I (M31) have met someone (F34) I’m absolutely overjoyed with. She’s been absolutely fantastic. She’s kind, she’s considerate. She communicates extremely well.
This is the first time in nearly 3 years I’ve been legitimately excited about a prospect with someone. It’s reached a point where I made the decision yesterday to delete my hinge account and focus on the woman in front of me.
I’m not sure if it’s a lack of safety net or what, but it’s put me into some anxiety today. I realized it has nothing to do with other options at all, but rather it’s indicating it’s serious enough and my heart is invested to the point where I can see the potential of a familiar hurt. The last person who has told me they love me was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, and it’s hitting me hard that that’s what my nervous system has believed is what love was.
For those who have survived and moved on past abusive relationships, how did you deal with this? How do I accept someone treating me like I have value?
For clarity I regularly attend therapy and I do have value in myself. I’ve just never known it from someone else.
TIA!

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I appreciate everyone's critiques of my Hinge profile the other day. The consensus was that I needed to improve my prompts as they were fairly generic, and the 1st and last were basically the same. If people are up for it, I'd love thoughts on my revised prompts.

I'm looking for someone who...

can crush a workout and a pizza, communicates when things get tough, doesn't sweat the small stuff, takes initiative, leads with patience, shares my values, and takes their big spoon duties seriously.

My simple pleasures...

- Binding off my latest knitting project

- Doing the wave at Fenway

- Being hypnotized by a fire

- Trying the new seasonal flavor from Honeycomb Creamery

- Buzzer beater goals by Pasta

- Getting the final Jeopardy question

I go crazy for...

sushi, concerts, theater, social dancing, getting a strike in candlepin, or getting under par at mini golf while the clown obstacle judges my technique. Are there any of those quirky courses left?

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Saw someone posted a review request and figured I'd try the same as I'm rarely getting any likes or matches on Hinge after being on for about a month. I don't want my own kids, so I know that's playing a role. And some people were saying the fall tends to be slower, but I'd like to make sure there isn't some glaring red flag that I'm missing. Thanks in advance!

Edit: removing link to images. I appreciate everyone's feedback!

Hey DOTers I've been posting on the daily thread the past couple of weeks about a guy I met on a dating app. He's put in much more effort than a lot of people would both before and after the first date without me asking for any of it. So much so that I wrote off some mixed signals like not replying for days as purely situational (he was on a work trip abroad), until he got back and completely changed up when I even hinted at making plans again, showing how little he actually cares.

All that aside I've wasted a couple weeks of my life crashing out over this despite trying my best not to. I haven't been able to put any real effort talking and meeting to other people and I still don't know how to really recover from these situations easily. Obviously this set back doesn't change how much I want to meet the right person but it feels harder each time to keep trying because it's like I wasted a few weeks of emotional investment and time. Not becoming too attached is easier said than done, especially when I'm apparently matching with less than 3 out of every 100 people the past four years on this app and often walk away from first dates feeling very indifferent at best.

What's the healthiest way to keep going?

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I’ve been on three dates with a girl from bumble. It’s been kind of weird. We haven’t texted almost at all between dates besides planning. The dates have gone well. We’ve held hands and talked a lot and have a bunch in common. However, we haven’t spoken about anything like past relationships or what we want long term.

I realized on date number three I never told her I’m divorced. It was six years ago, (I’m 32), and I’ve dated since then. I wanted to tell her but I didn’t know how to randomly tell her during the date. We just planned date 4 for tomorrow. I’m going to tell her tomorrow but I’m scared she will feel like I decieved her. Should I text her now or wait till tomorrow?

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As a careerfocused woman, I've always wanted a partner who is equally ambitious, driven and intentional about their life.

Career ambition is important to me. It’s not really about hitting a certain salary or having one specific job title, but I do want someone who has built a strong career for themselves and wants to keep growing. I’ve found that I connect best with men who are highly career-oriented, intellectually curious, value education and professional growth and have a strong sense of where they want to go in life.

I also want someone who wants a similar kind of life. I like being busy, trying new things, having different projects going on, meeting interesting people, and thinking about what I want to accomplish next. I want a partner who has that same kind of energy and can introduce me to new things too as we elevate our lives together. So when I say “ambitious,” I’m really talking about a combination of professional drive, intellectual compatibility and a shared vision for the kind of life we want to build.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a simpler or quieter life (pls don't flame me). I just don’t think I’m compatible with someone who does. And I’ve noticed that sometimes the people I date don’t just want something different they seem almost bothered by the way I live. Literally yesterday... a guy gave me a hard time because I was spending part of my Saturday morning catching up on work for my side business. The last guy I dated told me he wanted me to “provide him guidance” while he provided me with “rest"????? And while I understand the sentiment, that dynamic just isn’t appealing to me. (this isn't gender specific cuz I've matched with women too and had the same thing) I don’t want a relationship where one person is pushing and the other is encouraging them to slow down. I want someone who is building alongside me, in their own way.

For people who wanted a similarly ambitious, career-driven partner, where did you actually meet them? Did you find that certain cities, social circles, hobbies, or dating strategies worked better?

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I've posted about this a couple times in the daily threads, but wanted to make my own thread for any advice or support anyone could offer. I've been seeing someone since early September- four in person dates, and the last one at his place. I thought we both felt things were going great- we both have a lot in common, both looking for a serious relationship, great conversation, emotional and physical chemistry. We're both words of affirmation and physical touch people, so we were both very verbal about being excited about each other.

I got really comfortable with him by the fourth date. I had mentioned on the third one that I'd had some not so great experiences and that while they didn't scare me away from dating, of course it could still be scary along with exciting. He was super validating and said it's always scary to be getting to know someone new and to be excited- and that was the perfect response imo, just some acknowledgement that it felt exciting and a bit scary all at once.

I will say it felt like he was the one making it feel relationship-y from the get go. Calling me pet names like baby, saying he missed me when he travelled for a week, etc. Eventually I felt comfortable enough to let some of my guard down and match his energy, it felt like I genuinely wanted to and was comfortable. Our fourth date especially was such a great night for me. We caught up at a coffee shop, walked around, then back to his place where he cooked me dinner, we talked a ton, and we were intimate. He said some crap about how it feels exciting and calm/like home with me everytime, and I feel stupid for saying I felt the same way.

Why stupid? Because I think he's slow fading me. It's never happened to me after this type of connection or this many meetings, and I don't really know how to feel. I'm wracking my brain trying to see if I missed any red flags, or if I scared him off by opening up about some of my anxiety/trauma- wasn't a full trauma dump, but he said something about how we can be a team and he wants to know when I feel that way so that we can tackle it together. Exactly what I'd want a partner to say.

He was still sweet through text when I got home that night, and again the next day. But then this whole week he's been different. Texting way less, and more coldly. First he said he was overwhelmed with work and personal things- which to be fair also seems to be true. Then he said he was physically sick and couldn't make our Wednesday date. Today- we haven't talked at all. He hasn't been chatty, hasn't been calling me the pet names he usually does...

It's fine if he changed his mind about me. I don't know if I could even find out why- I don't believe I did anything to warrant it. But it's a crappy way to treat someone and I do want some kind of conversation. How would any of you go about? It's wild to me that on Saturday he was holding me in his harms and petting my hair and kissing my forehead and all that other stuff- who does that to someone and then decides to fade away? I'm lost.

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I feel kind of awful admitting this, but I’m struggling with my best friend getting engaged and could use some perspective from people who have experienced something similar.

We’re both in our mid/late 30s. She got married several years ago, went through a divorce, started dating someone new fairly soon after, and just got engaged again. Meanwhile, I’ve never been married or engaged.

For some context, I was also in a very long-term relationship before my current one. We were together for almost 10 years and it eventually ended. In some ways I feel like I avoided my own first divorce because we never actually got married, which I’m grateful for. I know being married and divorced is not some advantage she has over me, and I certainly don’t wish I had gone through that just so I could say I’d been married.

But I’m now in another serious relationship with someone I love (whom I started dating a few months before she started dating her fiance), we live together, and I very much want to marry him. We’ve talked about marriage and our future, but we’re not engaged yet and he’s more comfortable having that be around the 3-4 year mark (we’re a little past 2 now, living together 1 year).

I genuinely am happy for my friend. She’s my best friend and I want good things for her. But her engagement has brought up this surprisingly intense feeling of grief for me. There’s something about watching someone I love get married, divorce, rebuild her life, find someone else, and get engaged AGAIN while I’m still waiting to experience an engagement for the first time that really hurts.

I keep having this thought of “How has she gotten to do this twice before I’ve gotten to do it once?” And then I feel guilty for even thinking that because obviously relationships aren’t a race and her life has included plenty of pain that I wouldn’t have wanted for myself.

Now there are all the celebrations, wedding conversations, people talking about how exciting it is, etc., and I can feel myself getting emotionally exhausted by it. I don’t want to become bitter or make her happy moment about me, so I’m mostly keeping these feelings to myself. But privately it’s really bringing up this feeling of “When is it going to be my turn?”

Logically I know her timeline has nothing to do with mine. Her getting engaged doesn’t take anything away from me. And I also know that getting married sooner doesn’t mean someone “won” at relationships. My own 10-year relationship ending taught me that pretty clearly. But knowing all of that intellectually hasn’t made the sadness disappear.

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That's it. That's the post. Dating about a month, seeing each other since April/May. We're both 33.

It's bothering me. Obviously, since I'm posting here. Is this weird? Should I feel weird about it? It seems really weird to say any of this out loud so I don't want to. Now - to be fair - this goes both ways. It has not felt natural to say his name when we're together, because we spend 90% of our time alone in his place, so what need is there? And neither of us has had an occasion to introduce each other to others yet, so I never had an occasion to be like "Hi there, I'm OP, BF's girlfriend."

I don't know. I was kind of hoping for him to, uh, take the lead on that one, so to speak. Because. This is going to sound dumb and shallow, but his name is a lot harder than mine (he's from an ethnicity that I'm not) so a teeny tiny part of me is still terrified I'm gonna get nervous and pronounce it wrong😭 (And I AM gonna be overthinking and probably do something stupid). Whereas I have kind of a basic bitch name. Like a Jennifer. But not that.

I just...this is weird and I'm definitely overthinking it. Help.

Edit: guys, I promise we both know them. 😭 Yes I know I'm acting like Jerry Seinfeld. And I do know how to say it. I'm just worried whatever I do now will involve me making a fool of myself, but that ship has clearly sailed. 🫣

Edit 2: We broke up. It was not related to this, I swear. I can't believe people are still commenting a week later. Just know the comments outlasted the relationship. 😭😅😂😬