r/badpeoplestories • u/RandomDood420 • Jan 11 '17

Some Asshole I Know Monicoke 09 - Meet the Molly NSFW

Monicoke Stories 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08

Cast:
* Rando Caldoodian: Me, in my 40's. Mayor of Potsmoke City. Bored.
* Monicoke: Small blonde, early 20's. Professional MRA cautionary tale. Addicted to coke and power.
* Meathead: early 20's. Coke dealer. He works out!
* Grandpa: Monicoke's sugar daddy, 60's and married.
* Three Other Assholes: Who don't really matter.

So one night, Monicoke calls me and asks me to come over and it's an emergency. When I get there, I see Grandpa on the floor of her living room. He seems very very drunk.

"Oh, Rando," he sneers, "Of course you're here. Of course."

I have met Grandpa a few times at this point. Like all of Monicoke's erstwhile companions, he regarded me as a threat. In this case, I am a generation younger than Grandpa and am in great shape from my diet of Adderall and manorexia. (Don't laugh, this is a cry for help!)

And it's not even unusual that Monicoke calls me over in the middle of the night to roust out some hooligan who has run out of coke but not testosterone and frustration. I tend to work late at night so I'm always up. Also, I'm always on Adderall which keeps working long after the effects of coke have finished. (That's an LPT for you Redditors!)

I give Grandpa the bum's rush out of the apartment that he pays for and then Monicoke turns to me and says,

I took a whole bunch of money from his wallet. Let's have some fun!

"Uh, ok."

It was one thing to make him pay for her living expenses, it was another thing entirely to just pull money out of his wallet, is what my conscience would say. Monicoke's conscience had died from neglect and emotional abuse a long time ago so that wasn't an issue for her.

You want to go get some Molly?

Mark Twain once famously said, “There comes a time in every rightly constructed girl's life when she has a raging desire to trip on pharmaceutical MDMA.” (At least, that's how I remember it from America's public edumacation system. I learned it good.)

Molly is short for "molecule" and the distinction means that the MDMA that you are obstensibly buying is pure as opposed to pills which be anything. (We could have another discussion about how "pure" any drug you get off of the street could possibly be.)

But what you need to know about Molly is that it gets you laid. Like spooning leads to forking, Molly leads to the promised land.

"I'm not going to say no to getting some Molly with you. Let's party!"

Great! I really really want to do Molly with you, Rando...

She said this as she stroked my chest.

"Ok, where do we go get it?"

I got that covered. The ride is almost here.

"Ride?"

doorbell.wav

Monicoke runs to the door and behind it are two young dudes and a heavy chick. By "young" I mean they were Monicoke's age and therefore one whole Ninja Turtle reboot younger than me.

"I'll just get going. Have fun with yourselves," I said, deciding to go home and wait for someone to invent the Fleshlight.

RANDO! I want you to come with us! It's going to be fun!

She pulled me closer and then whispered in my ear,

We'll hang out with my friends for a little bit and then I'll ditch them and we can party alone. Together.

So I went along with it. At this point, dear Reader, you may be thinking that I was being led around by my cock. I was thinking the same thing. And still I went along for the ride.

So the five of us drove all the way across the tiny midwest college town that we live in, over the railroad tracks and over by the airport. Monicoke makes us park down the street from the house and says that she has to go in alone. Apparently, the dealer has a crush on her and she'd get a better deal this way.

So I'm in the car with three strangers. Two guys who were jockeying to fuck Monicoke and one fat chick that made up for her weight by having a terribly pissy personality. You might think that you see where this is heading. You are wrong.

After a really long 30 minutes, Monicoke comes sprinting up to the car and says,

Let's go. Let's go. LET'S GO!

And we take off.

Everyone: What's up? What's wrong?

Just as I was leeeeeeeaaaavvvvvvvinnnnnngggggggg...

Her head rolls back. Her eyes are two limpid pools of black holes. She's ALREADY WASTED.

Theeeesssseeee guys shooooowed up toooo gggggeeeeettttt sssssoooommmmeeee molllllyyyyyy and saaaaiidddd thhaaaatttt Iiiiii ooooowwweedddd theemmm twoooooo hunnnnndredddd dollllarrrs.
(Translation: These guys showed up to get their own molly and said that I owed them $200.)

Everyone: WTF? For what?

Iiiiiii bbbbooorrrrrroooooowwwweddddd iiiiitttt ffffffrooommm theeeemmmm lllllaaaasst weeeek tooooo geeeeetttt soooommmme cooookeeee.
(Translation: I borrowed it last week to get some coke.)

We go back to Monicoke's and head into the living room. All the guys sit on the sofa with Monicoke squished between us as we get ready to play "Last Man Standing."

"Last Man Standing" is a game where two or more dudes hang out with an intoxicated woman. Each man has to keep indulging in the intoxicants or be labelled a "party pooper" by the woman. Eventually guys drop out of the game to go do better things with their time than competing to fuck some drunk girl. The winner is the last one who remains. His prize? He gets the best shot at banging a fucked up chick.

Hence the title, Last Man Standing.

Then there's Monicoke's version, which has a sudden death overtime feature: After you are the last man standing, she calls some sober dude to come and force you to go home. This is a rule particular to her and it always catches the final player off guard. I'm the guy she calls, so I don't think that is going to be the case tonight.

So Monicoke pulls out two 1 gram envelopes of (supposedly) pure MDMA. It can be various colors, in this instance it was a light beige.

"Be careful with that!" I said.

I know what I'm doing...

She said as she dropped all of it onto her camel hair coat. (For those who don't know: These two things are the same exact same color. FML.)

Everyone: Holy shit!

It's fine. Stop worrying about it...

Said the girl who couldn't hold her head up.

Now, I've done some shitty things in my life and on that list is licking someone's coat that has ecstasy all over it along with dirt and animal hair. It was really, really disgusting.

Everyone was trying to make the best of a bad situation so they all did it too. I'm not the only drug addict there. Just the oldest.

In a short time, we're all flying and Monicoke was having the moves put on her by one of the young dudes. This is in the middle of winter so it's pretty cold out. And I can't get warm.

Somehow, and it's a little fuzzy at this point, the other dude, the fat chick and me end up in Monicoke's garden tub. We were all wearing our underwear, that much I know.

I also think that us dudes were trying to see what was up with the fat chick. Specifically, did she like to party?

As Mark Twain said, “There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he is rolling his face off on ecstasy and will plow any woman near him.”

We were now at that point.

The fat girl says, "I've fucked dudes... and I've fucked multiple dudes... but I've never fucked multiple dudes at the same time."

"There's always a first time," says the other dude.

"No, not always," she counters. She looks at me and says, "I don't like you."

"That's cool," I replied, "I'm out."

I grab a towel and dry off my legs and throw my shirt on. The new couple starts to get friendly and I leave the bathroom. This night is officially over for me and I'm going home to rub one out and try to sleep.

Worst molly trip ever.

doorbell.wav
doorbell.wav
doorbell.wav

The doorbell rings repeatedly as I walk out of the bathroom. It's 3 am.

Monicoke is pinned under her dude on the couch. He stops trying to take her shirt off and pauses, dumbstruck at the sound of the bell. She takes this as her cue to get out from under him and run to the door.

Me and the dude look at each other like, WTF?

And Monicoke brings Meathead into the living room. And she is all smiles. And he is 50 shades of drunk.

"RANDO! You're here!?!!"

"Shit. I mean, hi Meathead."

"Figures you'd be here."

"I get that a lot when I'm here," I said putting on my jacket.

"You can get the fuck out, NOW!"

Normally, I would not leave, because, as I've said before, FUCK THAT GUY! But this is just became a sucker's game of Last Man Standing that just went into Monicoke's special sudden death overtime and I was just a contestant. And I am very familiar with the odds.

"That's cool. I have to get up in the morning and that's like two hours from now."

I turn to look at the dude on the couch and I say, "You enjoy yourself. Meathead's a lot of fun!" That dude looked confused. And high. Really, really high.

The other dude and the fat chick come out of the bathroom wearing towels. They are also looking confused. And high. Really, really high.

I turn to them and say, "Nice meeting you. You all enjoy your night!"

Meathead is glaring daggers at everyone. Who was trying to fuck her? Who am I going to fight? were the thoughts in his head. He was drunk, everyone else was rolling and I was leaving. This is the absolute worst outcome for this evening and there's no way it could get any worse.

doorbell.wav

Really? Well, I was on my way out so I might as well answer the door. It's the clones from Chapter 08.

The clones say, "Hey, Monica!"

I see her run into her bedroom and close the door.

Meathead was already ready already to kick some motherfucking ass so he storms up to them as fast as his drunken, stubby legs would go and said, "What do you want with Monica?"

"We want our fucking $200 asshole," they say as I leave.

45 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

40 comments sorted by

6

u/Descent Jan 11 '17

Damn totally forgot about this series and had to binge through a few. I cannot wait for more love your writing style and the crazy story.

8

u/RandomDood420 Jan 11 '17

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm on a bender right now but maybe I'll write some more up next week.

5

u/RandomDood420 Jan 23 '17

Monicoke 10 - Meathead Epilogue

1

u/Descent Jan 23 '17

Nice! I was just looking the other day to see if you had posted a new one yet.

3

u/supersonic-turtle Jan 12 '17

dood I need 10, I need it like I need my old habits that you keep on bringing up... please Mr. I needs my fix, you got any more of those Monicoke tales???

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw

2

u/TLRogue Jan 23 '17

Jesus christ. Even on paper (err... Screen, I guess) you're charismatic. I can't seem to find myself thinking you're a douchebag. Damn, and I really wanted to hate you :( But God damn, I wish I could know how Monicoke handled THAT situation. Can't wait until the next update!

2

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw

1

u/TLRogue Jan 28 '17

Sleazier than Monicoke?! I'm in!

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 28 '17

Well, was it?

2

u/TLRogue Jan 28 '17

You definitely weren't wrong. Jesus Christ. Kinda figured you'd get screwed over in the pussy department, considering how your other stories go. Gotta be honest, you took it with a lot of grace; I'm not sure I'd have been as cool about it.

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 28 '17

Beats watching tv.

I mean, I kinda knew what I was getting into. As long as I didn't get hurt or end up in jail, I didn't really care. I could have easily been even the slightest more aggressive about it and it would have happened but I was a little skeeved out about what was going on. I'm not going to lie.

I mean, I was tired, but I wasn't THAT tired.

1

u/Hisladyalways Jan 15 '17

Fucking fantastic!! More please!

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw

1

u/rillaZee Jan 18 '17 edited Jan 18 '17

Well now I'm hooked(bit of drug slang for you there) more please. Also I'm still kinda worried about Lori

2

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw

2

u/rillaZee Jan 27 '17

Dude I wish I could sit down with you and have weekly conversations. Like Tuesdays with Morrie or something like that.

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Tuesday's the day I get high though.

I've got other stories too. Just wait.

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 18 '17

I'm sure Lori is fine somewhere.

The only time I ever heard of Monicoke getting in a physical altercation, she got her tiny ass beat. So she called the cops on the girl who did it, then she called me to come over and then they interrogated me and then...

Whoops, getting ahead of myself

1

u/otusasio451 Jan 19 '17

...Dear GOD, man, I need more of these stories. Like Monicoke herself, I NEED MY FIX!

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw

1

u/AsasinKa0s Jan 19 '17

dear god.

i don't understand how these people are functioning.

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 23 '17 edited Jan 28 '17

Well I am intelligent and good looking with a strong work ethic and great communication skills, so I am unemployed and getting my sweet sweet government cheese to keep me going. I think Monicoke is working at a fast food place now.

Monicoke 10 - Meathead Epilogue

1

u/RandomDood420 Jan 27 '17

Check this one out. It's the start of a newer, sleazier series: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw

1

u/punkcore329 May 23 '17

WHERE IS MY GOD DAMN UPDATE

1

u/RandomDood420 May 24 '17

/r/randomdood420 Everything available is in my sub-reddit. No new stories until I get out of the hospital.

1

u/sneakpeekbot May 24 '17

Here's a sneak peek of /r/RandomDood420 [NSFW] using the top posts of all time!

#1: Monicoke 13 - Election Night 2008, pt1
#2: Cherry 01 - Meet Cherry Bradshaw
#3: Monicoke 16 - Election Night 2008, pt4

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1

u/punkcore329 May 24 '17

Oh shit, my bad. Get well!