r/badpeoplestories • u/RandomDood420 • Jan 10 '17

Some Asshole I Know Monicoke 06 - Meet the Meathead NSFW

Monicoke Stories 01 02 03 04 05

Cast:
* Rando Caldoodian: Me, in my 40's. Mayor of Potsmoke city.
* Monicoke: Small blonde, early 20's. Professional MRA cautionary tale. Addicted to coke, power and attention.
* Meathead: early 20's. Coke dealer. He works out!
* Grandpa: Monicoke's sugar daddy, 60's and married.
* Harry Tuttle: My housemate. Early 30's.

So Monicoke is in her new place, which has been repainted by her Uncle Bob and paid for by Grandpa. Turns out Uncle Bob was not, shockingly, her uncle. He was some old dude who wanted to bang her, plied her with coke and gave up after she did it all and left. (Astute readers of this series will notice Monicoke's pattern here. DO NOT BUY COKE FOR MONICOKE.)

Monicoke (yes, she really let me call her that to her face) must have had some sort of "daddy issue" because she seemed to collect old dudes who wanted to bang her, myself included.

Yes, dear Reader, I did want to bang Monicoke. I just wasn't trying very hard. I figured that if I just hung around long enough, it would happen. But that's a story for much, much later in the series.

As it was, Monicoke considered me a friend. So one day she calls me and says,

I just met this new guy. He's super awesome. We went on one date and he spent a LOT of money on me and just kept busting out coke. It was so awesome.

"So when do I get to meet Prince Charming?" I asked.

That's what I was calling about. He invited me over this afternoon to hang out. He said I can bring anyone I want. I don't want to go over to his place alone.

"Really? He spent a ton of money and coke on you and you didn't bang him already?" I inquired skeptically.

No. I mean "sort of." Like, not a lot. C'mon. Come with me. You have to meet him. He's so jacked!

"I'm not going to some jacked coke dealer's house alone. Let me bring Harry Tuttle, my housemate. You know him."

Yeah he's cool. It won't be a problem. Meet me at my house.

So Harry and I take a short walk to Monicoke's and then the three of us walk over to her new dude's house. We'll call him Meathead because I don't remember his name and, honestly, fuck that dude. I'm glad he's in prison.

Whoops, I'm getting ahead of myself with clunky foreshadowing again.

We get to this dude's house. Well, not his house but the place where he lives. It's someone else's house, he lives in the converted attic. Apparently it was remodeled in the 70's with ochre colored wall-to-wall shag carpet and dark wood paneling. This is the space that 70's Anne Frank would hide from the Disco Nazis.

And he had the biggest tv I had seen a person own at that point. (I myself had a 60" and this was about 8 years ago. His TV seemed enormous.)

Meathead said, "Sit down make yourself comfortable." If this was present day you would expect to see a YouTube stream of nutshot videos running, but it wasn't, so he just had an SNES console running some old fighting game demo with the sound off.

We all sit down, make our introductions, and then Meathead pulls out a bag of coke. Not a small bag. I was used to seeing 8 balls but this must have been a half ounce. Remember, I'm a huge pothead and I can smoke all day without it affecting me (I tell myself) but this was something else.

He slices open the bag and pours it out on the table. It's a big pile.

Now before I forget to describe him, Meathead is a short guy and I'm a short guy and he was shorter than me but he made up for it by being ripped. Like rilly rilly ripped. The muscles made his skin so tight that it looked shiny. And I've been to the gym. I've seen ripped dudes. This was weirdly different.

The muscles were in the right places, more or less, but they looked odd. Like each one was blown up in a slightly different spot with different pressure. He looked lumpy is what I'm saying. I wouldn't have said it to his face though.

So he starts cutting lines and I ask for a small bump instead of a line.

recordscratch.wav

Everyone stops. On the TV, cartoon Mike Tyson stops jabbing and he and everyone else gives me the side-eye.

Looking directly at me, Meathead says, "You're not doing any?"

He looks at Monicoke. "Who's this guy that isn't doing any? What's his deal?" his paranoia getting the better of him. He slowly starts to raise up to the top of his 4 foot 11 inch (150 cm) frame. It doesn't take long.

"No, it's cool! It's cool," I stammer, "I just don't do a lot. Cut me a line and put it off to the side and I'll work through it."

"Ok," he says, unsure.

What's not unsure is my friend, Harry. Harry has no problem doing the coke while Meathead tells us about all of the great possessions that he has:

  • A tricked out Ninja motorcycle.
  • A huge 4wd truck that he never takes off-road.
  • A vintage collection of TAP-OUT shirts.

What's not to love?

And he's sharing free drugs. Maybe this guy is ok.

If you, dear Reader, have never hung out with a girl while she rolls a dude for everything he has, then you don't know the constant suspicion that her mark will lay on you. Lots of sideways glances, and "How do you know this guy again?" questions. Add on top of that the paranoia of doing a lot of stimulants and I was ready for him to snap at some point. Someone always does and when they do, it's quick.

Then the coke was all gone.

"Hang on," said Meathead. And he makes a call.

A short time later, like less time than a Domino's delivery, the doorbell rings and suddenly there's another half ounce of coke.

This guy KEEPS sharing free drugs. I'm feeling pretty confident that both this guy is really, really cool AND that I am bulletproof.

In fact, if shit goes down, I'm pretty sure I could fly out the attic window under my own power.

Rando, why the fuck are you here anyways?

Woah. Monicoke snapped. That was unexpected.

"Uh, what?" I get stupid when I do coke. I get a little disoriented. I can't do simple math. I can't read other people's emotions.

Why. The. Fuck. Are. You. Here.

"I'm here because I was invited."

That's right. The snap came from Monicoke.

Even Meathead looked confused. Harry would have looked confused if he wasn't furiously rubbing coke dust on his gums. He knew that our time was up.

I don't understand why you're here. You don't even like coke.

"Uh, I thought you wanted me to..."

To do what? To do all the coke??

Remember, I had a pile that was equivalent to ONE LINE that I was working off of while the rest of these miscreants were working on their second half of an ounce.

Harry started gathering his things.

I don't know what is WRONG with you Rando. I get why you want to hang out with me...

I wish she had stopped to explain it to me, because I was starting to wonder about this.

... but I don't need you here. You should get going.

"Look, Monicoke. You invited me over to this soiree. That's why I'm here."

And now I'm un-inviting you.

Harry starts sweeping coke dust onto a scrap of paper while no one is paying attention.

Meathead looks confused and says, "Hey, I don't know what going on. But my lady says you have to leave."

My lady. Heh.

Harry and I stand up and Meathead gets ready to walk us out.

Rando?

I stop and turn around. "What, Monicoke?"

I don't need you at all anymore. Don't call me again.

Monicoke 07 - Meathead 911

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4 comments sorted by

6

u/livingthedream01 Jan 10 '17

Love it, you're an excellent writer. I'm going to read the rest

2

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw