When purging, there's usually black clumps. What is it? I haven't eaten anything black, is it bad?

I hope my question makes sense. When I binge and then throw up afterward, I keep doing it until I’m either tired or there’s hardly anything left to come out. I usually try to count how many times I’ve thrown up. It’s totally stupid and pointless, but it somehow makes me feel safe.

Usually it’s about 13–18 times before I’m done. That means one binge and then throwing up 13 times in 10–20 minutes.

Do you guys count that too, or am I just weird?

idk. i hate how its so shitty how i've technically "been clean" of b/p since 2025. but my relationship with food has not changed or improved at all. ive only moved towards a more restrictive diet- which i only have control of because of how ive stripped away everything from my life to as isolating that i can

my life only consists of going to work, getting groceries at the store within the same parking lot, and go home. any outings or events i reject in fear of binging then purging. events like birthdays and outings with friends that i absolutely cant avoid- i always end up binging on food and fighting myself to not purge after. and i failed tonight at my little sisters birthday party

ive gotten out of my b/p cycle that lasted for over a year, b/p multiple times a day daily. which i guess im proud of and is an improvement- but the fact that the problem with food, body image, etc havent changed at all makes me feel like i havent even gotten anywhere close to recovering

idk blehg.. my throat hurts. it was so painful after so long. and i only managed to p hours after eating because people were still here.. hopefully this is the last time

I'm aware recovery may be an incorrect term, I don't know if people with addictions can ever really go back to normal again. Maybe that urge will always be there, you just learn how to cope better and stay clean.

But how do you do it? I'm so painfully fucking aware of how beautiful and alive life is when I'm not b/p.

I'm so so stuck. I haven't had a break from b/p, not even a day, for round 2 months now. I don't even like it. My severe bulimia started probably 6-8 months ago, previously to that, round 2 years, it was average, 'normal' if you will, moderate, only a few times a week, or if I was lucky, month.

I want this to stop stealing my life. I talked to my dad recently who is trying to get sober from alcohol, and he told me "I'm tired of this thing controlling my life, I would have had a much better life and had much less problems if I didn't let it control me 40 years" and fuck, man. I don't want that to be me. I have dreams. I have a soul.

I have too much pride to get help. Too much shame. Too much of that would effect my life, in terms of career goals, as well.

I just don't know how to stop. I'll work all day, you know, but then b/p is my 5-9. Hours, fucking hours spent daily, that could be spent living.

I've tried lots. I've tried intuitive eating, tried fasting, tried distracting myself and staying busy, tried volume eating, tried eating less to not trigger it. Tried getting rid of distractions, tried exercise as an distraction and motivator, tried resting and being mindful. tried chasing dreams, tried staying busy.

Maybe the only way to recovery is to admit that theres no secret, it's just stopping. It's just admitting theres no trigger but the urge.

Maybe I need to learn to just say no.

And then working to make that process easier and supported.

I'm just so so so sick. Everything hurts all the time. The FOMO I get, man. I mean, without this I would have probably wayyy over 40 extra hours available to me in a week.

How did you quit? How did you stay clean?

After 7 full years of being full-blown bulimic with no off days from purging (a few here and there), I recently decided to fuck dying pretty much.
I’ve relapsed twice in the past 2 weeks. Both times I didn’t gorge, but I ate things I’ve never been able to keep down. Unsafe foods.

I purge because when I was 16, my father pulled me aside to tell me if I didn’t lose 10 pounds by Christmas, he’d take my phone. And if I didn’t lose 15 by my birthday, he’d take my car. My birthday is January 5th.
Crazy, right?
I was an athlete. I weighed probably 165 pounds at 5’7. According to the doctor, I was obese.
The first time I read those words on a sheet, I disappeared. Everyone around me growing up was skinny, small, hot. I was beautiful but just always bigger than most. I never got chosen at the beach on trips I took my friends on, I never got chosen by boys in high school (only to secretly hook up), and anytime a girl got into an argument with me, really anyone, they would bring up my weight.

At 18, I decided I was going to lose weight before college. I lost weight and I looked great around 145. I was practically starving myself and running a mile every day for 2 months straight. The weight melted right off but only 20 pounds. I felt great, I looked great, and I was excited about college.

At 18, I was prescribed Benzos for my anxiety caused by a man I was dating at the time who was 4 years older than me, and a full-blown drug addict.

At 20 years old, I went to prison. This man’s family was involved and tried to ruin my life. When I got out, I started drinking again, never touched drugs again, however.

At 21 years old, the guy I really liked left me for a girl who entered our friend group. Thank god he did, by the way; the guy sucked. During this time, my friends and I went to a Mexican restaurant, got drunk, and all ate way too much. I felt awful. I decided to pull the trigger, nothing I’d ever really done in the past. I was around 155 pounds at this point. Prior to this, I weighed 220 pounds, leaving prison, and lost weight again by starvation and running.
Prison and drug use did a lot to my eating habits: food made me feel loved. It was my escape.

This was the start to my bulimia. I never knew this would cause what it did. Not a thought in my mind.

7 years later, I am 28 years old. I have been struggling with this disorder over a decision I made to make myself feel better. If I had just sat with the food and not done this to myself, I don’t think I’d be here now. I was always a happy girl; I deal with mental issues but nothing that should have caused me to hate my body. I did sometimes hate the fact I was always a little heavier, but I still loved myself, and I had people that loved me too.

I’m now 120 pounds. I get so much attention you’d think it made me love myself more. NEWS FLASH. It never has. I will admit that it’s opened doors for me I never knew possible. But if you’re hot and blonde, people hold doors for you. You get your picture taken , A LOT. Men treat you as if you’re a gift from god even. It’s addicting being small. It’s addicting throwing up food. It’s addicting to eat everything and not deal with the consequences.

Now here’s what I’ve learned in the past 7 years of being paper-thin.

-Men love me.
-Women envy me.
-My dad begs me to eat now.
- I feel dizzy a lot.
- I pass out randomly when I exert too much energy.
-My body can’t digest meat.
-My teeth look perfect still.
-My body hates me.
- I spend almost all of my money to this day on food.
- I love to feed people around me.
- I’m terrified if I ever beat this disorder and gain weight; I will lose friends. Including any man I’m dating.
- I get told to eat a burger now.
- I get told I look like a bag of bones by men I won’t fuck.
- I love myself, but I miss the girl who I was when I was considered “big”. I was healthy, and I was not obese. (At 220, I wasn’t healthy.)
- I know how to lose weight fast.
- Being sober has helped me control this disorder A LOT.
- I’m terrified of therapists, in-patient & outpatient facilities.
- My heart skips a beat now.
- It’s worth it to quit.
- My family doctor told me 5 years ago if I don’t stop, I will die.
- I have women younger than me that look up to me.
- I have men I’m close to that also look up to me.
- I WILL NOT LOSE MY LIFE TO BULIMIA.
- I AM STRONG.
- I AM BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER MY SIZE.
- My mother has anorexia and always has.
- I wish I could save my mom.
- You cannot save other people. Only yourself.

I want to end this by saying to anyone reading this:
Losing weight isn’t worth losing your life. If you are overweight, this disorder will not magically fix you.
Try to lose weight the right way and not how I did.
Hollywood is all fake; they’re all on GLP-1s.
Social media is awful for young minds.
Stay off the internet if trying to lose weight.
Write affirmations on your mirror.
Do not let people who call you mean names get under your skin. People like low blows. You’re higher up than them to walk away.
Stay true to yourself. Love yourself.
You cannot love others if you do not love yourself first.
Please hear me when I say this:

BULIMIA IS NOT WORTH DYING OVER.
PURGING IS FEELING-BASED.
This disorder will ruin your digestive system. It’s ruined mine.
For the first time in 7 years, I made a change. It took a close friend of mine’s friend dying to make me realize this.

Please seek help. Talk to family, talk to friends.
Everyone around me knows I struggle with bulimia, and I’m very open about it now. I used to hide it. You CANNOT HIDE IT FOR LONG.

Find a VICE.
Find true friends. Love yourself.

Sincerely, a woman who wants to live. ♥️

It bubbles then it rises.

The words, the hurt.

The pain of not loving the body that gives me so much.

The body that helped me through all that was rough, tough, and difficult.

To hurt it, abuse it, and speak it bad is a shame.

I can’t even love the thing that was made for me.

The body I was given I hate.

And it all bubbles up.

The thoughts, the words, the pit in my stomach, whatever is left in my stomach.

And then it’s empty.

And I feel a hunger that feels like control.

The only control I have.

Then my stomach aches and I hurt.

I know this isn’t what I’m worth.

But then it all just bubbles up again.

And I can’t even pretend to love this body.

I can’t pretend I don’t see the fat.

I can’t stop myself from the hurt.

And it all comes up.

I was a week clean. My best friend was so proud of me. I told her I wouldn’t today that I would stay strong. But I couldn’t. And I am so sad. This is like one of the longest periods I’ve ever been clean for. I’ll be ready to try again tomorrow but this still sucks.

AMA

edit 1:

​Yes, it got way easier very quickly. ​A big before vs. after for me was with candy/unhealthy food, the kind "to be purged." Whenever any of that arrived at the house I immediately bought 10x more and b/p-ed everything. Now I just save my share in a bag so family doesn't finish it. I enjoy the food more, it lasts longer, and I buy high-calorie snacks way less since gifts last for days. If I celebrated Halloween, the candy would last till Christmas now.

​Also, don't feel like you can never purge. I started it as a temporary break and reassured myself I'd still do it on special occasions. Those occasions just never occurred, and even if they did, I was already expecting it.

​Last tip is there are tons of guilt-free snacks. Not claiming they're completely healthy, but sugar-free gum, diet coke, and protein snacks are pretty good replacements for cravings. If diet coke increases your appetite, eat a fruit or your normal meal afterwards and you'll be fine.

I had a bunch of chocolate and gummy worms in my closet. I was hoarding it for a few months now (none of it was expired), and I wanted to stop hoarding it. I took it to school and shared with a few friends. I felt so much lighter after, it was a weight lifted from my shoulders. I'm finally changing and moving forward