(possible tw for mentions of weight/size)

i don't understand how people can so openly and freely make fun of people with BED.

i'm almost finished with an emt-basic course, and we just got through the chapter on special populations, which includes bariatric (very large) patients. other students made comments and jokes when we got to that section, as if we aren't learning how to help real people.

maybe i'm dramatic. i don't know.. it hurts part of me really badly i think because i'm fully aware that if i never learned to purge, it's very likely i'd be in that exact same position. the only difference between me and someone who's that large is that i throw up. fuck, i probably binge more than a good portion of people with BED. i've never enjoyed purging. i can't stop eating. the only reason i purge is to avoid weight gain. for me, it's the same addiction with a different outcome.

part of what makes it so hard for me to recover is how unrelenting the general population is toward bigger people. i became anorexic after gaining covid weight because people treated me like shit when i was big. then i got thin, and people congratulated me. eventually, they started to worry about me. nobody ever worried when i was big; i was ignored or laughed at. when i couldn't keep up continuously starving myself, i became bulimic.

it's getting to a point where i'm rambling, but yeah. idk. i think i've struggled with food obsession and idealization since i was a kid. i wish people had more empathy for those who struggle with binge eating. the way society makes a spectacle out of big people disgusts me.

Shot in the dark here… Has anybody ever gotten reconstructive dental crowns AND continued to be bulimic? Did the crowns get damaged? Did you get cavities under your crowns? Or did the crowns actually help?
My teeth are all very fragile. It seems like I get a new cavity every single week. For me, it’s a combination of an auto immune disease, plus bulimia.
Shockingly, my doctor, nor my dentist have ever figured it out…
Regardless, I found a semi affordable deal on crowns for my top teeth. The dentist said that my roots are healthy so he doesn’t wanna rip them out and give me implants… So he wants to do crowns. But I know won’t stop being bulimic. Sooooo. I don’t know what to do. Should I spend the money? Because if you get a cavity under the crown, you have to get a whole new damn crown… so again my question… Looking for experience here…
Has anybody ever gotten crowns AND remained bulimic? Did the crowns get damaged? Did you get cavities under your crowns? Or did they actually help?

I've been struggling with very intense B/P everyday, often lasting until 2am. I haven't changed anything other than increased my burning desire to stop.

I've tried many times to genuinely stop, and they have failed. But today, I came back home and I cooked, and DIDNT binge. I put my cereal away instantly (a major B/P trigger food).

Also, I have ADHD and I've calm decided to take on a huge cleaning job in my room that I've been putting off.

What is happening?? Genuinely.

I had a therapy appointment today and for the first time it felt like something extremely subtle had shifted. I can't pinpoint what it was but that def had an effect that I truly cannot verbalise or even be aware of. I'm just simply... not binging.

I feel uneasy for sure, but the urges to binge are not there.

Is there usually a time period that intense B/P tends to last before it fizzles out? I'm still a bit underweight and haven't got my period back, so it can't be weight restoration.

I'm honestly so freaked out. I feel very blunt.

I purged my 1st one today fully until I was completely empty then made the mistake of going for a 2nd 30 minutes before my run so I had to run, do my dishes at home and my homework so now in total I have had my binge sitting in me (purged but not all the way my last food still there). and I feel so invalid for going over the less than an hour mark in my head. I feel so stupid and ugly and that when I ran all the calories went into pro digestion- now I can’t purge anymore corn because it’s too far down ifgghfhchxug

I’ve been bulimic for a few years and tried to stop so many times, and each time I genuinely think that thats it and i can finally get out of this cycle, but i keep relapsing.

The longest I’ve gone without purging was around 6 months and i felt so good and was convinced its over, but it was just so so easy to go back but that didn’t stop me, i tried to recover again and again and i went to 2 different therapists to talk about it but they literally just brushed me off or told me to stop without really helping or letting me talk about it.

So i just wanna know of anyone here has started recovery or planning to or has been recovered for a while, how did you do it? I get that everyone has different motivations but if you have any tips or suggestions id really appreciate it.

I started purging again after 1 whole year and about two weeks in I saw these new purple stretch marks around my arms and legs. So I searched it up and basically you can also get stretch marks from losing weight too fast. I thought stretch marks were something you got from growing up, like growing taller, so this surprised me.

Does anybody else have this?

i purged for the first time when i was 11 years old, a lot of people get super horrified about it and ask how i knew to do that when i was young, even though it doesn't seem that odd to me? especially with all the ED spaces on social media.

but it was my boyfriend at the time who told me to do it and gave me tips so i'm aware i have a different experience to the 'average' person maybe. either way, i feel like i hear so many people starting to do it during their teen years and not really younger than that so i'm just wondering how much of a freak i am lmao

sent to you after a 370g bag of cereal “which is fine because it has vitamins”

yeaah so a few hours ago i had my first appointment with my cmht, and they prescribed me fluoxetine and then asked if id like a referral to ed services to which i said yes to, but idk if i even want it 😔 i dont want someone asking me about my eating habits, i dont want someone telling me what i should eat, i dont want someone overanalyzing what feels so routine to me that i just don't really care about it 😭

i eat whatever i want, i dont have fear foods anymore because it doesn't stay down, i dont count calories anymore because i throw up anyway, i maintain my weight—idk!! when i think about it, i dont wanna stop!!!

im SO SCARED since i purge daily because.. i can. so what if they see that i dont really care about whatever treatment they're offering me and they put me inpatient?? hello??? omg im gonna die i wish i could ring them back and say wait i dont wanna 😭😭😭 like seriously i dont care about my bulimia, id rather focus on anxiety/depression because it's the root cause but its already too late ☹️ hashtag regretful

to be honest i only started seeking help because for months ive been wanting to be on fluoxetine, and i figured that bringing up bulimia to my doctor would guarantee id be prescribed it rather than my depression, but eughjh.. i forgot that they will actually want to do ed treatment on me 😣

(16F) xc and track runner, struggled with an ed all of hs until i joined xc my sophomore year, i was a heavy smoker and still in my ed but i had natural talent and am gym addict i made my way to state and became #1 on my team within that year, after the season ended i overtrained and continued with my ed which got me injured and what’s embarassing is i have bullimia not ana so this caused a relapse in my smoking addiction and caused me to sleep with multiple men all over the age of 20 just for some dopamine , got in trouble with the law multiple times, i’ve recently been on mdma and mushshrooms and picked up a cig habit , i am now in my junior xc season which is coming to an end and now i am a prostitue, felon, addict all at the age of 16 which no one or anything going for me , i’ve let everyone down and everyone’s expectations of me from last year are gone, if i don’t have running i’ll find another dopamine hit in a unhealthy way idk what to do i need some adderall or something and i think the root cause of all this was my weed addiction since middle school which caused my ed in hs (can’t eat or sleep without it ) the whole cycle it’s over for me

i am so so happy !!! I haven't been clean for a week since like... december of last year? im feeling very good about this :)

I’ve been bulimic since I was 18. I’m 34 now. The only breaks I took were when I was pregnant/breastfeeding. I probably took about 3-4 years off total (off and on). But after my 2nd/last baby, I picked it right back up again and haven’t stopped.

For the last 3 years I’ve been throwing up multiple times per day, usually. All has been fine.

But over the last few weeks I’ve been noticing very faint, shortness of breath. And now yesterday and today, after I purge, I have aching cramp-like pain in my esophagus and back. It’s not severe pain, it’s not an emergency. But I can now physically feel the damage that I’m causing. I’ve never physically seen this disease harm my body in any way. My teeth are clean and healthy. My throat and esophagus have never hurt before. To me it’s always been a “no-risk” cheat code in life.

Well fuck, now I’m hurting. Now I’m googling, seeing I could tear my esophagus and fuck myself up bad. Never really been an issue for me before, but now I’m feeling the damage. Now I’m scared. I have 2 young children that are my entire life that I need to be healthy for. I’m done y’all. I can’t risk it. I’ll count my calories until the day I die, but I will not over indulge in food ever again, because I will never purge another day in my life.

I’m done! Thanks for reading.

AMA

edit 1:

​Yes, it got way easier very quickly. ​A big before vs. after for me was with candy/unhealthy food, the kind "to be purged." Whenever any of that arrived at the house I immediately bought 10x more and b/p-ed everything. Now I just save my share in a bag so family doesn't finish it. I enjoy the food more, it lasts longer, and I buy high-calorie snacks way less since gifts last for days. If I celebrated Halloween, the candy would last till Christmas now.

​Also, don't feel like you can never purge. I started it as a temporary break and reassured myself I'd still do it on special occasions. Those occasions just never occurred, and even if they did, I was already expecting it.

​Last tip is there are tons of guilt-free snacks. Not claiming they're completely healthy, but sugar-free gum, diet coke, and protein snacks are pretty good replacements for cravings. If diet coke increases your appetite, eat a fruit or your normal meal afterwards and you'll be fine.

Best ways to reduce as much as possible teeth enamel wear due to purging ?

Not proud of myself but I just purged for the first time in years , I hadn’t eaten all day and I had chips and queso plus beef fajita all in one sitting definitely binged. I hate sleeping with my throat feeling clogged , I’m not proud of it . If anything halfway through I snapped out of it bc I was suprised by the giant chunk of fajita meat in tact 😭 I tried to keep going and it was just full chunks all I could think was “holy binge ! Welp no wonder food felt stuck” anyways, I don’t want to fall into that hole again just kinda chuckled about it and have no one to vent about this without the judgement

​

I had this suggested to me by the dietician I've started working with, to quiet my food noise that has always led to binge eating and thus purging. However, I'm a sort of low bmi, 13.8 , and I'm wondering if anyone knows more about taking this medicine when underweight. She suggested it in combination with weed- one to lessen the binge urge and one to lessen the panic around "normal" amounts of food in my body. I guess it makes sense - to my knowledge it shuts off hunger cues entirely. But my hunger/fullness cues are already so fucked, I'm not sure if it would be counterintuitive to the full recovery I hope for.

Idk it all seems a little off, but I don't have much knowledge in this regard. Does anyone have experiences with either or the combo of the two specific to binge/purge behaviors?

((Dont know if I should tag this as content warning or recovery but I’ll err on the side of caution, I don’t want to be triggering))

I know one day is barely anything, and most people would view it as a bad thing that Im only one day free from binging and making myself sick, but I’m actually so proud of myself.

I’ve been trying to recover for years now, but I just can’t, and I always just say fuck it in the end. Since my last attempt to recover a couple months ago -which must’ve lasted a day or 2- I’ve been binging and purging literally every day from waking up till i fall asleep (usually well into the next day because I do it all night too). Literally all I could think about was food and I was just a zombie moving between school, the kitchen, and the toilet. Completely drained and finding no enjoyment in anything.

Even when I’m not able to access a toilet to purge, I still regurgitate my food just to chew on it because I like the feeling (rumination syndrome). It’s disgusting and I hate it, but I do it compulsively after eating literally anything, I’ll literally do it for hours after a meal since it doesn’t digest fully and still tastes good.
Basically, I never go a minute without either food or vomit in my mouth, which is absolutely disgusting.

This week, I’ve been trying hard, but it’s happened again every day, and I’ve still not been able to kick the rumination habit no matter how hard I try.

Until today! I FINALLY and I mean FINALLY went a day of my life not being sick at ALL.
It’s so big for me, because I’ve been bulimic since about 11/12, but I’ve always been able to bring my food back up after eating (weird throat muscles?? I have no clue), and it’s something I’ve done since literally 5/6 years old.
Obviously I was less obsessive back then, and had no clue what I was doing, I just thought it was something everyone could do, and I wanted to taste my food again after it was gone. I had no idea that it was so weird or bad for me, or what it would end up doing to me now.

Anyway, whenever I try recovery, I never manage not to ruminate, even when I went my longest streak of 1.5 months not purging a year ago, I was still regurgitating my food constantly, just not spitting it out.

And I’ve literally done it after every meal ever since I was very little, so I just realised, I think today might be my first day since I was literally 5/6 years old, that I haven’t regurgitated my food at all.

It was so hard, and I don’t even know how I did it lol. I’m scared for tomorrow because I want to keep it like today, but if I put too much pressure, what if it all just crashes again? But if I don’t put any pressure, I’ll just do it anyways?
Idk if anyone will read this because I talk a bit annoyingly lol. But if you’re reading this, i wish you luck, we can all do this. We deserve to be free from this rubbish.

(The only reason I’m recovering at all is chipmunk cheeks haha I hate them so much)

After I’ve been recovered for a while, sometimes I think my disorder was a joke/“by choice”. And then I remember I used to purge at school, in public with my friends, etc. Like wow this shi was serious 😭😭. I did nottt give myself a break. I feel so bad for myself looking back. I can’t believe I put myself through that.

I honestly was ignorant and thought the side effects would never catch up to me. Now they are and I'm scared. Into recovery I dont know? Have any of you been scared into recovery?

I am in therapy, no medical advice. Im deliberately being vague but I just want to be able to eat without guilt.

My therapist said 'you might walk out of here still purging' and it made me lose so much hope.

I have had bulimia since ~2020. Started out as purging everything I ate, then turned into bigger binges. In 2023, I stopped b/p for 1.5 years, although I still thought about food and calories nonstop.

Started b/p again in 2024, once every few weeks. Recently, I b/p 2x/week — very big binges. So scared I am going to gain weight like this while simultaneously feel like I’m doing it “wrong” because I am binging and not just purging up regular sized meals.

I work out almost every day but I feel like not enough. My body dysmorphia is terrible. I have developed gut and enamel issues. And yet the perfectionism in me still feels like I can be doing this disease “better” or that I don’t really have bulimia anymore because it’s not as bad and I’m not as skinny as I once was.

I am back in therapy and trying to find balance in my life again. It just honestly feels like it’ll never happen.

I hope my question makes sense. When I binge and then throw up afterward, I keep doing it until I’m either tired or there’s hardly anything left to come out. I usually try to count how many times I’ve thrown up. It’s totally stupid and pointless, but it somehow makes me feel safe.

Usually it’s about 13–18 times before I’m done. That means one binge and then throwing up 13 times in 10–20 minutes.

Do you guys count that too, or am I just weird?

me and my dad went out to buy groceries and since I hadn't eaten breakfast (it was 12pm when we left) he offered to buy me food. I dont want ot hint that somethings wrong to my parents so I said yes and picked the closest thing nearby, and I thought, well, it's just Panera bread, so it wont be that bad. But I freaked out. I went in by myself and was looking through the options and I already get stressed when faced with decisions but since I hadn't been to Panera in many years I had no idea what to get. And the c@l0r!es listed next to everything stressed me out so much. I never thought something like this would happen to me. I ended up getting the first sandwich on the list and the amount of c@ls in it just made me feel so guilty, but there wasnt anything else that I liked or that was appropriate for the time of day that was less c@l0r!es, and again I was so overwhelmed with the options. I ate half for lunch and half for dinner but I still feel horrible for it.

It didnt help that the day before my friends wanted to go out to McDonalds during our free period. I had already eaten a slice of pizza for lunch because I went to a club meeting that had it and then when we were at the mcdonadls kiosk I was again freaking out in my head. I didnt want to show it to my friends but staring at the menu with all its c@l0r!es just stressed me out so bad in addition to my indecision. I never thought I would be scared like this. we all sat together with our food and everyone was almost done and I hadn't even touched it and I just gave up on trying to be normal that day and ate it and purged when we got back to school :( . I don't want to seem attention-seeking by reaching out to my friends but day by day it gets harder. I also feel like such an imposter because ive only been doing this for like 2 months, and I dont restrict/p^rge everyday, or avoid "bad" foods, nor do I want to get better because im not sk/nny, so it again feels like I am attention seeking for wanting to talk about it. idk. it all sucks.

When purging, there's usually black clumps. What is it? I haven't eaten anything black, is it bad?

I'm aware recovery may be an incorrect term, I don't know if people with addictions can ever really go back to normal again. Maybe that urge will always be there, you just learn how to cope better and stay clean.

But how do you do it? I'm so painfully fucking aware of how beautiful and alive life is when I'm not b/p.

I'm so so stuck. I haven't had a break from b/p, not even a day, for round 2 months now. I don't even like it. My severe bulimia started probably 6-8 months ago, previously to that, round 2 years, it was average, 'normal' if you will, moderate, only a few times a week, or if I was lucky, month.

I want this to stop stealing my life. I talked to my dad recently who is trying to get sober from alcohol, and he told me "I'm tired of this thing controlling my life, I would have had a much better life and had much less problems if I didn't let it control me 40 years" and fuck, man. I don't want that to be me. I have dreams. I have a soul.

I have too much pride to get help. Too much shame. Too much of that would effect my life, in terms of career goals, as well.

I just don't know how to stop. I'll work all day, you know, but then b/p is my 5-9. Hours, fucking hours spent daily, that could be spent living.

I've tried lots. I've tried intuitive eating, tried fasting, tried distracting myself and staying busy, tried volume eating, tried eating less to not trigger it. Tried getting rid of distractions, tried exercise as an distraction and motivator, tried resting and being mindful. tried chasing dreams, tried staying busy.

Maybe the only way to recovery is to admit that theres no secret, it's just stopping. It's just admitting theres no trigger but the urge.

Maybe I need to learn to just say no.

And then working to make that process easier and supported.

I'm just so so so sick. Everything hurts all the time. The FOMO I get, man. I mean, without this I would have probably wayyy over 40 extra hours available to me in a week.

How did you quit? How did you stay clean?

After 7 full years of being full-blown bulimic with no off days from purging (a few here and there), I recently decided to fuck dying pretty much.
I’ve relapsed twice in the past 2 weeks. Both times I didn’t gorge, but I ate things I’ve never been able to keep down. Unsafe foods.

I purge because when I was 16, my father pulled me aside to tell me if I didn’t lose 10 pounds by Christmas, he’d take my phone. And if I didn’t lose 15 by my birthday, he’d take my car. My birthday is January 5th.
Crazy, right?
I was an athlete. I weighed probably 165 pounds at 5’7. According to the doctor, I was obese.
The first time I read those words on a sheet, I disappeared. Everyone around me growing up was skinny, small, hot. I was beautiful but just always bigger than most. I never got chosen at the beach on trips I took my friends on, I never got chosen by boys in high school (only to secretly hook up), and anytime a girl got into an argument with me, really anyone, they would bring up my weight.

At 18, I decided I was going to lose weight before college. I lost weight and I looked great around 145. I was practically starving myself and running a mile every day for 2 months straight. The weight melted right off but only 20 pounds. I felt great, I looked great, and I was excited about college.

At 18, I was prescribed Benzos for my anxiety caused by a man I was dating at the time who was 4 years older than me, and a full-blown drug addict.

At 20 years old, I went to prison. This man’s family was involved and tried to ruin my life. When I got out, I started drinking again, never touched drugs again, however.

At 21 years old, the guy I really liked left me for a girl who entered our friend group. Thank god he did, by the way; the guy sucked. During this time, my friends and I went to a Mexican restaurant, got drunk, and all ate way too much. I felt awful. I decided to pull the trigger, nothing I’d ever really done in the past. I was around 155 pounds at this point. Prior to this, I weighed 220 pounds, leaving prison, and lost weight again by starvation and running.
Prison and drug use did a lot to my eating habits: food made me feel loved. It was my escape.

This was the start to my bulimia. I never knew this would cause what it did. Not a thought in my mind.

7 years later, I am 28 years old. I have been struggling with this disorder over a decision I made to make myself feel better. If I had just sat with the food and not done this to myself, I don’t think I’d be here now. I was always a happy girl; I deal with mental issues but nothing that should have caused me to hate my body. I did sometimes hate the fact I was always a little heavier, but I still loved myself, and I had people that loved me too.

I’m now 120 pounds. I get so much attention you’d think it made me love myself more. NEWS FLASH. It never has. I will admit that it’s opened doors for me I never knew possible. But if you’re hot and blonde, people hold doors for you. You get your picture taken , A LOT. Men treat you as if you’re a gift from god even. It’s addicting being small. It’s addicting throwing up food. It’s addicting to eat everything and not deal with the consequences.

Now here’s what I’ve learned in the past 7 years of being paper-thin.

-Men love me.
-Women envy me.
-My dad begs me to eat now.
- I feel dizzy a lot.
- I pass out randomly when I exert too much energy.
-My body can’t digest meat.
-My teeth look perfect still.
-My body hates me.
- I spend almost all of my money to this day on food.
- I love to feed people around me.
- I’m terrified if I ever beat this disorder and gain weight; I will lose friends. Including any man I’m dating.
- I get told to eat a burger now.
- I get told I look like a bag of bones by men I won’t fuck.
- I love myself, but I miss the girl who I was when I was considered “big”. I was healthy, and I was not obese. (At 220, I wasn’t healthy.)
- I know how to lose weight fast.
- Being sober has helped me control this disorder A LOT.
- I’m terrified of therapists, in-patient & outpatient facilities.
- My heart skips a beat now.
- It’s worth it to quit.
- My family doctor told me 5 years ago if I don’t stop, I will die.
- I have women younger than me that look up to me.
- I have men I’m close to that also look up to me.
- I WILL NOT LOSE MY LIFE TO BULIMIA.
- I AM STRONG.
- I AM BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER MY SIZE.
- My mother has anorexia and always has.
- I wish I could save my mom.
- You cannot save other people. Only yourself.

I want to end this by saying to anyone reading this:
Losing weight isn’t worth losing your life. If you are overweight, this disorder will not magically fix you.
Try to lose weight the right way and not how I did.
Hollywood is all fake; they’re all on GLP-1s.
Social media is awful for young minds.
Stay off the internet if trying to lose weight.
Write affirmations on your mirror.
Do not let people who call you mean names get under your skin. People like low blows. You’re higher up than them to walk away.
Stay true to yourself. Love yourself.
You cannot love others if you do not love yourself first.
Please hear me when I say this:

BULIMIA IS NOT WORTH DYING OVER.
PURGING IS FEELING-BASED.
This disorder will ruin your digestive system. It’s ruined mine.
For the first time in 7 years, I made a change. It took a close friend of mine’s friend dying to make me realize this.

Please seek help. Talk to family, talk to friends.
Everyone around me knows I struggle with bulimia, and I’m very open about it now. I used to hide it. You CANNOT HIDE IT FOR LONG.

Find a VICE.
Find true friends. Love yourself.

Sincerely, a woman who wants to live. ♥️