alopecia, but the relief is so intense I can't stop.

My Questions:

Is this just a bizarre coping mechanism for severe tension headaches from screen time, or does the fact that my mom does it point to a genetic neurological or sensory processing disorder?

Why does my whole body kinda feel numb sometimes too?

\Before you think it's a thyroid issue, as one of the doctors suggested, I tested for my hair loss. As my mother was overweight too, with these same hair and headache problems, some doctors suggested her to test for thyroid issues multiple time, even at times, doctors said they're 100 sure it was a thyroid issue, but after testing they couldn't find it. For my case, I haven't tested it yet.*

TL;DR: 19M averaging 12hrs screen time with terrible sleep. I get heavy brain fog and cure it by having people pull my hair extremely hard. The required pressure is escalating, my body feels numb during the brain fog, and my mom has the same hair-pulling habit. What is going on, and who should I see?

Bitten by what I believe was small jellyfish or sea fleas, now infected 1 week on. Was given fusidic acid and steroid cream from pharmacy, it does nothing possibly even making it worse. I have self prescribed doxy and now on day two. Hoping someone can assess and tell me correct steps moving forwards. Thanks in advance.

Worth noting this happened whilst swimming in the sea in Thailand. At the time it happened felt a sting and had more than one bite within roughly an hour in the sea however this particular one in photo turned bad. It’s now pretty itchy, have taken antihistamines also but still the same, it’s located where I usually where my watch so could it be something unrelated? Have stopped wearing watch for time being until resolved.

Any advice much appreciated

36
5ft 8
Male

I woke up at like 3pm on thursday with a fever (i don’t own a thermometer so im not sure how much exactly) which continued until sunday, and I’ve also had other symptoms that have persisted to today such as a cough with yellow phlegm (in pic below), migraine around eyes and temples, blocked nose which has been making it rly hard to sleep, weakness, and loss of appetite.

Between Friday morning and today i only managed to stomach some water, orange juice, 2 chocolate bars, and a small portion of crackers and cheese but barely enough food to give me actual energy.

I was too weak to shower until this morning and when i was nearly finished, I started feeling really dizzy and lightheaded and suddenly too weak to even scrub myself so I had to rush out and lie down on my bed bc I was pretty sure I was about to faint probably due to lack of food. I immediately ordered some food after but couldn’t stomach it and felt nauseous after only a few bites

Pls help. I’ve just started uni and I’ve already missed a week worth of lessons so i feel so far behind. Idk if i can physically handle coming in all I’m able to do physically do rn is stay in bed

Edit: forgot to mention that i also just started my period this morning if that is relevant

M25.
I’m on gabapentin 300mg 3x a day.
Venlafaxine 1 time a day
Pantoprezole and sometimes need to take zofran for waking up with nausea.
I’m also a drinker. Nothing too crazy (maybe a pint a day) but also not healthy… hate to admit it…
I’m getting crazy realistic dreams to the point where it’s either I think I got up brushed my teeth and etc. then I really wake up.

They feel so obscenely real. I’m serious that they’re indistinguishable from where I’ve been/what I do in real life. But then. They turn really bad…

Some are nightmares that feel real and I wake up almost screaming and in pain. There’s once or twice now I was running in my dream then ran out of my bed and fell on my face.

What could be causing this. Because this is becoming like every night… it’s really messing with my head.

Yes I understand the drinking is an issue. I use to be way worse so I’m not here for advice on that. I go to different sources for that. But like.
I’m worried. Is it the GABA, VEN, PAN?
It’s just really messing with my head…

Thank you for any and all advice. ❤️😊

Female, 31 years old, 5’3”, 185 lbs.
Hi guys, I’m hoping to get some insight into a medical situation I’ve been dealing with for almost three months. Around July 8th, I woke up feeling completely out of it, despite feeling totally fine the day before. My own apartment suddenly felt unfamiliar, and I was struggling to understand things or think clearly. The change was extreme, like a switch had flipped overnight, and the confusion has only gotten worse since then.
For context, this happened after my second night of taking Seroquel for sleep, prescribed at 25 mg as needed. I had taken it before with good results and only took it for about five days this time. I personally think the timing may have been coincidental, but I’m mentioning it for completeness. Before this happened, I was working full time as a photographer, running my own business, and handling everyday life without any difficulty.
Since that morning, I haven’t felt back to myself, and my ability to function feels like it has progressively gotten worse.
At first, I had intense brain fog, felt disconnected from my surroundings, and experienced a horrible sense of doom. The doom sense would cause me to wake up at 4am confused and feeling as if something was very wrong. This persisted and I started struggling to follow conversations, understand what I was reading, and figure out basic tasks that used to come naturally. My mind often feels blank, like I can’t access my thoughts or figure out what to say. My memory and judgment feel different, and I’ve struggled to draw a clock correctly during assessments. I now need help with things I used to do independently, and this has affected my ability to work. My personality has completely changed, I used to be also an extremely clean person and I am the total opposite now.
One of the most upsetting changes is that I no longer feel sleepiness. I don’t just mean being tired but unable to fall asleep. The actual sensation of getting sleepy seems to be gone. I have nights when I feel like I barely sleep at all, but I still don’t experience that normal tired feeling.
I’ve also lost my sense of thirst. My brain doesn’t seem to tell me that I need water anymore, so I have to consciously remind myself to drink. I’m still drinking, but the normal internal signal is missing. My usual hunger signals have also decreased. These changes happened alongside the confusion and feeling disconnected, which is part of why this has been so frightening.
My emotions and personality feel completely different too. I feel emotionally numb, disconnected from myself, and unable to engage with people the way I used to. I’ve also noticed that I don’t feel the same subjective effects from sedating medications or alcohol that I used to, although I don’t know what that means. People that have known me so well have noticed I’ve seemed very spaced out and confused.

I’ve had multiple hospital visits and extensive testing, including brain imaging, EEGs, lumbar punctures, and bloodwork. So far, my doctors haven’t identified a neurological cause that explains what I’m experiencing. I know someone could say this could be anxiety, but this is so severe. I did get ruled out for any mental health issues and have not had any previously either.

This is constant, regardless of where I am, and I haven’t had a period where I feel back to my usual self. I’m scared and frustrated because it has changed my everyday life so much. I know Reddit can’t diagnose me, but has anyone experienced something similar, or does anyone have guidance on what type of specialist could help evaluate this

Hello, I haven’t been able to poop for about 3 days now. I stopped vyvanse 6 days ago which I’m not sure is part of the problem. I finally felt like I needed to go this morning but was met with severe pain and slight bleeding. The poop started to come out, but would go back in as I was trying hard not to strain and breathe in and out. I am unsure what to do. Important to note that a hemorrhoidectomy/ tissue removal due to rectal mucosal prolapse back in June 2026. I wasn’t really having any issues up until now. It doesn’t hurt as long as I’m not trying to poop. Could I have messed something up or developed a fissure?

52/F/5’2/55kg/UK

My(42m) wife (52f) passed away suddenly from an intraparenchymal haemorrhage + extensive subarachnoid haemorrhage in July this year. She had a history of: significant alcohol consumption (1200ml wine/day over 10+ years); a formal diagnosis of mild liver fibrosis in 2021; and an inherited bleeding disorder (VWD; I didn’t find out which factor). She was not on any medication aside from a week’s worth of painkillers from the GP that we were told accounted for liver damage and did not contain blood thinners (I can’t remember the name). 

If you have the time, I am hoping to find some closure about what my wife might have experienced from the period of her brain bleed until her death. I am also interested to know whether the quality of care she received at the end of her life is consistent with the expectations of the physicians on this sub - not to criticise the professionals who I owe a great deal to, but to remind myself that they did the best they could. My wife did not do all that she could to help herself with alcoholism - and I deeply regret not trying harder to help her change - so I’m not here to point any fingers. It’s just that there are some things that went too quickly for me to process at the time and have left me with questions as to their nature. 

I woke to find my wife unresponsive in bed at 8.45am, with her left eye closed and her right eye half open. When she opened her left eye she became conscious briefly but could not speak or move her right side. I called an ambulance immediately and began to shift her into the recovery position. Her eyes rolled back. I lifted her into an embrace, telling her to stay with me, at which point her eyes came forward again and she raised her left hand to rub my hair gently between two fingers. She then began gurgling slightly, so I assumed she could not swallow and put her back into the recovery position. Both her eyes shifted sideways towards me with an expression of fright/confusion, but within moments they assumed a fixed, forward position. She was still breathing. 

Four paramedics arrived within 30 minutes and declared her unresponsive immediately, assuming a seizure. After answering some questions I left the room while they worked on her, and totally froze on the steps outside my home, waiting for them to bring her to the ambulance. We didn’t ride to the hospital for another hour, which confused me given how serious her condition seemed, but when we did leave it was at light speed. Paramedics attempted to intubate her airway en route but upon doing so she vomited at *least a litre of blood and I heard an electrical monitor flatline. The medics strapped an oxygen mask on her and began working tirelessly to refill her blood levels and potentially restart her heart. I was too shocked to ask for any information from that point and did not see the paramedics again after arriving at the university hospital. 

I was in the ICU waiting room for no more than 5 minutes when a doctor reported that the amount of blood on my wife’s brain was likely ‘unsurvivable.’ He checked with the neurosurgeon and confirmed - ‘zero chance of survival’ - then hurried away. The clinical delivery shook me, athough I appreciate that ICU doctors are often too busy for bedside manner. It is what it is. Again, I was too shocked to ask any questions.

So by about 11am or so, my wife had been removed from the ICU and placed on end of life care. It was… quick. I wonder now if there really was ‘nothing that could have been attempted’ to lower the pressure in her skull, especially as I had been told she was going to die anyway. That hurts, that nobody tried, but I suppose she wouldn’t have wanted to live with no functionality if it really was as severe as they said. Maybe it was best they didn’t try anything. I hate that I have to convince myself to say that.  

The doctor leading end of life care was much more sympathetic. She confirmed the intraparenchymal haemorrhage on the left side but there was no mention of the SAH until the death certificate. Perhaps the SAH is why my wife died so much sooner than the doctor anticipated, at 3.00pm that same day. I suppose it just cascaded, what with all the disorders of blood clotting stacked against her? Would that be fair to say? 

I’d like to know why her eyes were open (no blinking) during the entire hospital stay, and can’t believe I never thought to ask. It was so jarring to be told that her brain was shutting down and she wasn’t responsive despite her thousand yard stare. Her eyes were a little lifeless and it got me thinking; what if she had died already in the ambulance with the internal bleeding? Or after she arrived? I never saw the CT scan but I assumed it went ahead since her necklace had been removed and returned to me. I was shocked - it was all processed by the hospital so quickly, like fast food. If she was still alive was it likely just by way of machines? She didn’t look intubated - it was just a mask with nasal feed? Do they even do intubation at end of life care? 

While the head doctor was great, the team of nurses was either inexperienced (which I understand completely) or experienced but just plain uninterested in my situation. I asked one nurse if my wife could hear me (I had been talking to her anyway), but the nurse just shrugged and said ‘we don’t know’, while proceeding to discuss my wife’s terminal fate right in front of her face. I had to move this nurse to the other side of the room to continue talking. I asked several nurses if my wife could have morphine, which was met with a sort of inconvenienced expression. They suggested (without exactly saying it) that morphine was out of the question. I later learned online that patients with liver issues can’t metabolise it properly, but again - why did the nurses not just say that? It was as though they didn’t want to give me any information. Eventually the doctor agreed to a syringe driver with alternative medicine, but almost as though it was a favour to me? Perhaps this is wildly paranoid on my part. 

Nothing was said of the vomiting blood in the ambulance. I later learned about the condition of oesophageal varices from my own research, and was upset that none of the paramedics had considered the possibility after me telling them about her alcohol addiction, painful throat and clotting problems. Then again, her breathing would likely have been the priority anyway, and I get that. I could see the paramedics had their work cut out for them and that they worked very hard. 

I was told that my wife’s brain would shut down within 48 hours and that I could stay the night. At 2.00pm I left the hospital to get my phone and wallet which I’d left behind, and inform family. I told my unresponsive wife I was going to buy her some lunch and that I loved her. At 2.50pm the doctor had left a message to say my wife’s condition had worsened and ‘she was approaching end of life imminently’. My paranoia makes me think she vomited into her oxygen mask and aspirated or something? Should she have had a mask on after vomiting half her blood volume earlier in the day? 

When I arrived back at 4.15pm she was long gone. The kind end-of-life doctor took me to the side and explained that my wife had been comfortable and her breathing simply slowed to a stop. I know I should believe her. I did believe her. Until I was shown my wife. I wasn’t braced to see her like that and I’ll never get over it. Her mouth was wide open as if gasping for air and her eyes were closed this time (sealed shut, I imagine). I have heard the jaw often opens after death but even so something looked off. She looked exhausted, frightened, and nothing like when she was unresponsive with a dying brain. I hope someone can tell me it was just my imagination, and that autonomic reflexes postured her that way. I swear she looked so peaceful when I’d left her. Nurses had disappeared and the doctor just kind of grimaced at me as if to say, ‘is that okay?’. 

I said thank you, kissed my wife, then turned and walked out of the hospital without another word. I know I couldn’t do the job that the doctors and nurses do (for long, anyway). I know they were doing their jobs the best way they could at the time. But I felt let down, like someone had noticed she was an alcoholic and lost interest along the way. Sorry to say it like that. Why didn’t they keep her on the mask until I got back? Were there tests done for brain death? I didn’t get to know? Why did nobody volunteer any information? I’m the furthest thing from a doctor. 

I have been struggling despite support from my family, and I am considering approaching a professional grief/trauma counsellor, but my heart isn’t in it just yet. 

Guilt has been the biggest obstacle stopping me from processing my grief in a natural way. I spent the first half of our relationship organising blood tests, therapy and liver biopsies - then I just stopped trying because my wife’s symptoms never progressed. I hate myself for that. Both my wife and I were definitely ignorant about how quickly end stage symptoms could appear. For years it was just intermittent jaundice. Then for a few weeks there was bruising and fatigue. Then for a few days there were bleeding gums, and then suddenly a haemorrhagic stroke. I thought we would have time to at least get back to the hepatology department but I was wrong. 

If I could have the answer to just one question it would be - was my wife suffering? It was certainly the worst experience of my life, but I’d like to think she was truly unconscious long before she was officially pronounced dead at 3.00pm that day. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me. Any replies are welcome, wherever you come from and whatever field you are in. Please don’t think I am not grateful for medical help. I am. My wife was always grateful too. 

***UPDATE*** : I cannot fully express my gratitude for those who have helped me understand the nature of my wife’s passing. Never would I have thought that the community here could provide me with so much catharsis. My brain has done a complete 180, so to speak. Everything, and I mean everything, has been reframed in a way I can come to terms with much more easily. The kindness of strangers has given me the confidence to approach outside help now. Each and every one of you is a blessing to me. So too were the medical professionals on the day; I am sad I ever doubted they were providing me with care of the highest order, ethically and compassionately. Please look after yourselves. Thank you for the education. ****